Girlfriend's Stepdad has Cancer

LegacyUser

My girlfriend of one year's stepdad has just been diagnosed with prostate Cancer.

My girlfriend is surprisingly upset about it. I say surprisingly, because up until this happened, she hated the guy's guts. And quite rightly so, based on the stories she's told me. (For example getting her nothing for christmas, but getting her siblings presents).

Anyway, I try to be there for her. But I think she's demanding too much of me now. I'm in the final year of a PHD. It's a huge amount of work, most nights I spend working right until I go to bed, and obviously my top priority right now is to do well.

However, 6 days out of 7, she's been texting me, saying she's upset and needs company. I can't just drop my work and go and see her every day. It's just not possible. I do make time to see her 3-4 times a week, more than I see everyone else, friends, family etc. put together.

Yet she argues that I don't care about her. I've explained the seriousness of my workload. She's met other people on my course who have said the same thing. It's not a case of me not wanting to see her. It's a case of not being able.

She's really upset over all this. The thing is, I do care about her. I've told her. I try to show it to her. To be honest, It's getting annoying. Does she expect me to fail my course for her? I don't know what to do.

LeixlipRed

I think it's clear from her reaction that she doesn't hate him. And maybe what she said before was just a bit of acting out. She just found out a close relative has been diagnosed with cancer, if you care for her you'll find time to do both. I'm in a similar situation study wise to yourself and there's always time for something as important as this.

Leitrim lass

Fair enough she is upset about her step-dad. perhaps she didn't hate him so much after all.
But, shouldn't she be trying to spend more time with HIM instead of you? Maybe I'm being a little harsh or insensitive here but she seems to be making this more about her than about him.
Do you believe that he buys all her siblings Christmas presents and leaves her out? Is it possible she doesn't like him being the centre of attention and is jealous of the sympathy is is receiving? Was she one of those children who didn't like her mother to remarry as often happens?
I don't know. I just feel that if she was really thinking of her stepdad here she would be making a huge effort to spend more time with him and make up for her past attitude towards him instead of demanding that this be turned into an issue of you not spending enough time with her.

Skuxx

I have to agree with the above post! She seems to be making it all about her! You mentioned she has other siblings. Do they get on? Surely she could turn to them for help as they are all going through the same thing! Obviously she needs alot of support form you too but you also have to watch out for yourself!

LegacyUser

I agree with the above two posts.

Her stepfather has cancer, her priorities, (if she finds that this makes her reconsider her feelings towards him), should be:

1. her stepfather
2. her mother
3. she could be tied for third place with any children but come after any of stepfather's own children

OP, has she, in the past, complained about not seeing enough of you? Do you think she's using this as an excuse?

LeixlipRed

Where in his post does it say she's not spending time with her step-dad? I'm not mad on her playing the, "you don't care about me" card but I really think that there's no scenario were the gf isn't extremely upset by the cancer revelation.

krankykitty

Who's anyone here to say what the girlfriend's priorities should be? Everyone's family is different and has different dynamics. I think it's clear from what the OP said that the gf is going through a hard time and while it might appear a little needy, she does actually need his support at this time. I don't know how that ended up being categorised as attention seeking, or discrediting what she has said about her relationship with the step father.

Obvioustly you're in a bind OP as your studies are taking up so much of your time. Is there any way you can combine the two - ie say to your girlfriend that you'll come over, but that you need to do x amount of hours before you come? or even is it possible that you can study over in her place and take your breaks with her - this way you are present but still getting some work done?

I think its important to give support to your girlfriend at this time but it's also important to be able to get the work done. It's a juggling act. I presume you've talked to your girlfriend about how much you do care for her and how you're struggling with how to fit in the both?