Boyfriend DIY's himself in bed every night

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend less than a year so I wouldn't say our sex life has dried up. I thought it was quite good but... the last few weeks I've realised that he's DIY-ing it (don't want to be vulgar) in bed next to me. Most nights we would have sex and then around 4 in the morning the noises and movement have been waking me up.. I tried having sex twice a couple of nights to see if that would stop it but he still does it later on. It came out in an argument a few weeks ago but he denied it and said he's just scratching (I know what it is, I'm not that naive). My ex never did this. I don't understand why it's happening or what he's thinking. Is this common? Am I wrong to feel offended in some way? He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever but I can't imagine listening to this every night. Am I not enough for him? Would appreciate your thoughts.

miec

Hi Op

Are you satisfied with the amount of sex you have together? If I was with someone and he was spending more time doing diy than having sex with me I would be bothered but if I was satisified and he was still doing the self pleasuring I wouldn't mind, having said that I have not really experienced what you have, except for once, my last partner did once in his sleep, now maybe your partner does it in his sleep, also if it is a recent thing, it could be (as odd as this sounds) stress related and the whole self pleasuring is a way of relieving tension. The thing is I wouldn't give him a hard time about it, I do believe you are enough for him but sometimes we all need to just self pleasure (note I am a woman, not a man) it can be a nice stress reliever. Having said that I have not been in your predicament where it is all the time so maybe I would not be so beneign (I'd be more pissed off at the lack of sleep)

tenchi-fan

It sounds like you think he's cheating on you... with himself. I think you're being oversensitive.

Sephiroth_dude

^^^^^+1 to this,If its bothering you so much why dont you ask him to go out to the bathroom or something or join in

LeixlipRed

I find it strange that instead of asking him what he's doing when he "DIYs" himself, you come on the internet to talk to strangers about it. Next time he does it just ask him what he's doing and talk about it like adults.

MrMojoRising

Gimme a break. Its bad enough women complaining about men glancing at other women, but now we can't even touch ourselves!! Are you for real OP??

kerryman12

OP I dont blame you for being a bit weirded out by that, to be honest. Sounds to me that you have a good sex life based on your post so why he still feels the need to knock one off I am not so sure.
What ever is going on with him, out of respect for you I dont think he should be having a sneaky one while you sleep.

I guess the standard, and probably the right thing to say to you is " talk to him" about it. If you do decide to do this be carefully how you approach the subject, and dont wait until it comes up again in the next argument.

best of luck

LegacyUser

This is a behavior/habit that has to stop, its not normal IMO.

Next time he does it, you should "offer to finish" or just finish what he has started, if he turns away in shock maybe that will stop it, if not then you may need to have a serious chat and get to the root of this behaviour, as mentioned its not normal for an adult male in a relationship.

LegacyUser

Thats a load of bollocks.

Its perfectly normal. Even with a normal and happy sex life sometimes you just need some me time. You think its not normal/ healthy behaviour for an adult male? You obviously havent a clue. Maybe hes just horny and doesnt think his girlfriend is feeling the same. Maybe its as simple as not wanting to disturb his girlfriend from her sleep.
Its perfectly normal! Masturbation is something men ( and you'd be surprised how many girls as well ) do all throughout their lives even in relationships.

Op just chat about it in a normal way, surely you're both mature enough to talk about these things. If its really weirding you out ask him to do it somewhere private away from you . Im sure he means no harm.

Mind44

Masturbating is a totally separate experience for a man to having sex with his girlfriend. It's not that one is better than the other, it's that they're separate issues. Honestly there is still such a taboo about masturbating I find it funny. I'm not laughing at you OP but rather at society.

99% of males discover masturbation at the age of puberty and realise how pleasurable it is. There's nothing wrong with that. It's their body, it's a thing they do, it's completely natural. They keep up masturbation on a regular basis through their teens and into adulthood. Just because they then one day get into a relationship doesn't mean that masturbation should stop. It's just a thing they do. It's nothing to do with you or your sex life.

