Dont know which way to go...

LegacyUser · 16-01-2011 4:40am #1

Apologies this is so long!I am 32 and have come to find myself in a situation I do not know how to get out of. I am with my current boyfriend nearly four years, and up to six months ago, I thought everything was brilliant. We were so well suited, had a very happy daily life living together and I was one hundred percent convinced that he was "the one". Then pretty much out of nowhere I began to find myself attracted to another guy. Initially I thought this was a simple infatuation which would pass.... I am a member of a particular sports club and the guy in question is at the top of his game, so definitely that contributed to some of the initial attraction. I found myself looking forward to seeing him, but for the first while I very much kept at a safe distance and my feelings had no effect on my current relationship.
And then for some reason which I have yet to properly identify, I started to pursue this new guy. At first it was a challenge and exciting to see if the attraction was reciprocal, and then I quickly realised that he was interested too. I guess at that point my conscience kicked in so I made sure he knew I had a boyfriend and naturally he backed off a bit.
This should be where things ended but I found myself unable to get this guy out of my head. By this stage I was seeing him regularly through sports and we were increasingly chatting online. It turned out we had loads in common and had epic chats that went on sometimes till four in the morning. One night for some reason I admitted to him the strong feelings I had, but that I was happy with my boyfriend and didn't want to jeapordise what I had. He said that he was aware of my feelings and felt the same and we both concluded that we had a chemistry that is hard to come by. We agreed to meet up to talk through the confusion of the situation, a dangerous thing to do but I was just so messed up at the time with these new feelings. Meeting one on one I realised the intensity of my attraction and although we both tried to resist one thing lead to another.
Things spiralled out of control from there. We were talking every night online, he occupied every minute of my thoughts and we took any opportunity to secretly meet up. Within a few weeks I knew I was genuinely in love with him and my relationship with my boyfriend had greatly started to suffer. Our sex life became non existant, I was so on edge with guilt I was constantly picking fights, and my mind was so caught up with the new guy that naturally myself and my bf grew very distant.
I am sure to anyone reading this that it seems the logical thing to do would have been to break up at this point. But I didn't and five months down the line I still havent. I am now completely leading a double life, sneaking off to meet the other guy at least once a week, and still in daily contact with him. I know this can't continue. It's deeply unfair to my boyfriend who still thinks we are going through a rough patch but has no idea why, its equally unfair on the other guy who has been hanging in there hoping for full commitment from me and I am on the verge of cracking up from the guilt of this web of lies and sheer despair at what I've been capable of doing.
The problem is that I still deeply love my boyfriend and in some ways I long to get things back on track with him. We have spent four years together, I know him inside out and I think in ways we are more compatible than me and the other guy. He would be a brilliant life partner but I'm just finding it so hard to get back to a place where I can make it work again. I'm 32 and before this happened we were planning a future together, marriage, kids etc. He knows that I am unhappy, but has made it clear he still wants a future with me, although I know this would absolutely not be the case if he knew the truth.
I have also envisioned a future with this new guy, and know that there is potential there for it to be fantastic, but obviously there is a lot of unknowns and I'm scared if I choose him I will bring a lot of residual doubts from the relationship with my boyfriend, and possible massive regret if I found out down the line that I misjudged the situation, and once the intensity of the affair is gone and were in a normal relationship, it won't be as good as the one I know I could have with my bf if we can make it work again.
The new guy is such a hidden big part of my life which is increasingly stressful, but despite this we get on brilliantly. Although we have quite a few differences on our outlook on life(my bf and I are more compatible overall) I think our personalities are better aligned, and most of the time I thrive on the fact that he is more individualist than my bf, but equally worry that we could have too many conflicting views....interesting for a conversation but not so desirable if we were trying to build a life together.
But the fact that I cannot just take the extra step, leave my boyfriend and commit to him sends out panic signals to me that sub consciously I know there is something missing. It would be a massive upheaval to leave my boyfriend and I don't want to do it without knowing for sure its the right thing.
Can I ever get over this guilt and get back on track with my bf? Is it fair to keep such a massive thing from him? Every time I try to get back on track with him, I cannot resist contact with the other guy. Does this all signify a fatal flaw in the relationship with my boyfriend and am I flogging a dead horse? Am I just delaying the inevitable! If I leave my boyfriend, is it a mistake to jump into a new relationship straight away, I know I'll be tempted to.
I know this situation needs to end but I don't know which way to go. If I could get back to where I was with my boyfriend a year ago I would jump at the chance. But I can't ignore the fact that I am in love with this other guy and cannot bring myself to cut him out of my life. But then something is stopping me from fully commiting to him also. What do I do!!! I know the way I'm going its only a matter of time before I lose them both. I've currently made the decision to stay with my bf and try and make it work but am missing the other guy like crazy and every time I look at my bf I am filled with so much guilt and regret over what I've done, I can't get past it.

