Whats a shallow guy to do?

Brendog

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year. I love everything about her.

Shes funny, adventurous, kind, gorgeous....

but recently shes put on alot of weight. I don't wanna come across as an asshole or anything but its becoming a problem. I'm starting to find myself less attracted to her.
I keep in shape and she loves my body. She used to have a body like a swim wear model.
I can't say it to her because she used to have weight issues when she was younger and I'm afraid of upsetting her.

What should I do?

LegacyUser

how much weight we talking about?
can you say what dress size she was when you started going out and what size now?

Kimia

Yes exactly, what size is she now? I'd have no sympathy for you if she's just put on a few pounds but if she's like 3 stone heavier I would see where you're coming from. It's a difficult situation.

iceman777

Does she recognise (and stated) that she feels she has put on weight herself.
In relationships, it's often the "normality" of life that causes people to put on weight by eating crap food in front of the TV.

I am very active and in decent shape, but my girlfriend isn't as active sports wise. However, she is active in clubs etc. and that keeps her trim so to speak.

However, what we do, is go swimming, take a walk or go for a hike (in better weather) together as this gives us the urge to stay fit, stay toned and also spend some quality time.

This may help you in getting her out and to stay in shape if you support her.
Please be aware that she must recognise her weight before you try to do this.

LegacyUser

Get to the root of the problem. Is she an emotional eater- is something troubling/upsetting her? Or has she just gained some "comfort" weight through being relaxed& happy?
I'd, in a VERY subtle manner, begin to do lots of activity-based things with her, for fun/a change. Eg: take up training for a marathon, for charity, or to travel to a city like London or New York for the annual marathons there. Say it's your New Years Resolution to set yourself a major challenge (do NOT mention weight!), you'd love if she could support you& spend time together at the same time.

LegacyUser

"I'd, in a VERY subtle manner, begin to do lots of activity-based things with her, for fun/a change. "


Love that idea. Surfing is great fun, not expensive and easy to find in Ireland and she'll have so much fun she won't even realise how much energy she's used till the next day and she'll be wrecked. If she likes it she'll want to tone up quickly herself, I'm sure. And its really addictive. If she does get addicted there's loads of holidays that do surfing and yoga retreats, it'll drop off her pronto!

anything else, like absailing / horseriding / pilates that requires her to lift her bodyweight will probably motivate her too. You'll probably both have great fun along the way too.

(If it is around a stone or less that she's gained though, then the issue is yours, not hers.)

John400

OP, you state that you love everything about your girlfriend.

Shouldn't you love her the way that she is?

I don't want to get morbid here but a good friend of mine loved his girlfriend with as much gusto as you claim to, she had put on weight-but he still loved her with every fibre of his being. She passed on in a car accident. Puts things in perspective.

HavingCrack

John400 wrote: »

OP, you state that you love everything about your girlfriend.

Shouldn't you love her the way that she is?

The OP has pointed out that he loves her but he isn't as phsically attracted to her as he once was, I don't really see a problem with it. he'd prefer her to lose a little weight and if he can do this by encouraging a healthier lifestyle I don't see much wrong/

LegacyUser

Brendog wrote: »

I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year. I love everything about her.

Shes funny, adventurous, kind, gorgeous....

but recently shes put on alot of weight. I don't wanna come across as an asshole or anything but its becoming a problem. I'm starting to find myself less attracted to her.
I keep in shape and she loves my body. She used to have a body like a swim wear model.
I can't say it to her because she used to have weight issues when she was younger and I'm afraid of upsetting her.

What should I do?

Looks like she's slap bang in the comfort zone. For some reason, some women seem to see being comfortable in a relationship as meaning that it is their god given right to sit on the coach as much as possible and hit the chocolate and cakes like they are going out of fashion....and if their bf has a problem with that he is a bastard and doesn't love them. That is the reply you can be sure to get if you bring this up...

