Siblings

Meller

would really appreciate some feedback or advice on this.

my brother was born when i had just turned thirteen - my mother's son, who i had never lived with and usually saw on weekends. i'd been an only child up until then, and i didn't react very well. i was upset when i heard, and basically denied his existence for the first couple of months, had no interest in the baby, etc.

that was four years ago now - i also have a sister who's almost two over there as well - and i just feel incredibly guilty about the way i behaved, and i just really wish i could make it up to them. problem is, i'm just not good with little kids - it doesn't come naturally to me. i try to play with them and things when i see them, but i just feel really awkward and don't know what to say or do.

secondly, although i know how i reacted was really stupid and immature, i can't help but feel that maybe my mother didn't really try hard enough either, and resent that she didn't. i feel i'd have coped much better if she had tried to talk to me - i'm pretty sure what bothered me so much was that i felt i hadn't been good enough for her, or that i'd be neglected (typical sibling stuff), and sometimes i just feel a bit angry that the latter wasn't exactly unfounded. i know babies are obviously going to get more attention than teenagers, but i know there were times when i would've liked to feel that i wasn't at the bottom of her priority list.

basically i want to make things up to my sister and brother, and to my mom to an extent as well - though still feeling a bit angry at her makes that hard - and i also find it more difficult when i just don't know how to act around kids.

thanks to anybody who read this - sorry if it got a bit long.

astra2000

Hi op well firstly you sound like a very mature 17yr old and secondly stop beating your self up about this you were a kid it was down to your mother to make you feel included, inoh all children need their parents attention and love and to be prioritised the same regardless of age. Is it possible to have a chat with your mum about how you felt and still feel? If you feel it may end up in an argument would you consider writing her a letter letting her know your feelings and how you would like to become a part of your siblings lives.
As for building a bond with the children just spend time with them get to know what they like, do things with them that parents sometimes forget to make time for eg finger painting going to the play ground and hopping on the swings. It may take time for you to get used of them and their ways and seeing things from their perspective, but it can be done ask your mom for help to facilitate a relationship with them. Best of luck

Meller

astra2000 wrote: »

Hi op well firstly you sound like a very mature 17yr old and secondly stop beating your self up about this you were a kid it was down to your mother to make you feel included, inoh all children need their parents attention and love and to be prioritised the same regardless of age. Is it possible to have a chat with your mum about how you felt and still feel? If you feel it may end up in an argument would you consider writing her a letter letting her know your feelings and how you would like to become a part of your siblings lives.
As for building a bond with the children just spend time with them get to know what they like, do things with them that parents sometimes forget to make time for eg finger painting going to the play ground and hopping on the swings. It may take time for you to get used of them and their ways and seeing things from their perspective, but it can be done ask your mom for help to facilitate a relationship with them. Best of luck

thanks for the reply. i just feel that it's very easy for me to pass blame onto my mother - i know that i was young, but not that young. i was old enough to know that how i was acting was selfish and unpleasant.

there are lots of things i'd like to say to my mom, but i'm just not sure how to approach it. i feel like she'd just laugh at me or mock me for sending her a letter or trying to explain it to her, she has a habit of not taking me very seriously. i know that's an 'issue' on her end, but it's just the type of person she is. i also don't know how to phrase things so that they don't seem overly-accusatory.

thanks for the advice on the kids. offering to take them out alone would help, i just feel like i'm not really one of their favourite people to be around because i'm not naturally funny or entertaining to little children. i guess it'll take time for that to change though, i suppose i just have to be around them more.

astra2000

I know what you mean about not coming across as though you are accusing her, if she is going to get defensive or mock you if you tried to write to her about how you felt then it may be better if you leave it, only you can decide if it is something you have to do or not.
As for your brother and sister you dont need to be funny or entertaining, just give them attention, read a book to them or watch a programme they like and pretend its your favourite too, kids love been listened to and getting someones undivided attention. It may take a little time for them to relax/get used to you, dont force it by jumping in and spending a full day or hours on end with them start slowly and gradually you will build a relationship. Best of luck and remember they are two lucky kids to have
an older sibling who is interested in them and wants a relationship with them, well done to you!

dub_3

Don't beat yourself up about the past, just take steps to be more a part of your siblings lives.

Any playing with them / looking after them, that you do will be giving your mum a break. I'm sure she will appreciate that, and your relationship should improve.

Google 'activities for toddlers' etc... for ideas what to do with them

Or maybe read them stories, library books if not many books in the house or you got no spare cash for buying some.

Could you cook a meal for them occasionally (beans on toast if you're no chef)

Is there a playground nearby?

---

From what you say it appears you're not living in the same house as your siblings.

Maybe this is making it a bit difficult to interact with them as family.

Can you explain why you were not /are not living with your siblings.
Perhaps there are issues around this that need to be resolved before you can have a harmonious relationship with your mother.

I'm sorry if it appears that I'm prying, am just trying to get a clear picture of whats going on.

Meller

thanks both for the replies.

dub_3 wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up about the past, just take steps to be more a part of your siblings lives.

Any playing with them / looking after them, that you do will be giving your mum a break. I'm sure she will appreciate that, and your relationship should improve.

Google 'activities for toddlers' etc... for ideas what to do with them

Or maybe read them stories, library books if not many books in the house or you got no spare cash for buying some.

Could you cook a meal for them occasionally (beans on toast if you're no chef)

Is there a playground nearby?

---

From what you say it appears you're not living in the same house as your siblings.

Maybe this is making it a bit difficult to interact with them as family.

Can you explain why you were not /are not living with your siblings.
Perhaps there are issues around this that need to be resolved before you can have a harmonious relationship with your mother.

I'm sorry if it appears that I'm prying, am just trying to get a clear picture of whats going on.

i'll try google, sounds like a good idea for getting suggestions. i can cook and bake okay, and should have loads of books lying around, i'm sure i can give that a go. i'm not sure if there's a playground too near to where they live but i know there are little shops and things and buses that can take us to places.

it is more difficult not living with them, and not really being able to visit (i don't drive yet) without a lift or several buses. there is no issue around not living with them that i know of, i just have never lived with my mother.

deisemum

Hi OP, don't beat yourself up over what happened in the last 4 years.

Try not to worry about feeling awkward around young children and about how to act when you're with them, that will get easier the more time you spend with them.

Children love attention and at your siblings ages they look up to older siblings or anyone who gives them attention. I'm a childminder and when my own children aged 15 and 13 get in from school the little ones I mind love to see them and hang out of them.

dub_3

it is more difficult not living with them, and not really being able to visit (i don't drive yet) without a lift or several buses. there is no issue around not living with them that i know of, i just have never lived with my mother.

Is there an adult that could regularly give you a lift there or back. You could set aside a regular time for a weekly visit. Or do an overnight and you could dress and breakfast the little ones while your mum has a lie-in (maybe even breakfast in bed) Then later you all go for a walk to the park / playground. That would give you a chance to talk to your mum and build the relationship.