Overweight and insecure guy

Pluck81

Hi All

This is my first time posting here. I am just looking for advice about improving my self image. I am in my late twenties am overweight and feel that I look hideous. Over the past year i have managed to shed about 3 stone and while the body is a work in progress, the mind still tells me that I am a pig. When I go out with my friends I never make an effort to chat to women unless they chat to me as i am terrified of being laughed at. When a lady initiates a conversation with me I do ok but in the back of my mind i think she is only talking to me out of pity. I have been told that i am a nice genuine person by some women but I still can't see past the layers of flab. Could anybody help me at all?

CorkMan

What you have at the moment is your current belief system. I was up to 23.5 stone at one time and looked very overweight. I am 19.5 stone ATM but very broad. I don't look obese.

I would recommend affirmations to improve your self-image. Say to yourself "I approve of myself" 300 times a day for a month, and see the confidence flowing in. I say affirmations to myself all the time, ie "I am worthy" or "I am perfect", I can say one of those 2 times every second.

In the length of a long song, ie 8 minutes, I can give myself almost 1000 affirmations. Doing this repeatedly over months alters your belief systems. It becomes a part of you after a while.

Dowdy20

3 stone is a great achievement by anyones standard. so be proud of that fact.
your thought process needs to change try and focus on the good that you have done and not the negative. you have girls coming up and talking to you. most lads i know could only dream of it ha.

chin up man enjoy the good that your doing and forget the negative things. even having the drive and motivation to get up and change what you don't like is a lot to be proud of.

As for the girls just go have a chat and have some fun. its easy talk to them. just most lads believe talking to a woman involves cheesy chat up lines. you have done a lot to be happy about. now go enjoy it as best you can.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Well we can't tell if you are still fat or its in your head.

What weight/height are you?

Lifting weights pretty much makes every guy look much better in a matter of weeks

SirDelboy18

3 stone is a great achievement. Congrats and keep it up. I also echo a previous comment about weights. If you aren't lifting them, then start.

In terms of women, playing out negative hypothetical scenarios in your head is detremental to your mental health. We live in a civilised society, most girls will respond politely to your approach, even if they aren't interested.

Try to just start approaching women, one step at a time. Get used to making small talk with others first and so-on.

Most of the time, in an approach, you have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain

mrpink6789

Dude fair play on the weightloss, also corkman fair play!

I know exaclty where you are coming from as I was like you, over 21 stone, I did have a lot of confidence but not when it came to chatting up women. I started off slow, dieting and walking until I got enough confidence to join a gym, about 18 stone I think. Now I'm just under 14 stone and do a lot of weights and my confidence has soared, even have a great girlfriend for the last few months. Dude just keep at it and the confidence will come trust me!

Best of luck

Pluck81

Thank you all . I will try out those affirmations. I walk a lot and that is how I managed to shift the weight but do not have the confidence to visit a gym. I am way too self conscious for that but may consider weightwatchers. As I said it is not just my weight but also my self esteem and confidence that are the problems. It is like the perfect storm. As for my height/weight I am about 5ft 7 or 8in and about 21 stone so am a human beach ball.

mrpink6789

dude you have lost 3 stone, thats a massive achievement, i know you think you have a mountain to climb but just stick with it. you can do weight watchers online if you dont want to go to the meetings. YOU WILL get to the point where you will build your confidence, its going to take time and there are days you will think you cant do it anymore but just KEEP AT IT and it will pay off.

SirDelboy18

Why don't you try starting a food diary?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1010

It'd be of good help I'd imagine

LegacyUser

Well done! 3 stone is brilliant!! You should be proud.

I did the same last year. Lost 3 stone with weightwatchers since July (ready for another year and losing another 3 stone now :P ) and find it brilliant. It's pretty easy to follow and it helps you concentrate just going week to week so it doesnt seem like such a huge battle. I mean losing a pound or two a week doesnt seem half as difficult as 4 stone in a year.....or maybe thats just my mindset!

Regarding girls, your confidence will get there in time. You should go with it, you'd never know, one of them might catch your interest

Katgurl

Well done op, three stone is brilliant. If you've got this far on your own imagine what you can achieve with some help. Definitely join weightwatchers, if you're living in Dublin there are two men-only classes advertised on their website. All classes are unisex however, they just attract a lot of (newly slimmed and healthy) women which might be an added bonus if you need practice talking to the ladies.

As for the gym, I don't think anyone in the world didn't feel intimidated the first time they walked into a gym. I know I nearly bottled it and wanted to do a uturn after I walked in. But now I love any gym, anywhere, not because I'm in perfect shape but because I enjoy the workout, it's some time to spoil myself. Gyms in reality are not full of Adonis but full of a mixture (like weightwatchers groups) of other beginners, people on their way and people who have achieved their goals and who are maintaining. Drop by reception and explain you're interested in possibly joining, an instructor will then take you around the facilities and show you everything. If you do join explain you are new to this, they will be doing you up a program anyway and schedule time to be shown how to use all the equipment. Make sure however that the gym is accessible to the rest of your daytoday stuff, the biggest barrier IMO is inaccessibility.

