Been to counsellor, need help finding social groups

davy12

Well , I've finally been to the counsellor. I can't say that I'm getting good vibes from her after this session.

Basically she told me to go out and join some groups and then report back to her.

She suggested that i take up walking, which is not something that interests me as a group activity. Don't know why, but it doesn't,o.

What i need is some ideas for groups etc for an active early 30's male to join.

I am a bit stumped, but creativity was never my strong point.


Thanks.

AckwelFoley

What do you like?

Sports? Drama? etc...

LegacyUser

I wore those same shoes a few years ago, in my early thirties. I didn't go to a consellor (I used my poor family as a sounding board instead).

What club you join doesn't matter a great deal (as long as you don't hate it, that is). It's the social element that counts. Walking is one of those things that many people do for the social. Those who want to treat it like a sport just walk with faster walkers.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say. Good luck.

dellas1979

Davy - honest to God I dont mean to sound rude, but if you dont start getting up off your bottom and start doing things and trying things, then you are going to be posting here about this for a long long time.

In your last post, you listed hobbies/things you were interested in.

How do you know you wont like walking in a group unless youve tried it?

My attitude is "I dont think Id be very into it, but shur ill give it a go and maybe I will like/love/hate it".

I had your attitude when I was like 12. Sorry, but I did.

Why dont you give (new) things a go instead of posting here? I suspect your councellor cannot get you to motivate yourself, and so is somewhat frustrated with your progress. Councellors may enable you/give you the tools to fix your problems, but she cannot make it all better for you - especially if things she suggests (as a professional councellor) you shoot it down.

Neyite

Indoor Soccer
Tag Rugby
Any evening course, whether its creative, eg. photography, a new skill such as a language, or even a qualification.
Running groups

Lots out there. Just sign up for a few and tell yourself you will give it a month to see how it goes.

Dont write off the counsellor just yet - you need at least a few sessions to start to get into things, and the best counsellor in the world cant help you if you are not willing to work hard too.

whitehallp

Go the the gym - releases endorphins - hard at first but stick at it. That way u are around people and activity even if u dont want to join in - its solitary but sociable at the same time - worked for me. 45 mins 3 times a week - get a programme -no need to overdo it.

preferable one with a sauna - great stuff - u get to look forward to it afte:D

simple, but works...

davy12

I'm more of an acive person.

Dellas - you're right and I know I'm totally unmotivated and stuck in a rut. It is unbelieveably tough for me to get out there and do things. It is something I've never done in all my life. I've never had friends or people to go out with - I've mostly tagged onto other groups.

You have no idea of the embarrassment it causes me to be this way. I feel so stupid for not being popular, sociable or out there doing stuff. This is me being me. It's hard to change. Those who don't understand will scoff at me and tell me to just do it but that just drives me further into my shell as I feel more of a freak for not being able to do things and meet people. I'm scared of change.

In all honesty I don't have many interests. I like foreign travel. I like movies. I like keeping fit at gym.

I know what you are saying and it really frustrates me that I am a loner. I wish there was a switch to make me more sociable, but there isn't. My family are not sociable - they never go out, together or individually. It's in my makeup. Ever since I was in my early 20's I've tried to sort this with no luck. Maybe it just is my destiny.

If my posts are boring people, then please lock the thread.

Birdsong

No need to feel embarrassed for being a loner, thats just the way you are, but we all need people around us too. You have to push yourself to change a little bit, no one else can do it for you.

You say you are active, I would recommend joining a running club, its solitary but you have the support of the others in the club. How fast or how slow you run, it doesn't matter, its not like a team sport where if you miss a pass you let everyone down. Running clubs are very welcoming, if you have to walk around the track for a few weeks so be it, keep going back. Its also an easy place to strick up a conversation, ask any runner were they out running at the weekend or did they do x race and they'll be more than happy to talk:D

Toastmasters also another good group, good support in that too. Very social too

You have to push through the embarrassement you feel & stick with it. Janurary is a great time of year to join anything, there will be others who are new so you will have company and people at your stage.

