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Need a title for this poem for a competition called 'Seaside'

  • 11-01-2011 7:32am
    #1
    Hacketry
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭


    Rockpool splash lonely child’s flung stone

    Summer’s end, long journey home.

    Last smell of sand

    No dry seaweed crunch underfoot

    Barefoot season autumnally shut.

    He wonders did she love him?

    Scared creature with cockle-white eyes

    He held her head under beneath mackerel skies

    Felt her life ebb as the tide flowed by

    Kissed the girl and made her die.


Comments

  • #2
    Hacketry
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭Hacketry


    In fact any feedback at all (including constructive criticism) would be gratefully appreciated. Especially as regards punctuation. I work on the sea and I've been asked to submit a piece for a commemorative competition, and the only similar things I've written to poetry is rude limericks!


  • #3
    merlie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 673 ✭✭✭merlie


    Enjoyed reading your poem.

    As to the title of your work, perhaps something like, Seaside Pearl, West of the sun, Ocean's depth, Tide of tears

    That is all I can think of at the moment.

    Best of luck,

    Merlie :)


  • #4
    b.o.m.d.a.s.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,952 ✭✭✭b.o.m.d.a.s.


    Title: Sea of Tranquility :)


  • #5
    SAMurphy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23 ✭SAMurphy


    Firstly, I like it as a first draft, will reply in depth later this evening once I'm done with this working lark.

    Just a couple of quick points, cut under beneath to underneath, and I don't think you should let anyone else name your work; the title will come to you when you think enough about where the piece originated in your mind, or won't come at all- but it's better to leave a piece untitled than it is to have it permanently labelled by someone other than the self...


  • #6
    SAMurphy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23 ✭SAMurphy


    howya, apologies, got held up. To be honest with you 'he wonders did she love him' just doesn't fit for me. Instead it leaves the idea that the narrator hasn't really a notion what's going on within the piece itself. I really like the intro, it's a good and unusual style but it changes when it uses that line to kinda vaguely resemble a 15 year old plucking leaves off a daisy... which also comes across in the final line. Maybe this is too honest but I don't believe there can be such a thing. What I'd suggest is elaborating on the relationship with the girl and leave it to the reader to surmise whether she loved him or not, the interplay between the characters would work well where-as to me, as it is now, it's just a random death on a beach. iIt's a nice idea but I reckon it needs more of a story behind it before it reaches a resolution. Just thoughts.


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