Just found out about my past...im lost

LegacyUser

Im a man in my late 30s and very recently found out that I spent the first 6 months of my life in a magdalene laundry. My mother was unmarried at the time and had to work there, and I would have been in the 'nursery' with many other newborns. My mother saw me three times in 6 months.

I have had alot of issues in my life around alcohol and depression. Myself and my mother never had a good relationship and while I knew I was 'away' when i was born, I had no idea at the lack of contact I had with her, or where I was. I am divorced and have never been good in relationships. I don't have any children.

Im at a point in my life that since I found this information out, I feel completely lost. I don't know what to do with these feelings. Sometimes I think it explains everything about my lack of closeness with my mother, and my lack of understanding about women in general. Other times I am very sad and can't help thinking I had no nurturing as a new baby, which would also explain my fears of intimacy.

Where would I go to research how I was possibly treated in the laundry? I got my records from there which is how I am able to tell how many times my mother visited me. My mother is quite elderly now and really not up to talking about this stuff, but I'd like to finally fix myself, if that makes sense, and feel I need to start at the begining.

Thank you for reading my thread and any input would be welcomed.

Pebbles68

Do you really feel you will benefit by learning all the details about what happened. I think most people reading your post will have huge sympathy for you, and your mother. But I don't understand what is to be gained by opening up more painful experiences. Do you have a chance to build a stronger bond with your mother? Get counselling to help with your intimacy and trust issues. You are in your late 30's you still have a chance to build a positive future. Concentrating on the past will only make the pain grow. I'm not saying ignore it but you certainly strike me has having a very strong understanding of the cause of your emotional problems. Use that as the basis for healing and moving forward.

Sorry if this isn't what you are hoping to hear. It's just that I've seen a therapist and it was only when I started to look at the life I wanted to build and release the painful past that I actually started to see success.

LegacyUser

Thank you pebbles.

It's not that I want to focus on my past. I have always had a feeling of being alone - not matter how many people have been in a room with me - always. I find hugging very difficult (even with my ex wife, it never felt normal), and physical closeness scares me terribly. Even today, we have someon in the office leaving for a new job and I am trying to plan my escape route at 5pm, so I don't have to hug her (as all others will be doing).

I would like to know if I had much physical contact for the first 6 months of my life - I doubt I had, but if I could figure out a bit more the way babies like me were treated in these places, I might be more accepting of why I am, the way I am. Surely there are support groups or similar around? I have done some research already, but it is hard to find people like me. Most babies there were given up for adoption - I was brought home after 6 months.

so while I agree that you're right, that I shouldn't focus on the past - this information is all quite new to me, and before the 'healing' begins, I would like to explore it a bit more.

Like I said, it explains alot to me about why I am the way I am. My mother is too old and not a very 'open' woman - there is no chance that we could become closer . She is who she is - she probably has so many barriers built up around her, that at her age it would be impossible to knock them down. An aunt of mine told me about this - she thought I already knew. I haven't even really discussed it with my mother, and I won't be. It appears she found herself homeless, although she wasn't a young girl, and was 'taken in' by the laundry - to give her a roof over her head. But they then decided that she coudln't see me for a long period and were planning on adopting me out. I'm not sure how my mother got me 'back'. This country has alot to answer for.

Peanut2011

OP, my post might sound a bit disingenuous and in no way am I looking to be any of that. I do have a lot of sympathy for people who have had hard lives as i've had my fair share of problems too.


As stated, your time in that institution was for the first 6 months of your life. I do not know of anyone who remembers anything about their first 6 months.

Secondly, you say you have always had bad relationships. Furthermore you say you and your mum have never had a good relationship either. Do you see the connection??

I'd say your troubles are between you and your mother. Not saying she is to blame, I'm simply saying that the issues are with the life she has had. You also say she is no way fit to have conversations about that at this stage, well why don't you simply leave that alone. Digging at it will not help you. Also, consider your mother and how she would react if her past was brought up again.

You should consider counselling to deal with your emotional and intimacy issues as that is what is causing you problems and simply forget about something you never knew about in the first place.

Also, it would sound to me that you are more determined to find out about that place for a chance of monetary compensation rather than to help yourself, even though you did not mention that.

