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A Summer's Breeze

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  • 08-01-2011 3:14am
    #1
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭


    Something I wrote tonight and would like to get some opinions on it.

    On a summer's breeze I saw you,
    your hair blowing, it's colours so bright and vivid.
    I stood, amazed and in awe, such beauty I have ne'er seen before.
    Your skin so flawless, your eyes a shimmering blue,
    your smooth lips move into a smile and the whiteness of your teeth show.
    Our bodies move closer, your hands moving through my hair;
    my lips press against yours as the world slows to a stop,
    the thumping in my heart quickens, as the passion ever increases.
    Yet in an instant you are gone, like a flickering memory in my minds eye.
    I awake in my bed, alone and forgotten,
    as my hand presses against the cold and untouched pillow,
    where your head should lay.


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    #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    124 views and no comments .. humph.


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    #3
    savina10
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭savina10


    Deleted User wrote: »
    124 views and no comments .. humph.
    K, I'll offer you a humble first - that was going grand until you mentioned the GNASHERS! I actually recoiled and winced. I thought yer one could possibly bite and maybe the smile was a grimace. I suppose you knew you were in trouble at that point.

    Try another one. I'll post one with dodgy imagery in the next hour.Such fun maybe.


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    #4
    savina10
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭savina10


    Deleted User wrote: »
    124 views and no comments .. humph.
    Its past midnight again...

    Why am I fighting to shut down for the night
    Tomorrow is nearly already in sight
    Venus sits at the edge of the moon
    As the wind is beating a miserable tune
    I drag my last breath of the day to a halt
    The last effort I make today is this poor goddamn post
    :P


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    #5
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,186 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    Deleted User wrote: »
    124 views and no comments .. humph.

    It is in giving that we receive. How much feedback have you given yourself?

    I don't normally do poetry, but two words stuck out in an otherwise competent if not wholly original poem. The anachronistic ne'er comes across as pretentious - if it's to save a syllable, ask yourself if you need both amazed and in awe. What does one expression convey that the other doesn't?

    Likewise with bright and vivid

    You move from past to present in line 4 or 5 with no break.

    The use of ever with increases seems out of place - this is action taking place over a period of seconds or minutes, not months or years.

    lay is past tense, lie is present

    Also, be careful with apostrophes. You have it's and minds instead of its and mind's


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