20+ years and she wants to break up

LegacyUser

I'm heartbroken, in fact it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest and there's nothing inside me now. Last night my wife hit me with, she wants to seperate and sell up.

I'm so upset i don't know what to say.

I have no idea where to turn, i don't want to turn to family and anyway what could they do only listen to me, and tell me everything will be ok, but at this moment that's not what i want to here.

There's been no affairs or anything like that, money is a bit tight, there's enough to cover bills and food, but nothing else (i.e. nights out, etc) and it's been like this for a few years now.

Quick explanation, i got sick some years ago and we always thought someday i will get better and could return to my job, but this never happened.

Sorry i can't type anymore, to upset.

Any advice would be welcome.

btw we have only one child, well no longer a child, 19 now.

astra2000

Ah I am sorry to hear that its obviously a massive blow. Is there any chance your wife would consider councelling? I know you say you dont want to talk to your family, but I would urge you to reconsider. They can offer another perspective, maybe one of them could speak with your wife. Your family know you and your wife it is more than likely that they will be able to give you the best advice.

Peanut2011

Dear OP, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. Unfortunately people do not decide to call it quits over night.

Try to see when things changed, try to ask her what is making her unhappy and what is the reason for the decision. Explain what you are feeling and try to see if there is any grounds for reconciliation, even with some professional help.

Unfortunately if she does not have any more feelings for you and there is nothing you can do to reconcile well at least you will find out sooner rather than later.

Wish you best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hello OP, if this came like a bolt from the blue then I am deeply sorry for you and can understand how sick you must have felt at hearing it, especially if you still love her. This is difficult to manage especially with your own emotions in turmoil and I'm sure with the uncertainty and fear it creates.
You need to understand what just happened. Your wife has obviously been thinking about this for a while now and finally plucked up the courage to tell you. For you it felt like a total shock, it was always going to shock you whenever she told you. You now have to realise that your wife showed great courage in expressing her emotions and has been very honest with you. This honesty is a positive thing because she's opened up to you about something which she's kept bottled up for a long time. It may prove positive for your relationship if you handle this in the right way.
You need to convince her to go to counselling with you as a first step. There's no guarantee this will end in a positive outcome but at least from your own perspective you can say you tried. This is a time when all the defensive side of your personality needs to be removed, self pitying needs to disappear, you need to become that young guy again who proposed to her 20 years ago. Be honest with yourself and her about your failings. Be honest about how much you love her, explain your frustration about not having the finances to take her out and treat her like the princess you first proposed to.
If you attend counselling you'll hear some bad things about yourself, once again be prepared to see who you are from her perspective, you may not appear to her as the person you think you are and this may very well be an image you need to change by addressing your failings.

Always remember that her telling you this was not an attack on you, it was her finally getting the chance to be honest with you about what she's feeling. I really hope that both of you can repair what damage has been done to your relationship over the years. If you can repair it be prepared for a long journey and some difficulties along the way. If after counselling she no longer loves you and still wants to leave you then there's little else you can do but respect her position and come to terms with a massive change in both your lives.
Be brave, avoid self pity, don't panic, and whatever else remember that she too has a life and deep down inside if all was right in your relationship she wouldn't want to leave either.
I'm in a similar situation, still at home but unfortunately relationship is beyond repair, but I've come to terms with it.

Sleepy

OP, whatever happens, don't leave the house. If she wants out, she should be the one to get out.

Stheno

Sleepy wrote: »

OP, whatever happens, don't leave the house. If she wants out, she should be the one to get out.

I left the house I had with my ex after checking with my solicitor, my rights in relation to it didn't change if I wasn't living there as long as I was contributing my share of the mortgage.

curlzy

Hey OP,

First of all *BIG HUG*, that is an awful shock to get! I'm thinking about the information you gave and it sounds as if your marraige might have gone stale. Like I'm just wondering if you spent any time together? I know you don't have alot of cash but going for walks or drives or painting together or listening to music or dancing etc etc etc doesn't take alot of cash but keeps fun and togetherness fresh, both of which are needed for a healthy and happy relationship. So ask yourself, have you been taking each other for granted, do you openly communicate, do you show each other you care??? Could it be that you got so used to each other you just don't put any effort in? I agree that you guys should try councelling if she will. My heart goes out to you, it really does, it just sounds so heartbreaking to have this just come outta nowhere. The best of luck OP, I hope you can get it sorted.

Sleepy

Stheno wrote: »

I left the house I had with my ex after checking with my solicitor, my rights in relation to it didn't change if I wasn't living there as long as I was contributing my share of the mortgage.

Yes, but this being Ireland, one's rights can take years to be obtained, particularly in relation to family law and divorce.

Mind44

I am so very sorry. This is awful. I also agree with the previous poster that if she wants out of the marriage, she can be a big girl and leave. Don't go anywhere. The one who wants out is the one who should leave.

Best of luck to you. Please don't be alone. Lean on friends and family.

Smashhits

Lost_4_words wrote: »

I'm heartbroken, in fact it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest and there's nothing inside me now. Last night my wife hit me with, she wants to seperate and sell up.

I'm so upset i don't know what to say.

I have no idea where to turn, i don't want to turn to family and anyway what could they do only listen to me, and tell me everything will be ok, but at this moment that's not what i want to here.

There's been no affairs or anything like that, money is a bit tight, there's enough to cover bills and food, but nothing else (i.e. nights out, etc) and it's been like this for a few years now.

Quick explanation, i got sick some years ago and we always thought someday i will get better and could return to my job, but this never happened.

Sorry i can't type anymore, to upset.

Any advice would be welcome.

btw we have only one child, well no longer a child, 19 now.[/QUOTE

I know exactly how you feel, my h said the same to me last feb. We were together 18 years married 13. He blamed us getting into a rut etc. What I discovered after this revelation was that he had already begun a relationship with another woman. We agreed he should move out in May and we've been apart since. We have 2 children.

I still love him desperately and although I know we'll never be together again I still hope. 2010 was probably the worst year of my life.

My whole world fell apart but 11 months on the pain he caused me has eased, it's still not gone and I don't know if it ever will.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, take care of yourself, talk to friends/counsellor for yourself not for the marriage.
Don't be afraid of crying, it is after all a huge loss.