Boyfriend is broke

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we are talking about moving in together in April. He is a good man, he's 35, has a son from a previous relationship, his own house, he treats me realy well and is always there for me and makes me laugh and feel safe. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. The thing is he's broke. For about 17 years he was a builder and worked for himself for a lot of that time and made quite a bit of money.

He was unfortunate enough to meet someone who basically stole from him, don't want to go into too much detail in case he's recognised. Anyway he still builds but it's not secure and he has another job, not as well paid as before but it's ok. The house has a high mortgage too, about 1000 a month. I earn more than him about 200 euro more a week. My parents struggled when I was growing up and I worked hard to get a career where I wouldn't have to struggle like they did and I don't. I'm worried now that I will though, even though I love him this is in the back of my head. I don't make a super amount of money but enough to not live week to week and I'm really good at saving.

Has anyone been in this situation or similiar? I know a lot of people are struggling at the moment too, I just need some advice or reassurance I guess. I know this may sound selfish but I don't want to have to pick up the slack money wise that was caused by another woman, his ex. Am I being horrible? I'm nearly 30 so I'm not iving with my head in the clouds. I want to marry this man and have chidren with him, I just don't want to have constant money worries.

Thank you

LegacyUser

One thing from your post
"I want to marry this man and have chidren with him"

When you marry it's a partnership with everything, finances, children, housework, shopping..you name it you're both in it together. You either have to accept that if you marry him then you will have to pick up the slack or it's time to walk away now. You also say he owns his own house, are you sure his ex has no interests in the house or you could be walking into a nightmare situation. Some people may advise a prenuptial agreement in relation to finances, I'd suggest that you legally ensure you are included as a co owner of the home if you do marry but don't get a hang up about which one of you is earning the most, it's life. I'm married and my wife doesn't work so I pay for everything, it doesn't bother me, we're a family and that's how it works!

LegacyUser

I really think you need to relax about all this. Six months is far too short a time to make decisions like these - moving in, marriage and children! Please don't rush into things, just enjoy the relationship as it is for another year at least. That way, you get to stay self-sufficient while you get to know each other better, and get to know how you want to handle the situation when it does arise. It's lovely that you have found each other, but your feelings of uncertainty mean it's all happening too soon.

Pique

Selfish? wrote: »

I earn more than him about 200 euro more a week. .... I'm really good at saving.

You love him more than You've ever loved anyone.
You want to have kids with him
He has his own house
You earn c.10k more than him pa.
You're really good at saving.
He's always there for you and makes you laugh and feel safe.

You're afraid that you might struggle financially if you commit to him.

He's better off without you ! You sound more selfish than a very selfish thing.

MrMojoRising

Selfish? wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we are talking about moving in together in April. He is a good man, he's 35, has a son from a previous relationship, his own house, he treats me realy well and is always there for me and makes me laugh and feel safe. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. The thing is he's broke. For about 17 years he was a builder and worked for himself for a lot of that time and made quite a bit of money.

He was unfortunate enough to meet someone who basically stole from him, don't want to go into too much detail in case he's recognised. Anyway he still builds but it's not secure and he has another job, not as well paid as before but it's ok. The house has a high mortgage too, about 1000 a month. I earn more than him about 200 euro more a week. My parents struggled when I was growing up and I worked hard to get a career where I wouldn't have to struggle like they did and I don't. I'm worried now that I will though, even though I love him this is in the back of my head. I don't make a super amount of money but enough to not live week to week and I'm really good at saving.

Has anyone been in this situation or similiar? I know a lot of people are struggling at the moment too, I just need some advice or reassurance I guess. I know this may sound selfish but I don't want to have to pick up the slack money wise that was caused by another woman, his ex. Am I being horrible? I'm nearly 30 so I'm not iving with my head in the clouds. I want to marry this man and have chidren with him, I just don't want to have constant money worries.

Thank you

why is money, and the fact that you earn more than him such an issue?

count yourself lucky that you met someone that you want to be with. Let your other financial worries go by the wayside. Fact is you're both earning. Things will pick up (eventually) and he'll be earning more. Its sad that you should base your relationship on how much he earns

Jack B. Badd

Hi OP, I think some of the previous posts are unfair to you. The "all you need is love" attitude espoused is all very well and good but the fact of the matter is that financial (and other) worries can have an adverse effect on any relationship if not managed properly.

Bear in mind that you've only been seeing your partner for 6 months so the relationship is still in the early stages. With regards to moving in together, why don't you two sit down & work out how much you need to budget if living together (based on shared expenses, e.g. mortgage, bills, food, etc, rather than how much each of you earns). Split it down the middle and each set up a weekly/monthly transfer into a joint account, then pay your expenses from that. Your partner may wish to take your portion of the mortgage payment as rent (as if you were a lodger/tenant) to protect his claim on the house - I'm not sure of the legalities here so he may wish to talk to a solicitor. See how this suits you for the immediate future and you can always re-evaluate if things get more serious later on.

