Out of depth, looking for advice

Strawberry Moongoose

I've been going out with a girl for over two years now. I love hanging out with her and spending time together. We're great friends, we have a wonderful time together, and overall the experience has absolutely been a positive one. But there have been a few problems I can't ignore, and I can't figure out what to do. It's very difficult and has really been getting me down.

My girlfriend was repeatedly sexually abused by a trusted family friend when she was quite young. She had completely repressed the memory of it happening, but everything began to resurface for her shortly after we started going out. I'm the first long-term boyfriend she's had and the first person she had slept with, so it was the first time she had to confront the thoughts. Recalling all of this was very traumatic for her, and she had never told anyone before. I tried to be as supportive as I could, and encouraged her to talk to her parents and to try counselling. Eventually she worked up the courage to do so, and it seemed to help her a lot.

Unfortunately, she's found intimacy extremely difficult. At first it was easier for her. She really wanted to explore that part of our relationship because it was a way for her to "reclaim" a part of her life that was stolen from her. But gradually things became more and more difficult. About a month into our relationship, while she was trying out doing certain foreplay-related things to me, she told me that I said something that her abuser had also said when she was last in that situation. This made me feel horribly guilty and just awful about myself... I hated the idea that I could have followed the same train of thought as someone so horrible. I didn't want to be comparable to him, to such a despicable person. My feelings were conflicted between being very attracted to my girlfriend and wanting to please and be pleased by her, and becoming upset by the idea that my desires were something that distressed and hurt her.

It sullied everything, for me and for her, and she didn't want to go near me physically. She would try sometimes, but it was so difficult for her and neither of us would enjoy it. Luckily, she was still okay with me satisfying her needs, so we did get to express our intimacy that way and she would really enjoy it. So, it wasn't that much of a problem for about a year. Eventually she felt really guilty about not being able to do anything for me in return for how I made her feel, which led to her ignoring my advances entirely. We don't really have any kind of sex life at all now, and her sex drive has disappeared completely because it's so hard for her to face it. I try not to bring the topic up because it upsets her so much when I do. She tries so much, but it gets more and more difficult for her, and I really don't know what to do. We ignore it, and I try to cuddle her and cheer her up whenever it depresses her. But by her own admission this is a big problem for her, and for all her effort it seems to be getting worse. And I'm not helping.

I sometimes feel like she'd have an easier time with this if she were single for a while and had more time to think about herself. Maybe she associates me with it too much? She might find it easier to start again with someone new. Pretty much everything else in our relationship is great, and I think we could be much better off as friends... we practically are best friends as it is. I'm constantly struggling with the realisation that I should break up with her and the worry that doing so could damage her further.

I don't want to leave her because of this, I'm scared of how much it could hurt her. But I'm also scared of how it's affecting me... being constantly rejected by someone you're close to is so painful, and it's making me feel unattractive and unwanted. Even if only subconsciously, I'm starting to feel disgusted with myself for feeling sexually attracted to her, like it's something sordid and wrong. I know she doesn't mean to be so cold, it's not her fault. I've told her all of this and she's reassured me that she finds me attractive... but it's affecting me so subliminally, it's very hard to shake these feelings.

This is my first real relationship, and I'm afraid that I'll develop unhealthy attitudes towards intimacy if this continues. But I really, desperately don't want to hurt her either. If it's relevant, I've had unrelated problems with anxiety, depression and self-harm since before this relationship which I feel may have made it harder for me to deal with this, but I've been seeing a counsellor. I have no idea what I'm doing, I've been completely out of my depth for so long now. What can I do?

Monkey Allen

You didnt mention if she's still going to counselling? If not, she needs to go again. You might also need relationship counselling together but I dont know if these would work together.

Starting off with someone new might help her, but it might also be a matter of time before she's back in the same boat. If you both love each other, its worth working out.

Strawberry Moongoose

She's still seeing a counsellor, yes. She told me that in a way it makes it harder for her, because there's no escape from thinking about it.

She also had antidepressants prescribed for her about half a year ago, but she recently stopped taking them because they were making her feel more depressed. She's thinking of trying different medication instead.

So, this has been affecting her a lot, and much of what she's tried has been discouragingly unhelpful.

It's hard to know that you're the catalyst for remembering all of this stuff.