Anyway as someone who has been through this experience with an ex-gf who put on what I reckon to be close to 3 stone, and she was 5 foot nothing so it was ALOT of weight, I would not stand for it again. If a girl prefers to stuff her face rather than look after her appearance I will say good luck to her. I too couldnt bring it up with my ex until I had lost all attraction for her and by that stage it was too late for her to break the bad habits. If someone lets themselves go big time and gets used to eating loads of chocolate and general crap it can be extremely hard for them to break the habit.

And I am man of my word - I could see my current gf had starting piling on the pounds since she hit the comfort zone a few months ago when we moved in. Particularly after xmas, I noticed she had really started to let herself go. I knew it was time to nip this in the bud as if I let it go I could well see her slowly but surely packing on a few stone as my ex did and as I have seen many women do in this situation. Well I told her straight out I dont want a repeat of what happened with my last gf, that I am not attracted to women who put on 3 stone of fat, and I prefer women to look after their appearance rather than stuffing themselves full of junk. She wasn't overly pleased to hear it but she has now mended her ways and I no longer have to worry about her ending up being obese a year down the line.

sporina

if she had weight issues in the past, she more than likely is aware of the fact that she has gained weight.
So based on what we know - i can only guess the norm here - and that would be - she is not naturally slim, got in shape when single, now that she has you and is maybe comfortable is gave less time to keeping trim.

I sympathise with you - and no, you are not shallow for this - you cannot help it - physical attraction is mage important - and if she has changed since you met her, which is not that long ago - then this can happen.

i would try suggesting the activities - but she does have to acknowledge that issue herself if she wants to change.

John400

HavingCrack wrote: »

The OP has pointed out that he loves her but he isn't as phsically attracted to her as he once was, I don't really see a problem with it. he'd prefer her to lose a little weight and if he can do this by encouraging a healthier lifestyle I don't see much wrong/

I read the same post as you did.

You're missing my point somewhat, the OP has stated that he's less attracted to her which probably would eventually lead to breaking up with her.

If he genuinely loves her as he's alluding to wouldn't he still love her the way she is/and/or happens to be?

The OP has stated it himself, he's shallow.

Package

i think think not being happy that your girlfriend is putting on weight is shallow. i think its a fair point, nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand dude.

if a girl has a hot body but then starts to put on weight i think its a bit sad, its also a bit silly that people say, you should love her no matter what way she is.

if your not attracted to weight then your not,, and there is nothing you can do about it. at the end of the day, how can you change the way you are and be interested in a girl thats over weight when thats not what you like?

Wagon

If a girlfriend told me that she was losing attraction because i was getting fat, id join a gym the next day and go on a diet to fix it. I'd hate to lose someone like that. I'm a bloke by the way.

So, maybe hint at it? A good idea is to suggest exercise together

John400 wrote: »

I read the same post as you did.

You're missing my point somewhat, the OP has stated that he's less attracted to her which probably would eventually lead to breaking up with her.

If he genuinely loves her as he's alluding to wouldn't he still love her the way she is/and/or happens to be?

The OP has stated it himself, he's shallow.

No, thats bollocks. If he was shallow, he wouldn't even be asking to see how the problem can be solved. Just because someone sits on their hole and gets fat and just expects their partner to accept it, it's actually a little insulting.

Distorted

I think most people would feel the same concerns if their partner put on a lot of weight. It would be like going out with a different person! I don't see why the OP shouldn't mention it tactfully, neither do I see that he is under and duty to love this girl regardless of how she looks. Its only a year long relationship; its not as if they are growing old together and beginning to naturally look a bit rough round the edges.

Some women lose weight when single to attract another boyfriend; some people's weight isn't stable but they go from strict diet to overeating. Maybe a word from the OP to his girfriend will be enough to kickstart her motivation, because thats really where the motivation for keeping in shape has to come from - her.