You haven't mentioned whether your partner is good/bad at money management but from the sounds of it he seems quite good & has just fallen on hard times. If so, great - much better to be with someone who has sense regarding money than not. Good luck

Curry Addict

if u really loved this guy money wouldnt be an issue here.

u will have two wages coming in, yet you are looking for reassurance. u need to put this in perspective as a lot of families are struggling on social welfare with big morgages.
he may have some minor baggage to sort out with his x. Its normal to talk these things out and make plans to address them.
overall tho it seems your issue is greed tbh.
u will have much bigger challenges in your life to come.

whatsamsn

Selfish? wrote: »

... I know this may sound selfish ......

Sure, yes its selfish that you are placing money before love in one view. After all whats being with a rich man but with no love? but he is still at least working, Being unemployed would be different.

But what you are saying is what hundreds of thousands of women take into consideration (more even?). So are you really selfish or just being honest? Personally 'all you need is love' doesnt seem to apply much these days :rolleyes: Dare I say, especially with the female gender more so than the male.


But as another user said you are only dating him 6 months. Too soon to be talking about moving in, albeit in April. Sure you'll only be with him 10 months at that time. Apart from money worries you dont know where the relationship might turn too. So best advice is not to move in so soon and see what happens.

ztoical

oopsIdiditagain wrote: »

When you marry it's a partnership with everything, finances, children, housework, shopping..you name it you're both in it together. You either have to accept that if you marry him then you will have to pick up the slack or it's time to walk away now.

Have to disagree, my parents did not share everything. My mother never liked this view of once married everything was suddenly 50/50. She started and ran her own business. It belonged to her and had nothing to do with my dad. She worked her ass off and didn't see why she should pay for my dad blowing money on stupid things. They had a joint account for joint bills but they kept their own bank accounts and that worked for them.

It can be easy to be distracted by the whole "Ooo we are in love" side of a relationship but the reality is that marriage is as much a legal situation as a romantic one. Also they have been dating 6 months, while the OP might feel this way now people often say you don't know someone till you live with them and another 6 months from now she might not feel the same. Why should she take on 50% of the BF's debts at this stage? If she's living in the house then yes she should pay her share but should the OP be paying things like 50% of the maintenance for the BF's son?

oopsIdiditagain wrote: »

I'm married and my wife doesn't work so I pay for everything, it doesn't bother me, we're a family and that's how it works!

That's how it works for you, there is no set rules about how anyones relationships work. Everyone needs to find their balance. There is alot of baggage here as the BF has a son but the OP does not stay if he was married to the sons mother or if they were just in a relationship that needs to cleared up so she knows legally what happens regarding any assets if something happens.

OP alot of people on here are going to tell you are selfish but you know you and you know your relationship. Is it worth having a sit down and taking things through with your BF? You mention some of the issues he had regarding money being stolen etc but you don't really talk about his view on it. Is he embarrassed about his situation or does it not bother him? You might have very different views on money...like you said you saw your parents struggle and don't want to repeat that but that doesn't mean he views things the same.

metrovelvet

He may not always be broke. You may not always be flush. Tides turn.

Loyalty shouldn't.

LegacyUser

Sorry to be a bit skeptical here.
He tells you what happened with his ex.....is there anyway of backing this up....maybe to hear her side of the story?

Its just that I have heard a lot of women/men saying about their ex's...."oh they did this and that" to their current partners....and it turns out there was a valid reason why the ex split eg. partner turned out to be a conman or sociopath.

Not to make you paranoid, if you are thinking of marrying this guy, make sure that you are making a judgement on fact and not just what this guy tells you....e.g. "this person stole money from him".

To be sure to be sure.....

Corkgirl210

Money doesnt make you happy... do you really think that 300 euro extra on his part a week would make you deleriously happy? Your old enough to know better.. enjoy the relationship and concentrate on what he has to offer you i.e. emotionally/mentally/spiritually etc.. and not just FINANCIALLY! I think you are the one with a shortfall.. lets hope you have other pro's that balance the selfishness out..

you have a roof over your head, you have electricity, you have each other, you have food in your fridge.. you have alot to be grateful for.. and your way richer than millions out there - especially those who are starving across the world!! by the time you have read this.. some child somewhere would have died of hunger.. it is good to have some gratitude and humility..

wish you both well for the future..:)

LegacyUser

OP, take it gently.

It's all very well for everyone to put the burden of love and sacrifice on you at such an early stage. But you already know that struggling for money can put a relationship under severe strain, bring up deep-down fears and start ferocious arguments.