It could be worth working through this, but I feel like it's breaking our relationship and making us frustrated at each other. Things are so much easier when we're just hanging out together, not thinking about any of this and being platonic. I've been thinking that if I love her, maybe I should realise that she mostly needs a good friend.

teaspach

Hi OP... It's important not blame yourself for the situation. It sounds like you have been an excellent support for her, which I'm sure she really appreciates. There is not really much you can do except support her in any way that you can.

Be prepared. It could take several years to get the courage to talk about her issues, even if she is in counselling. Talk to her about her counselling. Unfortunately, for you, there may be no physical relationship until she has gone through all of her issues, faced her demons, and come out the other end. There is not much you can do about that part of your relationship. Just tell her that you understand. Be patient and gentle with her.

It will take extraordinary patience on your part, but if you really love her, then it might just be worth the wait. If she has the courage to get through it, the relationship will be all the richer for it. It sounds like you both are doing all the right things - talking about your problems and trying to deal with them. How long has she been doing counselling?

Strawberry Moongoose

She has been seeing a counsellor on a fortnightly basis since August. I do talk to her about it a bit, but not in depth... I didn't want to intrude too much on her privacy in the sessions. It might help to talk about it more, I'll try that.

I do love her, and I want to help her recover from this problem as much as I can. Not just for the sake of our relationship but for herself, too. She's a sweet, sociable, sunny-dispositioned sort of person, but she's been very depressed over the past two years. It's affecting most aspects of her life including how well she's doing at college and how often she feels like seeing her friends, and I'm certain it's centred around this. She really needs help getting over it, and it feels like I'm facilitating her rut rather than improving things.

We're both only 21, and it's my first experience with a proper, long-term relationship too. I wish I could just support her and not care about the physical part of our relationship, but it does matter a lot to me. I like the idea of being passionate about one another in every respect. And it feels like I'm missing out on a learning experience that could affect me in later relationships... which is a stupid, selfish kind of thought, but it's also the sort that keeps creeping back in whether I want it to or not. But how could you break up with somebody over this? Because she was horribly mistreated in a way that no child ever should, and wasn't "good enough" at coming to terms with it? Maybe that's what it would feel like from her perspective. Leaving her would probably set her back so much. Sometimes I feel so selfish and hate myself for considering it. It's a very messed up situation.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and kind words, teaspach, I really appreciate it.

teaspach

Strawberry Moongoose wrote: »

She has been seeing a counsellor on a fortnightly basis since August. I do talk to her about it a bit, but not in depth... I didn't want to intrude too much on her privacy in the sessions. It might help to talk about it more, I'll try that.

I do love her, and I want to help her recover from this problem as much as I can. Not just for the sake of our relationship but for herself, too. She's a sweet, sociable, sunny-dispositioned sort of person, but she's been very depressed over the past two years. It's affecting most aspects of her life including how well she's doing at college and how often she feels like seeing her friends, and I'm certain it's centred around this. She really needs help getting over it, and it feels like I'm facilitating her rut rather than improving things.

We're both only 21, and it's my first experience with a proper, long-term relationship too. I wish I could just support her and not care about the physical part of our relationship, but it does matter a lot to me. I like the idea of being passionate about one another in every respect. And it feels like I'm missing out on a learning experience that could affect me in later relationships... which is a stupid, selfish kind of thought, but it's also the sort that keeps creeping back in whether I want it to or not. But how could you break up with somebody over this? Because she was horribly mistreated in a way that no child ever should, and wasn't "good enough" at coming to terms with it? Maybe that's what it would feel like from her perspective. Leaving her would probably set her back so much. Sometimes I feel so selfish and hate myself for considering it. It's a very messed up situation.

Anyway, thanks for the advice and kind words, teaspach, I really appreciate it.

Hi OP, Ok, so you are still both very young. It is incredibly brave of her to be facing up to her issues at such a young age, when I'm sure the memory of it is still quite fresh and raw. Some people never have the courage to grapple with something as painful as this. They could spend their entire lives running away from it.

I do talk to her about it a bit, but not in depth... I didn't want to intrude too much on her privacy in the sessions. It might help to talk about it more, I'll try that.

You seem to be doing exactly the right thing here. Just a general, 'how's it going?', is all that's needed. Let her decide what she wants to discuss.

She has been seeing a counsellor on a fortnightly basis since August.

