What do ye think?

LegacyUser

Hey basically I am looking for girls advice on this and a lad's perspective. I am going out with my OH now for nearly a year and we've had a few problems so far that I have discussed with him and he's promised to address. However they same things keep cropping up as problems and now I've been promised " I'll address all these things over the coming months babe". I'm just wondering girls have ye been in this position before and guys, when ye say this are ye just stalling and can you really get someone to venture out of their comfort zones?

dub_3

OP can you give more info on the kinds of issues you're talking about.
also I don't get what the 'comfort zone' bit has to do with it, Please clarify

neveah

Hi OP, I agree with the previous poster that it would be helpful to know a bit more about the issues you are experiencing. However my initial reaction to your post is that you are with him for nearly a year, all relationships need work but if you are trying to 'change' him then my advice would be that you are fighting a losing battle. He is who he is. He may promise that he'll work on things but to be honest I don't think you can change him. You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to put in all this effort for very little return.

That's only my opinion maybe others have had success in their relationships but from my own experience you can't change someone.

Sleepy

You cannot mould a man to be who you want him to be. You take him or you leave him.

Peanut2011

As long as the excuse keeps going and nothing changes in my view (as a man) it's only telling you what you want to hear.

If there are no consequences for not sorting the "things" than what is the point in sorting them?

fungun

Could do with more info alright but sounds like stalling to me

dan_d

Odd choice of words - I'll address these over the coming months.

Obviously, a bit more info would be good.....but I think you need to give this guy an ultimatum. Sounds like he hasn't got much motivation to address anything.Sorry OP.

LegacyUser

I am 22, he's 28. Over the last few years he's had quite a tough family life and has had to move back home. Things are resolved now but he has become less social these days which is difficult for me as I am quite an outgoing person. We NEVER go out and when we do it's only on HIS friends insistence which of course we do, when it comes to me and my friends there is always an excuse. For the first 8 months of our relationship I always had to visit him, he would never come to mine. He spends HOURS on the computer and often makes excuses as to why to turn down meet ups due to this (even though he constantly denies the computers importance). His last girlfriend treated him really badly and messed up his self esteem so I have been trying to make a real effort with him by treating him well and doing nice things for him. My friends think that we are too different and have commented on changes in me since meeting him. Personally I think that partially he has been a calming influence on me and thats good, however I think there should be a little compromise in a relationship. These aren't the only problems but he is a regular user on this and I dont want to be too descriptive in case he reads this and guesses it's me.
What I would like to know is if you were me would you continue to try when it seems you are not getting any reciprocation or would you simply cut your losses as you are both two different?
Thanks

neveah

Well OP at 22 you should be going out and socialising and enjoying life. He is a few years older than you so it may be that he has been there, done that so he doesn't feel the need to be going out as much as you do. However you should be in a relationship that makes you happy and if there are this many things irritating you at this stage then yes you probably do need to ask yourself if you want to continue or should you cut your loses.

One thing I will say, friends and family are usually very perceptive when it comes to their loved ones relationships, I would be inclined to listen to them, especially if they think that the relationship is changing you and not for the better.

Anyway best of luck, I hope it works out for you

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply. I have thought about it alot but am scared to do it because I dont want to hurt him and I do love him. I'm sure I'll sort it. Thanks again

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

We NEVER go out and when we do it's only on HIS friends insistence which of course we do, when it comes to me and my friends there is always an excuse.

Tbh in life, many elements are of a person's own choosing/based on decisions they make. So the "We NEVER go out" as you put it is as a result of BOTH OF YOU agreeing to or tolerating not going out. You are putting up with it and you are in a position to change things. Why don't you go out without him and go out with your friends for a girlie catch up? It's a common mistake with so many people in a new relationship to forget their friends and it's so foolish and short-sighted because they will be there for you through all your relationships.

On another note, let your friends be your guide. While you say in your post, "I have been trying to make a real effort with him by treating him well and doing nice things for him" you don't want to run the risk of being a total doormat either and that comes across in your post truth be told. Ask your friends how they feel you have changed. Ask for examples. While you think he has been a calming influence that's cool but not if it is to the detriment of every other facet of your personality!

Grab some of your independence girl. Go out with your friends. Don't spend every living waking moment pandering to him. Let him miss you when you're away. Right now everything is on his terms which makes the relationship unequal.

LegacyUser

Thanks Miss Fluff, I agree with what you are saying. I know friends are always there and often neglected and that their opinions do count. I am not a doormat, I think I am just being too nice, I do call him out when he's wrong but I always back down which is wrong.

Miss Fluff

Yep, he seems to be calling all the shots and you're willingly facilitating that.

He'll actually respect you more and the relationship will have a better chance of working if you have the confidence to be your own person. It's all about making subtle changes though as opposed to a drastic 180 degree U-turn all of a sudden because chances are then he'd merely put your newly found assertiveness down to PMS-induced hysteria and might not take you seriously :rolleyes: