Advice Needed Please

confused21

Hi Girls,
I know this probably seems ridiculous but it's something that is getting me down and I'd like advice please. I'm with my boyfriend over a year and madly in love with him. He owns his own house and I rent a room. I stay over in his between 3-5nights a week. We get on brilliantly, and have so much fun. I'm getting annoyed staying in his and packing an overnight bag all the time. He never comes to mine..his view is he owns his house and we have privacy there which I also agree.

I literally live 2 minutes away. I'm fed up paying for rent when I could move in with him and help him pay his expensive mortgage. Recently I was complaining about the cold in my house and he felt bad. He turned around to me one night saying I deserve better and that I'm too good for him...I was thinking he had cheated on me. He went on to say he doesn't think he'd be able to every commit himself 100% to me or anybody else. This really hurt. He said he should be jumping through hoops for me and begging me to move in but he doesn't know why. I told him I didn't want to see him until he made up his mind. Within a day he said he loved me and wanted a future with me that he'd love to marry me and have kids!

The problem....He owns his house with his ex, he was with her a few years. The relationship ended badly. She doesn't pay the mortgage and doesn't live there. He would love to live with me but said I can't as if she found out she'd make his life hell. What upsets me is how I have to suffer in all of this and we can't move our relationship forward because of her. I do understand where he is coming from but as far as I can see they can't rent the house as they wont get enough rent. He wont let me move in because of her and her feelings even though she hurt him. Am I over reacting? How long should I hang around and accept this? I really could do with some advice. Sorry for the long post.

Plenty

It's clear that his ex is holding him back. The baggage of the past has to be let loose before both of you can comfortably move on in your relationship. It's not easy, I get that. It take a lot of guts and strength, physically, mentally and emotionally to stand up and take control and create a future you both want and deserve.

stoneill

Or else he's doing you Mon-Fri and doing her Sat-Sun.

Wibbs

More suited to here

confused21

Plenty wrote: »

It's clear that his ex is holding him back. The baggage of the past has to be let loose before both of you can comfortably move on in your relationship. It's not easy, I get that. It take a lot of guts and strength, physically, mentally and emotionally to stand up and take control and create a future you both want and deserve.

Thanks for replying plenty. I thought that alright about the ex but he doesn't have any contact with her. The last time was about September to go to a solicitor. He said he can't stand her etc. I have to take his word for it. I just keep getting confused as one minute he's full on the next he's laid back. How can he say he wants marriage and kids etc and then be so cool. It's hard work for me mentally as half the time I don't know what he is thinking. How do we move on and get rid of the baggage? I just don't know if I can keep going not knowing when our relationship will move forward of if it will. I'm 26 and not getting younger! I know I'm young still but don't want to me wasting my time either!

NoDice

stoneill wrote: »

Or else he's doing you Mon-Fri and doing her Sat-Sun.

That was a horrible thing to say. The poor girl is probably freaked out of her head and you had to throw that in for your own little giggle?

confused21

Wibbs wrote: »

More suited to here

Thanks:)

rtunes

Sorry but I think this guy is very unsure about your future together. It's not supposed to be that hard. What the hell does the ex have to do about it! Think about it as if a friend of yours was in the same situation.

confused21

NoDice wrote: »

That was a horrible thing to say. The poor girl is probably freaked out of her head and you had to throw that in for your own little giggle?

Haha! Thanks NoDice! Atleast I'm not insecure otherwise I would be thinking that but I can say 100% he isn't cheating!:rolleyes:

confused21

rtunes wrote: »

Sorry but I think this guy is very unsure about your future together. It's not supposed to be that hard. What the hell does the ex have to do about it! Think about it as if a friend of yours was in the same situation.

That's what I think and I'm open minded about it. The reason I've posted here is because my friends would be biased so needed opinions from others. I agree with you that it's not supposed to be hard. I mean if he's saying I'm the girl he wants to marry what's the problem? I don't want to marry him right now! Just think it makes perfect sense to live together! I don't even talk to him about it anymore. But it's getting me so down. I try not to let it affect me but I can't help it!

rtunes

You're affected by it because your gut is telling you something is wrong. And it is. He doesnt know what he wants and is stringing you a long until he figures it out. Not saying he is a bad guy - he is just confused. Nothiing you can do will make him figure it out any quicker so don't try and change to suit him. Please think about your own interests here. He should be delighted to have you in his life and if he wanted to marry you he would go out of his way to make sure it happens. He isnt doing that. You deserve more. Please think and act like that over the next 2 weeks and see what happens. Be strong.

