Hurt by Mother in Law

LegacyUser

I was hoping to get some advice here, or even just to vent a little, about my current situation. Basically I have been going through some marriage difficulties for the past year or so. I found out my husband was going through a deep depression which he was keeping from me, and he had begun an emotional affair of sorts with another woman he worked with. This affair involved kissing and a lot of texting etc. He behaved dreadfully and hurt me and my family a great deal. We have a very young child too, so he tore the family apart leaving me to pick up the pieces and keep raising our son.

Thankfully with continuous counselling and some medication he seems to be back to the man I married, and is focussed on getting our life and marriage back on track. I'm very hesitant but am going to give marriage counselling another shot.

Anyway the reason I am posting is that his mother has never acknowledged that he is at fault. The way she sees it is that he is so unhappy in his marriage and that must be because of me, that I am single-minded, and basically making out that i must be hell to live with. She told me as much over the past year, and has hurt me very much as this is a woman who I made huge efforts with, and did have a good relationship with. This could not be further from the truth. I am determined, and I am strong, but i have had to be. She cannot understand why i won't immediately accept my husband back into the family home, even though i have told her that the reason is because neither me or my child could bear to see him leave again, if things didn't work. I am just protecting us both. I want to give the marriage counselling a proper go before I decide/figure out if we have a future or not.

I know she has described our child as being a handful, as 'he has his mother's personality' and 'likes his own way'. I don't like the way she says that, as I have to say I would rather that, than raise a child to be so introvert and full of self hate (as my husband has described himself), and that cannot express himself or his feelings. He never could, and his mother would never let him, which explains the mess he is in today. She thinks cos he never said Boo as a child, that he was a 'good' child.

I just feel so hurt by her, she doesn't openly have a go at me, but I know where she stands, and have overheard things, where if people ask about us or our situation, she paints the picture of me being a tyrant, and never mentions the cheating business.

It shouldn't bother me as much, but as strong as I am I amn't made of stone, so it does. Am also very vulnerable beneath it all, as I've had such a terrible 18months of it.

I keep thinking that if things work out in the marriage that i have to put up with her and her opinion of me for years to come. I just wish i was rid of her and her family. I have had not an ounce of support from her, her husband, or my sister in laws, all of which i really did have a great relationship with previously, and it hurts me so much.

I'm not sure what help i'm looking for, but some replies would be great. Thank you for reading.

astra2000

Hi sorry you have had such a hard time recently, well done for working on your marriage and trying to get it back on track, this shows you are a strong person, and the fact that you want to forgive your husband and understand why he did what he did shows you are a loving and understanding person, a lot of women would have walked away and not looked back and who could blame them.
Unfortunatly your mother inlaw is behaving the way a lot of mothers do, it has to be someones fault but never their childs, so this only leaves you in the frame. Try not to take it too personal very hard I know but it is common for inlaws to take sides rather than remaiining neutral, and more than likely if you had a completely different personality than you have you would still be wrong, it would probably be your fault for been too quiet and putting up with his behaviour. My husbands brother was separated from his wife living with another woman and when my mother in law heard his estranged wife had a date she went mad:eek: crazy I know but it was ok for her son but not for the ex!!
If people decide to fill you in on comments made by your motherinlaw tell them you would rather not hear, it would do you no good. See this as it is its not about you as such but protecting her own child and making sure he is not the one to blame. Keep your distance for now while you are working on and deciding what to do about your marriage. Best of luck

AckwelFoley

Its a tough situation to be in op, but not an impossible one.

The reality is you are married to your husband, not to her, so its easier to manage the contact you need to have with the woman.

Mammy's little boy is never wrong, but he was, and that needs to be clear, his deep depression may be the cause of his straying, but its not an excuse and its certainly not a means to condone it. I dont know if you made it clear to your husband how you feel about his mother, but if you havnt, you need to - you need to make it clear to him that you married him - and not his mother, and be quite frank with him that her comments are unwelcome.