Missgoggles

Dont be embarrassed OP, there are many people out there that arent popular or social.

Just give something, anything, a go...even if you think you wont enjoy it. You may be surprised. There are so many sports teams....football, basketball, tag rugby, touch rugby, tennis, squash, running, gaa, cricket, netball, badminton etc etc if you just google it and join something.

You like to keep active, you like travel and you like cinema...thats pretty much all my interests there too, Im not highly sociable, nor am I popular, and sometimes I just like to be on my own, but I do enjoy playing a team sport for company more so then anything else.

If it is a problem for you, then change it, small steps will make such a difference. Get over the excuses (its hard to change etc) because nothing is easy but it can be so worth it!!

Indoor climbing.

JimmyCrackCorn

snyper wrote: »

What do you like?

Sports? Drama? etc...

If you like something try it.

Anything from volunteering to parachute jumps

elbee

Davy, I haven't done this myself but I know a few people who swear by meetup.com - as well as interest-based groups, there are also groups that just meet up to socialise and have a chat.

Also, if you're into foreign travel and movies, you'll probably find loads of people you can talk to, most people like at least SOME travelling and films!

dellas1979

No one is scoffing at you Davy - we've all felt lonely or down at some stage - unloved or below someone.

Find someone who denies these things, and Ill show you a liar.

You are not exclusive to these feelings.

The difference is other people seem better equipped to cope, through their behaviour and attitude. This seems to be at least one reason for you being in councelling. But its not going to work unless you try.

From reading both your threads, part of me is actually beginning to believe that you dont want to do anything to solve your problems - which the rest of us do - yet you wonder why everyone else has friends - social outlets etc. Its because we work at them.

Here is one thing you could do - tomorrow go out and do something different -possibly something youve never done before - heck even smile at a random person - and report back here how you got on. Id love to hear something different out of you.

the glass woman

Meetup.com is great, I used it myself for a while. Everyone there is there for one reason only, to meet people and socialise, so they are all very open and friendly. In my experience anyway. Best of luck.

davy12

I'm a member of meetup belfast but there has been nothing I've seen yet which interests me on it.

I think (know) I am scared of change and although I want to have loads of friends anda social life I'm scared of putting myself out there. I just can't overcome that feeling.

I know people who use dating sites but they terrify me and I'm embarassed about people I know seeing me on there.

I'm struggling and have been since I was 20.

dellas1979

Hmmm maybe stay away from the dating sites until you get yourself sorted a little. Youll still have the same problem even if you go the route now.

You know davy, answer this, what is the worst thing right there and then that could happen you in a social situation?

You panic - youll still live
Someone laughs at you - guarantee you wont melt into a puddle
You feel very conscious - again guarantee youll still be standing at the end of it

What is the worst that could happen? Because maybe none or one of the above may happen you, but youll still be fine.

Come on, cut us a bit o' slack here and do something! (am totally trying to encourage you )

davy12

Worst thing that could happen - I could crawl back further into my shell.

I admit I am a bit of a wallflower who led a sheltered upbringing.

I'll have to think long and hard about this one.

dellas1979

If you try something new, you might/most probably will like it!

Doing what you are doing now isnt getting you anywhere, is it?

Do you still want to be here with the same problem in 3/6/12 months? Or do you want to do something about it?

Do you understand that it is you who needs to change things? Yes or no? And please, none of this "yes, but I dont know what to do/had a sheltered upbringing....." we all got crosses to bear.

So, what did you do (different) today ?

davy12

Yes.

I went out when I didn't really want to.

I spoke to house mates friends when I just wanted to go to bed.

dellas1979

Good. You made efforts there - believe me - we all have to make efforts like this - just because we dont say it out loud doesnt mean we dont feel the same as you.

You know, you could be making someone elses day also by being nice/talking to them - have you ever thought of it like that?

One other thing you should try (my reason for suggesting smiling at a person on the previous page), you might find it easier to connect briefly with random people first i.e. a stranger - as in, the man/woman in a shop. Someone at the bus stop - you get the jist.