I am a friend · 16-01-2011 11:31am

What you are doing is shocking. All I can think when I read your post us how selfish you are. You are keeping them both on tap and treating both like mud. In saying that, what kind of character does your lover have if he is willing to be party to all of this.

I actually dont think you even want advice cos you know what you need to do... Shocking.....

LegacyUser · 16-01-2011 11:48am

Agree with above.

Absolutely atrocious behaviour from you and I couldn't justify offering advice because I think it's obvious what you need to do.

LegacyUser · 16-01-2011 11:52am

Dear OP
It's easy for the two previous posters to say that if they have never been in the situation. I know you didn't have to end up in this position but I feel for you and know that it doesn't make you a bad person.
I don't really know what advice to give you. As you are not married and neither is the man you are seeing and there are no childern involved it is not all that bad - believe me!
How about getting some time away from both to see who it is you miss, who it is you really want.
Good Luck!

Giblet · 16-01-2011 11:55am

I think your boyfriend deserves to know he's stirring some other guys porridge, and be allowed to move on from such a two faced bitch.

Miss Fluff · 16-01-2011 12:15pm

confused...need advice! wrote: »

But the fact that I cannot just take the extra step, leave my boyfriend and commit to him sends out panic signals to me that sub consciously I know there is something missing. It would be a massive upheaval to leave my boyfriend

A massive upheaval for you? Wow......

You've included a plethora of reasons why each of these guys is not "ideal" so I think it only fair to call a halt to both of these relationships and be on your own for a while.

It is very cruel and totally heartless to string your long-term boyfriend along like this. You're damaging his self-esteem and making him question why you're going through a bad patch when in fact its all down to you having a sneaky bit on the side.

And your fling with this other jock is not conducive to a long-term fulfilling relationship having started it in such a seedy and clandestine fashion. It's great for him being able to shag you but without any of the commitment. I've a feeling if you were to leave your boyfriend for him he'd soon tire of your selfishness and your "me me me" attitude which is all too apparent in your post. I don't think it would last too long.

Time to put an end to it asap. And I think you need to tell your boyfriend exactly what's been going on as he needs to know the type of person he has been planning to build a future with.

Everyone makes "mistakes" and I get that but it's how you behave afterwards and how you choose to redeem yourself that is a true test of your fundamental decency.

So what I'm saying is, do the decent thing and break it off with your BF and tell him you've been having a full-blown affair (an affair where you were the active predator and hunted the guy down) behind his back and that he needs to know about it. It will help him get over you that little bit quicker if he actually hates you for what you've done imho.

Silverfish · 16-01-2011 12:32pm

Giblet banned for personal abuse.

Please be advised that abusive posting is a bannable offence, please try to keep replies constructive and civil.

I am a friend · 16-01-2011 12:53pm

anon...... wrote: »

Dear OP
It's easy for the two previous posters to say that if they have never been in the situation. I know you didn't have to end up in this position but I feel for you and know that it doesn't make you a bad person

Luck!

Who says we haven't? Dont assume anything.... Having experience or not of an issue doesn't mean you are not entitled to an opinion.

She is shagging two men. One knows and is happy to go along with it. The other doesn't and that's where the problem is. It's going on ages and she is too selfish to do the right thing by her boyfriend so she is humiliating him but having an affair behind his back til she decides what's best for her. What's not bad about that?

greengiant09 · 16-01-2011 12:57pm

anon...... wrote: »

Dear OP
It's easy for the two previous posters to say that if they have never been in the situation. I know you didn't have to end up in this position but I feel for you and know that it doesn't make you a bad person.
I don't really know what advice to give you. As you are not married and neither is the man you are seeing and there are no childern involved it is not all that bad - believe me!
How about getting some time away from both to see who it is you miss, who it is you really want.
Good Luck!

thankfully most people don't think like you. most people have a conscience and realise that this sort of behaviour is not on. even the op says she feels guilty but it's pretty apparent she values her own selfishness a lot higher than the guilt she talks about. otherwise she would have ended this one way or another along time ago. she's only looking out for herself...she's just looking for advice on what's the best way she can profit from this situation.....atrocious behaviour for anyone to use!

LegacyUser · 16-01-2011 1:28pm

The OP came on here for advice so what is the point of people posting saying she is this and that? I was just making the point that she isn't necessarily a bad person. She didn't set out to hurt anyone. I am not saying that I agree with what she is doing or that it isn't wrong and I don't think it's ok to cheat just because you're not married. I am just making the point that at least (mainly for her boyfriends sake) she isn't married. Obviously if she is cheating on him there is something not right in their relationship. She wouldn't have been attracted to someone else if everything was ok with her b/f. If she is not meant to be with her boyfriend it is lucky that there are no children. That's all I was saying. Apologies for assuming that the people posting saying she was wrong etc. etc. had never had an affair. Of course I don't know that, maybe ye have. But I just felt it was unlikely that you would post so negatively towards the OP if ye had first hand experience of being in the same situation. She is obviously in a very troubled state and is looking for constructive advice.
OP - have you talked to anyone other than the man you are having an affair with about this? It might help to speak to someone

LegacyUser · 16-01-2011 2:02pm

I'll just clarify my opinion / advice, maybe my earlier post was a bit harsh.

