Long Distance Relationship???

LegacyUser

Hi all!

Basically...me and this guy I was seeing go to different universities (we are both in first year)...we were seeing each other during the summer and we were also friends beforehand but he said things just couldnt work because of the distance, and so we ended things at the end of september. The next time I saw him was last week and we had a chat and we still have the same feelings for each other as we did before, but again, he said the distance would just be too much of a problem and he said he couldnt put me through that. We live 3 and half hours away from each other by train but we are from the same home town. I only live an hour away plus I have no commitments at the weekend, so I come home every weekend. But its more the situation with him...he can only come home every 4 weeks because he does sport at the weekends. His family and best friends have been complaining to him that he doesnt come home too often. He will also be away this summer as he and his friends are going to canada for the summer. He said the next 'long lenght' of time we'd have together would be next Christmas...

It kills me to say that he thinks things wont work because of the distance...am I irrational and naive to think that things would work despite the distance? I dunno...the way I see it is...if someone really wanted to be with me, then we could overcome the distance? I know he feels the same about me, but its kind of like Im thinking more with my heart and him with his mind...theres obviously more to it than this, but I just cant see it?! If two people wanted to be together then surely a distance wouldnt matter? I dont know what to think of this...

LegacyUser

My fiance is american and I am irish - we have been together for over seven years. At the moment we are apart because we are both working in our home countries. Thankfully one of us is a teacher and gets enough holidays to fly over and back. I would be over the moon if there were only a few hours drive between us as we have not lived together properly in a year and a half. I know for a fact that long distance relationships can work, but only if the two involved really want it to. I also think you need a very strong base together before you part. You both need to be sure this is what you want because, believe me, it can break your heart. It is a roller-coaster of emotion. If you both want it and are willing to go through with it and believe that the pain and separation is worth it, then go for it. But I would not recommend entering into it half-heartedly. Also, with skype, facebook etc. communication isn't a problem, but just be aware that saying goodbye and knowing you won't see the other person for a long time can be hard to deal with. I hope this doesn't sound too negative. I hate my long distance relationship but I would never ever split up with my fiance. It is what it is and I would rather be in this relationship, over a long distance, than not in it at all. Good luck.

peoplepie

To be honest sweetie i think he wants to enjoy himself at college and doesn't want a relationship. When men want something they put the effort in.

LegacyUser

peoplepie wrote: »

To be honest sweetie i think he wants to enjoy himself at college and doesn't want a relationship. When men want something they put the effort in.

Not necessarily true. Maybe he wants to see how much YOU want to be in the relationship/he doesn't want to come across as being soppy and needy by being crazy eager to do a LDR. If he sees you being positive about it, but persists with his negativity, then maybe let him have his space for a bit, and you'll soon have your answer - if he keeps in touch etc, then he knows he still wants to be with you, and then you two can broach the subject again. good luck!

LegacyUser

Thank you for all of your replies so far! I really do appreciate it!

As for hmmmmmdunno, you see, we had this conversation last week and I told him clearly where I stood and that I would be willing to make things work. This was new years eve night. We spent the whole evening talking, holding hands and hugging each other, it was like old times but there was more 'emotion' and closeness between us. We hadnt seen nor spoken to each other since september, and he saw me with a guy st. stevens night, and he said that it just killed him to see me with someone else. But thats just me trying to move onf from him. I also told him some 'home truths' about my feelings and how he hurt me before, and he really took them to heart. But if he feels like that, plus he was the one who ended things before, then why isnt he willing to 'wait' for me as in a LDR? I just dont get it...why am I so willing to make things work while he isnt?

The problem is, we dont purposely see nor speak to each other while we're not 'together', like from sept to dec, I certainly dont make that effort to make contact, its not my place anymore.

LegacyUser

It's a sucky situation to be in OP! But if he doesnt want to be in a long distance relationship, don't assume it's cos he couldn't be bothered or isn't interested enough - I've been that person, who ended a relationship when my bf was emigrating, not because I didn't want to be with him, but because I had tried once before and spent more time upset about it than i was happy. That's just me though, I have a friend whose boyfriend lives in canada for the past 3 years, and they make it work, and while both of em would prefer to live in the same country, distance is currently unavoidable and they manage ok! it just depends on your personality whether you can do it or not - maybe he just doesn't feel like he's able for it! And you guys wouldn't want to end up resenting each other or anything. sorry i can't remember from your post, how long is this potentially gonna be a LDR for?

