Straight Friends

LegacyUser

Goin unreg for this. Just something small I've been wondering about recently. I'm a gay guy, I'm out, and I've more than plenty of friends (other gay guys, girls, and a handful of straight lads I know from growing up or whatever). Anyway, lately I've started to notice that I have such trouble forming any kind of friendships with straight guys I don't already know. I can just about make idle conversation, but beyond that I sometimes feel like another species. I just feel that we couldnt ever properly understand one another, coming from such different places. I'm not even just talking about our attraction to different sexes, I often find my general interests are completely at odds with those of our heterosexual brethren. Thus, I'd usually be at a loss as to what to be talking about.

Don't get me wrong, girls are great (;)), but I'd like some more straight men in my life. The ones I do have are brilliant, but I've known them for so long that I cant even really remember how we started hanging out.. I suppose when I was younger, sexuality wasnt really an issue so it might have felt easier to 'fit in' with the straight lads. Does anyone else have this problem? Is it typical for a gay man to have a network of straight friends?

Before anyone points out that friends are friends irrespective of gender, that doesnt answer my question. Thanks for reading.

Dr. Baltar

I don't have this problem whatsoever. My group of friends ranges from the most metrosexual guys to skangers and from extreemly girly girls to "i hate men" girls.
Their sexuality doesn't come into it. If I like them, I like them.

Annasopra

I find it very difficult to relate to a lot of straight men - I don't really get them at all

Dr. Baltar

Well, what are your interests? I wouldn't consider myself the "manly man" - I'm more of a nerd, but I certainly am not interested in anyhting that's on MTV or what Rihanna is wearing ect. Most straight men would feel the same.

hare05

I suppose being in college, I'm more likely to meet others with similar interests, regardless of orientation, but I'd class myself as Nerd 2.0.0 (the extra .0 makes a huge difference) and all my straight friends are also, well, nerds.

Maybe you're looking at this the wrong way. Don't think 'straight interests', think 'Rock Music!' or 'Computer Games!' and look for friends with those interests.

At the end of the day, do you really care how many goals Wigan or Spurs score in the premiership?

azezil

hare05 wrote: »

I suppose being in college, I'm more likely to meet others with similar interests, regardless of orientation, but I'd class myself as Nerd 2.0.0 (the extra .0 makes a huge difference) and all my straight friends are also, well, nerds.

Maybe you're looking at this the wrong way. Don't think 'straight interests', think 'Rock Music!' or 'Computer Games!' and look for friends with those interests.

At the end of the day, do you really care how many goals Wigan or Spurs score in the premiership?

^^this says it all. Try relate to people on common interests rather than sexuality and it's not a problem.

I find it more difficult and frustrating to try make gay friends.

rainbowdrop

I have the opposite problem - nearly all my friends are straight! I do have a few lesbian friends that I go out on the scene with occasionally, but they would only be 'friends for going out drinking with'. I don't think I could call to them on a Tuesday for a cup of tea and a chat though:(. They would be 'femme' girls, and although I'm more a 'jeans and a hoodie' kind of person, I feel more comfortable with them than the 'butch' girls on the scene!!

My good friends are just about all straight, and range from hetrosexual couples (married with 2.4 children, a mortgage and a dog), to hippies that live on a communal farm in West Cork! Actually, now I come to think of it, nearly all my friends are either hippies/bikers/alternative kinda people..... But they are all straight at the end of the day, so the whole dating friends-of-friends thing makes it kinda hard for me to meet girls. I still feel more comfortable with them then with other lesbians who are on the scene full time and I feel we have more in common.

baby and crumble

^^^ This is definitely more me. I have very few lesbian friends, just one or 2 i met through work, and tbh sexuality has nothing to do with us being friends, it's because we have a shared interest. I have a few gay male friends, but again, met through mutual interests (like volunteering, etc.). I feel way more comfortable around slightly more feminine girls, because I am one, I just dress a bit more androgenously! (Seriously, I look like I should be hammering dry-wall, when in reality my girlfriend has banned me from having access to tools. It never ends well...)

It would be nice occasionally to have a lesbian friend to chat with, all my best female friends are straight and it'd be nice every now and again not for them to feel they can't talk to me about x because they don't have direct experience of it.

