Having a Girlfriend and Neglecting Your Social Circle Or Not

um7y1h83ge06nx

I was thinking about this yesterday evening, thought it might make an interesting discussion.

For some of us (well my friends and I at least), when a guy has a girlfriend, either through design or accident their social circle of friends take a hit as more time is being devoted to the new woman in their life.

Does this happen to you guys or do you notice it happening a lot to your friends?

My take. I was seeing a girl for four years and we broke up back last April. During that time I admit I did neglect my social circle of friends a little, it was just the way things happened, not deliberate.

In the past 5 months or so I have been seeing a new girl. Everything is brilliant but this time I'm a lot more conscious of setting time aside for myself and for friends etc.

I guess I reckon that girlfriends may come and go potentially but it's always important to keep a core group of friends. You learn through experience I guess.

Then of course you have guys that take the opposite track. I know one or two guys who will focus absolutely on work during the week (as their girlfriend works elsewhere), and then spend their weekend with the GF.

So lads (and ladies), what's your take?

Dolph Starbeam

From my last relationship i had it balanced pretty evenly, i'd normally only see my mates at the weekend because of work or college anyways so when i started dating her thankfully both of us were pretty similar. We would see each other a bit during the week and then on a Saturday or Sunday night we'd normally go out with both of our own friends and just meet in the pub later or in the club. I don't think i could be with a girl who just wants all of the attention, obviously your socialising with yours friends will take a bit of a hit though.

I do have friends who when with a girl or a fella you will not see them in the pub for months, i find that way ott. Then on the other hand i have friends who are in relationships and you would not know it as they continue to socialise with there mates as they always have done.

ToxicPaddy

I agree 100% that you need to keep in touch with your mates and if they are true friends they will need to realise that you will also need to spend time with your new gf as relationships take time and effort if you want them to continue..

A lot of guys and girls get completely wrapped up in relationships and forget and subsequently lose friends as a result..

Sanjuro

When I was twenty, I started dating a girl, fell in love and basically spent every waking hour with her. And naturally, I totally neglected my circle of friends. Only ever saw them at parties or going to gigs and what have you. The relationship with the girl ended and I found myself quite alone. It took me quite a while to get back 'in' with my friends.

It was a mistake I made at the time, and one I have not repeated since. Sure, there's a honeymoon period when you start going out with someone. You want to be in each others' pockets and to hell with everyone else in the world! But you have to make time for your friends. It takes effort. But as the relationship eases into a natural pattern, you will find yourself at a lose end. And if the relationship ends... It's just better for everyone if you make the effort to see your friends in this time. Because, although it happens to everyone, you still look like a bit of a dick if you come crawling back to your friends when things go wrong with the opposite sex.

woolymammoth

recall reading this a while ago, some scientific facts to backup the theory!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2010/sep/15/price-love-close-friends-relationship

Even though i've always made time for my mates, I'm guilty of it myself on occassion. I'm a big believer in men having nights out with the boys, and women having nights out with the girls.

RedXIV

Its fairly simple logic.

Pre girlfriend you spend X time with Y friends = X/Y
New gf means more people to share the same time with so it becomes X/Y+1

logically, of course your social circle will be affected.

As said above though, I made the same mistake when I was younger and only one friend stood by me as I ditched the lot constantly. never make that mistake again. Guys need guy time

um7y1h83ge06nx

From reading here and from my own experience it seems to be something that changes as you get older. Life is a great learner.

Certainly from my point of view, I feel a lot more confident and mature in this relationship in comparison to the previous one. I can see the bigger picture and feel far more confident in my ability to attract women, and so feel less pressure on myself to "please" a girlfriend.

One of my brother's friends (23) has a brutally needy girlfriend. She has forced him to almost completely cut ties with his friends. Whipped is an understatement!

Otis Driftwood

I dont like the term neglect as it implies something bad.

I dont care who you are,if you meet someone that you click with you will end spending more time with them and less than with your circle of friends,its just how things go.Everyone changes when they get into a relationship.

