how to stop jealous thoughts?

milomcg

I am with my boyfriend for two years, am living with him, and everything is going really well. He is such an amazing guy and we are so in love. There shouldn't really be any problem, but I can't help letting certain thoughts into my head that keep upsetting me.

Basically, I often get paranoid that he wants to be with other women. He has never done anything to suggest this, and has in fact been so good and reassuring whenever I've talked about these fears out loud. He has so many beautiful, funny, girl friends, and I keep thinking that surely, if he had the choice, he would prefer to be with some of them. He also (quite obviously!) checks out good looking women, and will also be especially attentive to good looking women when he meets them. This is normal male behaviour though, and so I suppose I can't really fault him on that

I know this is a jealousy thing, but it just comes from this idea I have that I can't be good enough for him, and that he's missing out on being with other girls that have more confidence etc

This also goes further than the jealousy thing...I was raped a few years ago, and has left me with this level of disgust for men in general. I hate the way men think about and talk about women in such a sexual way. I find myself getting annoyed at my boyfriend when I hear his friends talking about other women like that. I suppose I think that my bf must think the same way too (although I know it's not rational)

I'm not sure how to help myself get over these irrational thoughts. My bf has been so understanding up to now whenever I have gotten upset over these things/being jealous but he can only put up with so much. I had been to counselling before for a year or so, and don't feel like this will help now. When I start thinking like this, it sends me into a spiral of depressive thoughts, for days, which leave me in tears....and then this in turn is no fun for my bf. I'm so scared that he'll get tired of my stupid thoughts and not want to put up with me anymore. He really is the best thing that's happened me and am so scared I'll ruin it.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to stop these stupid jealous/paranoid thoughts.

Neyite

wrote:

I am with my boyfriend for two years, am living with him, and everything is going really well. He is such an amazing guy and we are so in love. There shouldn't really be any problem, but I can't help letting certain thoughts into my head that keep upsetting me.

Basically, I often get paranoid that he wants to be with other women. He has never done anything to suggest this, and has in fact been so good and reassuring whenever I've talked about these fears out loud. He has so many beautiful, funny, girl friends, and I keep thinking that surely, if he had the choice, he would prefer to be with some of them.

This is where you need to take a deep breath, and recognise he is with you, and this is your insecurities talking. If he wanted to be with any of them he would be. But he is with you, and while you may not recognise it, that’s because its where he wants to be

wrote:

He also (quite obviously!) checks out good looking women, and will also be especially attentive to good looking women when he meets them. This is normal male behaviour though, and so I suppose I can't really fault him on that

Blatant checking out of other women and being especially attentive to an attractive woman is not normal male behaviour, most blokes are at least a bit discreet about it.. A double-take is fair enough but ogling a woman is disrespectful to the woman herself and also to you if you are sitting there. A simple ‘Oy!, yer not out with the lads now’ nudge in a friendly manner should get the message across. Being especially attentive to someone could be construed as flirting. Harmless, but if its ongoing or constant every time you go out, it can test the patience of even a non-jealous girlfriend. Some people are grand with flirting. I dont flirt with others if I am with someone, I just think its disrespectful, and I expect the same in kind, but I know couples who are grand with it. I think if he knows that this behaviour spoils your night, he should try not to do that.

wrote:

I know this is a jealousy thing, but it just comes from this idea I have that I can't be good enough for him, and that he's missing out on being with other girls that have more confidence etc

Maybe the girls you see as confident he sees as loud or a chatterbox and therefore a bit of a headwreck. What he finds attractive is you.

wrote:

This also goes further than the jealousy thing...I was raped a few years ago, and has left me with this level of disgust for men in general. I hate the way men think about and talk about women in such a sexual way. I find myself getting annoyed at my boyfriend when I hear his friends talking about other women like that. I suppose I think that my bf must think the same way too (although I know it's not rational)

Why are you getting annoyed at him for what his friends say? He cant control their mouths, and nor should he. Drop this one. A lot of blokes talk about women in a sexual way, but usually the end up growing out of it. Call them on it yourself if you are there, and if its something your boyfriend relays back to you, politely tell him you think its childish and you are not interested in discussing it.

wrote:

I'm not sure how to help myself get over these irrational thoughts. My bf has been so understanding up to now whenever I have gotten upset over these things/being jealous but he can only put up with so much. I had been to counselling before for a year or so, and don't feel like this will help now. When I start thinking like this, it sends me into a spiral of depressive thoughts, for days, which leave me in tears....and then this in turn is no fun for my bf. I'm so scared that he'll get tired of my stupid thoughts and not want to put up with me anymore. He really is the best thing that's happened me and am so scared I'll ruin it.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to stop these stupid jealous/paranoid thoughts.

Consider going back to your counselling – or try a different one. Even if it means you discuss your jealousy issues with the counsellor instead of your boyfriend its better than bending his ear about it all the time.

I found when I did counselling, I was able to ‘park’ an event that might happen, to discuss at my next appointment. I found that by the time the slot had rolled around, maybe I brought up the event to discuss, or maybe I had processed it in my head in the meantime. So it meant I didn’t react as much to an event as I could have in the heat of the moment, and stopped me from dwelling on something that I would have otherwise been overthinking.

Work hard on reminding yourself when you get insecure, that it’s your thinking that’s at fault, not his behaviour.