It is a great way to practice social skills, without committing to anything or feeling anxious. You dont "know" them. And you may never see them again.

davy12

I am like that - this is the frustrating thing. I don't walk around in a daze. I am polite in shops etc to people, always say please/thanks etc. Friendly to most people - I am reasonably well liked at work. I do get on with people. This is the frustrating part.

I am feeling myself sink into depression again. I don't know what to do. My new accommodation is not working out as I expected. I think I need my own place, but I'm saving to buy and have not found anywhere else suitable to live in temporarily in the mean time. I'll give it to end of month before rethinking my situation - if I have to lose deposit, then so be it.

I also have an feeling that I'd like to live abroad before settling down - even if it is just for a small period of time. However, with my current state of mind I don't know if a clean break woudl be good for me or a disaster. At least here I've got my family. I don't know if it is all I think it is or whether I'm just hearing the good time stories.

LegacyUser

FFS, life ain't like that! You have to deal with life's challenges. If you don't try, it'll swallow you up - and clearly you ain't tryin'! Stop thinking and start doing! You'll be a happier person if you do! (I speak from personal experience!).

davy12

I think I have SAD - now that there is a bit of brightness in the day, I'm actually feeling a bit better.

I've got promotion at work, so I'm quite busy with that. I've also spotted a night class which interests me - so I will put my name down for that too.

In regards to everything else, I'm not sure what to do yet. I've always fancied a go at tennis so that is a possibility. Canoeing/kayaking is too, although I'm not very comfortable at all in water.

scarymoon1

myself and a friend are thinking of trying a new sport to mix with more poeple and meet new people. I go horse riding which doesnt involve mixing and she goes to the gym which is the same. Do many people play tennis nowadays??? I used to do it years ago and enjoyed it. Anyone know of any good tennis clubs?

dellas1979

Thats great. Thats the first positive post youve written, and its great to see.

You need to resee your doc dude, and explain the SAD and if he can diagnose it. I knew someone where I worked a few years ago, and she had a portable "lightbox" that she would plug in for a little bit each day and she said it worked wonders.

Its something about the UV lights hitting the back of your eye and stimulating hormones.

Distorted

Probably the c ounsellor was suggesting walking because its easy for the average person to do and the main thing is to keep you interacting with people in the group, rather than the activity itself. So, using that as your motivation, rather than the activity, can you not find some kind of group or club to join so you can practice improving your skills in interacting with other people? Your social skills might not be that good but the only way you can improve them is to practice.

tbh you sound terribly negative and the fact that you can't think of one activity you want to join in is indicative of this. Its only you who can change this.

I think you have the mindset that would do well in long distance running. Or what about mountain biking? The latter is pretty easy to combine with travel as you can go abroad on training or activity holidays. What about a badminton or squash club?

davy12

I found this site in UK but they are not in NI which is a bummer as it is exactly what I am looking for: http://www.spiceuk.com/home?handshaked=true

Does anyone on here know if there is something like that here?

dan_d

Are you in college? Would it be possible to join any of the clubs?

Mountaineering clubs tend to be good. They do things like hillwalking at weekends, maybe climbing on an indoor wall during the week, and some weekends away. There's usually a good mix of people and activities. Would that be a possibility??

davy12

No, not at college - I'm in my 30's and been working since leaving uni.

dan_d

Does your college have any clubs you could join if you're near them.
Most accept grads and alumni.There tends to be a big mix.

davy12

Well I've just spent 3/4 hour looking through Meetup and found nothing of interest to me. I've also checked on the tennis clubs here in Belfast - FFS the money they charge is crazy.

I'll be booking my night class tomorrow morning though, so at least something is happening. This is frsutrating and the promotion means more workload for me too Hence less time to muck about and get this sorted.

I wonder if squash would be an alternative to tennis. Don't remember having played it before and I can't remember seeing a squash ladder at the gym in years now.