The key IMO is to strike a balance.

In the past Ive always made time for my friends.I would have at least 2 or 3 nights a month that we would go for drinks,go to the footy or whatever.Friday night was usually my "lads" night,the rest of the weekend and midweek would be couple time.

No point in not hanging out with your mates for a partner but conversely no point in being the same person you were when single.

jokettle

My boyfriend got given out to by one of his friends recently for not devoting more of his time to me. According to this guy, once you have a girlfriend you should focus all your attention on her and see your friends only at special occasions (birthdays, gigs etc).

This guy, imo, is an idiot.

When we first got together he would include me in social activities with his friends; going to the pub after work being a primary example, and I returned the gesture. Of course we make an effort to have alone time, but if his/my friends have asked one or both of us to meet up then that takes equal priority! In fact, today he informed me that he's planning another lads' holiday for later this year. Not a problem at all, especially since he and I are probably going away together at some point too.

I suppose I'm trying to say that of course there are women out there who will demand far too much attention. But there are also men who, for whatever reason, believe that this kind of thing is expected or even necessary to maintain a relationship. Takes all sorts.

uch

One of my mates always says "Women come and Go, but mates are forever"

homerun_homer

When I was going out with someone for over a year I didn't neglect my friends or become a recluse to them because of my relationship. I've seen too many friends go that way and be kept under thumb and always knew I'd take a hard stance to putting up with that kind of BS.

I'd always try and cover all bases in seeing GF and friends and not be inconsiderate to her while at it. Some couples get extremely tight knit and don't want to let anyone in when they start a relationship. It's not cool to ignore friends and crawl back when things take a turn.

Kimono-Girl

My partner and i are together 2 and a half years, if anything he see's the lads more nowadays then he did before he met me,

he did introduce me to them and we all got on like a house on fire,but even though we are all now good friends, they still have their guys only nights at least monthly, and the lads would also call around to ours and hang out for while....


its really important to keep in touch with your friends regardless of relationship status imo...

GodlessM

It's pretty normal. When I first got with my GF (nearly 5yrs ago now) at first there was no problem as we were still young (17 at the time) and so were still into the whole hanging out in a huge group of friends thing. But as time went on and I went to college I spent less time with them in order to spend more time with her. Of course then when they got into relationships they did the same thing so it was all good. Nobody takes it personally usually because it is just life.

krudler

Balance is key, time apart with a friend/gf is as important as time together imo. If you think you can be in a relationship thats worthwhile and drop everything to do what you like with your friends whenever you like you're gonna wind up single fairly sharpish.

joinUs2

I think ye both need your freedom to live your lifes but still make time for each other. But it ain't always that easy. Here it is I started going out with a guy 3 years ago he worked as a bouncer so that was how i meet him. We went through a long honey moon stage and i stopped going out because I didn't want to but now 3 years later I would only love to go out to socialize(no interest in meeting other men) he doesn't drink or enjoy socializing, he thinks going out is only for single people that want to perv. also he does not aprove off me going out one bit. I am a very attractive lady also and he say's he be jealous if i was out. yet he refuses to come out with me, I'm just so confused as to how to get around him. we're still young people and feel we're letting our lives slip away by holding back from things. have u guys any advice from a males point of view thanks

Connie_c28

joinUs2 wrote: »

I think ye both need your freedom to live your lifes but still make time for each other. But it ain't always that easy. Here it is I started going out with a guy 3 years ago he worked as a bouncer so that was how i meet him. We went through a long honey moon stage and i stopped going out because I didn't want to but now 3 years later I would only love to go out to socialize(no interest in meeting other men) he doesn't drink or enjoy socializing, he thinks going out is only for single people that want to perv. also he does not aprove off me going out one bit. I am a very attractive lady also and he say's he be jealous if i was out. yet he refuses to come out with me, I'm just so confused as to how to get around him. we're still young people and feel we're letting our lives slip away by holding back from things. have u guys any advice from a males point of view thanks

I felt your pain a few years back I was with a boy and the same he wanted to be with me all the time. When we got together first he was in the army and used to have to go away Mon-Fri or sometimes on tours for a few months which suited me as I trained and had matched most nights during the week and then on a Sunday afternoon.
Then when he left he would drop me to work pick me up to go home, if I wanted to stay in or meet a girl friend or even just have an early night he started getting all jealous texting and ringing to see if I was were I was.
Worse was if I said why don't you go watch the match with the lads he thought I was trying to get rid of him to meet 'my bit on the side'.
Luckily because I was playing team sports and basically put my foot down regarding see my gf on the planned nights I kept and had my friends when we split but could have been different....