Once again, don't get me wrong, people that were abused (in any way) deserve their compensation, what ever way they feel it will help them and if your mother was mistreated he fully deserves to be compensated, however it would seem that she has put that part of her life behind her and bringing any of it now would only do her harm.

If I am way off the mark I do apologise and I did not intend to offend you in any way.

LegacyUser

'Also, it would sound to me that you are more determined to find out about that place for a chance of monetary compensation rather than to help yourself, even though you did not mention that.'

You are completely off the mark and I'm quite insulted that you would suggest that. I know there is no monetary compensation available to me! I have read what we have all read about these places, and I know that the redress board is long closed, and even when it was open, people like me were not compensated.

I am not trying to make out that I was abused (sexually or physically) here at all, nor am I trying to look for compensation.

Of course I don't remember those first 6 months. But have you ever seen how much a child has developed by the age of 6 months? Look at the more recent situations of the romanian orphanages, and how those children, who lacked in physical contact from other human beings, went on to become mentally ill etc. Any website about parenting/nurturing etc will tell you that babies develop quite alot in the first 6 months, and without contact from others, they may not develop.

Like I said in the heading of this, I am lost, I don't know what to do with how I'm feeling. I had thought that perhaps trying to find out about how I was treated might be a start.

And I have let it rest with my mother. I already said i won't be talking to her about this.

Nevyn

It can be a shock to find out that the horrible things you have read/heard about were part of your life. I suggest you go and talk to your gp and get a referal to talk to someone about it and everything else. Wanting to make changes in your life when your not happy is a good thing and sometimes we have to go back and look at our lifes to figure out the why so we can change.

metrovelvet

I dont think there is any harm in trying to find out what happened to you though you might never find out.

Infancy is when intensive bonding happens for the baby with the mother and or the father [primary carer]. It would be of no surprise to me if this has affected how you bond/attach as an adult in adult relationships. The primary carer relationship is our blueprint for other relationships but it does not have to be a destiny.

Even without knowing your full past you can change patterns.

LegacyUser

'Wanting to make changes in your life when your not happy is a good thing and sometimes we have to go back and look at our lifes to figure out the why so we can change.'

thank you. that is what I am trying to do here - I feel like the lack of closeness to my mother has finally been explained to me - like it all makes sense now. How could we have been close when she never saw me for the first 6 months of my life? I must have been a stranger to her, and I imagine because times were quite different then, that rather than be delighted she had me back, she had probably already rejected the idea of having a child.

I also think I am still in shock. I did some work with an organisation around the time of the first of the murphy/ryan reports and was appalled at what I'd found out (i am a photographer). And now, I've discovered that I was part of the madness. In fact, I may have been in one of the photos' with hundreds of babies in the laundries for all I know. I feel like I've discovered that I'm not who I taught I was, although that doesn't relly make sense, sorry.

kerryman12

In our society to-day we are all very eager to tell others to seek professional help in one form or another, and to many this can be off putting in itself. But of course in many case this can be exactly what is need and we should not be afraid to ask for that help. You have one shot at this life we all need to make the best use of it that we can. You are still young, I hope with many happy healthy years ahead of you. It would be a shame to jeopardize this because you didnt ask for help that is readily available.

I would like to know if I had much physical contact for the first 6 months of my life - I doubt I had, but if I could figure out a bit more the way babies like me were treated in these places, I might be more accepting of why I am, the way I am. Surely there are support groups or similar around? I have done some research already, but it is hard to find people like me. Most babies there were given up for adoption - I was brought home after 6 months.

I would not really be a believer in ignoring your past, if I was in your shoes I think I would also want to find out about my past. All I will say to you is that unfortunately you are not the only person in this situation so there must be more information out there, be prepared for what you might find - maybe very little. I am not going to say move on and forget it, I know I couldnt - but if you are going to get on and live the rest of your life (which you owe it to yourself to do) then you will have to make some of peace with it. The fact that you were brought home after 6 months when so many were not should perhaps show to you that your mother would not allow the corrupted system of the time take her child away from her.