I think you should not be with either of these men. I appreciate people make mistakes and I've made plenty of them and some shocking decisions along the way myself, however, I think what you're doing to your "BF" is verging on unforgivable. Actually it's not verging on it, it is unforgivable. I really don't think building a future with this man is the right thing to do for either of your sakes because you seem to care more about yourself and your own feelings than you do about him and his, and if you don't care enough about him to have ended this affair by now then he's not the one for you IMO.

And as for the other guy, don't even get me started. He's on to a good thing here, a regular shack up with u and no commitment, he's hardly going to put an end to it. He clearly has no morals, and I'd question myself if I wanted to be with a man like this.

I am a friend · 16-01-2011 3:20pm

Who knows is she is a bad person or not but she is doing a bad thing.

cheating once is bad but going back for more for 6 months is just cruel to her bf. People fall for other people. I did before but when it got to the point that i kissed the guy I finished with my partner even though we had a wedding booked, new house etc. I had too much respect for him to treat him like dirt.

Op seems to think that she can't help herself and it's a cop out. From one who has been there listen when I tell you that not only will it eat up your bf when he finds out, the guilt over the way you have been treating him will eat you up too.... There is no happy ending here

Milkmaid · 16-01-2011 3:59pm

OP, yes what you are doing is wrong but you came on here for advice so you know the situation has to end..

The best thing for you to do would be to sit down with a counselor and talk things through. What you're doing has the potential to cause great pain to others and if you care on any level for your BF , even just as a friend you have to make a decision to get help.
The reason I say this is the double life you're leading has to be so stressful in itself that I would have doubts that you can actually see a way out....I was with someone who led a double life at the end of our relationship and I can tell you the pain he caused by not being honest took me years to get over. You are not being honest with YOU at the moment. Your relationship with your BF is no longer working....you have a great deal of affection for him because of your history but you are not in love with him . You are only 32 and maybe for the first time in your life you have really fallen in love?
Sit down with your BF and finish things in a dignified manner.....you owe him that much. Leave the other guy out of your thoughts for the moment and just concentrate on you. It is not a crime to fall in love and you have no children so I have read much worse. You fell in love because you and your BF are not right for one another..just because you are compatible on paper doesn't mean it will work.
There is no way to tell if the other guy will be right for you either and one major red flag is he is willing to SHARE you with your BF...nobody does this if they are in love, maybe for a little bit but then they will get fed up of being side salad after a while.
You say the physical thing isn't great with the bf..maybe now that you are older and know yourself better than when you met him maybe you can see that you can love someone but when you really deeply fall in love there is such an attraction that the physical part sweeps you along...if you don't have that with the BF then you should end it with him. Longterm you need to have strong chemistry to last through the years with babies etc..

I would definitely go to a counsellor to help finish with the BF, to help you dig yourself out of the hole you have made.
I know someone who did what you have done, like you there were no children and she said she just was scared to jump. The other guy waited for a bit. She is now happily married to the other guy for many years. She is a good person she just needed to realise that no matter what happened with the 2nd man the first guy was WRONG for her....he is now happy with someone else too.

LegacyUser · 16-01-2011 7:55pm

I don't agree that you and your boyfriend aren't right for each other.

You probably are. But I think in any relationship, you will go through your entire life and meet people that you have a spark with, and think "what if"....The very important thing is whether or not you actually act on this. Which you have done.

I can only imagine the stress you're under. And you're not being fair to either guy here OP. I don't know what the right decision is for you - this chemistry could fizzle out if you started to officially be in a relationship with this new guy. Equally it might not. However one way or the other, I think you do need to tell your boyfriend. I'm very sorry to say that you will probably break his heart. But OP, the thing is, if you carry on like this, sooner or later it's going to come out.And it's "better" that he finds out from you, than from somebody else.

The other thing is, that you will never ever know for certain what the best thing to do is. And that no relationship is perfect. But it's very hard to make a balanced judgement based on a situation like you're in. You wonder are you flogging a dead horse...why would you be doing that? Your relationship with your boyfriend is fine - but you've spent the last while enjoying the excitement of sneaking around with this other guy. It's hardly a comparable situation.How can you view anything in a balanced way under these circumstances???

You can't give things a good go with your boyfriend without cutting completely off from this other guy. So you need to either commit yourself to that or else start figuring out how you're going to tell him.

Sleepy · 16-01-2011 10:02pm

If you can treat someone so horribly for six months, you don't love him.

If the other guy is happy as your 'other man', he's most likely only interested in the sexual side of your arrangement.

TBH, I'd advise breaking up with both and not getting into another relationship until you're able to love someone else.