It's too soon to put your new relationship under that strain, you don't want it falling apart before it's had a chance to grow roots. At six months, you should be having fun, not taking on burdens.

And to be honest, at six months, he's still a relative stranger! Now is the time to discover each other and strengthen what you have and see if you survive the first year - many relationships don't.

Distorted

You haven't really provided the information that proves he's broke. From first reading, his ownership of a house makes up for his lower salary - he must have paid the deposit on it and some of the mortgage payments. He's only "broke" if he hasn't been keeping up the mortgage payments and has slipped into arrears. True, there might be negative equity, but this doesn't make him broke as long as he keeps up the payments. You earn more than him but presumably don't have a property.

If he was keeping up the mortgage payments and had no arrears, despite having to take a lower paid job in the recession, I would say he is quite a good bet. As long as if you do move in and contribute financially to the mortgage payments, you get your name added onto the title deeds and the mortgage papers. Don't do it otherwise.

If he has arrears, I would tend to stay living apart until he sorts this out. I'd also be concerned by any stories of people stealing money from him (did he go to the gards about this? If not, why not?) and of problems caused by ex-girlfriends. Some people seem to attract an unusually high amount of bad luck and you have to question whether it is indeed bad luck that causing it.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

You haven't really provided the information that proves he's broke. From first reading, his ownership of a house makes up for his lower salary - he must have paid the deposit on it and some of the mortgage payments. He's only "broke" if he hasn't been keeping up the mortgage payments and has slipped into arrears. True, there might be negative equity, but this doesn't make him broke as long as he keeps up the payments. You earn more than him but presumably don't have a property.

If he was keeping up the mortgage payments and had no arrears, despite having to take a lower paid job in the recession, I would say he is quite a good bet. As long as if you do move in and contribute financially to the mortgage payments, you get your name added onto the title deeds and the mortgage papers. Don't do it otherwise.

If he has arrears, I would tend to stay living apart until he sorts this out. I'd also be concerned by any stories of people stealing money from him (did he go to the gards about this? If not, why not?) and of problems caused by ex-girlfriends. Some people seem to attract an unusually high amount of bad luck and you have to question whether it is indeed bad luck that causing it.

Hi, OP here again.

Thanks to everyone for their comments.

Distorted yes he is in arrears, about 20k to be exact. Basically without going into too much detail, he built the house himself when he found out his ex was pregnant. Both their names are on the deeds. Before it was finished she cheated on him, he tried again for sake of the child but she cheated again so he ended it. She has never lived in the house. Anyway she came around with a property dealer one day who told her what house was worth and she took my boyfriend for a very, very sizeable sum of money and all before house was finished. He was paying mortgage on his own and renting somewhere else so he re mortgaged the house. He sees that this was probably not the best option but he built it with his own hands and there was a lot to consider.

I'm not going to sign my name to anything as I don't want this debt but when I move in I would be paying rent so to speak which would obviously help him. He has been making payments all along but obviously can't keep up with them fully.

metrovelvet

Sorry but that doesnt add up. If he was paying most of the mortgage or all of the mortgage she would not have been able to take him to the cleaners especially as she never lived in the house and were not married.

gagiteebo

metrovelvet wrote: »

Sorry but that doesnt add up. If he was paying most of the mortgage or all of the mortgage she would not have been able to take him to the cleaners especially as she never lived in the house and were not married.

Yes but OP states the name of the ex was on the title deeds to house. She would have been able to get money from him. If I gather correctly she wanted him to sell house and split the money but he didn't want to because he built it himself etc so he had to pay her off.

metrovelvet

gagiteebo wrote: »

Yes but OP states the name of the ex was on the title deeds to house. She would have been able to get money from him. If I gather correctly she wanted him to sell house and split the money but he didn't want to because he built it himself etc so he had to pay her off.

That still doesnt make any sense. If he was paying for the house the courts would not just hand over half the house to someone else, name on deeds or not.

Unless the money came out of a joint account where he could not prove it was just him paying for it, but then there would have to evidence there that money from her was going into that account and out towards the mortgage.

Lets say you and I buy a house together, our names are on the deeds. I end up paying most or all of the mortgage. Name on deeds or not, you are not entitled to half the sum of the value of the house and no judge would give it to you.

gagiteebo

metrovelvet wrote: »

That still doesnt make any sense. If he was paying for the house the courts would not just hand over half the house to someone else, name on deeds or not.

Unless the money came out of a joint account where he could not prove it was just him paying for it, but then there would have to evidence there that money from her was going into that account and out towards the mortgage.

Lets say you and I buy a house together, our names are on the deeds. I end up paying most or all of the mortgage. Name on deeds or not, you are not entitled to half the sum of the value of the house and no judge would give it to you.