Lastly, make an effort to talk to all girls in all walks of life. I'll even give you a tip - us females love talk about ourselves, so ask lots of questions even seemingly ridiculous ones. And make NO selfdeprecating remarks.

Monkey Allen

Plenty of women like a large man. Thats not meant to sound rude btw. However, theres plenty of women of the larger size who are probably feeling just as insecure as you. Perhaps you'd consider a larger lady? Up to you on what you're attracted to.

You're weight is most likely a health concern and fair play for doing something about it. But, your situation is dwarfed by those who are wheelchair bound or disformed in some way which gives them an insecurity with approaching women too.

LegacyUser

Katgurl thank you for the tips on talking to girls. If I get a bit more confidence i will give them a try. Monkey there is no offence taken by your post. I understand that there is people in worse situations than me but I am genuinely not looking for sympathy from anyone. I came on here because it is anonymous, as I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends or family about these issues.

Pluck81

Thanks katgurl for the advice. If i get more confidence I will give your tips on talking to ladies a try. Monkey I don't take offence to your post at all. I understand my problems are minor compared to other peoples but I am genuinely not looking for sympathy. I came on here for some advice because it is anonymous and I don't feel comfortable talking about this with my family and friends.

Monkey Allen

Well it certainly wasn't meant to be offensive. My take on things like this is, if someone has a far bigger problem than you, you don't really have a problem. Might sound insensitive but I usually find it as a means to reassure myself whenever I feel down. You actually have the ability to chat women up, some people physically can't. If you can, then you can. Don't let a fear get in the way of a good time. You might even enjoy the buzz the fear can give you.

Pluck81

No offence Monkey but you sound a bit down yourself. I know in the grand scheme of things my problem is minimal and I agree it could be worse off, but when it is engrained in your mind it is a problem. I am trying to improve my self image day by day by shifting the pounds but my head is where most of the problems lie. I am taking some of the advice from these posts (including yours) and am trying to start conversations with women so thank you.

LegacyUser

OP well done, thats an amazing accomplishment. Keep working at your weight, your general day to day living will improve and your confidence in yourself will come in time too.

I am not overweight but I had terrible confidence in myself resulting from years of mental/physical abuse. I went to a counsellor and she told me to try looking in the mirror and looking at myself and saying a compliment to myself each time. It could be anything at all, but it had to be positive and it had to be something that I believed. For a long while I felt stupid, my head would tell me I was being ridiculous, but over time, I learned to push the negative thoughts out and focus on the positive aspects of myself. I was so sick and tired of downing myself that it was actually a relief to feel good about me. Now I can look in the mirror and say "your a bit of all right" and believe what I'm saying. When a negative thought pops in my head, I just turn it around i.e I would think Im ugly, but then I would think its not me that is ugly but my attitude towards me that is ugly and I dont need to think like that.

This might not help you in your situation, and people may think its silly, but I actually couldn't look in the mirror at all and now I can look at me and be proud. And it was just being nice to me that helped.

Keep up the great work with your weight, and should you ever gain the confidence to join a gym or weight watchers, just remember that everyone is there for the same thing (to improve their body/health). No one will judge you (if your worried about that) and it may give you the opportunity to meet someone outside of the pub scene, or give you some confidence conversing with women.

Goodluck

Monkey Allen

Pluck81 wrote: »

No offence Monkey but you sound a bit down yourself. I know in the grand scheme of things my problem is minimal and I agree it could be worse off, but when it is engrained in your mind it is a problem. I am trying to improve my self image day by day by shifting the pounds but my head is where most of the problems lie. I am taking some of the advice from these posts (including yours) and am trying to start conversations with women so thank you.

Nope, I'm not. Just thought thaat you needed to approach your situation with a more positive attitude and by dealing with some facts such as how big or small your issue is. I dont know how big you see your problem or how big it actually is. But you can make it a pretty insignificant issue with very little effort.

LegacyUser

I have to say well done on the 3 stone, I myself understand how hard it is to lose weight and think you did great, I am a female in the same boat as you but and I to have decided to do something about it. I have taken up classes in my local gym and am joining weight watchers this week, I have lost no weight yet as just started but I WILL.

I think you need to have more of a positive mental attitude! Look into the mirror each morning and say "I have a positive mental attitude" it works for me. You have lost 3 stone already so you can definitely lose another stone and then another stone, you are on the right track.

As for the way you feel in social situations and talkin to girls, I can relate, although I don't have a problem talkin to guys and that but I do feel hugh and feel like if anyone looks at me its because I'm so fat and they are judging me, this is probably not the case but its how i feel.