Package

Wagon wrote: »

Just because someone sits on their hole and gets fat and just expects their partner to accept it, it's actually a little insulting.

well said. i have a friend, actually let me tell this quick story

i saw my friend in omni one day and she was holding hands with her fella, no this girl had a baby a few months back but has done nothing to lose the weight she gained and has not tried to lose the belly.

now

she stopped to look at the sweet stand and he fella made a bit of a joke and pulled her away by the hand. later, i sent her a message saying, i saw you ate the sweet stand earlier, i love them sweeets. she replied saying that yeah her fella wouldnt let her get any cause she is eating too much junk.

a few days later i was talking on facebook about fitness and going to the gym and how much i loved it and that everyone should do it too, and she replied and said,, i sound like her fella tryin to get people to go to the gym.

again, a couple of days later i asked was she going for a jog, and she said, jesus no im too lazy. i asked did she not want to get in shape again instead of sitting around eating and being lazy, she laughed and again said, you sound like my fella. she went on to say this,, which really left me gobsmacked

"sure i have a fella now, i dont have to get in shape, i can just get fat, my boyfriend loves me the way i am"

I wondered to myself, bettween her fella pulling her away from the sweet tand saying she is eating too much crap, and trying to get her to go to the gym, how in the sweet name of mr motivator did she NOT get the hint and think it was ok to be fat because she has a fella and he loves her.

BoardsMember

Really interesting thread.

I told my wife the other day she had a tumtum and she was not at all impressed. I told her I still loved her and fancied her, which I do. I'd just prefer if she got back into the shape se was in, or at least showed some effort to try to do it.

Package

your right to do so.

if someone said to me, id like it if you were like this, or like that, i would do it. i would hit the gym hard and get the way i knew they wanted me.

after all, you can look at yourself all day and begin to accept yourself the way you are, but if you are in a relationship and the other person doesnt like or is not attracted to you then thats pretty selfish in my books

Caliden

Wagon wrote: »

No, thats bollocks. If he was shallow, he wouldn't even be asking to see how the problem can be solved. Just because someone sits on their hole and gets fat and just expects their partner to accept it, it's actually a little insulting.

Have to agree with this.
It would give the impression that you're not worth the effort to lose the weight.

If a girlfriend was ever to suggest that I was putting on weight, I wouldnt be offended in the slightest and would thank them for thier honesty.
I don't see why some women get so offended when its said to them in private, I could understand if it was said publicly as it would be embarrassing.

OP, suggest jogging/swimming to your girlfriend or even something like hot yoga (it gets easier after the first few sessions, honest!)

MsHolloway

I don't think you're shallow, op!

Sure, when you really settle down with someone into a real long term commitment, you can expect their appearance to change somewhat over the years - middle age spread, baldness etc

But you've only been going out a year! And you can't help it if the weight she gained makes you less attracted to her.

The gentle gentle approach I think would be best here, especially if she had weight issues in the past. Personally I'd take full advantage of it being January, tell her you'd love if the two of you could go to the gym, lots of new fitness classes have started at this time of year too. Have a look around and see if there is something you can do together that would be fun!

I know the weather isn't great but suggest more walks in parks or countryside. Myself and my bf do it and its really nice. We chat away and before we know it we've walked quite a distance. If either of you are into photography at all, its a great excuse to go walking for good pictures!

discus

Package wrote: »

"sure i have a fella now, i dont have to get in shape, i can just get fat, my boyfriend loves me the way i am"

I wondered to myself, bettween her fella pulling her away from the sweet tand saying she is eating too much crap, and trying to get her to go to the gym, how in the sweet name of mr motivator did she NOT get the hint and think it was ok to be fat because she has a fella and he loves her.

We must know the same couple(s), I don't live too far from the Omni myself!

I know a fair few girls who have let themselves go once they get a boyfriend. It's noted that one in particular will let herself go the minute she gets into a relationship, but can somehow drop a few stone over a few months once she is single. Conversely, I make out that my male friends tend to get into better shape when in a relationship.

I don't think OP is shallow btw. He's trying to keep his spark alive!

Ickle Magoo

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Ickle

curlzy

Eh hello!!! This thread is so sexist!!! It's not just women that let themselves go, men do too. My bf is 6'4", he was 14 stone of pure muscle when I met him, he's since put on 4 stone, but you know what I love him exactly the same amount and I'm still hugely attracted to him, I myself am 8 & 1/2 stone and never move more than a pound or two.

