Should I ask him to lose weight to cure his impotence?

Mind44

My husband and I stopped being intimate at least ten to twelve years ago except for 3 to 4 times a year where we engage in some sexual activity but there is no intercourse (am I allowed to say that here? lol).

Anyway, I have always had a strong sex drive. He knew this from the outset and we had great sex the first few years we were together but shortly after we got married he stopped being interested. For many years I felt unwanted, lonely, frustrated and stressed.

In my mind he simply stopped wanting me and would turn his back on me at night. No matter how obvious I tried to be about wanting sex he would ignore me and turn around and go to sleep. There were times I thought I'd lose my mind with frustration. At that time I simply thought he'd gone off me, I had no reason to believe that he was impotent (or mostly impotent) because he certainly never said it and when he *was* interested in sex (5-6 times a year at this point) he was able to get an erection though, looking back, he went soft a couple of times. He was very good at hiding it and I've no doubt now that he discovered through masturbation that he wasn't getting hard and simply didn't want me to know. Seems he'd rather I feel rejected than know that he was impotent. And that's exactly how I felt for years.

I was very hurt. Many times I wanted to talk about it, I tried to find out what I could do to make things better. He simply refused to talk to me about it and refused counselling or outside help. He would blatantly pretend he didn't realise I was interested in sex despite me telling him again and again. And uh, believe me I made it clear when I was.

Looking back now, what caused the hurt was the fact that he never once addressed the issue. When we would get close, I would ask him why wasn't he interested in sex any more and he would attempt to tell me that he found me very sexy, loved my body etc but just when I'd start to believe him, we'd go without even touching again for 2 or 3 months.

Eventually I realised he was impotent and that most likely that was why he was avoiding sex all those years. If only I'd known.

A few days ago we did get close again after being practically celibate for a few years, he still didn't get an erection though. But it was nice. I know it won't happen for months again if ever though. After doing research I realise that it's almost certainly his weight that's the issue. His blood pressure, heart etc are fine (I know this cause he had all that checked recently in hospital for a minor issue). But he is quite a few stone overweight and most likely this is at the crux of the impotence.

At this stage, I feel I'm still young, I'm 40, and christ no-one can say I haven't tried in this marriage. I have. I'm now interested in addressing the issue again. I was thinking of suggesting that we both go on a diet to help our sex life or to *start* a friggin sex life. I have a bit of weight to lose myself too.

Would you lose weight if you thought it would cure your impotence and give you a rewarding sex life? Would it be worth it to most men?

I don't want to hurt his feelings. Christ, I'm no super model myself, lolol!! But surely his marriage is worth trying to get fit and lose weight? We could have another 10 or 15 years or more of good sex if we got ourselves physically fit now.

What do you think?

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

I think you are flogging a dead horse there. His refusal to do anything about his impotence speaks volumes. It's been 10-12 years. Not even a Saint would put up with that.

If he wouldn't see a Doctor or even admit he was impotent then I doubt he will bother losing weight. His actions would indicate that it's not that important to him.

You could try obviously OP, but if that fails really you need to think about this whole relationship. 40 is young. You can't go the rest of your life with no sex.

Zen65

Mind44 wrote: »

But surely his marriage is worth trying to get fit and lose weight? We could have another 10 or 15 years or more of good sex if we got ourselves physically fit now.

What do you think?

Well, yes you could.

However you should be careful about making such a simple diagnosis about his impotence. There could be other factors at play, including psychological issues. The ideal solution is for him to see a GP and get checked out.

That aside, you might both benefit from a change of lifestyle which involved more physical activity. Why not watch "Operation Transformation" on RTE together and agree to try changing lifestyles, including diet and exercise? It will certainly give you both a chance of resuming some sort of sex life.

The best chance of rekindling the sexual side of your relationship really requires that you talk about it, like adults. I think it's about time you got firm and made it clear that you want him to work with you towards getting things back on track. Don't rely on innuendo or suggestion..... this is something you need to talk about openly, calmly and lovingly. There is so much that can be done nowadays to deal with erectile dysfunction that it would be a real shame to let your lives go by without getting a little help.


Good luck.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hey,

I was in the same boat as your husband, well not with my wife as I'm not married but what I mean is I think I was impotent because of my weight, I have since shifted all the weight and my sex drive has greatly improved. I always knew it was my weight so I did make that decision to lose it so I could maintain an erection again.

However not only are you going to approach your husband about his impotence but also about his weight so you have to be careful here. You are at the stage though where you should be able to talk about anything to him so yes I would bring it up in the nicest way possible. Do suggest you both do more outdoor activities together to egt some exercise, also take over the cooking full time for a while and start cooking healthy meals for you both to enjoy.

Best of luck,

Mind44

I should have said that at one point about 8 years ago he did finally mention it in passing to the GP. It wasn't easy. (Understand I wasn't always this patient, it's come with age! lol). The doc gave him viagra. The few times he tried it, it worked maybe twice (over an 8 month period). Then it didn't work and so he stopped using it altogether. That was the only time he went for help. That was the result of my nagging as he'd probably view it. *Sigh*

The thing is, if he's not interested in sex at all why does he still initiate some activity 3 to 4 times a year. I'd rather there was nothing at all now actually. It would be easier than the occasional crumb.