Its going to be difficult to rebuild the trust in your relationship with your husband, but i think you are doing the right thing - dont second guess yourself on that front - Its easier said than done, but try to ignore the woman up to the point that when her comments or actions are causing you husband to do something different - its at that point you speak to him first, and let him deal with her, if he is unwilling to do that - ask him why -

spinandscribble

Often the case in families where a son or daughter has cheated, torn their family apart their family won't acknowledge it as their family members fault. I've seen this happen time and time again.

I see it as your husbands job to speak up and try and resolve their opinion of you. If he wants you back he needs to 'fess up to mommy dearest that its not your fault and he was at fault, he wasn't driven to anything and instead of being a big boy and faced his problems he cheated on his wife and left.
Moms will always want to look favorable on their kids, its natural but he needs to have the balls to set her straight.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for replying, your opinions really help.

Snyper, I did tell my husband how I feel about them, previously this has been in a very angry way, as I couldn't help blurting it all out, but today when he came home and saw me upset I was able to show him how much I am hurting. And Spinandscribble I agree it is up to him to sit down with his parents and totally be honest with them. He is not great at opening up and being honest, but I suppose he is learning.

I have defended myself to them but it just ends up with me getting slightly defensive (understandably) and to be honest, although I can speak my corner very well, it probably only serves to prove to the Mother in law that yes i am a strong willed person! But the problem is that she sees this as a bad thing, and I see it as a good trait! She doesn't seem to understand that our marriage before the cheating episode was fine, we were struggling through having a baby, and I had 3 operations in the first year of the baby's life so things were very difficult, and my husband was mentally struggling and chose to escape. Finding this out hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I did not see it coming or suspect it. She just keeps insinuating that I am very hard to live with and neglected my husband because I was 'obsessed' with our baby.

Big Bag of Chips

At the end of the day her/their loyalty is always going to be with him. I don't think it's even a case of "mammy's boy" or anything like that.. I think it's just purely blood is thicker than water!

Of course she's going to alter the version of the story that she gives to people. To admit he had an affair, would be to admit that there is a fault in her family.. and nobody wants to admit they are at fault!

If you hear stories back, just politely say "I have enough to be dealing with, without having to hear her version of events"!

You can't change her, or her opinions. You can only change you and how you let her affect you.

Kalimah

I do feel for you OP. I have a mother in law who has blamed my husband for absolutely everything that has gone wrong in her family. when I've objected strongly to this I've been told that it's nothing to do with me and that I'm to turn up to family gatherings and hold my tongue! Now I just have as little as possible to do with the woman. Thank God she's in her 80s now so won't be round forever. You'd want a neck like a jockey's proverbials not to let it affect your mental wellbeing.

Pebbles68

I've been living in Ireland ten years now and I still don't get it. Irish mothers and their perfect sons who can do no wrong. She sounds like she simply cannot accept her son is at fault and the easiest option is to point the finger at you. She is completely denying the hurt that you feel. I know it's easier said than done but ignore her. Every time she says anything remind yourself that she is giving you an insight into the kind of thoughtless selfish person she is. Do you really care about her opinion? She's unlikely to change but you can change how you react to her.

At the end of the day it's your marriage and your life. Do what is right for you.

LegacyUser

Pebbles68 wrote: »

Do you really care about her opinion? She's unlikely to change but you can change how you react to her.

I think this is my biggest problem, I know I shouldn't care but I do, and I'm not sure how I can stop being hurt. It's not even as though she says things to my face, but I know for a fact she is leading people to believe that I am the reason her son was unhappy in his marriage, and therefore that led him to stray (which she NEVER even mentions, ever). I spoke to my husband again about this and he again said that it was the extra-ordinary stresses in our life at the time that led to the breakdown of his mental health, and straying went hand in hand with this. I could see how bad a way he was in, and he was numb to everyone around him. This was not to do with me. She is so bloody narrow minded that she cannot see the bigger picture.