Plenty

Hi Confused21. I'm assuming the only connection he has with his ex is the house and here are no kids involved, yeah (even though the contact is indirect and through solicitors only)?

With the lack of funds across the board, it's probably not the best time for me to bring something as obvious as him buying the ex's share of the house.

or

you buying her share (you wouldn't have any contact with her about it, it's all done through your solicitor)

or

selling the house.

They are big decisions. Drastic others might say. relationships shouldn't be hard. It's just unfortunate that some relationships take more work than others.

rtunes

I don't think you should be making decisions like buying the share of the house with him if he doesn't even want you to move in with him now because " if she found out she'd make his life hell"

He is hardly going to agree to that. Bigger issues here.

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP, I think the ex thing is a red herring. I think he likes things just as they are and has no real intentions of developing it but just wants to maintain the situation as it currently is. The ex-will-go-psycho story is just a convenient excuse.

The 'too good for you' speil is 'man speak' trying to let you know in a nice way that he doesn't want the same things as you IE marriage and kids.

Edit; just read you are 26, is he significantly older?

Another thing is, if the ex and himself own the house together, depending on the housing market, as long as her name is on the title deeds she is entitled to half the equity out of the house. So I would not under any circumstances help pay the mortgage there, it's totally against your own interests.

At the moment you can stay there free 3 or 4 days a week. Yes you have to pay rent but you need somewhere to fall back on, because he's told you loud and clear he's not for taking a wife.

Yes, he did weaken after a small stand off and tell you he loved you and wanted kids but his actions say otherwise. You always need to look at a persons actions for their meaning, not their words. Another thing, changing of mind back and forth (mixed messages) usually means no.

You don't say how long you are going out OP? Or the age difference, if it is a significant time that things have been this way then I doubt you will be getting what you want.

Miss Fluff

I smell a rat in this situation. Something doesn't quite add up. How can his ex make his life hell for him when there has been no contact between them? And why is he so hung up on what she thinks? How long ago did they split up? Are they definitely no longer in touch? And I would NEVER trust a man who within 24 hours goes from saying he would never be able to commit to me to saying he wants to marry me and have kids with me? I mean really???:eek: Words like that are empty and if he means it then you'd know about it. He evidently doesn't.

It seems quite clear here that he doesn't know what he wants but, as another poster pointed out, is happy to string you along until he decides what that is.

You're only 26 so you've not reached relic status just yet. And you're only going out for a year. To me it looks like he hasn't quite gotten over the ex and while that's still the case it means that there are in fact three of you in the relationship and that's not a healthy start if you are planning to live with him.

confused21

Plenty wrote: »

Hi Confused21. I'm assuming the only connection he has with his ex is the house and here are no kids involved, yeah (even though the contact is indirect and through solicitors only)?

With the lack of funds across the board, it's probably not the best time for me to bring something as obvious as him buying the ex's share of the house.

or

you buying her share (you wouldn't have any contact with her about it, it's all done through your solicitor)

or

selling the house.

They are big decisions. Drastic others might say. relationships shouldn't be hard. It's just unfortunate that some relationships take more work than others.

Plenty I'd have no interest in buying her half of the house unless I were to be married to him! And with the way things are and how I'm feeling I wouldn't try and push something that may not last. And nope I'm lucky enough that there are no kids involved

astra2000

I think he was probably been honest with you when he said he could never see himself fully commiting to anybody, he back tracked because he doesnt want to lose you, and can use his ex as an excuse not to. If he wanted you to move in and live together he would find a way. He is calling all the shots here he is happy yo share his home with you when it suits him, but he is not willing to forsake home comforts to be with you and to treat you as his equal.
You say they cant rent the house because they wouldnt receive enough rent to cover mortgage, but if your bf was renting a place with you surely he would be able to make up the mortgage shortfall as there would be rental income from the shared property and if he was sharing the cost of a rental apartment with you his rent would be less than the large mortgage? Also if his ex isnt paying any mortgage does she have a right to dictate who lives in the house?
Best of luck

confused21

rtunes wrote: »

You're affected by it because your gut is telling you something is wrong. And it is. He doesnt know what he wants and is stringing you a long until he figures it out. Not saying he is a bad guy - he is just confused. Nothiing you can do will make him figure it out any quicker so don't try and change to suit him. Please think about your own interests here. He should be delighted to have you in his life and if he wanted to marry you he would go out of his way to make sure it happens. He isnt doing that. You deserve more. Please think and act like that over the next 2 weeks and see what happens. Be strong.