Distorted · 16-01-2011 10:03pm

You aren't the first OP, and you won't be the last. I'm sure in reality there are lots of men out there raising babies as their own that aren't, and loads of men who have bits on the side.

I do think your situation must be exhausting though. I suspect you have got yourself so thoroughly confused and muddled that you can't see a way out of it. You question whethre either man is right for you and the answer is of course that neither are perfect for you. In an ideal world, you would have a man who combines the good qualities of new man with those of existing boyfriend, with none of the bad qualities of either. Unfortunately its very rare to meet Mr. Perfect, so if the single life does not appeal more than choosing either man, you probably should make a decision to end it with one of them. It used to be quite common amongst the aristocracy to have bits on the side, but that was often because they had to marry for land, estates, etc and not for love, whereas you have freedom of choice.

My real doubt over New Man would be that he is unattached. By seeing you, he remains unattached, but has the benefits of a relationship with none of the ties. He could be committment phobic and he certainly sees nothing wrong in someone cheating. There also seem to be other doubts over him which you have not described. Normally I would say someone who does the same sport as you has the same approach to life as you and thats the deciding factor, but it depends on how important the sport is to your life. e.g. if it were triathlon for example, and you spent much of your free time training and going to races, a triathlete partner, with a body in as good shape as your own, would be nice.

Mr Current Boyfriend might, I suggest, bores you somewhat. Otherwise you would not have strayed. Or perhaps he is not giving you enough attention/affection. Can this be changed, or is he of the type not to change? What is the upheavel that would stop you leaving him? If it is a house, it is often surprsingly easy to set steps in motion to unwind the arrangement and then you would no doubt be wondering why you didn't think of it before. I wouldn't let fear of the unknown hold you back.

You have 4 choices really:

- Dump both, sort your life out and be single and hope to meet someone more fulfilling.
- Dump New Man and be more serious with Current Boyfriend
- Dump Current Boyfriend and give it a shot with new man
- Continue as you are, stress yourself, and risk losing both

Choice 1 is generally the best. Its scary, but often when you take it, you wonder why you hadn't done before. Of course it might depend on factors such as your age, finances, life plans, etc. so its not cut and dried. Maybe a holiday on your own would be a good idea to give yourself some breathing space?

LegacyUser · 18-01-2011 12:45pm

Feel so sorry for your bf, he's putting up with all your fights that you are starting because your feeling guilty. Let him go, he deserves better.

LegacyUser · 19-01-2011 2:52pm

Thank you to those who replied with constructive advice,really appreciated. I'm not surprised my post attracted replies from the usual moralisers also,but to be honest until you have been in a situation like this, you have no right to outright condemn another person. Nothing you can say could make me feel worse about the way I have already acted ;this time last year I would never have believed I was capable of doing the things I have done, I too think I have acted horrendously, but I have done enough soul searching at this stage to know I am not inherently a bad person. I have made bad choices,and have let this situation spiral out of control, but I came onto this forum as a first step in trying to gain enough clarity to do the right thing now.I cannot go back and undo the injustice to my boyfriend, I will live with the guilt of what I did to him forever no matter how this turns out, but all I can do is look forward now and try and resolve this.
I can see how my initial post could come across as selfish, but ultimately my intentions are not selfish.
@ anon... as it happens I am going away for a few weeks, and more than using it to see who I miss more, I think the break of daily contact will be the first healthy step. I cannot resolve this while living with my boyfriend and seeing him every day, and with the other guy in close proximity also. I haven’t talked to anyone else really, as I don’t want to unfairly drag people into this messy situation.Pretty much all my friends know one or other of these guys, some know both.I don’t want them to take on the burden the knwledge of this could bring.

@ Giblet... had a quick look through your post history. Offensive unintelligent posting seems to be an almost daily occurence for you...actually some of your responses border on sub normal...so think I’ll just skip straight past you!!

@ Miss Fluff The bad patch with my boyfriend had started before I met the other guy. Other than this affair, which is obviously completely my fault, there has been ongoing issues for several months.You know nothing about my relationship with the other guy, and maybe in your experience, the type of guys you know are only after sex, but this is certainly not the case.He really wants me to commit to him, but realises the complexity of the situation. Telling my boyfriend about this might appease some of my guilt but will devestate him, and I have no intention of damaging someone I love to that extent. I would prefer him to walk away thinking it just didn’t work anymore. I have enough life experience to know that sometimes honesty isn’t the best remedy, and in a situation like this he will actually get over me quicker not knowing about this affair.Like I said, I will reproach myself forever over what I have done, but I am not going to drag him down into this horrible mess also.

@greengiant09 I’m not looking for the best way I can profit from the situation. It has occured to me countless times that I should end both relationships which leaves me on my own, hardly a profiting outcome.

