My struggle with trust

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm going to try to keep this as short as I possibly can. I am a man in my mid twenties and I have everything that a man could hope for. I have a job, car and live with my beautiful girlfriend who I love to pieces.

Everything should be fine with me but I have been struggling with anxiety a lot within the past year or so. So much so that I think it could be affecting my health and hold me back from enjoying my relationship the way I should be enjoying it. I know that my girlfriend plays a slight part in some of my anxiety as from time to time she can get insecure herself, but we can both deal with that through talking to each other.

The problem with me, is that I am unable to fully trust people and it is now creeping into my relationship with my girlfriend. The reason for this mistrust has been as a result of kissing two girls and sleeping with one girl (Girl A) in the years previous to the relationship with my girlfriend. The thing that these girls all had in common was that they all had long term boyfriends and said that they were "happy" in their relationship. When I asked one of them why she did it, she said that the reason she persued me was because she was in a midlife crisis (she was turning 30 :rolleyes: ).

I ended with all of them and just got on with my life as a single person and when I met my girlfriend all of this was in the past for me. I hadn't got a worry in the world and just enjoyed life with her. About a year ago, I bumped into the girl (girl A) that I had slept with and my anxiety skyrocketed. I think it is due to the fact that the love for my girlfriend was growing and growing... It still is, but this anxiety is holding it back from being what it can be!

My girlfriend knows about these women and how I find it hard to trust people. I find it hard to even watch movies or programmes like the Hills (with her obviously ) such is my feelings for cheaters. It has stopped me from watching football with people like Rooney, Cole and Terry playing etc.

Since bumping into this girl A, I have looked at my best friends in a suspicious way when they are having good craic with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has also made friends with two guys in the place that she works in, she gets on really well with them and although they also have girlfriends I have this horrific fear that something will happen. The thing is, I do know that this trust issue is my problem, and nothing at all to do with her. I would never tell her what to do or who she should or shouldn't be friends with. Its her life and I want her to live it and what will be, will be and all that.

However, this fear is in me, and I'm worried that it always will be, and I'm worried that it might affect our relationship somewhere down the line. Whether it is because I can't get images out of my mind or fear of taking the next step. I need to get this anxiety out of me, it is pulling me down on days when I should be happy. It is taking the energy out of what I can give to people in my life.

Has anyone ever been in the same situation? Is there anything that can be done to repair my trust in people?

Many thanks!

Peanut2011

OP, I've come across people who were similar to you, me being one of them, where you find it hard to trust people, but in all these cases they were hurt by the other person.

You on the other hand, find it hard to trust cos of the things you did. You being the second man who people cheated with.

I guess you know that already and me pointing that out does not help you. However, the only way you can deal with that as it's your insecurity is by counselling.

Furthermore a lot of people will tell you if you keep thinking something will happen, you know what, eventually it will. Not cos you think your girlfriend will do something, but because your constant doubt and fear will drive her away. Cos you are afraid to let it go, you won't give her 100% and the more insecure you get the less you will give.

Eventually she will not be happy and leave.

I really hope you can start working on your problem sooner rather than later for both of your sakes.

Pebbles68

Peanut2011 wrote: »

OP, I've come across people who were similar to you, me being one of them, where you find it hard to trust people, but in all these cases they were hurt by the other person.

You on the other hand, find it hard to trust cos of the things you did. You being the second man who people cheated with.

I guess you know that already and me pointing that out does not help you. However, the only way you can deal with that as it's your insecurity is by counselling.

Furthermore a lot of people will tell you if you keep thinking something will happen, you know what, eventually it will. Not cos you think your girlfriend will do something, but because your constant doubt and fear will drive her away. Cos you are afraid to let it go, you won't give her 100% and the more insecure you get the less you will give.

Eventually she will not be happy and leave.

I really hope you can start working on your problem sooner rather than later for both of your sakes.

Couldn't agree more. I was that person but the background was different. Dad died when I was a baby and I grew up believing he had "left me". Even though I did have relationships I used sabbotage them before they guy got a chance to "leave me". I had this idea that that's what all men do. Did all sorts of stupid things to scare guys away. Eventually piled on the pounds just to keep men away. Seriously, Irish people have a strange attitude to counselling and therapy. Hey, if you need it, and it helps, just do it. I went to hypnotherapy myself(although some of the guys over on the psychology boards were quite dismissive about it ) but find the right person that you feel comfortable opening up with and I know it's a cliche but your life will change. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hey buddy,

The previous posters have it spot on, counseling is the only way to deal with this.

I'm 30 and I've had (my) serious trust issues destroy my last 2 relationships, the last with the only woman I've ever really loved, I've spent the last 10 months trying to sort myself out while trying to show this woman I've changed but the damage has been done ... You need to nip this in the bud and get to a counselor as soon as possible or you will lose your GF.

I've been seeing a counselor for the last 6 months and i'm beginning to see the improvements already.... the most important thing is dedication, you have to put everything you have into it. You won't be "cured" but the counselor will help you with the way you deal with particular situations, it's mostly about emotional control (well this is the way my counselor has approached it anyway).

Good luck mate, i hope you let your girlfriend know whats going on because it will make it a lot easier on you in the long run, honesty is the best policy.

Sibylla

Discuss your worries with your girlfriend. I have no doubt she will reassure you. You sound like you love her and I'm sure she loves you. You need to put the past aside and focus on your relationship. Many people have trust issues it's just a matter of finding a way to cope with them without allowing them to affect your life.

odubhmb

Dear imtryingmybest,

I've had some problems with realtionships in the past and with trust issues. I too developed some anxiety issues which just got worse and worse. Even though I knew that my fears were completely irrational it didn't help. I saw a therapist and although it sounds very simple, I learned to "feel my feelings" and basically confront things rather than ignoring my feelings and trying to rationalize my fear away. That was what I was doing before, although I don't think I could have articulated it then.

It was the best decision I ever made.

If you would like a recommendation for a therapist, you can send me a PM. It depends on your location though.