How to handle a mammys boy?

LegacyUser

any advice welcome... am going out with a very nice guy for years, get on great in all ways, but when i want to talk about any future plans he kind of won't have it. lives with mother and are big family, and i really get the impression he can't imagine moving on from this state. i'm getting on great with all the family, and mother is getting old, but he seems to think it's respectless to bring somebody in the house who could do jobs that mother always used to do. how can i change that attitude?

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, OP, but you'll have to just bite the bullet.

Tell him that you really enjoy his company and have had a lovely time, but that you need to secure your own future so you're making a new start for the new year.

From now on, you'll be looking for a new man with a view to settling down, getting married and having children.

And then follow it through. Don't meet him again. And get out there and start meeting other men. Plan it properly and get support from your friends - it's not easy to start from scratch again.

Either he'll come to his senses, or you'll have started your new life.

Carpe_Diem

I absolutely agree with the previous poster. A momma's boy is bad news, period. You want a man who's stable and independent, not someone who lives with and minds momma after all this time. Stable, mature, healthy people seek their independence and live independently in their late teens, early 20s. When you have someone who hasn't made that break, it's a huge red flag that this isn't a guy you want a relationship with.

You've tried to convince him and he's not having it. Momma wins. Even once she's passed on, you're going to be left with a man who's not independent, doesn't think for himself, isn't the kind of stable, mature man that can be a decent partner.

A man who loves his mother and treats her with respect, yes. A man who lives with and makes his decisions based on momma, no.

ManOfMystery

Afraid I agree with the others. I've read a lot of threads in this forum (and others) from people in similar situations over the years, and I can honestly say I don't recall a single instance where the mammy's boy actually changed his way. Once a mammy's boy, always ............. unfortunately.

Judes

Run as fast as you can - I wasted 6 years of my life on a middle aged mammy's boy - he still lives at home and it's a totally co-dependent situation - she's a widow and depends on him to be her chauffeur, social partner etc. and I was the hated "other woman". He in turns goes home to his nice clean house every day, mammy has dinner ready, he's never had to get out there, get his own place, furnish it - anything - spends his money on whatever gadget/game/hobby he wants and at 45, that's kind of wierd. So if mammy's the big influence in his life - RUN RUN RUN - he won't change - he will avoid adult conversations re. the future - and placate you with what he thinks you want to hear. So in case I wasn't clear enough earlier - get your trainers on and RUN RUN RUN.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice, sounds not good but very true. will try another discussion and then take it or leave it.

Judes

Stay strong - you will get through it - either way! X

LegacyUser

Hope it goes well for you, OP. It's not easy find someone you like and get on so well with.

But it seems plain that he likes having a girlfriend but has no interest in a wife.

All the best. :-)

claireeney

well i had a mammy's boy on my hands once, he's not anymore!!

my circumstances were the key player in this change. i had been with him a year, he was still living at home and i mentioned many many times getting our own place, a bit of independence etc to no avail.

so i found a job and moved away (i told him i was looking for a job and to move away and he didnt take me seriously). so i just turned up one day at his mums and told him, his mum and his whole family matter of factly i was leaving for the big city, thanks for all their hospitality, id see them at weekends. no emotion, just stated the facts and left like there was nothing going to be different.
three days later he arrived up to me with one bag of clothes, apprehensive. the next week another bag came. now we're 9 years together and he sees a healthy amount of his mum. i was very careful not to step into her role either.

they dont realise the freedom they will have! my fella didnt go for the begging and pleading but was hooked when he thought he was missing something and i didnt need him. i had decided that if he didnt follow that i would just let it fizzle out and that'd be the end of it.

may not work for others, just sharing!

Judes

Oh Claireeney you did good! But I have my own home, in another county from the ex - so looking back, I was just his weekend hide-away. I was rarely brought away for weekends or anything - for I was his weekend - but that's all - just his weekends/holidays. He even had the key to my place, still does. He never sent it back. But with me - 45 was too old for him still to be with "mammy" and afraid to move out. He never will. And now I think that somebody up there really was looking out for me! And the OP will get through this too. J X

okiss

If you are going out with some one for years and they are not getting the message that you want to live together/ get married and have a family its time to say good bye.
If they are living with mammy and making no effort to make long term plans with you it not a good sign.
I admire the girl who moved away and he followed her once he knew she was not putting her life on hold any longer.
I know of 2 girls who said good bye to this type of relationship and are now married with families. They say it was hard but it was the best thing they did for themselves long term.