@Milkmaid, @Messy234,@Distorted Thanks for your constructive advice! I am planning on going to see a councellor as I think talking through this out loud is the only way I will begin digging myself out of this mess.It has been suggested to me, and I know I need to talk to someone who is not going to try and be an influencing force.I don’t know why I can’t just get enough insight to recognise if I have fallen out of love with my boyfriend.I have so many layers of guilt/stress now that I am finding it impossible to get back to my underlying fundamental feelings.I understand that the majority think he is better off without me, he absolutely doesn’t deserve this, which is why I am putting a stop to my current behaviour/double life. But we have been together a long time, most of it very happy, and if we can build a life together, these five months are not going to be a critical matter twenty years down the line. But I do realise that maybe there will be no alternative than to tell him,as it is the only fair thing to do, and it will totally be his choice what happens from there.I just think if we are going to break up anyway I want to save him that extra pain, which is why I have been reluctant to tell him so far.One thing that everyone has wrong is that this other guy is happy “sharing” me, he actually wants to commit fully,he has never swayed from that, but has enough emotional intelligence and life experience to realise how complex this situation is. We never imagined it could get this messy.He is now moving on with his life too,as I have not been able to make a decision to choose him up to this point. We are not in contact like we used to be.He knows all the facts from the start, he has tried to help me through the thought process countless times; the problem is it is my boyfriend who is in the dark, and I feel horrendous about that.
But I can’t turn back time, and I want to do the right thing now, so I have taken on board all the constructive comments and I’m definitely getting more clarity on which way to go that will be fairest on all(my primary concern is whats fair to my boyfriend as he is the victim in this)
@ Distorted you correctly pointed out the four options, the first one is the best in an ideal world, the fourth is something I have already put in place, but I can be honest and say its the second or third one that will probably end up happening, that is usually the way it goes...and thank you to you and the others mentioned for reserving judgement and helping me with your well thought out posts.

seenitall · 19-01-2011 8:18pm

"@ Miss Fluff The bad patch with my boyfriend had started before I met the other guy. Other than this affair, which is obviously completely my fault, there has been ongoing issues for several months."

confused...need advice! wrote: »

I am with my current boyfriend nearly four years, and up to six months ago, I thought everything was brilliant. We were so well suited, had a very happy daily life living together and I was one hundred percent convinced that he was "the one". Then pretty much out of nowhere I began to find myself attracted to another guy. Initially I thought this was a simple infatuation which would pass....

He knows that I am unhappy, but has made it clear he still wants a future with me, although I know this would absolutely not be the case if he knew the truth.

Boy, is this thread depressingly familiar... and so utterly pathetic. Self-serving cheaters coming on here wanting to find validation and justification for their cheating (naturally, no-one wants to own up to being a not-too-nice a human being), and then when they are challenged on their selfish actions, making up excuses that obviously have nothing to do with the truth, otherwise they wouldn't have been claiming the exact opposite things in their opening posts.

I really, really hope that you end up with your bit on the side, OP. He sounds like he would be perfect for you, while your current OH deserves to be with a woman who will not lie to him and cheat on him, and then still consider having a future with someone who she knows wouldn't want her if he knew what had been going on. The height of betrayal. Poor guy if he gets to keep such a gem of a woman.

I am a friend · 19-01-2011 10:08pm

I agree with the above post.

You don't want to hear what you don't like!!! Are you still having sex with your bf? If so, then you are leading him to think the relationship is still somewhat workable when its not.

It's event and betrayals like this that turn nice decent guys into nasty women haters!! Utter selfishness on your party IMHO

gimme5minutes · 20-01-2011 12:27am

Firstly, have you considered that your 'bit on the side' is highly likely to also be shagging other women so you are putting your long term bf at risk of stds with this affair. Very considerate of you.

Also, I think you need to wake up in regard to the toyboy. You do realise he must have next to zero actual respect for you if he is happy to screw you while you continue a relationship with your bf? If he was really interested in having a proper relationship with you he'd have given you an ultimatum to end it with the bf ages ago. No man would put up with a woman he's seriously interested in sleeping with another guy. Its plain obvious that he is happy with the no strings attached sex and most likely also gets a bit of a buzz off of being engaged in an affair.

If you actually broke up with the bf and went off with this toyboy it would be no time before he would dump you as his complete lack of respect for you would mean the relationship is doomed from the start.

And your relationship with your bf is also now poisoned and will never be right. You went behind his back and started banging some sly crafty bastard who doesn't give a crap about you for the last 6 months. Just remember that every time your bf is nice to you. Feel the guilt.

greengiant09 · 20-01-2011 12:44am

'I'm not surprised my post attracted replies from the usual moralisers also,but to be honest until you have been in a situation like this, you have no right to outright condemn another person.'

this is absolute crap!....to say that you have to be in this situtation to understand is utter rubbush. i actually was when i was younger although not to the extent you described....and i deserve all the criticism from others for behaving so poorly. thankfully, i learned a lot from that situation and i won't be repeating it again.

what really stands out with your situation is that it's being going for so LONG!!!....like i can understand people falling for other people but what the decent honest person does is end their own relationship first...and then take things from there. you haven't, you totally disrespected your boyfriend and yourself. i'm sure a lot of your friends and family would be appalled by your behaviour. 6 months???....copp the fock on!

annapolska · 20-01-2011 1:15am

Confess to your boyfriend. Be totally honest and tell him everything. You owe him that much.