I would really wonder if you love her as much as you say you do. If it matters that much to you, just be very very careful about approaching this, eating disorders are for life, just because you can't see it doesn't mean it can't flare up with a vengence. Maybe just invite her out as others have said to do sports and activities.

Best of luck.

Taltos

OP & Curlyz - weight gain should not be treated to lightly. 18st is a serious weight even for someone over 6 ft.

I work with a grand chap who is of a similar height and who has recently been diagnosed with diabetes. He too was around 18 st. He is doing all he can now to manage his condition but he will not be a diabetic for the rest of his life. And that is only one condition that obese folk are prone to.

OP - if your partner is of a weight that is unhealthy and she is not exercising - then can I suggest the following
> for a few weeks why don't you organize dinner, lunches etc - smaller portions, healthy food.
> add some gentle exercise into the mix - go for walks, runs, cycles in the parks etc burn off those calories
> remember small steps - limit treats to weekends or smaller portions - instead of 3 biscuits with tea - have just 1... (not an excuse to have more tea mind...)

I am not sure I would call her on it though. If asked - just say that you are not feeling happy about yourself and you need her help and support for you to be as healthy as you can be. Hopefully she will follow suit. Hints, name dropping etc - they don't work, all they do is make a fragile ego brittle or broken.

Be careful - but above all else be healthy.

BoardsMember

curlzy wrote: »

Eh hello!!! This thread is so sexist!!! It's not just women that let themselves go, men do too. My bf is 6'4", he was 14 stone of pure muscle when I met him, he's since put on 4 stone, but you know what I love him exactly the same amount and I'm still hugely attracted to him, I myself am 8 & 1/2 stone and never move more than a pound or two.

I would really wonder if you love her as much as you say you do. If it matters that much to you, just be very very careful about approaching this, eating disorders are for life, just because you can't see it doesn't mean it can't flare up with a vengence. Maybe just invite her out as others have said to do sports and activities.

Best of luck.

How is it sexist? It just happens that the majority of posters are guys posting with issues they are facing. I dont see anyone suggesting that this should not work in reverse, that would be sexist.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter.

Many thanks.
Ickle

Package

curlzy wrote: »

Eh hello!!! This thread is so sexist!!!

Best of luck.

typical,

remind ya that the OP is a man and he is talking about a woman. you want a thread the other way around? start a thread.

OP, simple as this. you have to tell her that she is becoming something different than what you have fallen for.

Ickle Magoo

Curlzy & Package infracted for off-topic and unhelpful posting & back-seat modding.

All,

Keep replies helpful and on-topic - be aware that doesn't mean carrying on a petty argument with other posters and shoving a token sentence to the OP in at the end.

Butterflylove

I have no problem been honest and saying yeah I sure have put on weight since getting with Himself

You go out with the girls drinking and partying (hard) to a settle relationship of a few drinks in the pub going to the cinema takeaway night ins etc the weight creeps up on you, big time I was 9st when I met himself and went to 11st in just two years!!

I was angry with myself for letting it happen but I found it really hard to make the time to work out, I hate (seriously with a passion) the gym and what made it worse is that he likes to work out so I was the only one to put on the weight.

I tried really hard with eating well but when someone is sitting beside you eating a takeaway its very hard. I took up walking every evening, sometimes himself would come along, but it takes alot you need to be very strict with yourself. I didnt lose anything but notice slimmer hips etc so felt a bit disheartened and it isnt going to change dramaticly over night.

Ask her how she feels about her weight, maybe suggest cutting out certain things and trying to work out together even something like walking is better then sitting on the sofa.

BoardsMember

Good advice from Butterflylove, and others - it's a very sensitive area so tread carefully.

You might also need to take more into account the fact that most people do put on weight when they get older. So maybe a total gym addict girl is your more perfect partner, at least you know they are into body fitness and shape etc. You are as you are, difficult to change, so if you keep going for people who just happen to have good figures with little effort out in, the majority of these will put on pounds when they settle down.

SheRa

Huge +1 to taltos's advice. Over the last year or two I put on a good bit of weight. Now I hadn't felt comfortable in myself in ages and was starting and stopping with diets and exercise. My OH didnt say a word to me about it but if he did it would have just upset me and I really doubt that it would motivated me to do something about it, but instead just made me more body conscious.

