Am I being over the top

Molly1

Myself and my husband have been married for 5 years, have a joint account for house things and then an account each for our own money. We both work full time. My husband earns more money than me. I have just found out that he has 9k in the bank from bonuses etc i didn't know about. He could have other money, I don't honestly know. I only know he has this because he's paying his car loan off. Up to this he told me he has no money so I believed him.... when I say I have no money, I have no money. I've a lot of debt to pay and I'm paying that off so am left with very little money and end up paying for things for kids etc, I think I should say something, or would you just leave it? x

Dymo

I suppose some couples vary in their degree of openness to each other, I know my wife knows everything about my finances and I pretty much know everything of hers. There's never a question of one person hoarding money and everything is paid by both of us. You are married there should never be an occasion when your short of money when you husband has plenty. I would definitely say something to him its your money too.

i-digress

I don't really get the concept of 'separate money' in a marriage anyway. Myself and my husband share everything. But every relationship is different.

I think it's a huge deal. Why would he feel the need to keep it secret? Plus, if he knows you have debt surely it's better for your long term prospects to pay that off. Are you buying things for the kids that he isn't contributing to because he says he's broke? That's out of line.

I think the biggest issue is that he kept it secret. Why would he do that?

astra2000

I would be angry he hadnt told me, but in fairness he is using it to pay off a loan and not squandering it. Obviously things have changed a lot in relationships and a lot of couples have the same set up as ye have, in our marriage all has always gone into the one "pot". At various stages of our marriage and also pre marriage one of us earned more than the other sometimes it was me then my husband. When I inherited money and was gifted money it also went to the same place. Basically we pay our mortgage/living expenses/bills take what we need personally and anything left over is saved.
It seems strange to me that people are willing to share their lives, homes. children and more with their spouse, but when it comes to money there can be such a my money. your money attitude.
Sorry if I am coming across critical of your situation I dont mean too I am probably not capable of understanding the thought process behind it.
Anyway if this situation has worked for you until now great, but I cant for the life of me understand why your husband would lie and tell you he had no money. Would he have been under the impression that had you known about it you would have found impractical ways to spend it?

fghijkl

have a joint account for house things and then an account each for our own money. We both work full time

Sorry but i'm going to go against the grain here by the sounds of things... Obviously at the start of the relationship having separate accounts didn't bother you, so why does it now? because you found out he has more money than you?

i think he's perfectly entitled to have his own money in his own account without having to inform you, He worked for that money. Its not his fault you have debts? He has debts too, he just has more money available to pay them off. Maybe he's a better saver, maybe he spends money less frivolously than you do? either way if it doesn't effect his payments of "house things" and shared expenses i don't see why it should matter to you?

Of course if you are in debt because he isn't paying his half of shared expenses then yes you have every right to say something to him...

I agree its not fair you should have to pay for all the kids stuff (but not because he has more money than you) it should be a pretty equal split.
If this is the case then yes you should say something to him.

It seems strange to me that people are willing to share their lives, homes. children and more with their spouse, but when it comes to money there can be such a my money. your money attitude.

I would think it strange for a husband and wife not to have their own savings tbh...its very nieve in this day and age to think that a marriage is guaranteed to last forever, and many women have found themselves in terrible situations when a marriage breaks up and they have no money to fall back on.

There's never a question of one person hoarding money and everything is paid by both of us. You are married there should never be an occasion when your short of money when you husband has plenty. I would definitely say something to him its your money too.

As long as he pays his fair share of joint expenses then i wouldn't see it as hoarding, why shouldn't he be allowed to have his own savings? and its absolutely not her money, its his, he earned it, marriage isn't an acquisition.

LegacyUser

"its your money too"

That kinda thinking is probably why he kept it aside. Its not your money too. If you needed some of it or you told him you where stuck, I doubt he would refuse to help but when you start thinking its your money too, you start thinking of what you could buy with the money and thats fair imo. Seems to me, if hes paying off the car loan, he using it to clear debt not spending it on crap.

If you think he's contributing towards the kids enough then thats a separate issue and should be brought to his attention.

S23

I get the intial points made but the above poster hit the nail on the head.

There was a point at the start of the marriage where a decision was made to have a joint account for household and sundry expenses (lets call it that to keep it simple) and then two personal accounts for savings.

That was the arrangement that was made. The OP never said she had voiced her displeasure with this to begin with so I'll assume the issue doesn't stem back to then

So now it transpires he has more money saved than her, money which he earned under his own labour, and is more capable of clearing his debts (not joint/household debts) so there is an issue?