If he decides that he wants to try to work things out with you, then that's his decision to make. At least he will know exactly what he's dealing with.

If he decides that he doesn't want to work things out with you, then you will have more time to devote to your bit on the side.

I would guess that your boyfriend already suspects that something is going on with you. If he is willing to give it another go with you, I hope that you will work on yourself, go to counselling, apologize profusely for the betrayal, and then spend the rest of your life being a totally devoted and loving wife (with no other bits on the side, ever).

LegacyUser · 20-01-2011 10:22am

As my strongly catholic aunt would say.. "No ring on the finger you can do what you like" ..she probably wouldn't agree with the sex or maybe the lies, but hey just make a decision one or the other or none

LegacyUser · 20-01-2011 12:21pm

OP I was exactly where you are a few years back, it's actually unnerving to read your post, because I can relate to every word. And while I don't have any specific advice I'll tell you my story and you can take from it what you will. At least you will know you are not the only one who ever flt this way.

I was with my OH a good bit longer than you and we had our ups and downs but generaly things were great in all the ways you describe, good day to day relationship, perfect life partner etc.
But at one point when we were going through a bad patch (after he did something very hurtful, which I subsequently used as justification) I met someone. One of those bolt out of the blue connections that only happen a few times in a lifetime. It physically hurt to be around him and not touch him, I could talk to him for hours, fell very hard very fast, etc etc. A whole new future and possibilities opened up to me than what I had planned and that in itself was as intoxicating as anything.

Like you I withdrew from my OH, was very much in my own head for a long time as I could talk to noone except this other person about what was going on. I actually became depressed. When I look back at that time it is like I was in a fog. I was so isolated, lonely, racked with guilt, and the only solace was this other person. A complete downward spiral.

Anyway I left my OH. Then the other person left me. His ideas about where it was all going were very different from mine. I was beyond devastated. And I ran back to my OH with my tail between my legs.

It's probably the most selfish thing I could ever imagine doing (I actually posted here at the time and got ripped apart - rightly so!) but I was in a very black hole and the only comfort I had was going back to what I knew. I didn't go back intending to stay, actually Idon't really know what I was intending. But I had this person whose heart I had broken, who was begging me for another chance, and I hadn't it in me to do to him what the other guy had done to me, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, believe it or not - it all worked out!! Years down the line me and my original OH are as happy as larry. We were together from quite young so that had put doubts in my head, but I now know the grass isn't greener, I know where I want to be, I know that if we got through all that bull****, we can get over anything.

It terrifies me to think how differently things could have worked out. Sometimes it sneaks up on me all the lying and schemeing I did and it stops me dead in my tracks, it's hard to believe that was ever me, it's like another lifetime. But in otehr ways it was something I needed to experience to get to where I am now.

I don't know what help any of that will be to you OP, just to let you know you're not the first and won't be the last to ever go through this. I used to think cheating was this callous, almost casual cruelty that really despicable people did. Lads who treated their gfs like dirt and chased any bit of skirt they could. I now know life is a bit more complicated than that.

Boards is full of a lot of very young people who might not have realised that yet, so try to bear that in mind when reading responses.

But for all my handholding I will say: it's wrong, it has to end someway, and it's yourself you are damaging more than anyone.

antiskeptic · 20-01-2011 12:36pm

confused...need advice! wrote:

I know this situation needs to end but I don't know which way to go. If I could get back to where I was with my boyfriend a year ago I would jump at the chance. But I can't ignore the fact that I am in love with this other guy and cannot bring myself to cut him out of my life.

Therein the solution perhaps.

Falling in love is natures way of overcoming the natural obstacles which prevent people coming together to form relationships (and so propagate the species). The 'fallen in love' period is a time when the downsides of a person are masked from view in order that you can get to know something about person without their downsides muddying the waters.

The very longest you can expect this exhilarating, heady feeling to last is two years. After that, the happy fog lifts and you realise his personal hygiene regieme leaves something to be desired or that his crooked grin is actually a bit annoying. His faults and failings will begin to reveal themselves to you.

It's at around that point (when the fallen-in-love tank runs dry) that folk get to considering the other person in a more objective sense - with a view to either firming up the relationship or getting out of it. You are no doubt fallen in love with this new guy. And you sound like you love (which is a different thing) the original guy. There is nothing to say that because you love one person you are now invunerable to falling in love with another - life doesn't work like that. What you have to do once committed to one person is to barrier yourself off from falling in love with folk who will cross your path from time to time.