My mother is too old and not a very 'open' woman - there is no chance that we could become closer . She is who she is - she probably has so many barriers built up around her, that at her age it would be impossible to knock them down

a lot of people from that generation in my experiance would be like this, add into the mix her own experiance and it is understandable that she would not be very open on her past. But to say that you could not become closer may not be very fair. I dont expect her to open up to you on this subject at this stage, but maybe park this part of your life while you are with her and just get to know her a bit more.

Best of luck to you

LegacyUser

OP here.

I should probably have mentioned, that the story in our house growing up (Im the eldest) was that I was sick for a few months, and was in hospital when I was born. I think I had visions of being cared for in Temple St, with tons of visitors or something - actually, I hadn't really thought about it too deeply if I'm honest, but I certainly thought I was in a hospital for a while.

My records (a hand written index card) state that I was born at (for example) 1pm in a maternity hospital. I was 'admitted' to the laundry (without my mother) at 3pm that day. So TWO HOURS after I was born, I was put there. It beggars belief. And I was collected (by my aunt) just over 6 months later, with 3 x ten minute visits by my mother in that period. They have me a copy of the page on the 'signing-in/out' book, that's how the detail of her visits are so clear. I have to hand it to the HSE for getting my records to me within 14 days (I seldom say anything good about the HSE).

dub_3

You have come to a stage in your life where you realize that you have problems and are trying to deal with them and 'fix yourself'

You've also learned a bit about your past and that may be helpful in giving you an understanding of how you got to be the way you are today.

But now you need to look forward to try and resolve those issues.
Dwelling on the past won't help with that.

The only benefit I can see in looking at the past would be for closure.
Maybe it would help you understand that what happened wasn't your mothers fault. But if you already know that then just move on.

I know that in the early 2000s there were still some women living in the Magdalene Laundry on Sean McDermott St. Dublin. The laundry itself had long been closed, but they stayed there because they were the only family each other had, and they had nowhere else to go anyway. If I remember correctly it was due to be demolished and they were moving to some retirement home.

If you found these old ladies (if any are still alive) they might chat with you over a cup of tea and tell you something about their lives in the laundry when they were young.

I tell you this as you asked for help in researching about the laundries, but to be honest with you I think you should be looking to the future not the past.

LegacyUser

And if I could 'just move on' as you've suggested, I wouldn't have come on here asking for help. It's not as easy as you think - yes, I have no memory of those first few months of my life. But it was still ME!!

I'll look further into those ladies you mentioned who moved into the retirement home.

I feel by delving a little deeper, not dwelling on it or thinking about it constantly, will definitely help me.

beks101

Hi OP,

I think your reaction to this revelation is perfectly normal and furthermore I think the connection you have made between this and your lifelong struggle with intimacy may be justified.

However most of us are profoundly impacted and shaped by childhood experiences - most psychologists will tell us that our childhood sets the precedence for the rest of our lives, and the first three years are particularly crucial to our emotional development - but by its very nature those years remain inaccessible to the majority of us.

The question here is not how you go about obtaining specific details, deciphering how you were treated or mistreated, if you were given the adequate care and love that an infant needs. In truth, striving to find this out is probably going to cause more harm than good, to your elderly mother for one, who had no control over her circumstances at the time and has probably already lived her life tarnished by her experiences in there. A sense that I'm getting from your posts is that your approach to this and your need for information seems a bit clinical, as though the answer may neatly tie up the learned behaviours you have developed when it comes to intimacy without you having to take any real responsibility for them, when the fact is that this time period is one part of the bigger picture that has shaped who you are today.

But it's a good place to start and I think this information could be a turning point in your life. It may even be crucial in your desire to change and become more open, and I think you definitely want to change. I would strongly advise exploring this issue with a professional, who is better equipped to help you to address your past and explore the connection you have made than any of us here. This is exactly what psychologists and psychotherapists are trained to do and getting to the root of your issues, while you are armed with this new information, may be exactly what you need to fully understand yourself and take control of your life.

I wish you the best of luck.

dub_3

unregistered wrote: »

And if I could 'just move on' as you've suggested, I wouldn't have come on here asking for help. It's not as easy as you think - yes, I have no memory of those first few months of my life. But it was still ME!!

I'll look further into those ladies you mentioned who moved into the retirement home.

I feel by delving a little deeper, not dwelling on it or thinking about it constantly, will definitely help me.

