emotional abuse?

LegacyUser

going anon here.
just not sure if parts of my relationship would be considered emotionally abuse so any opinions would be welcome. it doesn't get physically violent but an argument would end with them shouting at me or if i was argumentative back be told 'shut up or i'll punch you in the face', another time 'they hated me', 'stop nagging all the time', or at times be told 'behave like a woman', i'd generally never shout back but have learned to stand my corner. if they didnt get there way, they are sulky withdrawn, then leading to another argument, i tend to avoid arguments now in case it sets them off. opinions would be appreciated as unsure if this type of behavior would be considered verbally or emotionally abusive.

Drodan

Stuff like "or I'll punch you in the face" aint on alright. Though would be nice to know what type of relationship this is and how serious the arguments are tbh. A OH or group of friends? Cause it does change things dramatically.

If it's a bf and he's going mental, then yeah he's trying to be controlling.

If it's a group of mates they may, stressing the "may" part, just be messing and trying to do the whole chauvinistic humour thing, like the "behave like a woman" bit, if they say like "go make me a sandwich" then they're taking the piss. If it annoys you, tell them.

seenitall

Yes, OP. If you are being threatened with physical violence during arguments, you are on the receiving end of emotional abuse. Likewise if you are being put down with an obvious goal to humiliate you and bring your femininity into question ("behave like a woman").

In a relationship like that, your self-esteem is likely to end up suffering, which will put a kind of a vicious circle into effect. It sounds pretty bad to me, sorry.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

i its based on the bf, i now try to avoid any argument as getting tired of the shouting, it doesnt happen on a weekly basis but every now and again, just wanted peoples opinions if this was a form of emotional abuse, wasnt sure, he kicked off at me infront of all my mates in the pub which has happened a couple of times, hugged a male friend the wrong way so he got pissed off, totally ignored me and then when i tried to talk to him got shouted at n the pub very embarrassing. i dont know, wasnt sure if its a form of emotional abuse or hes just a bad temper

northern lights

sunflower27 wrote: »

Honey, in my book that is emotional abuse... threats of violence, shouting at you, degrading you in front of your friends.

I'm sorry, but I dont know why you would put up with this. What sort of a life is it when you cant even say what you feel like in case he goes off on one.

Where is the love and respect?

+1
Couldn't agree more with the above post. As sunflower said 'where is the love and respect?'
Sorry hon but there is none there
Having been in a previous relationship which unfortunately involved both physical and emotional abuse, I can honestly say that it's the emotional abuse that ultimately left the most scars. Over time I lost my self-esteem, my confidence, and my own sense of self-worth. It happened so gradually that I almost wasn't aware it was happening, if that makes sense...
You're thanfully aware that something isn't right here. Please trust, and have faith, in your gut instincts and get out now.
You are worth so so much more than to be treated like this and please, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise...
Wishing you all the best x

Kelda09

unsure? wrote: »

i its based on the bf, i now try to avoid any argument as getting tired of the shouting, it doesnt happen on a weekly basis but every now and again, just wanted peoples opinions if this was a form of emotional abuse, wasnt sure, he kicked off at me infront of all my mates in the pub which has happened a couple of times, hugged a male friend the wrong way so he got pissed off, totally ignored me and then when i tried to talk to him got shouted at n the pub very embarrassing. i dont know, wasnt sure if its a form of emotional abuse or hes just a bad temper

Hi OP, That is definitely emotional abuse in my opinion. Your bf is trying to put you down, keep you from voicing your opinions, and it's working (you try to avoid arguments as your getting tired of the shouting) He is demeaning and belittling you in front of your friends and basicaly trying to make himself feel like (and be in) control. Think of it this way, soon you just wont bother disagreeing with him at all, just to save hassle, how would you feel then?

Having been in an emotionaly abusive relationship I can honestly say it is extremely destructive and leaves you just as scared as many physically abusive relationships although this is not recognised by a lot of people. Get out OP, you are worth far, far more than this man is willing or capable of giving you. Find someone who respects you and who you can be yourself with and have your own opinions and ideas without being belittled and put down.

LegacyUser

hi all, thanks for the messages, i have been trying to process whats been happening, i do love him deeply but its making me unhappy, we both 30+ so at this stage of life i dont want to be talked to like that anymore, its never turned violent but its the words that hurt and grind you down over time, even avoiding situations where my friends might be with him and i suspect it may get worse and more harsh with time. i guess when i look back over the relationship 3+ years its always been like this but i have overlooked it as it was love.

when its good its good but when its bad, it can be bad. really going to try and figure out whats best for me. thank you all. will keep you posted here.

Peanut2011

OP, I don't mean to go against the general replies here as I do agree with good few points they have made, however your story does not add up.

You said:

them shouting at me or if i was argumentative back be told 'shut up or i'll punch you in the face', another time 'they hated me',

Who are them / they?? So it's more than one person??

Also, you said

he kicked off at me infront of all my mates in the pub which has happened a couple of times, hugged a male friend the wrong way so he got pissed off

How do you hug someone the wrong way??