You don't seem to have realised this is the way it works, and so you failed to take appropriate evasive action at the start - when it would have been relatively easy to do that. Now find yourself in deeper trouble where the fallen in love feeling has gotten a grip. But the situation isn't beyond help: once you realise that you feel this way because of chemicals coursing through your brain - and not because there is anything intrinsically super-wonderful about this new guy - you can decide to cut him out.

It'll be a little bit more difficult to do now than at the start but you either do it now - or break up with your old boyfriend. You can't continue to string along both. If you break with your old boyfriend you will have to wait until the "fallen in love" feeling for this new guy wears off to find out if you have any long term future with him.

One thing is certain, that feeling will wear off.

Whatever you do - avoid becoming the type of person who can only have fallen-in-love level relationships. It might be exciting to hop from one fallen-in-love relationship to the next. But it will only make you sad in the end.

Best of luck in your choice.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011 · 20-01-2011 11:10pm

Hi OP,

Look, I'm not going to give you a roasting, as you already know you've done and are doing a terrible thing.

I just wish you'd come on boards much earlier, before you allowed the situation to escalate out of control.

There are one of two issues at play here, I think;

1. You don't love your long term BF, not in the way that you should. If you did, why would you do this to him.

2. This new guy represents a bit of excitement and danger- Its easy to romanticise him when you're sneaking around with him, you don't have to grapple with the "day to day" things with him such as domestic chores, paying bills, etc etc, all the things that living together entails.

Either way, it has to stop. For your own sake and theirs.

Little story for you that reminds me of your situation;

A good friend of mine, about a year back or so, got involved with a girl who (so she claimed) was very unhappy in her long term relationship.

He fancied the arse off this girl and they clicked really well personality wise. He kept getting really upset about the situation, wishing she would dump her BF, he really wanted a commitment off her. He told us he loved this girl.

Anyway, 5 months later, they were still involved. She broke it off with her BF, claiming this was the impetus she needed to finally dump him.

So my friend and her were together officially.

However, it didn't last very long. We couldn't understand why. They clicked and were mad about each other.

Eventually, he confessed the reasons why it didn't last.

1. He felt there was a certain seediness in how they got together initially. Not exactly a romantic story to tell the grandkids, or indeed anyone who asks how they got together.

2. There was the trust issue- "If she is capable of doing that to him, she could easily do it to me"

Basically, the relationship was tainted from day one. I believe this would be the same with you and the new guy.

So, your options are, I think.

1. Decide to stay with your BF, BUT you would have to tell him about this affair and allow him to make the decision to proceed or not. He deserves to know and these things have a nasty way of coming out in the end.

2. Dump both and start afresh. I know its preferable to seamlessly segue from one relationship to another so theres no period of being alone, but that rarely, if ever, works.

3. Make a go of it with your new guy. Really not advisable.

If you do go for option 1, be prepared for the chance that he won't forgive you. But thats the consequence you have to live with, I'm afraid.

I really hope it all works out for you.

Cheap Thrills! · 20-01-2011 11:17pm

Look OP. You are looking for guarantees that if you leave your BF everything will go perfect FOR YOU with the new guy and that it will all have been worth it. There are no such guarantees in life.

Whichever one you chose there will be a loss FOR YOU. Got that?
That's a fact. You can't have it all.

Well you can, but you just have to be a lot harder than you are.

You are provoking hostility here because you are justifying stringing your boyfriend along while you muse whimsically in your faux angst. You may be in denial about that. Doesn't matter to us, but you need to get real.

All this 'I feel so guilty and terrible' is a load of nonsense as well you know. You want the best of the best and you dont want to risk falling between two stools while you're figuring it out in your own sweet time.

That's who you are, own it. Come out of your denial and see yourself as you really are.

You're not some totally unique person in a totally unprecedented situation that no-one else can understand. Everyone can understand it. Do you really think you're the first person to create this situation? And create it you did, make no mistake. Stop romanticising the thing.

Your having a run-of-the-mill, common-or-garden affair. For what it's worth I'd choose the affair guy. Let the BF off the hook and let him know why so at least his self esteem won't be on the floor trying to guess.

You probably won't do this as your first concern will be what people will think of YOU. Naturally.

Cheap Thrills! · 20-01-2011 11:32pm

Confused...need advice! wrote: »

Telling my boyfriend about this might appease some of my guilt but will devestate him, and I have no intention of damaging someone I love to that extent.

What? The damage is already done. You can deny that to yourself but you can't turn back the clock.

Confused...need advice! wrote: »

I would prefer him to walk away thinking it just didn’t work anymore.

YOU would prefer. That's not what's best for him. He deserves the truth. People spend years devastated about how relationships ended because of this kind of manipulation and lies. You are not in any position to decide what is best for him.

Confused...need advice! wrote: »

I have enough life experience to know that sometimes honesty isn’t the best remedy, and in a situation like this he will actually get over me quicker not knowing about this affair.

Pure deluding yourself. It would be convenient for YOU. Stop playing God and making decisions for everyone. Let him go, let him see what you are. Believe me he will get over you a lot quicker if he knows why rather than this 'we just drifted apart' crap.