Just did a quick google, It wasn't demolished, they may still be there.
This 2010 article thinks so anyway

http://drimnaghbirdwatch.wordpress.com/2010/03/07/feminist-walking-tour-dublin-2010/

p.s. apologies that 'move on' comment was a bit blunt, sorry didn't mean it to be. best of luck with your search

LegacyUser

Thank you beks, your post was very helpful and you are right in so many ways. I certainly feel - amidst the sadness (I've been looking at young babies alot lately - I'm sure their mothers think I'm insane!), and thinking of myself, and am so saddened about how I may have been treated at that same age. I know it has shaped me, but another poster is also right - it doesn't define me. I am not trying to use this new knowledge as an excuse about my behaviour or my fears - more to help me understand that there is a reason that I am the way I am. I often wondered if other people dread intimacy on many levels. Not in a sexual way - but I seldom held my ex-wifes hand, hugged her, or showed her any affection. I just couldn't. None of it felt natural to me. There were times when I was convinced there was something very seriously wrong with me.

It is incredible that you posted that link. That's exactly where I was.

Neyite

Unregistered, the Adoption forum here has a few people who may know a lot more about the laundry that you may have been in. Some posters there spent their pregnancies in one, or some children also.

I dont know if there is unregistered posting, but I'm pretty sure a mod there would post on your behalf if you didnt want to go by a username.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im 32 and i was born in a Magdalen home too, i know exactly what you are feeling, its a wonder, its visions of not knowing, and wondering what contact you have in your early days, its a sad feeling to know you come into the world that way i often felt lonely thinking of me always knowing i had to get on with it because no one was going to look after me. I have no father on my birth cert just a line through it, my mother came back and got me and i was raised in abuse both physical and sexual.

I have spent the last 10 years of my life healing and working on myself and i am out the other side it is totally possible to heal from such pains in the past and i can totally understand where you are coming from, i dont think people should judge you for wanting to know your truth and wanting your mother to be honest with you. Its not about blame but i found it is very important to honour your truth to move on, its not a time for your mothers needs its time for yours so of course you want to know what happened to you.

You will know yourself though how much you want to go with it i found that i didnt necessarily want to know the history as much as i needed acknowledgement and recognition as a person, when i got that i healed, your family are not the people to give it to you though cause they were never able to give it to themselves, like if your mother was a healthy functioning person she would have healed too from her past and she would understand your pain.

Its the sense of rejection then and feeling like a burden your mother may never have said it out loud but sounds like you have felt it all your life.

There is loads of answers like that in you now like if you saw a therapist they would ask you how you are feeling, deep inside, you might say, hurt, abandoned rejected a burden, sad, in pain, confused, which is evidence that you have been put through all this, so the evidence is already there you just need to connect with it and name it and mourn it, mourn what you should have had.

I have not one family member in my life, im female and fierce independent, i have learned to love myself and admire where i have got myself, i do not define me by my past anymore i look at it like a past life or something but i know i had to accept my painful hurtful state and allow myself to mourn, be angry, be upset for as long as it took, that was the hard bit cause everyone always has something to say when you need to express emotions and its usually criticized, so create a safe space to be you, get a therapist and get a safe space there and let you exist for once, then that space becomes your reality and you no longer live in your parents world!


You have just had the courage to face yourself and you want more for yourself, you need sensitivity and compassion here, and sometimes it can make you feel worse on this forum if you are in a raw state, the judgements just add to your self doubt, you deserve better, and ask for better now!!


I wish you a light and inner peace, it is totally possible to heal from this!!


love and light XX

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Like I said, it explains alot to me about why I am the way I am.

I would be careful thinking that. I am not saying that your early infancy experiences didn't have any impact but they may not be responsible for your issues today. Many, many people struggle with depression and alcoholism and have difficulty with relationships - people from all kinds of backgrounds and life experiences. Maybe one of the caregivers in the laundry did you give attention and nurturing, maybe your mother's heart was torn to pieces being away from you. I do understand your desire to know about your past. It could however be all kinds of experiences in your life that contributed to your current difficulties and pinning them on one early experience that you have little details on may set you up for further disappointment and pain / and or a 'reason' that explains your struggles and absolves you of seeking help to deal with them in a healthy way. I second or third the suggestion to get counselling.