I'm afraid he hasn't done anything at all wrong. I will concur in as much that I'm shocked there is no joint savings account as well as a joint household expenses account. It's something you might want to address.

When he has said he has no money he may well have meant it. He may well have meant he had no spare cash as the money he was saving to clear his debt was not, in his mind, spare cash.

Anyway, he's done nothing wrong apart from earn more than his wife and handle his debt management better. I'm sorry but that is the bottom line. If you want to change the parameters then talk to him but I certainly wouldn't do so in an accusatory tone.

If he really isn't carrying the load with regards to the nessecities for your kids then you need to speak to him about it and get him to at the very least up his contribution to the household expenses they both contribute to.

i-digress

Molly1 wrote: »

I have just found out that he has 9k in the bank from bonuses etc i didn't know about.

I accept that their arrangement might be to have separate accounts, but shouldn't she at least know about his savings? That's the issue as I see it anyway. He didn't tell her about the bonuses, if you get a bonus you're usually pretty chuffed about it, it's normal to tell your partner about that. It's not a couple of hundred euro, it's 9k. Why would you keep it a secret?

S23

It's not nessicarily a secret. It was money he was putting aside to pay off a debt. Hence the fact he may not have been 'chuffed' because it wasn't 'spare money' it was money that he had accounted for in knowing it was going towards clearing debt.

If he'd spent it on hookers and champagne that would be a different matter maybe. However this man clearly has his head screwed on and has prioritised using this money to clear debt. That is never a bad thing. If he's allowed accumulate independent debt in the relationship (as is the OP) then surely he's allowed to pay it off as he sees fit?

i-digress

S23 wrote: »

However this man clearly has his head screwed on and has prioritised using this money to clear debt. That is never a bad thing.

That's very true.

I agree with you, and like I said before if they have separate accounts that's what works for them. I suppose it depends on what the OP means about knowing nothing about it. If I were in her situation I wouldn't have a problem if I'd just been told he'd bonus money set aside to pay off his debt and no other details.

However if I was told nothing about it for a long period of time it might be different.

LegacyUser

I am married and we added up all our outgoing and divided by two so we both put in x amount to joint account and then the rest is our own!

I've even my hubby 6k for a loan for his car and he'll pay me back when he has the cash, he wouldnt have much saving were I have but why such I give him half of my hard earned saving over the last 15 yrs! Its the 2011 NOT 1920!

i'VE ALWAYS EARNED 15K OR SO MORE THAN HIM BUT NOW HE EARNS MORE THAN ME BUT WE STILL OUT IN THE SAME AMOUNT, HALF THE SHOPPING, HALF MEALS OUT, ETC ETC ITS WORKS FOR US

Molly1

I said it to my hubby last night and we had a massive row. I don't want or need any of this money, I just thought it was strange that he didn't tell me. Because if I had it I would say that I had it and there wouldn't be an issue. I think to be honest we have both been brought up differently about money, and he is better with money than me no question. I just felt he should have mentioned it, no big deal. I work am independent, make my own money. It's just that if I had it I would have said it. Suppose we are both very different. He's doing really well, which is fantastic for him (his family never recognise this) and I am really supportive to him. I do end up buying more for the kids than him and this is something i'm going to change, even on Santa stuff... it never occurs to him the kids need clothes etc... But I suppose all marriage/parnerships have issues and money is definitely one of ours.

LegacyUser

i think part of what the OP is not happy about is that she ends up paying for stuff for the kids out of "her" money, rather than the joint account.

TheNewMee

You should probably consider setting up a joint account for buying stuff for the kids (and other common things) with both of you paying a certain amount into it each week. That way there won't be an imbalance in who spends what on the kids or other things that you share.

Peanut2011

I said it to my hubby last night and we had a massive row. I don't want or need any of this money, I just thought it was strange that he didn't tell me. Because if I had it I would say that I had it and there wouldn't be an issue.

Well if it would not be an issue why make it one? Did you ever ask him to tell you how much he has? If not it does not mean he was hiding it, just never thought he needed to share how much he has.

He's doing really well, which is fantastic for him (his family never recognise this) and I am really supportive to him.

Well if you are married it would be expected to be the support for one another, however I would say if either one of you is doing well it should be good for both of you.

I do end up buying more for the kids than him and this is something i'm going to change, even on Santa stuff... it never occurs to him the kids need clothes etc...