I will not change what I want or who I am for him...You guys have been great. Everything you have all said is what I was thinking. I'm no fool and won't be taken for one. I told him when we went through the crap that if he wasn''t sure that we need to end it that he's breaking my heart. That I would rather he break it than turn around in 2 or 3 months or whatever and say it's not going to work and shatter my heart...I couldn't deal with that.
He said he didn't want to break up, I said it's not all about him that I'm not gonna have him string me along and sit there waiting for him to make up his mind! That I may not want to stay with him.
But you are all right, his actions do not make up for what he said to me!! By the way he is 31. So you think he'd be able to make up his mind. He was finished with the ex a good year before he met me. Neither of us planned our relationship it just happened! I don't regret it and I know he doesn't.
As for the ex, he said he's not in contact. I asked if he has been and he said no so as a relationship is based on trust I have to trust him. When I went through the crap few months back he was crying and all so I do know he loves me. He thought I was walking away from him...I led him to think that. Your replies have all been a great help. I appreciate them so much:o

confused21

astra2000 wrote: »

I think he was probably been honest with you when he said he could never see himself fully commiting to anybody, he back tracked because he doesnt want to lose you, and can use his ex as an excuse not to. If he wanted you to move in and live together he would find a way. He is calling all the shots here he is happy yo share his home with you when it suits him, but he is not willing to forsake home comforts to be with you and to treat you as his equal.
You say they cant rent the house because they wouldnt receive enough rent to cover mortgage, but if your bf was renting a place with you surely he would be able to make up the mortgage shortfall as there would be rental income from the shared property and if he was sharing the cost of a rental apartment with you his rent would be less than the large mortgage? Also if his ex isnt paying any mortgage does she have a right to dictate who lives in the house?
Best of luck

That's what he said when he realised I was crying! Said he was being too honest and tried to back track straight away but I wouldn't accept it. We talked about renting a place together and renting out his but he's stubborn and doesn't see why he should have to move out of his house that he has been paying a mortgage on for the last 3years on his own. I thought the exact same as you with the rent etc. His ex has a right to a certain extent to dictate...she could put the foot down and insist he have lodgers...I said I could be a lodger but that didn't go down well. I do think he is just using her as an excuse and now I just feel so stupid that I thought things might get better!
I'd only love for him to rent out his place and we get a place together as it means she has never been there that it's a new start for us! But don't think that'll happen. He can't sell the house as it's in negative equity!! Thanks for advice though

astra2000

confused21 wrote: »

That's what he said when he realised I was crying! Said he was being too honest and tried to back track straight away but I wouldn't accept it. We talked about renting a place together and renting out his but he's stubborn and doesn't see why he should have to move out of his house that he has been paying a mortgage on for the last 3years on his own.

That sounds as if he isnt willing to make any compromise and I think that on order to be with you he needs to make one. As you are clearly aware it does not look like he is willing to make any compromoise but if he does come up with something you are both happy with that would say a lot. Sorry you are going through such a confusing time, I hope things work out well for you:)

confused21

astra2000 wrote: »

That sounds as if he isnt willing to make any compromise and I think that on order to be with you he needs to make one. As you are clearly aware it does not look like he is willing to make any compromoise but if he does come up with something you are both happy with that would say a lot. Sorry you are going through such a confusing time, I hope things work out well for you:)

If he came up with something that suited us both I'd be delighted but right now it's just one sided! We're going away for a week at the end of the month. I'll see how that goes as I want to have fun so thinking of myself here. selfish I know but I don't care! After that I know what I have to do and basically put it out there AGAIN and if I don't get him to act on what he says there is no point dragging it on any further! I hope I'm not coming across as needy because I certainly am not I'm independant but it's nice and I enjoy my time with him...I don't need him just want him.

You know what's funny...my friends always come to me for advice...funny how we can never take our own!! Oh one more thing....all his family and friends love me,this is what he told me. I said I don't care what anyone else thinks of me as he's the important one! I wonder if he is only with me because if we break up he will get it in the neck for being stupid and letting a good thing go!?

