People to listen

RuthieC

Hi, I'm sorry if this post is too intense for this section, but I've been roaming around Boards.ie for ages trying to find the best place for it. And to be honest, I just need to write this... post it... and put it out there.

I'm not doing great. In November, and because of a number of things all happening at once, I got a very sharp shock to my system. I realized that seven years ago an event that happened in my life... one that I had subconsciously pushed as far back into my mind as I could... was rape. (Just seeing that word now has got me all emotional, sorry). It's as if my brain has finally said, 'ok, time to process this stuff' and now I feel like I'm drowning.

I called the Rape Crisis Centre to see if I could get help, and they have closed their waiting list (I think it may have been different if the attack had happened recently). I'm unemployed right now, so I can't afford counselling, but they recommended a number of places that offer free/low cost counselling. All of them put me on a waiting list... and so here I am, feeling like the walls are caving in and I can't seem to get any professional help.

It would be so great, if there was anyone on here who has some kind of experience of this kind of thing, to just help me know that I'm not crazy for going through this now... after so long.

As for the attack itself, the reason I think I repressed it was because it was a drug rape and by someone I worked very closely with. When I woke up the following morning, my lack of memory, my fuzzy head, my complete numbness, and the words that he was saying, made me think I'd done something stupid while drunk. But now, after all this time, I realize that whatever he did... that night changed me. And all the self-destructive behaviour I've demonstrated over the last seven years has been down to the sense of worthlessness that lives in me now, since that night.

I'm starting to get flashbacks of things I never realized happened. And honestly, they're heartbreaking. I spoke to my mother about this, and let's just say it was pointless. I feel like because of the kind of rape that it was, people/society see it less seriously. I guess I did myself until recently. But all I know is that I've finally realized what it did to me psychologically, and I'd really appreciate some help in pulling myself back together... whether its books, websites, stories.

Thanks for reading x

Monkey Allen

Sorry I cant help. Hope you find a good source of help on this.

What doesnt kill us makes us stronger.

midlandsmissus

RuthieC wrote: »

Hi, I'm sorry if this post is too intense for this section, but I've been roaming around Boards.ie for ages trying to find the best place for it. And to be honest, I just need to write this... post it... and put it out there.

I'm not doing great. In November, and because of a number of things all happening at once, I got a very sharp shock to my system. I realized that seven years ago an event that happened in my life... one that I had subconsciously pushed as far back into my mind as I could... was rape. (Just seeing that word now has got me all emotional, sorry). It's as if my brain has finally said, 'ok, time to process this stuff' and now I feel like I'm drowning.

I called the Rape Crisis Centre to see if I could get help, and they have closed their waiting list (I think it may have been different if the attack had happened recently). I'm unemployed right now, so I can't afford counselling, but they recommended a number of places that offer free/low cost counselling. All of them put me on a waiting list... and so here I am, feeling like the walls are caving in and I can't seem to get any professional help.

It would be so great, if there was anyone on here who has some kind of experience of this kind of thing, to just help me know that I'm not crazy for going through this now... after so long.

As for the attack itself, the reason I think I repressed it was because it was a drug rape and by someone I worked very closely with. When I woke up the following morning, my lack of memory, my fuzzy head, my complete numbness, and the words that he was saying, made me think I'd done something stupid while drunk. But now, after all this time, I realize that whatever he did... that night changed me. And all the self-destructive behaviour I've demonstrated over the last seven years has been down to the sense of worthlessness that lives in me now, since that night.

I'm starting to get flashbacks of things I never realized happened. And honestly, they're heartbreaking. I spoke to my mother about this, and let's just say it was pointless. I feel like because of the kind of rape that it was, people/society see it less seriously. I guess I did myself until recently. But all I know is that I've finally realized what it did to me psychologically, and I'd really appreciate some help in pulling myself back together... whether its books, websites, stories.

Thanks for reading x

Hi RuthieC, first of all sending you love x

You poor chicken.

You're definitely not crazy. I had an experience many years ago, and bottled it up for years. And then last year it came to a head.
I think it's postraumatic stress. You know you ignore what happened for so long because it's too painful to actually face the memories.
Then they surface years later. It's very painful now but it's a healing stage you're going through.
And it's definitely not less serious than any other kind of rape.

RuthieC

Thanks Monkey Allen for just taking the time to post. That was very kind of you. And midlandsmissus, I actually felt a sense of relief in my shoulders when I read your post.

prinz

RuthieC wrote: »

Hi, I'm sorry if this post is too intense for this section, but I've been roaming around Boards.ie for ages trying to find the best place for it. And to be honest, I just need to write this... post it... and put it out there.

First of all well done on speaking up and speaking out.

RuthieC wrote: »

I called the Rape Crisis Centre to see if I could get help, and they have closed their waiting list (I think it may have been different if the attack had happened recently). I'm unemployed right now, so I can't afford counselling, but they recommended a number of places that offer free/low cost counselling. All of them put me on a waiting list... and so here I am, feeling like the walls are caving in and I can't seem to get any professional help..

When you are feeling really down and need to speak to someone right away try the Samaritans perhaps? They might not be able to help with your exact situation but as an ear to listen/should to cry or lean on they an amazing resource.