Still, wouldn't change my friends for the world!!

SugarHigh

hare05 wrote: »

I suppose being in college, I'm more likely to meet others with similar interests, regardless of orientation, but I'd class myself as Nerd 2.0.0 (the extra .0 makes a huge difference) and all my straight friends are also, well, nerds.

Maybe you're looking at this the wrong way. Don't think 'straight interests', think 'Rock Music!' or 'Computer Games!' and look for friends with those interests.

At the end of the day, do you really care how many goals Wigan or Spurs score in the premiership?

I don't know why you are so against being friends with people who don't share your interests. It's a good way to find new interests and learn new things, if you only ever talk about your own interests I imagine you wouldn't be very interesting to talk to.

Chuchoter

I'd be the opposite really, I get on well with straight people better than I get on with gay people, but that might be down to my age and the fact that anyone whose out and still in school tends to be like obsessed with being gay. Its like its the most important thing about them, and then any of the girls I've met you can't be friends, you meet them once and its like we're going out now

In terms of common interests, thats really important to me, not everything has to be the same but I like having friends to talk about stuff we're both interested in because otherwise we just end up talking about people we know and it gets very bitchy.

DS333

Gosh... How to reply to this?

Most of my male friends are straight. We get along perfectly well, and it's not that we share a huge number of interests. Yes, the gay thing does come up now and again, mainly due to them, but I don't consciously see them as straight while I'm gay. I just regard them as friendly, interesting people.

Perhaps it's because we're older and have done more - purely because we've been around longer, I hasten to add - and they have families, but we're never at a loss for words.

There always seems to be something to talk about. Then again, I'm afraid that I have the tendency to talk the hindlegs off a donkey.

But, to be brutally honest, I often find it harder to engage gay men in conversation. I won't even go there!:eek:

Perhaps the straight men you meet don't interest you intellectually or challenge you in any way. Perhaps they're downright boring.:pac:

SugarHigh

crayolastereo wrote: »

In terms of common interests, thats really important to me, not everything has to be the same but I like having friends to talk about stuff we're both interested in because otherwise we just end up talking about people we know and it gets very bitchy.

why does it have to be a common interest?

If you talk to people who are passionate about something it can still be interesting and they might even win you over and convince you the topic is interesting.

If you dismiss things because they don't fit your current interests then how will your interests ever change.

LegacyUser

Johnnymcg wrote: »

I find it very difficult to relate to a lot of straight men - I don't really get them at all

Could I ask why?

I don't think there's really much that unifies straight guys in terms of personality.

Do you mean the "beer, women, football" type? If so, then I don't get them either, but they're only a subset (if an irritatingly large one) of straight guys (and probably some gay guys, minus the "women" part) really.

DS333

anonyonyonymous wrote: »

Could I ask why?

I don't think there's really much that unifies straight guys in terms of personality.

Do you mean the "beer, women, football" type? If so, then I don't get them either, but they're only a subset (if an irritatingly large one) of straight guys (and probably some gay guys, minus the "women" part) really.

Yeah, but lots of the beer, women, football types are good fun, if they've got any sense of humour. It's hilarious to hear what it is they like about women when they're being candid, and even more hilarious to hear they're sincere, non-judgemental questions aimed at somebody who's gay. I've had great conversations with such guys. They're often a lot more broad-minded than they're given credit for. And some have surprised me by actually admitting that they do notice which guy is handsome and which isn't, rather than a blanket denial claiming that they never notice what another man looks like, that only girls do such things. There's so much gender-programming out there...

Annasopra

anonyonyonymous wrote: »

Could I ask why?

I don't think there's really much that unifies straight guys in terms of personality.

Do you mean the "beer, women, football" type? If so, then I don't get them either, but they're only a subset (if an irritatingly large one) of straight guys (and probably some gay guys, minus the "women" part) really.