HavingCrack

It's all a balance really. Clearly you won't be spending all your time with your friends as before but neither do you need to cut all ties and be with your girlfriend 24-7.

One of my former friends got a girlfriend and pretty much cut all of his mates of out his life, refusing to answer calls, ignoring texts and e mails, not coming to birthday parties etc. He even started hanging around with her circle of friends when she was busy rather than us . Anyway, eventually they broke up and he started ringing everyone to see what was happening and none of us wanted to know him. I see him around now and again and he doesn't seem to have any friends that I can see. Sad story but the motto is 'I never want to end up like that' :pac:.

p1akuw47h5r3it

Lucca Nice Logo wrote: »

I was thinking about this yesterday evening, thought it might make an interesting discussion.

For some of us (well my friends and I at least), when a guy has a girlfriend, either through design or accident their social circle of friends take a hit as more time is being devoted to the new woman in their life.

Does this happen to you guys or do you notice it happening a lot to your friends?

My take. I was seeing a girl for four years and we broke up back last April. During that time I admit I did neglect my social circle of friends a little, it was just the way things happened, not deliberate.

In the past 5 months or so I have been seeing a new girl. Everything is brilliant but this time I'm a lot more conscious of setting time aside for myself and for friends etc.

I guess I reckon that girlfriends may come and go potentially but it's always important to keep a core group of friends. You learn through experience I guess.

Then of course you have guys that take the opposite track. I know one or two guys who will focus absolutely on work during the week (as their girlfriend works elsewhere), and then spend their weekend with the GF.

So lads (and ladies), what's your take?

One of my mates is going out with his gf and we never saw him, and wen we did he was always with her. It's gotten to the stage now where we never invite him out and we are all basically not good mates with him anymore, just someone we mite see around from time to time.

My only other friend with a gf is sort of the same. He never goes out with us, preferring to stay in with her (as she is 17 and we are all 18). The only time he goes out with us is when she has id and is going. It's sortof strange as I am now becoming better friends with his sister (whose 17 but has a fake id ) as we have the some friends in common.

I guess the older you are the more "acceptable" it is to spend more time with your gf then your other friends. I think at my age if you constantly dont go out with your friends simply because your gf isn't going is a bit much.

joinUs2

thanks very much for your reply, its hard when you love someone but they don't let u be urself and i partly take the blame as i should of put my foot down myself in the begining.

Raedwald

Have had the same situation with a number of friends. They all became heavily involved with their girlfriends and never really came out at all even on lads night out. They all came back in the end to the group after they split with their partners and were told sharpish how we all regarded the situation and are hopefully now wiser.

Speaking for myself i'm currently going out with a girl from college so would see her monday to friday and the lads the weekend although at the moment wouldn't be seeing the lads too often due to college and work commitments.

jobless

i have a couple of friends who are the same. Once they hooked we never saw them again. We are still in touch but rarely they will come out for drinks or any other social occasions. I actually find it quite sad they are this way....they are both married now and you'd think they would like to let rip once in a while but no they're stuck in watching x factor on a saturday night.. pathetic!.
I'm in a long term relationship myself but would regularly meet the boys at the weekend and to be honest i would go mad if i didnt.

So to the OP, dont lose contact with the boys... they are the ones that will still be around at the end of it all but only if you put in the effort with them!

chrisxii

never ever neglect your friends, true friends i mean not just the lads from the pub, everybody has a handful of friends who have their back no matter what, these are priceless, a relationship with a girl will either work or it wont living in each others pockets is a no no ......

