Wrongly accused boyfriend of cheating.

LegacyUser

Today my boyfriend of over a year and a half went for a check up at the clinic and was informed he has an STI. He contacted me immediately and we agreed to meet up later to discuss it. My initial thought was that it had to be spread through touch or clothing but fearing I might be being a little naive I did some research on the Internet. I discovered(incorrectly) that this particular STI is a purely sexually transmitted disease; it is not. Later when we met I confronted him in an asinine and aggressive manner. He hadn't cheated(I should have known). Unfortunately he was livid that I would have so little trust in him. He's always been very honest and upfront with me so it was an undeserved accusation. He has now suspended contact.

I really don't know what to do. I don't mean to seem clichéd but he is utterly perfect for me. I've never met anyone equally interested in maths, literature and life! My friends say that it was a legitimate question, I had what I believed to be conclusive evidence. I'm not convinced. I feel that with a track record cleaner than that of a choir boy I should never have asked. What can I do to make this better? To show him I can trust him? I have pretty low self-esteem so it was less about believing he was capable of cheating and more about believing that I wasn't good enough not to cheat on.

Please help.

Lorrs33

It's understandable that you reacted in such a way, because after all it's called a Sexually Transmitted Infection. I'm actually surprised that the idea that he had cheated wasn't the first thought that entered your mind, fair play. In my opinion, you should try and explain this to your boyfriend, as well as your self esteem issues. Surely he will understand and put it down to a error of judgement. But right now, let him cool down and wait for him to contact you.

FilthyMickey

Im confused how you could get an sti from non sexual contact? Doesn't sti mean sexually transmitted infection? If it can be caught by other means, surely its just an infection that is not classed as a infection solely caught by sexual contact.
You were right to think he cheated if he didnt get it from you. I assume you dont have an sti.

LegacyUser

Lorrs33 wrote: »

It's understandable that you reacted in such a way, because after all it's called a Sexually Transmitted Infection. I'm actually surprised that the idea that he had cheated wasn't the first thought that entered your mind, fair play. In my opinion, you should try and explain this to your boyfriend, as well as your self esteem issues. Surely he will understand and put it down to a error of judgement. But right now, let him cool down and wait for him to contact you.

It wasn't hard not to jump to conclusions. Like I've said before he's been very honest- even telling me about temptations to cheat etc. I'm just afraid that he thinks the principle upon which our whole relationship was founded is a lie. I can't explain it to him I tried; even the fact that I believed him instantly didn't seem to sway him.

It was such a silly argument. I'd hate for something so perfect to end as a result of such a trivial offense. Has anyone else had a similar problem and managed to resolve it?

Thanks for the replies

LegacyUser

FilthyMickey wrote: »

Im confused how you could get an sti from non sexual contact? Doesn't sti mean sexually transmitted infection? If it can be caught by other means, surely its just an infection that is not classed as a infection solely caught by sexual contact.
You were right to think he cheated if he didnt get it from you. I assume you dont have an sti.

No, I didn't cheat. This particular STI can be transmitted by something as simple as touching hands with an infected party. It explicitly says in the leaflet that just because someone is infected with this STI doesn't mean they have been unfaithful. I think that more people should be informed of this to prevent them from jumping to conclusions and effectively ruining their relationships.

FilthyMickey

systematicscrewup wrote: »

No, I didn't cheat. This particular STI can be transmitted by something as simple as touching hands with an infected party. It explicitly says in the leaflet that just because someone is infected with this STI doesn't mean they have been unfaithful. I think that more people should be informed of this to prevent them from jumping to conclusions and effectively ruining their relationships.

Maybe he will calm down and see it from your point of view in time. Just tell him you are sorry and you hope he gets better soon.
Could you tell me the name of this infection please?
Hope it works out for you both.

S23

Mixed signals here a bit OP.

The thread title says you 'accused' him. You then go on to say in the body of the text you 'confronted him in an aggressive and asinine manner'.

Then a little further in the post you talk about it being a 'legitimate question'.

Now let me say it is 100% a legitimate question. However I rather get the feeling that you didn't exactly pose it as such. Accusations, confrontation and aggression aren't things that go hand in hand with 'legitimate questions'.

When you say he was upfront with you about it and informed you right away, that he has a squeaky clean track record and that you read information that meant you knew prior to meeting him he could easily have contracte the infection (which I can only think is scabies) by hand to hand contact then you definitely shouldn't have flown off the handle.

Just a quick note, I've no idea why you won't mention what the infection is but if it is scabies (and honestly I can't think of another non STI type STI if you get me) then it's not a 'real' STI as it would be contracted far more by general contact than actual sexual intercourse.

If you flew off the handle and accused him of cheating and became aggressive when a) he's never given you reason to doubt him b) he was completely upfront about the whole thing c) the infection isn't exactly gonorrhea or syphillis and d) he'd just been hit with some bad news about his health and might have expected support from his GF then I can see why he wouldn't want to speak to you right away.

Give him time to calm down then get back in touch and explain why you flipped (why did you flip by the way?) and see if you can talk it out. As outrageous as this might sound to some people an apology might be in order because (and most of this is predicated on the notion that it is scabies) there is little or no evidence to point to infidelity and in fact a lot more evidence to point to total transparency.

It's hard to really make a good judgement without knowing what the STI is though

Tuesday_Girl

If he has such a squeaky clean record then why was he having an STI check?

Seriously, even if you've been extremely careful with protection and have no real cause for concern you do ultimately go for such a check to find out if you have a STI and in this case he had, an understandable (albeit rash) conclusion for you to come to on hearing that was that he had been unfaithful.