Marriage and kids still seems a long way off yet...

davy12

Well I've been back to the counsellor and we've came to the conclusion that I've never done anything that is a risk. She say's I've had an easy life - which I think is unfair comment.

Basically, because I live so come to my home I find it easy to revert back home and let my parents rule my life for me. I've never taken charge of my life.

It kind of makes sense in that I know my parents have a big say in my life and what I do. I need to get more independence and learn to live away from home more. However, this is a double edged sword as i have no friends where I live, no social life and hence it is easy to revert to type.

Not sure what I'm posting here for, but I just need to type this out for my own sake.

So, I've got some big decisions to make soon. I'll be asking my employer if there are any chances of a sabbatical or secondment to another city for 12-18 months. Failing that I'll have to think of changing accommodation here near where I work.

I've taken up a nightclass which I'm enjoying and looking to get into photography. I need to find some other activities to occupy myself and help make friends through.

We'll see how it goes...

LegacyUser

Davy,

I've a bit of experience in this in the sense that my sister was EXACTLY the same as you- kind of hiding a lot behind us as her family and despite us telling her to join groups and things, she always seemed to get stuck in a rut. And because I am the nearest female in age to her in the family, I used to always end up being the one trying to just help get her out socialising and involved in things. I really picked up on the bit where you say you never take risks. She was- and still is to an extent- the same. Afraid to do something in case she makes a fool of herself. She was always an A student in school but hid behind her grades. And when she started working, she hid behind that.

I'm involved in a local group in my home town and my sister kept saying she wouldn't be interested, not her thing, etc. She even started fabricating reasons as to why she wouldn't get involved. My parents were sick with worry about her and she just seemed holed up in her house all the time. Eventually I got so angry with her. I had tried the softly softly approach, the "don't worry, you'll find something you like" business. I guess I got really sick of being caught between my parents and my sister- I'm generally involved in one thing or other and thankfully have lots of brilliant friends, and so my parents would always be on to me to bring my sister along. To be honest, it got to the point where I felt my sister was acting like a spoilt child. She got all the attention, everyone was on tenderhooks around her all the time. Nothing seemed to please her. It was all "poor me, I have nothing", when so much was being offered to her. I know it was probably some sort of depression, but I got so frustrated and I snapped. I was so sick of hearing about my parents not sleeping with worry and it was breaking my heart. They have done so much for us and she was being so selfish (even if it wasn't on purpose) I NEVER have screaming matches but I just told her "Look, here's the situation. I can't deal with this anymore. The group are meeting for the new season on X date. You are going. Give it a go for one season. You might hate it, but at least you'll have tried and won't be moping about. No choice, you're going".

So she went, LOVED it, and now has a great group of friends from it. What I love about it most is that the group of friends she made is a different group to mine, although we're part of the same organisation. It means she really made it her own, and her friends are so lovely. My parents are so relieved, and so proud that she gave it a shot.

So I guess what I'm saying is that others, AND YOURSELF, need to treat you with a bit of tough love for a while. Give EVERYTHING a go. You cannot hide behind your family, especially not your parents, because one day they'll be gone. I know it's hard, taking that first step- but seriously, no one else can help you only YOU. The fact that you've seen a counsellor and are posting here is even a good step. But honestly, you have to just put on the brave face for a while and take that risk. Make a fool of yourself, do things you wouldn't have dreamed you'd ever do- acting, singing, martial arts, dancing, cycling, ANYTHING. Doing the awkward "I'm new here" bit will be worth it, believe me. Take the risk!!! Good luck

LegacyUser

I am feeling very down at the minute. One of my 'friends' lives abroad and has invited me out.

I want to go, but i am so jealous of his lifestyle that i haven't even responded to him yet.

I am not enjoying my work or private life. My parents are unintentionally (i think) controlling my life. They never really let me make any decisions or take any type of risk.

To change job, i would need to retrain, but i don't know how to find a course i can start now.

Gettuing very down about this and my frustration about not knowing how to take a risk. It just is not my nature.