Bereaved sister in arguement

Crea

My sister had a stillborn baby 6 mths ago. She was devestated at the time and had what I would call a breakdown. She had a miscarriage 4 mths after that which was a setback but I think she dealt with it. She has been going to councelling and is on medication. She found Christmas very hard and cried alot before hand.
She has a friend who had a baby (same sex as my sis's baby) 3 weeks after my sis had her baby. Sis rang friend to say congrats but couldn't call over. Friend understood. She has been around friend and her baby but found it very hard. After the miscarriage the friend has been avoiding her. Last night after a few drinks it came out that the friend was annoyed with my sister that she didn't say hello her baby (aged 6 mths) when they met on the street. My sis said that she found it very hard to be around her baby and she'd love to see the friend without him. The friend went mad saying if my sis didn't want to have anything to do with her baby (talk to the baby) then she didn't want to have anything to do with sis. Now there were alot of things said in the heat of the moment and now they are now not talking.
My sister asked what I thought about each of their stances and I just don't know. I can only really see my sisters side and think her friend is a bit precious about the baby. What do people think?
I dunno....

dolliemix

Your poor sister. That is so sad. She is grieving for two babies within a year. She has been pregnant for almost a year and has no baby. Of course, it is very hard for her to see other babies of a similar age to her own. In her own time she will be able to look at her friends child and not feel sadness, but she is understandably not ready now.

I agree, that her friend is wrong, to put this pressure on your sister. She sounds like a very selfish woman. I have no idea why somebody would behave like that. Your sister has done nothing wrong....she is obviously going through horrendous emotional pain, what she needs right now is supportive and caring people around her. I'd tell her to stay away from the friend who has absolutely no empathy with you sister's very tragic situation.

iguana

My heart goes out to your sister, I had an early miscarriage a couple of years ago and I still struggle badly around babies and toddlers. It took me months to be able to spend more than a few seconds with a baby, I used to actually run away from them in the park before that. If I know I'm going to have to spend time with a friends baby, there will be days of tension and stupid arguments with my husband beforehand and days with weeping bouts afterwards. Your sister has suffered so much more, so I can see exactly where she's coming from and if I was a mutual friend I'd telling her friend a few home truths. But I wonder if I would have had that understanding 3 years ago?

If I was to guess at her friend's side I'd figure it is that she sees her baby as the unique person it is, rather than an "object" that would remind your sister of her loss. (It's not a baby, it's John, iykwim?.) And that person is the most important person she's ever met, so she feels protective of it's existence and place in the lives of those she cares for. It's also possibly that her empathy is currently not extending to see how her child, which brings her so much joy, could cause someone else to feel so much hurt.

Crea

Thank you so much for your kind feedback.

Doogieboogie

Oh Goodness. I have some measure of understanding of your sister's pain, my own sister has had multiple miscarraiges and I have had failed IVF treatments - not as bad, I know, but hurtful nonetheless. I also think the friend is being insensitive, but can see that, for her, her child is the most important thing in the universe.
I would suggest that your sister write a letter to her friend explaining just how painful it is for her to be around babies at the moment, and that she understands that her friend wants her to spend time with her child but that she just can't cope with it at the moment. If the friend has any empathy at all, she'll understand; if she doesn't, well then I'm afraid to say that your sister is probably better off in the company of people who will be supportive and sympathetic.
I wish her all the best, losing a baby is horrendous.

Ickle Magoo

I think your sister should cut her losses and find another friend. If her friend knew about her stillbirth and her miscarriage and can't get it into her head why your sister doesn't want to be clucking and cooing over her child then she's a really lousy friend. Really lousy.

Your poor sister. There has to be an equivalent for what some parents are with their offspring as bridezillas are to weddings. :mad:

elbee

OP, so sorry to hear about your sister's losses, I hope she finds the strength to get through it.

In my experience, most people acknowledge that everyone handles bereavement differently, and at different rates. I don't have a lot of time for people who aren't understanding of the fact that everyone recovers in their own time. Six months after the loss of a child is very little, and this girl is demanding your sister be able to cope around a baby exactly the same age as the child she's grieving for? Personally I think your sister is better off without someone that uncompromising.

Iguana makes a really good point about the girl's motives, but even bearing that in mind, she doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy and she seems to have very fixed expectations of people (a sort of 'I don't care if you're not ready, you SHOULD be ready' attitude is coming across from your post) and in general, people like that aren't great to have around when a bereavement happens.

If your sister gets a chance to speak to her, I'd suggest she should say something like 'I'm still grieving and I can't predict how quickly I'll recover from what happened. I'm just not ready to be around babies yet because it's so painful for me. I'm sorry that's difficult for you.' Basically word it in such a way that she doesn't apologise for her own grief but for her friend's inability to handle it.