That's not very long. There is no rule as to how long someone could be in therapy. Some people go for the rest of their lives. It depends on the individual, and how much progress they make with their problems. Therapy is about building up a narrative, where you explore how to put words on your experiences. The more painful they are, the longer it takes. Some people never get there, and some people do. It's different for everyone. It's a deeply personal journey. She is entering a very difficult period, where she will have to face those issues again.

So, where does this leave you? For a start, don't worry about missing out. 21 is very, very young. You may have several relationships by the time you are 31, or you might still be together. It's ok have selfish thoughts, that's only natural. You do have to think of yourself in all of this too. There are two people in the relationship.

You may have to consider, that it might not be possible for her to be in a relationship - while she deals with this - and by that I mean a full physical relationship with all that entails. The part that's missing for you, is the very thing that she is trying to get help with. That makes things very difficult for both of you. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just means that both of you can't have a full relationship - for the moment anyway. Think about what you want from it. Talk to her about what she wants from it.

She may have had awful experiences, but it sounds like she has found a true gem of a man. You are doing exceptionally well. I can't believe someone as young as you, has such insight, and is dealing with this in such a thoughtful, and sensitive manner. Good on you! No matter the outcome, I think you will be friends for life...

Nevyn

It seems she is getting all the help and support that she can, but what about you?
You have concerns about the impact of the situation is having on you emotionally, mentally and sexually. Would you consider going to see a counsellor yourself?

Wompa1

Hey OP,

Was in a similar position as you only the g/f wasn't abused but had a different traumatic experience which weighed her down and drained her sex drive. I always considered myself a rare breed of guy that didn't have an overly high sex drive it wasn't until that relationship where it would go months on end between intimacy that I started to get the itch and notice it. It does make you feel pretty worthless alright.

There's no real advise in here...only you can decide if the lack of intimacy is more important than you relationship...

prinz

Strawberry Moongoose wrote: »

This is my first real relationship, and I'm afraid that I'll develop unhealthy attitudes towards intimacy if this continues.

This is your first real relationship and you are dealing with it better than people who have been in and out of them for years. This will stand to you in time OP. You have reasoned it out well in your post. Yes it is an issue for you but you need to stay strong and as was mentioned earlier perhaps you need to discuss it with someone.

You know what's healthy intimacy wise. Just keep your eye on that ball and it shouldn't have long term affects on your attitudes. Remember there is more to relationships than sex and intimacy, and you are dealing impressively with the other aspects of it, by being there for your gf, communicating, supporting, being a real friend to her first and foremost. A guy/girl could be having all the sex/intimacy in the world and not have an iota of a clue how to deal with deeper emotional and psychological problems like you have been exposed to and are dealing with. I'd hazard a guess there are far, far more of them in the world than care to admit it.

Strawberry Moongoose wrote: »

I have no idea what I'm doing, I've been completely out of my depth for so long now. What can I do?

Yes you do. You have both been dealing with it admirably so far. Best wishes.

Strawberry Moongoose

Thaedydal wrote: »

It seems she is getting all the help and support that she can, but what about you? You have concerns about the impact of the situation is having on you emotionally, mentally and sexually. Would you consider going to see a counsellor yourself?

I had been seeing a counsellor up until recently. It was a free service and they could only provide so many sessions to each person, so I had to stop going once I ran out. It was very useful for dealing with some other things that had been bothering me, but I never got around to discussing anything about my relationship... the other topics took up too much time, and I found it difficult to get started on the subject because of how awkward it is.

I probably should try to see a counsellor again, so I think that's what I'll do next.

Thanks for the suggestions, insight and encouragement, guys, you've been a great help and have given me a lot more to think about.

Wompa1

Strawberry Moongoose wrote: »

I had been seeing a counsellor up until recently. It was a free service and they could only provide so many sessions to each person, so I had to stop going once I ran out. It was very useful for dealing with some other things that had been bothering me, but I never got around to discussing anything about my relationship... the other topics took up too much time, and I found it difficult to get started on the subject because of how awkward it is.

I probably should try to see a counsellor again, so I think that's what I'll do next.

Thanks for the suggestions, insight and encouragement, guys, you've been a great help and have given me a lot more to think about.

Give Tivoli a try. They have a sliding scale that's affordable. I think the maximum is 25 euro a session and it goes down to about 10 per session if that's what you can afford