Thanks Cheap Thrills I see what you're saying. I wish he was into cheap thrills. (Hey at least I still have a sense of humour, otherwise I'd have lost my mind years ago!).

Jenneke87

Do you actually know for sure he's impotent, as in has it been confirmed by your GP or is it just you thinking he's impotant because thats what I gather from your post?

So 12 years has gone by without him wanting intercourse. This may be me, but if there was something wrong with my body to that extent, there's no way I would walk around 12 years with it, could it be that there are other underlying issues that are not addressed within your marriage as well? You write that before you got married, the sex was great but dwindled right after you got married. That sounds like he'd become impotant(as you claim) within the space of a few weeks, which sounds odd to me.

My advice is, before jumping to conclusions, is discuss this issue with your partner and get him to a GP to find out if he is indeed impotent and if his weight is the cause of that(doesn't neccesarily have to be)

best of luck

Mind44

Zen65 wrote: »

Well, yes you could.

However you should be careful about making such a simple diagnosis about his impotence. There could be other factors at play, including psychological issues. The ideal solution is for him to see a GP and get checked out.

That aside, you might both benefit from a change of lifestyle which involved more physical activity. Why not watch "Operation Transformation" on RTE together and agree to try changing lifestyles, including diet and exercise? It will certainly give you both a chance of resuming some sort of sex life.

The best chance of rekindling the sexual side of your relationship really requires that you talk about it, like adults. I think it's about time you got firm and made it clear that you want him to work with you towards getting things back on track. Don't rely on innuendo or suggestion..... this is something you need to talk about openly, calmly and lovingly. There is so much that can be done nowadays to deal with erectile dysfunction that it would be a real shame to let your lives go by without getting a little help.


Good luck.


Be at peace,

Z

Z, you're preaching to the choir here. There is no chance whatsoever of him ever talking about this like an adult. I've tried for 12 years! I've made it clear how important this is to me. I've even told him that I need to separate from him because I can't go without intimacy forever. I mean, if he at least tried I would stay. But he won't go for help or talk. That's why I'm thinking the diet thing might work as he won't be embarrassed about that whereas I know he'd rather die than talk to a psychologist etc.

I did eventually just accept a few years back that nothing was going to change ever so I thought I'd just go with it. But now the frustration and yearning is back.

Mind44

Jenneke87,

Thanks. He is definitely impotent. I don't want to get too graphic here but um when we do occasionally engage in some physical closeness he enjoys er doing things to me but it has no physical reaction in him in terms of an erection. But he does actually climax. WITHOUT ever getting erect.

It was a slow gradual decline over a year or two I suppose. I'm just trying to sum up here really. We're together 20 years so it's hard (no pun intended) to define the exact times. The first 3 years were great. Then over the next 12 to 18 months it slowly died.

LegacyUser

Could you have a chat with the doctor, assuming you both have the same one?

If something could be done but he refuses to try it, I think I'd up and leave. 40 is much too young to do without intimacy because of stubborn pride.

If he knew for sure that nothing could be done and it's not his 'fault', maybe he'd feel relieved and relax enough to get intimate again. And if you knew for sure that it's not his 'fault' either and you still love him, it might help you come to terms with it.

Mind44

wasthesame,

Thanks so much for your post. I'm so glad to hear that the weight loss has increased your sex drive. May I ask, when you were overweight did you still want sex but couldn't physically achieve an erection? I hope that makes sense!

I will definitely be tactful when I bring it up. As I say I could do with shedding a bit of weight myself so we'd be doing this together, if he goes for it.

Mind44

Sybill wrote: »

Could you have a chat with the doctor, assuming you both have the same one?

If something could be done but he refuses to try it, I think I'd up and leave. 40 is much too young to do without intimacy because of stubborn pride.

If he knew for sure that nothing could be done and it's not his 'fault', maybe he'd feel relieved and relax enough to get intimate again. And if you knew for sure that it's not his 'fault' either and you still love him, it might help you come to terms with it.

That's good advice Sybill. He knows he needs to lose the weight, not just for this but for health reasons. He's playing with fire carrying so many extra stones. It's simply going to shorten his life. But even though he knows too I'm sure that the weight loss could help his impotence, I think if I can get him to talk to the doctor again, it would help. Kind of starting again with a fresh slate. I was bitter about the lack of sex and I had given up myself on having a sex life. But now I'm calm and I do think it's worth starting again. We shall see! Thanks.

Mind44

Well, we've made a small start. He's agreed to do more walking and to cycle 3 times a week - a good start I think. If nothing else comes out of this other than him being healthier, that's a good thing.

Thanks guys.

LegacyUser

alongside the exercise you should change your diet in order to lose weight, and you don't have to starve yourself to do so. Just very simple eating habits that are difficult to switch to initially but your taste buds change and you get used to it.

Replace spuds/chips/wedges with brown rice
Replace White Bread with wholewheat brown bread (the homebaked type)
Replace treats like chocolate/sweets/icecream with fruit like an apple/orange/pear
Avoid fried food
Have bran,porridge or wheatabix in the morning instead of the usual type of frosted cereal
Reduce alcohol or give up on it altogether
Drink loads of water to fill you up
..and...the big one...especially with his problem...don't smoke

I managed to lose 4 stone over 7 months following the above plan.