If you can accept it as a normal activity that all men do and understand that it's his body to enjoy as he wishes, perhaps you can overcome your own insecurities about it? Because honestly it's no reflection, good or bad, on you.

When you get older you'll realise that the majority of men masturbate and do it often - our neighbours, our brothers, our husbands, our sons, our uncles, our friends. It's just normal, that's all! It's like a lot of men wake up with a hard on in the morning, they didn't ask for it, they mightn't even be in the mood for having sex but the erection is there! It's natural!

Good luck.

Firetrap

I think you need to interrupt him next time he's at it and bring the issue out into the open, so to speak. I'm surprised he's continued to do it after the issue was raised.

I don't think the issue is that the guy DIYs - I've no clue what percentage of people in relationships masturbate but I'd reckon that a lot of people do - but that he thinks that it's OK to do this when you're lying beside him in the bed. It's like he has normalised this behaviour.

Kimia

To be honest that would really annoy me, not that he was playing with himself, but f*ck off out of the bed please and don't do it next to me while I'm trying to sleep! It would freak me out, has he no self control? Weird.

Jenneke87

I agree masturbation is normal but does he really have to do it at 4 am and wake you up because of it? If you were to "join in" as others suggest you wouldn't have a proper night's sleep anymore for a looooong time! I'd be blunt and tell him to go the bathroom or something.

Zen65

Buttercup101 wrote: »

Am I not enough for him?

Op, this is absolutely the wrong question to be asking yourself. This man's habit (if you are right in your judgement about what he's doing) is not related to you at all. He may simply be following a routine that he has established since his teens, and it helps him get to sleep.

Buttercup101 wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend less than a year so I wouldn't say our sex life has dried up.

Do you have an issue with your sex life as a couple, apart from this? If you do, then perhaps you should be talking to him about it, rather than posting about his DIY habit.

Buttercup101 wrote: »

It came out in an argument a few weeks ago but he denied it and said he's just scratching (I know what it is, I'm not that naive). My ex never did this.

Well excuse me being vulgar for a moment, because the devil is in the detail on this. If it is a DIY job he's doing what's happening at the climax? Does he hop out of bed in a panic to get to the toilet? Does he have a large box of tissues at his bedside despite not having a cold?

Buttercup101 wrote: »

I don't understand why it's happening or what he's thinking. Is this common?

I heard a quote once that 95% of men admit to masturbating regularly & the rest are lying about it. So nobody really knows how common this is, but I'll bet it would not be uncommon.


Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Is he awake OP? Is it possible he's just touching himself when he's asleep. Is he finishing himself off?

I agree with the others, just ask him when he's doing it.

R.D. aka MR.D

this is very strange.

not the masturbating in general but the fact that he is doing it in bed next to you!

If he really wants to do it in the middle of the night then why doesn't he go to the bathroom like a gentleman!

I agree with other posters that say the next time you hear him just say it to him! Be like- um what are you doing! If you are comfortable enough to have sex together then you should be comfortable enough to bring this up.

Also I wouldn't worry that it has anything to do with you not being enough.

But I would seriously question him on why he is doing this in bed next to you.

baby and crumble

Why do so many people want him to go to the bathroom to enjoy himself? I don't get why masturbation is meant to be relegated to the toilet, not exactly a comfy place, is it?

Chucky the tree

zoegh wrote: »

Why do so many people want him to go to the bathroom to enjoy himself? I don't get why masturbation is meant to be relegated to the toilet, not exactly a comfy place, is it?

Probably because it common courtesy. Waking your OH up at 4am whether your having a **** or reading a book is poor form.

Firetrap

I'm not suggesting by any means that he's a sex addict but one of the symptoms of it is compulsive masturbation. Just something to keep in mind and look into more if he doesn't change his ways.

whatsamsn

This is just plain old weird.