Now in the last few months for his own reasons he's gone on a major health kick and that was what motivated me to do something about my own weight and fitness. I feel better now than I do in years, am half way through the couch to 5k running programme, and instead of focusing on exercise to lose weight, Im exercising to get stronger and fitter.

Saying it to her directly will probably backfire on you, but making changes in your own life and asking her to go for a walk etc with you will be far more beneficial.

mood

OP maybe if she went on the pill after you meet it could be the reason for the weight gain. Other medication can also affect weight. Or maybe she was not eating enough before she meet you. Maybe this is the real her when eating normally etc. How is her diet and exercise now compared to when you meet?

Loopie

Hi OP,

I'm posting this as I was the girl who gained weight in a relationship - about 3 stone. And from being someone who was fit and liked to look after herself - I looked like sh8t. But, I'd a lot on at the time so getting rid of it just wasn't my priority.

However, my boyfriend at the time made a particularly hurtful comment at a very vulnerable time and it just crushed me, and took me a long time to get past it.

Does she seem unhappy about the weight gain? Has she brought it up with you? It's such a touchy subject, but if handled well could be great for you both, her self esteem (if that's an issue) and your future together. Maybe try and play it in a way that you're trying to get into a healthy regime, ask for her help. If you sit down with her and say, no matter how gently you say it, that you've noticed she's gained weight, it will hurt her a lot. And it may make her question, after she has lost the weight, whether you fancy her still she may feel very insecure. Which may then cause other issues in your relationship.

Do you see the relationship going somewhere? If down the line you were to have children, she will gain weight there...

Bottom line is she has to do this for herself, not for you, and if it's not bothering her, you may do morre damage to her than help. If it is an issue, and she wants to do something about it, why don't you sponsor her? Get her to set her goal, and when she gets to it, you treat her...

I don't know if this is of any help to you but from someone who has been on her side, tread carefully. Hope this works out for you.

L

Stu

What is wrong with being honest and upfront with your other half. It's called "Communication" and not to mention the health issues that weight gain cause. Theres a saying, "if you want to know what your girlfriend is going to look like down the line, have a look at her mother" and you won't go far wrong.

But seriously, piling on the weight in the first year or 2 of a relationship is bang out of order regardless of whether your male or female. It's a lack of respect for yourself and your partner to gain a lot of weight as soon as your in the comfort zone.

Why do so many women get the hump when told they've put on weight. If i was told the same i'd be happy that my partner put me wide that my weight was getting out of hand and hit the gym instead of throwing a tantrum and getting the girls around for a Haagen daz Ice cream party.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Subtle hints won't work. Either tell her or put up with it.

Danniboo

OP,

It all depends really. Why has she put on weight, meds, hormones, laziness? Are we talking about a few pounds or stone? Is she going through a hard time? My ex was the opposite I used to ask him to support me and eat healthy exercise with me etc and he wouldn't bother his arse, I know I can eat what I like and just because he eats crap etc etc. Also i've a friend who drives me bananas just recently I said to her " I have to get back out walking i've put on a good a bit of weight", to which I got a reply "It's alright for you though, you have a boyfriend" This drives me insane what ever happened to doing it for yourself, looking for health etc. On the other hand I would never lose weight just because a fella told me too, but chances are if I had gained some i'd know myself and want to lose it anyways. It's a hard one to call OP, you could be a shallow SOB but we dont really know that. Only you can call it I think OP. Best of luck anyways whatever you decide.

LegacyUser

I was in the same position as the OP. I grew a pair and said it to my girlfriend. She used to be a model but out on a bit of a pouch. I did it subtle like, bought her a treadmill, started going kayaking, hiking etc, eventually she returned to normal.

However its now gone to the other extreme, we are both very active, i exercise 6-7 times a week, play rugby and hike a lot, so I used to eat what I like. I used to love nights in wolong **** food down while looking at a movie, she has turned off all that now and wont eat any bad stuff. I feel like a pig doing it now.