Unfortunately Kalimah my mother in law in only late 50's so will be around for some time yet!

Big Bag of Chips

OP, we all hear stories (gossip!) of what is happening in our friends/family/neighbours lives. It's an unfortunate part of life! I can't speak for everyone, but I can tell you personally (and I doubt I'm unique!) I take a lot of what I hear about others with a pinch of salt. You hear one (very strong) side of a story, and most people accept that there is always another side too.

Anybody who knows you will have a rough idea of what sort of person you are and how you may or may not carrying on. Anybody who doesn't know you, and your mil is telling them all sorts.. well... does it matter? And anybody who knows your mil will also know what she's like too! We all know someone that when they come to us with a story, you know a fraction of it is probably true, and much more of it is their version. People who are coming back telling you what she is saying, are more than likely telling you, because they don't believe her.. they would hardly come questioning you on personal details of your marriage if they thought they were true.. simply because it would be downright rude!

As the saying goes, those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.

EDIT: None of that makes it any easier to shut off how it makes you feel though! Your mother-in-law is a wagon! Just accept that. But also know that most people probably aren't taking all that much interest in what she's telling them (and probably don't want to hear most of it anyway!)

jimmycrackcorm

frustrated and hurt wrote: »

I think this is my biggest problem, I know I shouldn't care but I do, and I'm not sure how I can stop being hurt.

The basic fact of the situation applies generally; You have no real control over how a third party person treats you so you need to accept that and deal with your own feelings.

If you dislike your MIL's attitude to you then cut yourself off from her as much as possible. Let your husband know that you are doing this and why so that he can explain to the MIL if and when your withdrawal is noticed. That's the only control you have over the situation.

Kimia

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi sorry you have had such a hard time recently, well done for working on your marriage and trying to get it back on track, this shows you are a strong person, and the fact that you want to forgive your husband and understand why he did what he did shows you are a loving and understanding person, a lot of women would have walked away and not looked back and who could blame them.
Unfortunatly your mother inlaw is behaving the way a lot of mothers do, it has to be someones fault but never their childs, so this only leaves you in the frame. Try not to take it too personal very hard I know but it is common for inlaws to take sides rather than remaiining neutral, and more than likely if you had a completely different personality than you have you would still be wrong, it would probably be your fault for been too quiet and putting up with his behaviour. My husbands brother was separated from his wife living with another woman and when my mother in law heard his estranged wife had a date she went mad:eek: crazy I know but it was ok for her son but not for the ex!!
If people decide to fill you in on comments made by your motherinlaw tell them you would rather not hear, it would do you no good. See this as it is its not about you as such but protecting her own child and making sure he is not the one to blame. Keep your distance for now while you are working on and deciding what to do about your marriage. Best of luck

Astra I love reading your posts as you give really good advice but would you mind splitting the post into clear paragraphs and it's so sore on the eyes to read!!

OP I feel for you. I totally agree with Spin, he needs to tell his mother to back off and stop picking at you, as she is messing with his marraige. God I hate these type of women, they make me so angry!

LegacyUser

Big bag of chips and Jimmycrackcorm that is really good advice from you both and a great help. Thank you so much.

It is true, those who know her know exactly what she is like, even her own siblings. And they've also known me too, for a long time, so I guess they will make up their own minds.

Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind. I like that

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

God I hate these type of women, they make me so angry!

I know! I am a mother to a little boy and I'm REALLY conscious of what kind of an Irish Mammy i'll turn out to be!

ManOfMystery

To be honest this doesn't sound like a women who would ever be swayed by your side of the story.

In my opinion, the only way she would ever change her tune is if your husband did the right thing and had a long and deep conversation with her, and explained his actions. And made it clear to her that he made the mistake through his own choices, and it wasn't down to you.

As your husband has hurt you so much, the very least he can do now is stand up for you (and his son) against his mother and sisters.