I think we all need to take the step back and see the full story. Shouting abuse (what ever kind) is sometimes just done too easily as people tend to listen more. I would not say it's abuse but a complete lack of respect for you.

Also, how long are you two together? What age group you fall in? Are there kids involved? Why are you still together if that is the way he behaves? ...... There are so may things we don't know here and quite hard to judge impartially.

LegacyUser

Peanut2011 wrote: »

OP, I don't mean to go against the general replies here as I do agree with good few points they have made, however your story does not add up.
You said:
Who are them / they?? So it's more than one person??
How do you hug someone the wrong way??
I think we all need to take the step back and see the full story. Shouting abuse (what ever kind) is sometimes just done too easily as people tend to listen more. I would not say it's abuse but a complete lack of respect for you.
Also, how long are you two together? What age group you fall in? Are there kids involved? Why are you still together if that is the way he behaves?

sorry to clarify, as above, based on bf, 30+, three years together, no kids... i dunno why im still here, feeling numb about the entire thing and not sure whats the right thing to do, dont want to hurt him but i have tried talking it out and telling him its not on, but it keeps happening, drink of course is usually involved in the whole shouting thing. think i need to make a decision for me

Peanut2011

Peanut2011 wrote: »

Who are them / they?? So it's more than one person??
.

"They" can be used (albeit confusingly) as gender neutral, I would not put that into the "doesn't add up" category.
OP I am glad you are thinking twice about this, the danger with these types of cases is that it can be so gradual that you don't realise how low your self esteem and self worth is getting.
If it cannot be resolved with him don't be afraid or hesitant to leave if you need to.

Peanut2011

bluewolf wrote: »

"They" can be used (albeit confusingly) as gender neutral, I would not put that into the "doesn't add up" category.

Just to clarify, this was directed in case there were kids involved and they were disrespecting OP in the same way as the partner.

OP, I think you know the answer to your question but as someone stuck in that relationship I can understand looking for validation or agreement with your own view.

To be blatantly blunt, I see no love or respect there! Even after you addressed the issues with him, it did no good.

Get out of that environment as soon as you can, for your own sake.

curlzy

unsure? wrote: »

think i need to make a decision for me

Yeah OP, you really really do. You need to decide; a) you're not putting up with this abuse anymore and b) what you're going to do about it. It is abuse OP, there's no way my OH would ever do any of the things you've just described, in fact he's only ever shouted at me twice in the last 4 years and he apologised immediately for shouting. Verbal abuse can cut much deeper than physical abuse and you are in danger of losing your self-esteem, confidence, assertiveness and friends. Please take the time to realise that you don't deserve any of what you describe and you deserve to be threated with love and respect. Please listen to the inner voice that got you to post here, deep down you know it's not ok. You were looking for other people's opinions and you have a clear picture that the vast majority views this as emotional abuse. If you want to stay with him then get him to give up the drink and go to councelling together. If he won't agree to that just walk. Don't wait until it gets worse and you're really ground down to nothing. Also no matter what you decide to do you can come back here, we won't judge you no matter what you decide and it may help to keep talking.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

hi OP,

have a look at womens aid.ie, and if you feel up to it give their helpline a call,
it's open 10am to 10pm and is free, the number is 1800 341 900.
the women who answer the phones are non judgemental and will never tell you what to do, but they are very experienced in listening to stories such as these, and being able to talk about your situation can be enormously helpful, and then, if you feel like it, they will also have information for you about any questions you might have, like about any legal issues such as safety orders etc., or refuges where you can go to get some space and feel safe.

best of luck xxx

miec

i suspect it may get worse and more harsh with time.

Hi Op, I believe you are right, it will get worse. I went through similar, also avoided arguements but couldn't control that either as that too was unpredictable. You said when it is good it is lovely, I had that experience, it is just pure relief really, because you are out of the doghouse, and the relief of being in his good books heightens the emotions between you, it is hard to leave to leave someone you love but it is also hard to be treated like a doormat and dehumanised in this manner. You need to decide which option to take.

up for anything

unsure? wrote: »

i dunno why im still here, feeling numb about the entire thing

From my own experience after hurt and numbness comes distancing and disassociation for protection. In order not to be hurt you could find yourself separating mentally from him. You probably already have. It's the only way to survive. After a few years of training yourself to do that he could say anything in front of anyone or when you're alone together and it will feel like water off a duck's back. Either get him to deal with his problem and at the same time you deal with yours (avoidance of confrontation/anything for a quiet lifeism) or finish it now. Why waste time on something that makes you unhappy? Love, unfortunately, does not conquer all.

Put it this way... would you allow a work colleague to treat and speak to you like that. I very much doubt it. So why do you allow the person that is supposed to love you to do it? How can you love someone who treats you that way? It very definitely is emotional abuse and one of the worst aspects emotional abuse is that it is insidious and by the time you realise what is going on your self-esteem has taken a battering and you very nearly agree your abuser's opinion of yourself. Another consequence is that you entrench yourself in the habit of making excuses for the abuser, so much so that you end up doing a good job of demolishing what little self-esteem you have left

Emotional Abuse

Look after yourself.