This I would have the problem with. Firstly it would depend on the original circumstances and agreement. I do not think one should end up paying more than the other, however it is hardly fair to expect the person with the lower income to foot the same bill.

To be very drastic, and I have no issues if it's a man or a woman earning more therefore I will say person 1 or person 2, suppose the situation is like this:

Person 1 = earning €100,000 a year
Person 2 = earning € 30,000 a year

Would you consider it fair if they said all monthly outgoings are €3,000 so each person should put in €1,500?

I don't think it would be fair in this instance. It is pretty much open to individual agreement and if it was agreed this was fair I would not fee the need to say what money I had saved separately.

Kimia

Why did he say he had no extra money when the OP asked him?

I wouldn't like that kind of deception. If I had 9K in an account, even if it was paying off loans, and my OH said 'Have you any extra money at all?', I would say 'I have that money for the car loan'. Not just 'no'. It's weird.

S23

The big thing for me here is that it 'doesn't occur to him' that the kids need new clothes etc.. He really needs to get his act together. It's not on the OP to sort that stuff out at her own expense

Peanut2011

S23 wrote: »

The big thing for me here is that it 'doesn't occur to him' that the kids need new clothes etc.. He really needs to get his act together. It's not on the OP to sort that stuff out at her own expense

Fully agree with this!

blackbird98

as other posters have said, I don't understand the mentality of separate accounts. If your married, then surely what's his is yours, and visa verse.

Since we married, everything goes into 1 account, which pays for everything, if any of us need anything, it just comes out of the account.

I think that you need to sit down and discuss it more, he should share everything, especially where the children are concerned. Irrespective of who earns the most.....after all..IMHO...that is part of what a marriage is all about

Tefral

In my relationship we have seperate accounts.

The OH has hers and ive got mine. If there is expenses then they are halved and then she has her savings I have mine etc.

We spend what we like on ourselves and eachother and we have never ever had an argument about money. Im much better at money management than my OH and if she ever needed a loan or money to get her by Id give it to her no question, but that would be my decision. I wouldnt like to be in a situation of a joint account where I would have to second guess any purchases for say car parts or the like or run any purchases by her or where she sees a new handbag or whatever and feels she needs to run it by me or second guess any purchase.

Our life is a little less complicated where we have no kids, but if we did have kids and they needed clothes etc then im sure that would be a 50/50 split too.

I treat money completely differently to my OH in that Ill budget money out over the month and if im in the red after that budget then even if I have 2000 in the bank in savings or something then to me I have no money.

Savings to me or money to pay back a debt is money that doesnt exist to be spent in my eyes and I know my OH treats this a little differently. Maybe the OP's OH was the same, he might have wrote the 9k off as it was for a loan and essentially had no money in his eyes.

cronin_j

cronin_j wrote: »

I treat money completely differently to my OH in that Ill budget money out over the month and if im in the red after that budget then even if I have 2000 in the bank in savings or something then to me I have no money.

Savings to me or money to pay back a debt is money that doesnt exist to be spent in my eyes and I know my OH treats this a little differently. Maybe the OP's OH was the same, he might have wrote the 9k off as it was for a loan and essentially had no money in his eyes.

I have to say I'm the same. So is my best friend. We say we are broke and have no money even though we both have savings. If you asked me, I'd probably reply "yeah I have no money" or "I'm broke" if it was in the context of discretionary spending

sbsquarepants

Molly1 wrote: »

Myself and my husband have been married for 5 years, have a joint account for house things and then an account each for our own money. We both work full time. My husband earns more money than me. I have just found out that he has 9k in the bank from bonuses etc i didn't know about. He could have other money, I don't honestly know. I only know he has this because he's paying his car loan off. Up to this he told me he has no money so I believed him.... when I say I have no money, I have no money. I've a lot of debt to pay and I'm paying that off so am left with very little money and end up paying for things for kids etc, I think I should say something, or would you just leave it? x

Am i the only one who sees a connection here? Maybe he didn't tell you cos he thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you'd blow it? I could be jumping the gun, but an ex of mine was a total disaster with money, i had to keep everything seperate after learning the hard way. Maybe this is the same?

CathyMoran

I would be concerned about the secrecy over it and for me at least it does seem strange to have your finances so separate. My husband supported me through serious illness and when we agreed that I would take unpaid leave after the birth of our son he has been suporting us through those times - we have separate accounts but know all the details of one another's finances - we have a tiny amount for ourselves, the rest goes into our family finances. Before we were married I was the one with better finances and I did more then - we have always been a family and would always support each other.

dub_3

When we got married we both kept out separate bank accounts that our wages are paid into.