Maybe they didn't go throught the courts and he gave it to her? Hence why he probably feels robbed and rightly so imo. Similiar thing happened to my friend's boyfriend. He bought a house when girlfriend got pregnant, she cheated, they broke up and she got 80k out of him. It wasn't half the house but still a substantial sum. A car was included in that 80k though.

metrovelvet

gagiteebo wrote: »

Maybe they didn't go throught the courts and he gave it to her? Hence why he probably feels robbed and rightly so imo. Similiar thing happened to my friend's boyfriend. He bought a house when girlfriend got pregnant, she cheated, they broke up and she got 80k out of him. It wasn't half the house but still a substantial sum. A car was included in that 80k though.

If the girlfriend was paying for the mortgage too, than fair enough. But if she wasnt, then your friend is stupid. He basically GAVE the money to her.

gagiteebo

metrovelvet wrote: »

If the girlfriend was paying for the mortgage too, than fair enough. But if she wasnt, then your friend is stupid. He basically GAVE the money to her.

She wasn't paying the mortgage and my initial reaction was the same as yours, he was stupid, but that was very easy for me to say. I wasn't in the middle of it all, there was a child involved, he's a good, decent man, he's paying for it now though, Doing the right thing doesn't always bring luck.

Peanut2011

Do that hard working man a favour! Just leave him!

Sorry but you have come across as very very selfish and monetary orientated that no matter what he has or does not have he would be better off without you.

If you say you love him, than you take him as he is not thinking if he has or has not got any money! Love is about helping each other trough good and bad times.

What you effectively are saying is that you would not even be here is he was rich!

I think enough said!

fungun

6 months in I wouldnt be worrying about this stuff.

But imo when you marry someone, you marry them warts and all. And that includes his debt if thats his wart.

PS Call me a sexist pig ("you're a sexist pig!") but I have to say I see a lot more women worried about earning more than their partners than vice versa. I know its probably a newish issue and people were talking about men having to get used to it but women do, too.

stovelid

Just find a richer man. It sounds like you would be much happier.

okiss

I worked with a girl a few years ago - she moved into her boyfriends house and give him thousands they broke up and she got nothing back from him.
Another girl I knew had to get money from her parents to get rid of the boyfriend from the house she brought and he then decided that he co owned it because he give her money towards the bills.
You going out with this guy 6 months - don't move in with him yet.
If you move in get your name on the mortgage and household bills that you have some form of payback if things go wrong and have a bank account in your own name that these bills are paid from.
Some people on this site say money is not important but it can cause a lot of problems if you don't talk about it and look after own financial future.

Canluum

I'm heartened to see some of the responses here.

I wonder if the genders were reversed what would be the feeling? In an age where men and women have equal earning potential, a man who complains of a female partner's low income is often shamed. Yet some women feel no odds talking about walking over financial security, even though they are earning....

okiss wrote: »

I worked with a girl a few years ago - she moved into her boyfriends house and give him thousands they broke up and she got nothing back from him.
Another girl I knew had to get money from her parents to get rid of the boyfriend from the house she brought and he then decided that he co owned it because he give her money towards the bills.

And how many men does this happen to that you don't hear about? A significantly higher proportion I would suggest. It's not a gender specific issue...


I'm all for finding a partner with their life together, or who at least have the character for it... but OP, if you're going to have a problem with his lack of income you're going to take it out on him passive-aggressively. Though verbally you may be the perfect little actor, you'll emasculate him with your facial expression etc. as you reach for your wallet and he'll... feel... rubbish. Even when I was mostly supporting my ex, anytime I let her pay for anything it was like I was pushing her to give me a kidney (god in retrospect she was ungrateful).

sbsquarepants

I don't see the problem here. He's working away, he's paying his bills. What's the problem? Apart from your own greed that is?
Sounds to me like you're the weak link.
You don't love someone or not based on their bank balance, your attitude is disgusting!

LegacyUser

I presume he is paying maintenance also? I don't think you are being selfish at all op, just mature and realistic.

Like you, I grew up with financial instability, and place a high value on solvency and financial literacy. So, no, if I were you, I would not get further emotionally invested in this relationship.

LegacyUser

hi, OP, i can understand ur worries and i found some of the comments here are not fair. esp. they dont know your grow-up background, they dont know the harshness you suffered before under poverty of your parents.

but, if he is a good man as you said, and you love him and he loves you, you will regret to let him go because of the money issue. Love is to bear the risk. fear not.

if he is lazy and happy to be on the dole forever, that's another story.

but he is working hard, and he did once have good times. every one has ups and downs in life. he will have his turn back. and btw, you dont need his money, do you? you are financially independent.

all you need to do is to ask for a fair share if you guys move in together. but better now at this times when you have loads of doubts. obviously, you are not ready.