Overcoming shyness in your 30s...

LegacyUser

Hiya,

I'm not sure if this is your typical "how do I say hello to a woman" type thread.
I'm kind of frustrated about my shyness. I mean with people I know I'm fine, some would even say really funny, a "mad fecker", or whatever. I'd have a laugh.

With women it seems to change. Initially I'm fine, but when I tend to meet up with them again for a date, I tent to almost be overly polite, and thinking "should I kiss her. should I put my arm around her. f**K what do I do now". I'm sure that could be misinterpreted as not liking someone, but the opposite is the case. If I wasn't really into them I would be taking the mickey, or trying to wind them up...

Also, I've been "out of the game" for about 2 years. I broke up with someone 2 years ago, and haven't really dated anyone since. Yeah, I've snogged a few and had a handful of one night stands, but I haven't dated someone at all for that length of time. So, I think that's also a factor. As in, if I get involved with someone again, I'd like it to be for all the right reasons.

I have been out on a handful of dates in the last week, and I'm almost afraid to try and be "touchy feely" in case it's misinterpreted. I dunno, it's kind of frustrating being like this in my 30s, but at the same time, I'm not pretending to be all cool and suave, I'm being myself, but I am shooting myself in both feet probably...

I am a friend

I'll be following this thread as I have the same problem ... Good luck op

LegacyUser

Well I'm writing from a female perspective (I'm in my early 30s), though I'm not sure if that's what you want, but sure I'll throw my two cents in anyway.

Firstly, if you've managed to bag a date you've got the first green light. They like you enough to date you, so give yourself a break. One thing that has always worked on me, and now that I think about it this has happened quite a few times, is the guy admitting to being nervous. Even if it's just a silent moment, and a 'quick, let's get some drink into us' or a mention of 'dutch courage'. Some have said it like that, some have said 'god, you make me nervous'. And on all occasions I took it as a compliment and probably gave him a touch on the arm for comfort or the like.

If you're not happy doing that, then my other advice would be to just stop thinking about it. Listen to what she's saying instead of playing nervous cyclical thoughts in your heard. Eventually you will naturally end up close enough to touch each other, or kiss each other. It will come naturally. Just let go of the control and you might find yourself enjoying the nerves.

Good luck with it all and have loads of fun

LegacyUser

good to get a womans perspective. Thanks. Yeah, that's it: nerves. I'm thinking "snap out of it man, you're in your 30s!!!". But I might just say it to her, as she may think I'm just not interested if I'm not making the effort to get closer. It's not that I don't want to make the effort, but I don't want to appear to just pounce....

LegacyUser

shotinthefoot wrote: »

Hiya,

I'm not sure if this is your typical "how do I say hello to a woman" type thread.
I'm kind of frustrated about my shyness. I mean with people I know I'm fine, some would even say really funny, a "mad fecker", or whatever. I'd have a laugh.

With women it seems to change. Initially I'm fine, but when I tend to meet up with them again for a date, I tent to almost be overly polite, and thinking "should I kiss her. should I put my arm around her. f**K what do I do now". I'm sure that could be misinterpreted as not liking someone, but the opposite is the case. If I wasn't really into them I would be taking the mickey, or trying to wind them up...

Also, I've been "out of the game" for about 2 years. I broke up with someone 2 years ago, and haven't really dated anyone since. Yeah, I've snogged a few and had a handful of one night stands, but I haven't dated someone at all for that length of time. So, I think that's also a factor. As in, if I get involved with someone again, I'd like it to be for all the right reasons.

I have been out on a handful of dates in the last week, and I'm almost afraid to try and be "touchy feely" in case it's misinterpreted. I dunno, it's kind of frustrating being like this in my 30s, but at the same time, I'm not pretending to be all cool and suave, I'm being myself, but I am shooting myself in both feet probably...

You seem to be ok with initially talking to a woman, but when it comes to a date you get nervous. Thats only natural, and trust me as a woman, I guarantee she would be just as nervous as you meeting up for a date!

Sounds like you behave as a perfect gentleman when you are out on a date, and the woman would notice this, and there are not many men like you left out there that would be that nice!

Next time you go out on a date, and if you feel nervous, just remember she is just as nervous, and I agree with the woman above to say you are nervous! It will help break the ice with her, and achieve a common ground for both of you. The reason you are nervous is because you like her, and want it to go well, and by saying it to her, in a way its quite sweet!

It may sound a little bit daft, but watch one of your favourite comedy's before you go out and have a laugh, and it would help calm your nerves as well. Another option would be to have a pint just before the date, it would help calm your nerves as well.

I hope these options help you out in some way.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. But if I say "I'm nervous", won't that come across as a bit pathetic from a woman's point of view? I mean, the last thing she probably wants is some guy who can't even get through a date without his nerves at him...

The more I think of it, it's been years since I've been on proper dates, as I was going out with someone before, got the bullet, and hadn't really been with anyone since for any period of time...

LegacyUser

shotinthefoot wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. But if I say "I'm nervous", won't that come across as a bit pathetic from a woman's point of view? I mean, the last thing she probably wants is some guy who can't even get through a date without his nerves at him...

The more I think of it, it's been years since I've been on proper dates, as I was going out with someone before, got the bullet, and hadn't really been with anyone since for any period of time...

If you say "I'm nervous" to the woman, say in a jokey sort of way, some way that will put you and her at ease, as she would be just as nervous as you.

You are out of practice with women, and its completely natural to feel this way, when you are "Getting back in the game" as you put it.

Since you got the bullet before, your confidence has been hit when it comes to women, and you need to get that back within yourself.

Also, if you are out with a woman that you really connect with, your nerves will dissolve, and be forgotten about, as you would be enjoying the time with her so much/getting on with her well.

You will be fine

LegacyUser

You could say that you are nervous because you've never dated a Engelbert Humperdinck fan before (even though she probably isn't)...

LegacyUser

I must say, I laughed at the last comment, I'll try it this week...

LegacyUser

I think you've got to remember that women see things differently than men. OK, we don't want to date a total pussy, but admitting you're nervous isn't a sign of that. Refusing to get rid of the spider in the bath is... It takes courage to say how you feel, even if it is just nerves.

Plus, if you had all your 'moves' down pat, she might think that you're out dating loads of women, and it's more about the game than the person. Nobody wants to date someone who seems to be just making their way through the masses. If you're nervous, that shows you only date those that you like... and she's one of them.

I loved the suggestion about watching comedy before you go out, and sure you can always stick on an Engelbert Humperdinck record for good measure.

Remember... dating is supposed to be fun!!!

Selik

shotinthefoot wrote: »

good to get a womans perspective. Thanks. Yeah, that's it: nerves. I'm thinking "snap out of it man, you're in your 30s!!!". But I might just say it to her, as she may think I'm just not interested if I'm not making the effort to get closer. It's not that I don't want to make the effort, but I don't want to appear to just pounce....

I can completely relate to what you are saying here, as well as some of your original post. In fact, I am going on a date tomorrow with a chick I really dig and I'm quite nervous (and also excited) about it, if not nervous-as-hell about it. Have hung out with and fooled around with the girl in question a bit and seen each other a few times but this is the kinda the first where we're going for some foot and drinks and hopefully having a great night together (before we had couple of party/mad night out meetings and a very funny sober midweek night evening out).

In fairness we have been texting an awful lot (and a few entertaining online chats) which should help alot as we seem to have similar outlooks on things and alot in common (interested in music, have travelled alot etc).

Anyways best of luck with your dilemma, if you're anything like me you'll find the feelings echoed in your original post usually fade every quickly once you get to know somebody even a little bit better and you're both more comfortable (and familiar) with each others company.