RuthieC wrote: »

It would be so great, if there was anyone on here who has some kind of experience of this kind of thing, to just help me know that I'm not crazy for going through this now... after so long...

I haven't personally, but you're not. These things happen.

RuthieC wrote: »

As for the attack itself, the reason I think I repressed it was because it was a drug rape and by someone I worked very closely with. When I woke up the following morning, my lack of memory, my fuzzy head, my complete numbness, and the words that he was saying, made me think I'd done something stupid while drunk. But now, after all this time, I realize that whatever he did... that night changed me. And all the self-destructive behaviour I've demonstrated over the last seven years has been down to the sense of worthlessness that lives in me now, since that night....

You really need to go through this with a professional, and it might take a long, long time.

RuthieC wrote: »

I'm starting to get flashbacks of things I never realized happened. And honestly, they're heartbreaking.

I would be very careful about who you share this information with for now. It really needs to be dealt with by a trained professional. I don't mean to belittle your post in any way but there are times when the mind plays tricks on all of us.

SparkyTech

Hi RuthieC

Im so sorry to learn of what happened to you. I admire your courage in speaking up and seeking help. Hope you eventually find the professional support you need to get through this. Can't offer any other words except im in solidarity with you.

Take care of yourself x

Nevyn

As per the rules of this forum.

It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you. This is done for two reasons:

To protect those from trolls and other possible unsavory people posting on the internet when they may be in a vulnerable state. Threads on PI/RI are monitored by the mods so that bad and dangerous advice is not permitted and deemed unhelpful.

To protect posters from trolls and unsavory people posting on the internet who pose as a person needing help and advice and so that posters do not end up locked in to a pm exchange with someone they can not help.

RuthieC if the waiting list for help at the Rape crises centre are close then I suggest you go back to them and ask for a referal to a support group for surviours there are several in each city. Also if your not working you shold be entitled to a medical card which would cover counselling so please go see you gp.

Rape is rape be it stranger rape or date rape or the betrayal of someone you know and care about. Writing about it can also be helpful and it changes you in ways you never expect and impacts on you in ways you never imagined but one day it won't be so bad and it will fade and with it's no longer having a big negative impact on you then you are a survivor, it doesn't go away but you learn to live with it.

RuthieC

Again, thank you all. I appreciate all your advice. I know professional advice is the best thing for me right now, and I have been to my GP too... waiting list. I know it'll all work itself out, through prof help (when I eventually get it) it's just nice to hear your words. I've felt so very lonely in this whole revelation. I've been careful about who I've spoken to about it, and the response has been initial sympathy, but no follow up. I'm a big girl now... so I'm not expecting to lean on anyone, but I think it hurts more that there are certain people (my mother included) who know what I'm going through and haven't mentioned it once to me since. I know some might not know what to say etc, but I just feel very alone. So thank you for taking the time to post. It means a lot x

prinz

RuthieC wrote: »

I'm a big girl now... so I'm not expecting to lean on anyone..

We all need somebody to lean on sometimes. Big and small.

RuthieC wrote: »

but I think it hurts more that there are certain people (my mother included) who know what I'm going through and haven't mentioned it once to me since. I know some might not know what to say etc, but I just feel
very alone...

Give it time. I know when I first was faced with a similar revelation in the past it took a long time to process and to find the words or the moment to bring it up with the person involved. I felt like even mentioning it would just upset the person further so I was in a sort of 'pretend I never heard that mode' for a while. Your mother and others could be going through the same thing...and far from ignoring the issue it was actually eating me up inside although I didn't say anything. I thought me mentioning it would just bring back painful memories and open old wounds for her, so I bit my tongue and thought I was doing her a favour by not mentioning it.

I know now, realised when I finally did, that she just wanted to talk about it and just share the burden and I felt like an ass that I wasn't there for her sooner. Just what could be happening with your mother and others..

elbee

Ruthie, you've taken the first step towards recovery and that's really great. Now that you've uncovered what's behind it, even though it's incredibly painful, at least the self-destructive behaviour is now something you can see, and hopefullyrecognising what it is will help.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you and I hope you're OK. I hope you do manage to get help soon, I would suggest asking your GP as they may be aware of resources that we wouldn't know about!

It is terrible that some people still regard some forms of rape as being less serious than others. Rest assured there's also a lot of people who don't.

I really do wish you all the best. I don't have a lot to add but wanted to comment so you knew someone else was thinking of you and crossing their fingers for you.

thebigleap

Ruthie, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what you're going through. I hope you get all the support you need and, remember, you're stronger than you know.

I wish you all the best.

MIRMIR82

Ruthie,

Your story is a very sad one, but its better to face it now than letting it fester away. All i can say is give your mum a chance - i've been in a similar situation-my sister was raped- and it took me a while to 'get' that i would have to help her deal with it and not just bury my head in the sand. Im very sorry now that it took me a while to be there for her.
Anyway best of luck with everything- this time next year you should be well on the way to recovery:)

MIRMIR

RuthieC

This is the part of the online world that I love. Getting your perspective (prinz and MIRMIR82) means that I can understand what's going on in their heads. Thank you so much for that, it was a big relief to read that. It's always hard to see it from another angle when you're immersed in it yourself.

And all your kind words are so comforting. There are a lot of good people in the world... I think I'd like to focus on that then think about how many aren't. So guys thanks for reminding me x