Alot of girls will go for a guy who is nice and kind and lots of girls dont have an issue with weight, a friend of mine is tall, very slim and very pretty her boyfriend is shorter than her and very chubby and she is mad about him, each eye forms its own beauty and all that.

Anyway when talking to girls just be yourself, try not to think so many negitive thoughts and just let it flow naturally.

Pluck81

Sameboat thank you for the kind words. It is nice to know that someone is going through the same struggles as I am. I hope you can lose the weight that you want to . I am joining weightwatchers myself but may do it online as I don't feel comfortable enough yet to face the public but fair play to you. I could get a few lessons in confidence from you. You are right about social situations, I am the same as you in feeling I am being judged everytime I go out but it is something we will both have to work on.

Loveyourself, I am sorry for what happened to you in the past, my problems pale in comparison to yours and if you ever want to talk about them, drop me a private message. I am lucky that I have never experienced physical abuse but have experienced some bullying.

Pluck81

Hey everyone

I am just back to thank you all for the advice. I have lost a bit more weight since posting on here last. I bought pants before xmas and they were a snug fit but now are noticeably looser on me and that is something I thought I would never say:)

I signed up to weightwatchers today but am doing it at home because I am still a bit apprehensive about the meetings. People have even started to notice that I am losing weight and that is good for the self-esteem. Even the confidence I lacked is starting to manifest itself in ways. I walk taller and smile a lot more. I know it is only the first step on a long arduous journey but it is a step in the right direction for me.:D

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Thats great news! keep up the good work, you are on the right road. Keeping going because you'll be so proud of yourself when you achieve those goals you are aiming for!!

Well done

Pluck81

Hey All

I'm Back. Weightwatchers is the bomb. 5 stone down and 14 inches off my waist since feb. Had to buy trousers twice since then too. Confidence is up and I smile a lot more. Even had a date the other night. Still have a bit to go but the future is looking bright compared to a few months ago.

thanks to everyone on here for advice, legends one and all

Roselm

Hey, wow! Well done. Hope the date went well!

Tmeos

Thats fantastic - well done! Theres a WW thread in the nutrition and diet forum if you want to talk points!

mrpink6789

good on you dude! fair play!

robman60

Great job! I hope the date went well, I'm sure it will be the first of many!:)

Eve_Dublin

Fantastic news! When the confidence is up, the ladies cometh! Good luck!

G-Money

Pluck81 wrote: »

Hey All

I'm Back. Weightwatchers is the bomb. 5 stone down and 14 inches off my waist since feb. Had to buy trousers twice since then too. Confidence is up and I smile a lot more. Even had a date the other night. Still have a bit to go but the future is looking bright compared to a few months ago.

thanks to everyone on here for advice, legends one and all

You've lost 5 stone since Feb? Jeez, well done. Am trying to shed weight myself at the mo so I know how tough it can be. As the saying goes, it's simple but not easy.

Good luck!

FoxT

Well done, OP, You clearly have good discipline & motivation, and you have achieved a great deal. Take some time out to congratulate yourself, you deserve it.


I am by no means a casanova - In fact, I am not even close...so I cant offer you the magic potion on the hookup front - but - women are people, just like us men. Women like a sense of humour, feeling special, being listened to, just like us men do. Contrary to media portrayals, Neither women nor men will automagically gravitate toward the person in the room with the tightest bod - most of us are 'average', and most of us end up in relationships with 'average' people. Of course, these 'average' people are, indeed, special - just like you are..and don't you forget it!

Best of luck, FoxT

Pluck81

Thanks everyone, the date went well she was a nice girl. I relaxed the points for that night as i wanted to enjoy myself this weekend I will be doing the same as I am going out for my birthday. People have to live too. If there is anyone on here going through the same struggles as me, I would recommend weightwatchers without hesitation.

Pluck81

hey all

back for another update. you are probably sick of me by now but have to share. I am 7 stone down now. found out this morning. I weigh a respectable 14 stone now. am over the moon.

Thanks everyone for the advice and good wishes

Johnny Favourite

Nice one mate. you must be delighted. Good luck with the ladies too....

Maple

That is fantastic OP, well done.

neuro-praxis

How wonderful. Delighted for you.

Leeg17

Delighted for you OP, well done

catch me if you can

well done for the weightloss, wow 7 stone is amazing
personally im a lady! and i like big guys. Skinny guys do nothing for me. so really dont worry and try and relax. I know plenty of women who feel the same as me.
Its not the weight thats unattractive, its being underconfident. Work on your confidence and i bet you will meet loads of ladies. just think 7 stone ago you were 21 stone. you never want to be that weight again. your now 14 stone .and thats a great weight for a guy. and dont aim to be skinny your weight now is bang on. just aim to be healthy and more energetic.

Wolfe Tone

Seriously thats very very impressive! Great work!

Ickle Magoo

Well done OP - that's no mean feat.

As you no longer require any advice, I'm locking the thread.

Wish you all the best - and keep up the good work!