Turbo Trainers: Conditions and Limitations of Use

100Suns

The bicycle, like the car and scuba gear, were invented to be used outside. In light of the disappointing turn out on the roads this morning there is a real concern that the Classics and the TdF will soon be contested by pasty (but not anemic) looking anorexics riding rollers in a warehouse in Slough. So, Im proposing to arrest the slide toward indoor stationery cycling by establishing conditions and limitations for the use of turbo trainers and rollers.

1. Use is acceptable only as part of a predetermined training regime on a work day. it cannot be substituted for an outdoor ride on a day off under any circumstances. (Remember, you can only do 2 things well, so in addition to cycling you must choose either family or work)
2. Weather related circumstances under which use on a non-work day may be acceptable:
2.1. It is so cold that you can compile documentary evidence that arctic animals are trying to break into your house to escape the cold outside
2.2. It is so windy that the structure in which your bike was housed was blown down and the emergency services could not recover it from the debris. (Again, documentary evidence required)
2.3. It is so hot that the earth's mantle has liquified and you cannot keep the bike upright.
2.4. Rain is not a reason under any circumstances. There are always hills which will not be flooded.

Other reasonable conditions will be considered.

macnab

3.The Wife has run off with the Postman and there is a national Babysitter strike.

100Suns

Ties in nicely with the 'only able to do 2 things well' rule which applies generally to cycle racing. Accepted.;)

Beasty

Is a broken wrist an acceptable excuse? What about concussion and recovering from operations?

What about those of us who travel - are we allowed to substitute "indoor cycling" when we do not have access to a real bike?

Lumen

macnab wrote: »

3.The Wife has run off with the Postman and there is a national Babysitter strike.

Or worse still, the wife has run off with the childminder.

English Bob

Severe frost on roads today meant no commute for me so guess the turbo will have to do for tonight.:(

Lumen

English Bob wrote: »

Severe frost on roads today meant no commute for me(

Wimp!

100Suns

Beasty wrote: »

Is a broken wrist an acceptable excuse? What about concussion and recovering from operations?

What about those of us who travel - are we allowed to substitute "indoor cycling" when we do not have access to a real bike?

If ever in doubt, ask yourself, 'What would Jens do?'.

If of an older vintage/Vet (ahem) and you're not sure what Jens would do, think Kelly/Coppi. (If you're under 15, think Bear Grylls :rolleyes:)

A competent competitive cyclist must be able to cycle at speed with no hands and perform complex tasks with those hands. Therefore, cycling with one hand should be child's play and does not attract an exemption from cycling outdoors.

Neither free will nor a fully functioning brain are required to cycle outdoors for the self-respecting cyclist. Some of the greatest ever have undeniably been of unsound mind so concussion and other mild brain injuries do not qualify. The only medical condition which may attract an exemption is a major organ transplant where more than two Consultant Surgeons confirm that a fall at speed within a defined period may cause said organ to become detached from the gubbins to which it has been attached.

Turning plastic platforms attached to metal rods sticking out of a device with one wheel (which is usually non-functional/for decoration only) in a hotel gym (sorry 'leisure facility/spa') does not and never will constitute cycling, even indoor cycling. It does not even qualify as the poor relation of the turbo trainer and must be held in contempt by any self respecting cyclist. Such simulation constitutes delusion on a grand scale and cannot be contemplated under any circumstances. The impact of such activity on one's self esteem should not be under-estimated and cannot be surpassed. For the avoidance of doubt and to remove any perceived ambiguity, that's a 'no'.

100Suns

English Bob wrote: »

Severe frost on roads today meant no commute for me so guess the turbo will have to do for tonight.:(

Please refer to 2.1 above (and Lumen's composed assessment).

mloc123

100Suns wrote: »

(If you're under 15, think Bear Grylls :rolleyes:)

Hmm, I do have my 'piss bottle' beside the turbo...

Jawgap

Just to clarify......

.....use of the turbo in any weather is acceptable if the sight of you sweaty, wearing cycling shorts and jersey unzipped to the waist is likely to cause maximum embarassment to your kids because their mates are coming around

....when using the turbo, is it obligatory to do an appropriate victory salute at the end of the workout?

@EnglishBob - htfu:)

100Suns

Jawgap wrote: »

Just to clarify......

.....use of the turbo in any weather is acceptable if the sight of you sweaty, wearing cycling shorts and jersey unzipped to the waist is likely to cause maximum embarassment to your kids because their mates are coming around

....when using the turbo, is it obligatory to do an appropriate victory salute at the end of the workout?

@EnglishBob - htfu:)

On the first point, if the turbo session is on a work day and is part of a predetermined training regime, this is acceptable (and possibly obligatory). Remember however, that your kids will most likely be the ones picking your nursing home so while inflicting mortification on them brings its own rewards, a level of trauma which resides with them into middle age is to be avoided. So, lounging about the house in cycling gear when their friends are over is possibly the outer limit. The best judge of where this threshold lies is probably the children's mother so consult if this is an option.

For the avoidance of doubt, a training session is not to be substituted by indoor cycling on the basis that your children's friends are coming over.

On the second point, when a bicycle is used properly for training purposes one should not have the energy or mental acuity to be constructing fantasy worlds and executing such folly. The exception of course is if you are visible to your children when their friends are over (best if you don't let them know you know they can see you).

English Bob

Maybe one of these would make it more possible to cycle into work today!

For all you tough guys - I bet you'd all be up for this!! -

Jawgap

Picture 2 is a triathlete:

Exhibit A - he has an inked number on his skin

Exhibit B - he's wearing shoes - proper hard would be to do this without shoes

100Suns

Exhibit C - he is intentionally and needlessly avoiding pain and suffering

Exhibit D - he is concerned about retaining some modicum of modesty.