Acacia

A girl's perspective but I've been thinking about this issue a good bit lately...

uch wrote: »

One of my mates always says "Women come and Go, but mates are forever"

That is a nice sentiment... but it is really true of all the women ( or partners) you will date in your life? What about the woman you end up marrying/ being with for the rest of your life, for example?

I think the idea behind this "mates are forever" line is usually well-intentioned but I've seen it often trotted out by ''friends'' who for whatever reason need to guilt a person into not spending time with their boyfriend/girlfriend because their mate needs them to be living the same lifestyle they did when they were single, so they can continue to be their wingman/ shoulder to cry on...

I've been on both sides of the fence. I've complained about girlfriends who never socialise without their fella or seem to take on their partner's mannerisms/opinions (lose their own personality) and basically never had time for their friends at all. It is annoying.

But on the other hand, life changes, and people change. Many things will come into your life and you can't stop them just to please or placate your friends out of some sense of loyalty ( like "bros before hos" or "mates are forever"). This doesn't just apply to partners, but jobs, children, ambitions, etc, etc. I think a true friend will understand how important these changes are and let you get on with it. Some time should be made for friends, no doubt about it ( both me and my bf try to make time for just our friends), but I really feel if you're getting grief from friends because you're not out every weekend like you used to be or following the exact same schedule as you did when you were single, it shows more immaturity and insecurity from their side than anything.

Up-n-atom!

I'd agree with most of the posters here, a balance is best! It's not right to cut out your friends, but you should definitely make sure to spend time with the girlfriend/boyfriend. Both should be secure enough to let the other go on nights out seperately, persue their own interests etc but they should also be able to go out together and with a mixture of his/her friends and their partners. I'm pretty independent and would hate to have someone smother me - it's healthier to be able to keep and socialise your own friends, and surely it gives you some things to talk about as well as everything else?

There's a notorious flake of a girl in my group of friends, everyone's always bitching about how she goes awol when she gets a man, no one ever hears from her until there's a problem and she comes crawling back searching for her old supports and social life. I wouldn't have much time for a serial offender like that. :mad:

I am aware that this kind of thing can happen so we actually make the point of ensuring it does not. Myself and the two girls I live with make a point of taking time to ourselves and in fact giving time to each other.

There are for example days when I would make myself scarce so they can have friends over for “girls night in” which involves all the usual weepy films, sitting around scantily clad, and tucking into tubs of ice cream that we stereotype them for.

Whether being scarce involves leaving the house or locking oneself into the computer room with all the munchies you need to hole up in there for the night without coming out… we always make sure we do it.

Usually when a big sporting event is on… such as international rugby which they have not much interest in… the girls will either go out while all the lads come over and hit the beers…. or will make themselves scarce.

We also ensure that we spend as much time together in each others circle of friends when going out as we do allowing each other to be in our circle of friends without each other there.

All in all I think we find the balance works and it allows us to do things alone, as couples, or sometimes all three of us together as a "truple" and ensures every aspect of our relationship is given due time.

seanmc1980

my fiance has to be the best partner. she like myself is all about balance but the thing is unlike most people here talking about "making time" we do it naturally.
its just how we are. i hang and do things with friends as much as i do with her.
we do things together and do our own thing all the time, its great we never fight about it and our attitude is "we'll be together the rest of our life why live in each others pockets while we're young!"

Cartman78

The process of meeting a new partner & spending time with them will also help sort out your real friends from your drinking buddies.

I remember when i started dating my wife, one of my 'friends' started acting really weird. He couldn't seem to accept that I was moving on in my life and because of that, the all day drinking binges on a Saturday watching rugby/soccer, playing pool etc were a thing of the past (we were in our late 20's at the time). Anyway, it all came to a head one night and he bellowed out (in front of everyone) - "You're not the same when she's around":eek:

Was really disappointed in him to be honest, we met a couple of times after that but drifted apart & haven't seen him in about 4 yrs now.