We also setup a joint account that the mortgage and main bills are paid out of.
We both pay into the joint account by standing orders. unequal amounts as we earn different amounts.

The money paid into joint A/C is enough to pay the bills with a bit left over.
From time to time one or other of us informs the other that we need to take some money from the joint A/C for a specific purpose.

Apart from that we each manage the money in our own accounts.
For other expenses we have an agreement who looks after them.
She pays childcare + other kids stuff
I pay car tax / insurance etc,
also days out + holidays paid for by me.

If it turns out one person is always running out of money then we adjust the amounts of the standing orders a bit.

Having said all that any money in any of the accounts belongs to both of us.
Neither of us would purchase anything major without consulting the other.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I'm with my OH 4 years and living together 3 years. I make more money than my OH. We're not married but when it comes to finance we seem to have the usual married way of dealing with it. We share everything, we each get half of everything that's left over from the bills, it changes from week to week, as in I might need extra cash one week and he the other week but it works out around halfish each. I can't really get my head around your financial arrangement with your husband. To me it comes accross as selfish and it's almost like he's not completely invested in the marraige, like he has a nest-egg for if things go pearshaped? I may be completely wrong but I'd find it very worrying to be honest. And defo stop paying everything for the kids, that's just completely unfair.

Best of luck

Ronin247

Molly1 wrote: »

......................... Up to this he told me he has no money so I believed him.... when I say I have no money, I have no money. I've a lot of debt to pay and I'm paying that off so am left with very little money and end up paying for things for kids etc, I think I should say something, or would you just leave it? x

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Am i the only one who sees a connection here? Maybe he didn't tell you cos he thinks, rightly or wrongly, that you'd blow it? I could be jumping the gun, but an ex of mine was a total disaster with money, i had to keep everything seperate after learning the hard way. Maybe this is the same?

I see a big connection here also. I wonder did he actually say he had no money or did he allow the op to think that way?

I had a similar experience to sbsquarepants with an ex and now while I would never lie or deliberately mislead my wife I would let her think money was/is tight as she would be overly generous to people if she felt we could afford it.

Lol26

Molly1 wrote: »

Myself and my husband have been married for 5 years, have a joint account for house things and then an account each for our own money. We both work full time. My husband earns more money than me. I have just found out that he has 9k in the bank from bonuses etc i didn't know about. He could have other money, I don't honestly know. I only know he has this because he's paying his car loan off. Up to this he told me he has no money so I believed him.... when I say I have no money, I have no money. I've a lot of debt to pay and I'm paying that off so am left with very little money and end up paying for things for kids etc, I think I should say something, or would you just leave it? x

OMG yes def say something, it's not fair, he should be helping you out and not secretly saving it in another account and paying his loan off!!

LegacyUser

OMG yes def say something, it's not fair, he should be helping you out and not secretly saving it in another account and paying his loan off!!

why should he help her pay off her debts which she has accumulated?
why should he stop paying his debts to clear hers?

by that logic she could go out and blow 2 grand on a handbag and rack up more debt and let him "help her out"

Its not the OP's husbands fault that the OP is bad at managing her money.

ziedth

Hi OP,

my 0.02c on this, Yes I agree that you should make your Husband aware of the expenses with the kids. Write down everything that goes out in a month and show it to him I don't have kids but I can imagine that it allot and I'm sure he doesn't realise either. I think he sounds like a very decent guy who works hard does contriubte and doesn't blow HIS savings on golf/gambling/booze/drugs/women and so on but instead is usuing it to pay off his loan and free up even more weekly income.

Now, should you be angry that he never told you? IMHO, no. It's not a life changing sum of money assuming your both on 30/40k and he saved it up over a couple of years it's about normal for someone who is good with their money.

Yes I understand that you are having it harder having allot of debt but you both decided at some point to have sepperate accounts. You just didn't mind when you thought he was in roughly the same boat as you. If you had just set up a joint account and share out all debt equally by wage % this would have been avoided but there are problems with that method too.

My point is OP, your husband saving money (I'm assuming he just told you he was paying off his loan and you didn't read it in a letter or something because that would change things somewhat) and paying off a loan is IMHO not even in the top 99% of wrong things that a husband/wife can do.

My advise say you didn't mean to get onto him or however you'd like to phrase it (don't apologise) but you were just surprised that he could save so much when you find it a little hard going time times and show him the previously mentioned expenses list.

Best of luck.