A guy jerkin' it in a bed as his gf sleeps right next too him?
This guy is a sex addict. Thats obvious. Fair enough tho. But you think he would be doing it with the op all the time rather than sly **** as she sleeps.

You would even think he would wake the op up wanting it... which lets face it what married bloke hasnt ever done :P

If I put myself in that situation and I was living with my girlfriend but she "sorts herself out" most nights I would be freaked out and very uncomfortable. Clearly she would be thinking of other men too. Op never mentioned of him touching her body as he did it ... so his mind is on other women. Yes, yes everyone can think of someone besides their partner. But doing so most nights and masturbating right beside their sleeping partner? That takes the buscuit.

As for advice op? He shouldnt be doing it. Full stop. And I can see why you came to the conclusion of feeling "not good enough" - dont worry, sounds like he is a sex addict. So just tell him to stop it.

Contessa Raven

I think the issue is more the fact that he's waking his partner in the middle of the night to masturbate as opposed to actually masturbating.

Next time he wakes you up OP just say "Can you not go to the bathroom to do that? This is the X time you've woken me up this week and it's starting to irritate me."

That's what I'd do anyway!

annapolska

Hmmm... I guess I'm in the minority here in that I don't really think this is a big deal.

It's his body, if he wants to touch himself all night that's up to him.
I wouldn't interrupt him mid-**** to discuss this. I think that would only lead to embarrassment and a very awkward situation. Just tell him that you've had trouble sleeping lately because of it and would he mind going to another room or being a little less vigorous. Or maybe the next time he wakes you up, you should whip out a vibrator and DIY yourself too.

LegacyUser

There's nothing strange at all about this, OP. Next time he does it, just cuddle up to him and tell him to keep going. If you have a healthy sex life, and he wants to masturbate as well, it should be something you can both accept.

Ickle Magoo

Being woken at 4am because your other-half is shoogling the bed **** to the point it wakes you up every other night is nothing to do with healthy or sex life, tbh.

OP, next time turn the light on and ask for a discussion, masturbation is normal, masturbation in a relationship is normal, masturbation when you can't sleep even, is normal. Regularly waking your parter in the middle of the night while having a **** - not so normal and likely to cause issues as regularly waking your partner a 4am doing pretty much anything would - I imagine it's just the reason for the waking causing the added awkwardness. No need to be awkward OP, tell him it's annoying you and ask to find a solution. If he can't or won't then you'll need to rethink your sleeping arrangements.

Best of luck.

parker kent

Masturbation is normal. Every guy does it so him having a **** every night is not the problem. Plenty of people also do it to help them get asleep. None of that should be a problem. But waking the OP up every night at 4am is a problem. It is common sense to realize that waking somebody up at 4am every night is not the done thing.

So the OP should check if he is actually awake (it is possible to sleep ****). If he is, she is well within her right to ask him to either do it somewhere else (and to quietly leave the bed so as not to wake her), to do it at another time of day or to see if he needs more from their sex life.

As a guy who knows what it is like to have a high sex drive, even I find what he is doing a little odd as it shows a basic lack of care for the person he is sleeping with. It should be obvious that whacking off will wake up somebody asleep next to you.

metrovelvet

This is why people should have separate bedrooms.

Bring back the victorian marriage.

I dont think he should have to masterbate in the bathroom and I don't think OP should be sleep deprived either.

dub_3

Op, sorry to be blunt, but does he ejaculate when you have sex.
If not that could make him frustrated and hence the DIY.

I'm of the opinion that his masturbation isn't a big problem, but waking you at 4am is.

Complain to him when he wakes you up, he needs to modify his behaviour so you can get a nights sleep.

leaving aside the waking you up bit, if you do find him masturbating, then do whatever you can to help him along, the sooner he climaxes, the sooner he's ready for sleep. And that means you get to sleep too (unless he's a bad snorer!)