LegacyUser

Thank you again for your reply!

Well, he has been in two relationships before but I do remember at one point him saying that him and his first girlfriend spent quite a bit of time apart, he was still at school while she went off to university...maybe that's what is putting him off? Well,as for the duration of the LDR, we go to different unis, so it would be for a number of years, but the way I see it is we'd have the holidays, the times he comes home at the weekends, and weekends where I go up to visit him...but even as I am writing this now it killls me because as far as he sees it, its over because of this distance. Maybe if he wasnt away this summer there would be a chance, but it still pains me because as I see it I feel a lot more for him than he does for me, surely thats why Im so eager to make things work than he is? But I know he does care for me and likes me a lot, its just so frustrating, I miss him so much. Thank you again for your words, its helping a lot so I can get my head around this.

LegacyUser

Ugh, unfortunately OP you may need to let him go for now, make a clean break, and then you never know, if you make sure you see him over whatever your next hols are, you may both have had time to reconsider things! I know this is a cliche, but it's helped me a lot with various relationship and personal issues - if it's meant to be, it will be. it's a tough situation to handle, I hope you've got some good family/friends support too!

SirDelboy18

Watch the first season of How I Met Your Mother, and it will show you practically about the whole long distance relationship spectrum in a very funny way

Supercell

LDR's take work but if you are matched it will work.

My wife currently lives about 10,000 KM away... but we make it work, we webcam every day, we chat on the phone every day, we chat on IM every day. In two weeks I will be going to her again and this time finally (several years later) there wont be tears at the airport...because shes coming back here with me.

Life is to short to have regrets OP, you'll only wonder about the chances you never took later in life, live it today, no regrets. if its not meant to be then it will fail naturaly. if it is..then

prinz

hmmmmmdunno wrote: »

- if it's meant to be, it will be

One of the great lies of romantic comedies. Relationships take hard work and effort. Everything is not going to be rosy and fall into your lap.

As others have pointed out LDR's can work out, but it depends on the two people involved being wholeheartedly committed to making it work. Been there for years and will be going back to long distance again soon.

LegacyUser

I don't mean that if you don't work at it and 'fate' has planned someone for you it'll still happen - I just mean that if this is the person you're meant to be with, both of you WILL do the work necessary. I know good things rarely just fall into your lap, and it'll take more work than a non-long distance relationship would...but if it's right, you two will work it out!

duckielover

im with my boyfriend for two years now we are about 4hours away from each other we see each other for few days at a time every two or three weeks and it just works because we started out this way, i work every weekend so i cannot see him then but if you really want to try make it work do and loas of ouples out there dont see each other for months when partners are abroad working. it could work

nowayout1

I think long distance relationships can work, as you said your free every weekend but he's not as with sport commitments, would you not consider going to see him in his campus for a weekend, go to a few parties with him. If the 2 of use think that'd work then give it try, like skype facebook, twitter etc you can be in contact in the evenings or when ever. I had a long distance relationship and we grew apart but it was a fun experience and only do it if use both want it, if not try find another guy that is on campus with you or who would be committed to such a thing

LegacyUser

Thank you all yet again for yer replies! I really do appreciate the replies.

Im feeling more justified in my reasonings now that a long distance relationship can work from ye have said, so I feel a lot better about my thoughts that I was being irrational and naive. Its gutting, because he just doesnt see nor think this. I was willing to give things a go and make things work yet he wasnt. Its frustrating.

Ive gone back to college, really enjoying myself, having so much fun and glad to be back, hes not back yet...I havent spoken nor seen him since (two weeks ago), and to be honest I havent felt too down about it at all cos thats what happened from sept to dec, we just didnt make contact, Im in a good place with things...but he sent me a chat message on facebook the other day, really random, out of the blue, he just said he just wanted to say hi. We spent around 10 mins chatting and then he just logged out! Whats that about? I found it a bit odd tbh...a bit unfair on me I thought?