Confused...need advice! wrote: »

Like I said, I will reproach myself forever over what I have done, but I am not going to drag him down into this horrible mess also.

You already have dragged him into your mess. You need to accept that. Don't add insult to injury by pretending you are doing things for his good when in reality you are just trying to cover your own arse.

Moomoo1 · 21-01-2011 11:56pm

OP

you really have to tell your boyfriend about this. Simple as that.

Moomoo1 · 21-01-2011 11:59pm

OP-I-was-you wrote: »

It's probably the most selfish thing I could ever imagine doing (I actually posted here at the time and got ripped apart - rightly so!) but I was in a very black hole and the only comfort I had was going back to what I knew. I didn't go back intending to stay, actually Idon't really know what I was intending. But I had this person whose heart I had broken, who was begging me for another chance, and I hadn't it in me to do to him what the other guy had done to me, if you know what I mean.

I don't see that as selfish at all. The guy was an adult human being, he knew what the risks were for him if you went back and then decided that you didn't feel anything for him after all.

hatz7 · 01-02-2011 11:10pm

Forget the guilt that your feeling. Us men do, and have been doing what you wrote about for, nigh on, em for ever. Pick one,hope for the best, dont worry.Hope it works out for you

Red Hand · 02-02-2011 12:32pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP

you really have to tell your boyfriend about this. Simple as that.

Tell him to get an STD check as well...with more than two in the relationship (maybe the guy you're seeing on the sly is two timing you as well), then your b/f could get infected with something through no fault of his own.

02-02-2011 1:37pm

Confused...need advice! wrote: »

Thank you to those who replied with constructive advice,really appreciated. I'm not surprised my post attracted replies from the usual moralisers also,but to be honest until you have been in a situation like this, you have no right to outright condemn another person. .

I don't need to jump off a cliff to know it's a bad idea, I don't need to beat someone up to know it's a bad idea, and I don't need to be in your situation to know what you're doing is despicable :rolleyes:

Leave the pair of them

booboo88 · 02-02-2011 2:15pm

You are unbelievable. Think how you'd feel if roles were reversed? you'd never trust anyone again.
leave them both

borderline girl · 03-02-2011 12:54pm

i am shocked at the abuse being thrown at this girl, she did not ask for abuse but advice. i actually find the venom thrown at her more disturbing than the situation. she fell in love with someone else, she did not murder anyone!!!!!

the only advice i can offer is maybe to go and see a counsellor because they wont take sides and might try to help you sort the situation out better and more clearly in your head. love is blind and we do things we usually wouldnt when love comes into the situation, or perhaps its lust, i dont know.

but anyways best of luck in whatever road you choose

Wurly · 03-02-2011 5:00pm

borderline girl wrote: »

i am shocked at the abuse being thrown at this girl, she did not ask for abuse but advice. i actually find the venom thrown at her more disturbing than the situation. she fell in love with someone else, she did not murder anyone!!!!!

Really? So it's okay to sleep with someone else behind your partner's back then, yeah? Oh, okay then.

Chinafoot · 04-02-2011 12:13am

borderline girl wrote: »

i am shocked at the abuse being thrown at this girl, she did not ask for abuse but advice. i actually find the venom thrown at her more disturbing than the situation. she fell in love with someone else, she did not murder anyone!!!!!

I don't for one second think that anyone here is disgusted with the girl for falling in love with someone else. Her behaviour since falling in love (with someone she actively pursued btw) and her treatment of her partner is not something that should be applauded, pitied or in any way pandered to. She is behaving in an absolutely deplorable manner. At no point has her current boyfriend been considered, instead she is entirely focused on herself. Anyone with an ounce of decency would have left the current partner if they were genuinely in love with someone else. Instead she's hanging around, hmming and hawwing and essentially hedging her best in case, god forbid, she has to be single.

Behaviour like this and the selfish and dismissive posts by her in this thread are no doubt going to get a reaction from people. If she didn't want the honest opinion of other posters she shouldn't have posted here. She can't pick and choose what responses she gets.

OP, you need to make a decision and make it now. You claim to love your current boyfriend and if you really do you need to let him go. You have betrayed him in such an enormous way and continuing this charade will just destroy him even more. You're starting fights with him, having him wondering what on earth is going on between you and why things are so rocky. Its no fair and its not how you should be treating someone you claim to care so much about.

If you really are in love with this new man you should go and be with him. Why are you staying with your current boyfriend when you want to be elsewhere? Why are you saying you'd love to go back to how you and your current boyfriend were a year ago? Surely if you are in love with this new man, he is the one you really want to be with? You posts are full of contradictions and you sound like you have no idea who or what you want...once you don't end up alone.

A counsellor is a good idea. So is being 100% honest with yourself. I hope you'll do right by your partner of 4 years. He doesn't deserve this treatment.

Dont know which way to go...

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