Now that you have more information and realise that may not be case hopefully ye can have a mature discussion about it, he should not be too shocked however at your initial reaction and should not be suspending contact as a result.

kjl

systematicscrewup wrote: »

No, I didn't cheat. This particular STI can be transmitted by something as simple as touching hands with an infected party. It explicitly says in the leaflet that just because someone is infected with this STI doesn't mean they have been unfaithful. I think that more people should be informed of this to prevent them from jumping to conclusions and effectively ruining their relationships.

A likely excuse.

OP, this is a very understandable mistake and in this case I reckon it's a case of "me thinks the lady doest protest too much". If you said you are sorry, and he is still hassling you about this, I reckon he might have a guilty conscience. Not saying this is the case, but there is evidence after all.

LegacyUser

S23 wrote: »

Mixed signals here a bit OP.

The thread title says you 'accused' him. You then go on to say in the body of the text you 'confronted him in an aggressive and asinine manner'.

Then a little further in the post you talk about it being a 'legitimate question'.

Now let me say it is 100% a legitimate question. However I rather get the feeling that you didn't exactly pose it as such. Accusations, confrontation and aggression aren't things that go hand in hand with 'legitimate questions'.

When you say he was upfront with you about it and informed you right away, that he has a squeaky clean track record and that you read information that meant you knew prior to meeting him he could easily have contracte the infection (which I can only think is scabies) by hand to hand contact then you definitely shouldn't have flown off the handle.

Just a quick note, I've no idea why you won't mention what the infection is but if it is scabies (and honestly I can't think of another non STI type STI if you get me) then it's not a 'real' STI as it would be contracted far more by general contact than actual sexual intercourse.

If you flew off the handle and accused him of cheating and became aggressive when a) he's never given you reason to doubt him b) he was completely upfront about the whole thing c) the infection isn't exactly gonorrhea or syphillis and d) he'd just been hit with some bad news about his health and might have expected support from his GF then I can see why he wouldn't want to speak to you right away.

Give him time to calm down then get back in touch and explain why you flipped (why did you flip by the way?) and see if you can talk it out. As outrageous as this might sound to some people an apology might be in order because (and most of this is predicated on the notion that it is scabies) there is little or no evidence to point to infidelity and in fact a lot more evidence to point to total transparency.

It's hard to really make a good judgement without knowing what the STI is though

Sorry but as I explained in my original post I didn't know prior to meeting that the infection could be passed through hand contact- the literature I read said it was sexually transmitted. I did apologize, immediately! If I had met him that morning I would probably have done the right thing- comfort him and be a good girlfriend- but I stewed on it and talked to friends. Future Advice: Never discuss anything with your friends!!!

You're very right about the discrepancy between question and accusation. I noticed that after I post but couldn't change it. It was also more or less a quote from a friend. I didn't really "fly off the handle" so to speak but it was a definite accusation. I said one pathetic, cruel and petty sentence and was immediately rebuffed(as I should have been).

It isn't scabies. It's something else which I'd prefer not to disclose in case this thread, anonymous as it is, could be traced back to him. There aren't too many girlfriends out there able to maintain this whiny self-defeated tone for an entire four posts.

Please you seem to have a similar mind set to my boyfriend. Would you eventually be able to see where I was coming from? That I was being more irrational than the square root of two?

Nody

Razzle wrote: »

If he has such a squeaky clean record then why was he having an STI check?

Work related (visa, certain areas for food handling etc.), sees something wrong on his gentials/feel pain etc. There are quite a few reasons why you'd do a STI even in a relationship.

All of this is assuming that they both had a STI test right before/after they got together as well (which we don't know) and either/both could have something carried over for a while.

dub_3

OP can you name the STI (you're anonymous on here anyway)

It might help us to help you with the plausability of him catching it innocently.
Also to help others who find themselves in the same position in the future.

And as Razzle asked, why did he go for an STI check?
I'm presuming he was showing some symptoms which prompted him to go to the Doc, but please clarify.

The clearer you tell the story, the more likely we are able to help you,
as S23 says you're sending 'mixed signals'

Fittle

dub_3 wrote: »

OP can you name the STI (you're anonymous on here anyway)

It might help us to help you with the plausability of him catching it innocently.
Also to help others who find themselves in the same position in the future.

And as Razzle asked, why did he go for an STI check?
I'm presuming he was showing some symptoms which prompted him to go to the Doc, but please clarify.

The clearer you tell the story, the more likely we are able to help you,
as S23 says you're sending 'mixed signals'

That was also my question OP. I have never heard of an STI transmitted via shaking somebody's hand? Yes, I know thrush is a common example of something that can be transmitted sexually, but there are many other ways to get thrush (from an antibiotic for example, or from your child - ask any mother:rolleyes:), and if was was something like this, then yes, it's completely believable that he didn't get it sexually.

So perhaps you could name the sti and we would then have a clearer picture of your issue?

LegacyUser

Hi! OP here. I submitted a reply earlier but it never seemed to surface. Basically I don't want to name the STI because it's his private information and I wouldn't post it without his permission. Permission is pretty difficult to secure when the person won't talk to you.

Thanks for all the replies but I think the best thing I can do is just work on my own self confidence. Hopefully I can get to a stage where my brain will accept that I do not deserve to be cheated on and thus will not suspect innocent people of infidelity. Hopefully he'll still be around to help me do that. I love him very much.

Finally, I'd just like to point out that my boyfriend didn't cheat. It was on the pamphlet. I'd appreciate it if a mod could lock the thread. It was wrong of me to discuss this issue in public. I need to accept whatever decision he makes and be strong for once...

Silverfish

Thread closed at OP's request.

I hope it works out for you OP.