I'm not quite sure myself - Its a bit difficult to explain - When I was in school I was bullied so much that I had no friends at all - when I was in college a lot of my friends were female - I have a lot of friends involved in politics and they are mostly female or gay men - I really don't relate to straight men - I think I don't feel comfortable with them the same way that I feel with women or gay men - In the workplace I have had the same experience I feel much more comfortable being friendly with women or gay men - I think on some levels its kind of a distrust based on school experiences and on other levels its kind of like I assume all straight men are macho sport loving men etc - on the other hand I do get on well with a lot of straight men who have similar interests to me

Aard

I get along much better with straight guys than with gay guys. For one, they tend to care far less about sexual orientation (at least once they know you're not going to hit on them). I've also noticed that a lot of gay people avoid me...

anotherlostie

I'm always slow to make new friends, be they gay, straight, male, female but I wouldn't see that I differentiate between the various categories in any way. In the last year, the majority of new friends would be straight males whereas in the previous couple of years it was probably gay males. My longest term friends are nearly all girls because I found it very hard to make close straight male friends when I was hiding my sexuality.

I do have some gay friends/ acquaintances who say they find it very difficult to meet other gay friends and I know exactly why but I'm reluctant to explain it to them. It's because they immediately want to jump into bed with them. My 'best' gay friends are ones that I've never done the nasty with. And even if I wanted to initially in some cases, I'm now much happier that I didn't try to go there and potentially ruin great friendships.

bodice ripper

I have very few gay friends. In my experience, I really don't seem to get along with lesbians although I don't know why this should be the case. i also despise the scene, and therefor don't meet any more gay people than I just happen to meet in everyday life. Most of my friends are straight men.

stephen_n

I think Hare hit the nail on the head. My friends are usually based around the interests I share with them more so than their sexuality. Sometimes that crosses over as in the case of the rugby team. Funnily enough I have more difficulty forming close friendships with men gay or straight than I do with women though.

ninty9er

crayolastereo wrote: »

I'd be the opposite really, I get on well with straight people better than I get on with gay people, but that might be down to my age and the fact that anyone whose out and still in school tends to be like obsessed with being gay. Its like its the most important thing about them, and then any of the girls I've met you can't be friends, you meet them once and its like we're going out now

These are the most identifiable gays anywhere, they will dominate LGBT societies in colleges etc. I'm friends with a few what you might call "obsessive gays" and they are almost offended that I don't want to go marching down O'Connell Street for Pride. I did go to UL LGBTs "Queerbash" this year and it was great craic. There were plenty of straight guys and girls there. Fine as a one-off but the whole drag act "OMG", in your face campness is as offensive to me as the unimportance of my sexual orientation is to them, in fact I'd say I'd probably get over it if I wasn't the but of loads of jokes and didn't have a drag queen set on me like a dog in heat.

Aard wrote: »

I get along much better with straight guys than with gay guys. For one, they tend to care far less about sexual orientation (at least once they know you're not going to hit on them). I've also noticed that a lot of gay people avoid me...

+1

There comes a point also where making new friends isn't really as regular an occurrence as it once was in everyone's life. You may just have hit that point.

My friends now make a concerted effort to ask me about guys the same way as they would discuss girls with each other. They're nearly more comfortable with it than I am, but I really appreciate the effort. Only lastnight one of the lads who I was in Leaving Cert with was at a 21st in a mutual friend's house when another friend started asking a probing question (it wasn't nasty, just curious) and then it allowed the guy from school to edge in that he'd heard I'm gay and asked how I was finding it (a refreshing change from congrats or well done). A really interesting conversation and even an offer of heading out with himself and his housemate to a few spots in London. His housemate is gay but generally doesn't do gay bars and they have great craic when they're out etc...

Normality, if there is such a thing is what is missing from the "gay culture" IMO, but that's fine. It's just not for me, but I'm not going to go picking friends on the basis of sexual orientation. It's somewhat repugnant to the whole idea of just living a normal life.

Aard

I also enjoy the smugness that goes with the thought that, as a "normal" homo, I'm probably advancing the cause far quicker by infiltrating (!) the straights, than the screaming queens clique-ing together and avoiding any kind of integration, despite (as you said, ninety9er) their being the first to jump at any kind of show-and-tell to the world at large.

DS333

Sadly, there are some who detest straight people and go out of their way to be obnoxios and offensive - the very people who complain that they're not accepted by said straight people. What do they expect?

And they're the ones who give the rest of us a bad name!