Distorted

confused21 wrote: »

Hi Girls,
I know this probably seems ridiculous but it's something that is getting me down and I'd like advice please. I'm with my boyfriend over a year and madly in love with him. He owns his own house and I rent a room. I stay over in his between 3-5nights a week. We get on brilliantly, and have so much fun. I'm getting annoyed staying in his and packing an overnight bag all the time. He never comes to mine..his view is he owns his house and we have privacy there which I also agree.

Sorry, but finding the inconvenience of renting a room annoying isn't a reason to move in with your boyfriend. You have only been going out for a year, its not that long. Why not just live with it for a year or two more and see how you feel then? I would say this whether or not he owned his own place. Why not wait to move in until you get engaged, for example?

If you don't like renting, do something about it! Rent a better place, buy your own place (I scrimped and saved to buy my first tiny flat at 25, so I know its possible).

It sounds as if his ex has either paid part of the deposit for the house and/or the mortgage when she lived there too, so has some claim on it. You, on the other hand, have contributed nothing. I've seen this with my fiance's brother's girlfriend - she met him, moved in after a year, made about 9 months of contributions to the mortgage, got pregnant, gave up work, they sold his flat for a big profit and now live in a 400,000 house, mainly from the proceeds and the mortgage he first got in his name transferred to the new house. So she has now done well for herself, living in such a house having made no contributions whatsoever, and I'm sorry, but I see her as a bit of a golddigger, always having paid my way. Being female is no excuse for not sorting out your own accommodation.

rtunes

Distorted wrote: »

Sorry, but finding the inconvenience of renting a room annoying isn't a reason to move in with your boyfriend. You have only been going out for a year, its not that long. Why not just live with it for a year or two more and see how you feel then? I would say this whether or not he owned his own place. Why not wait to move in until you get engaged, for example?

If you don't like renting, do something about it! Rent a better place, buy your own place (I scrimped and saved to buy my first tiny flat at 25, so I know its possible).

It sounds as if his ex has either paid part of the deposit for the house and/or the mortgage when she lived there too, so has some claim on it. You, on the other hand, have contributed nothing. I've seen this with my fiance's brother's girlfriend - she met him, moved in after a year, made about 9 months of contributions to the mortgage, got pregnant, gave up work, they sold his flat for a big profit and now live in a 400,000 house, mainly from the proceeds and the mortgage he first got in his name transferred to the new house. So she has now done well for herself, living in such a house having made no contributions whatsoever, and I'm sorry, but I see her as a bit of a golddigger, always having paid my way. Being female is no excuse for not sorting out your own accommodation.

Can't see what this has to do with OPs situation. It's called being in a committed relationship and sharing. Someone winds you up maybe? However I do agree - it has only been a year so take it easy. But do listen to your gut - it's telling you something isn't right. Enjoy your hols.

astra2000

Distorted wrote: »

It sounds as if his ex has either paid part of the deposit for the house and/or the mortgage when she lived there too, so has some claim on it. You, on the other hand, have contributed nothing. I've seen this with my fiance's brother's girlfriend - she met him, moved in after a year, made about 9 months of contributions to the mortgage, got pregnant, gave up work, they sold his flat for a big profit and now live in a 400,000 house, mainly from the proceeds and the mortgage he first got in his name transferred to the new house. So she has now done well for herself, living in such a house having made no contributions whatsoever, and I'm sorry, but I see her as a bit of a golddigger, always having paid my way. Being female is no excuse for not sorting out your own accommodation.

They sound happy in their new home and you sound jealous tbh.
The op is practically living with her bf she is making all the compromises moving from house to house while he gets to stay put. I think she has a right to know what his future plans with her are, shes not some bimbo who should have to wait around for him to propose if he ever chooses to do so.:(

Distorted

astra2000 wrote: »

They sound happy in their new home and you sound jealous tbh.
The op is practically living with her bf she is making all the compromises moving from house to house while he gets to stay put. I think she has a right to know what his future plans with her are, shes not some bimbo who should have to wait around for him to propose if he ever chooses to do so.:(

I'm certainly not jealous of that. I have a much nicer house myself, which I own half of, plus my own flat

I do think though its better to be invited to move into someone else's house, rather than to hint, ask and cry when its not happening. A year's relationship is hardly into the stringing along or waiting around terriotory.

rtunes

Mmm really, well done. Anyway, enough about you, let's get back to OP. Length of time is not really important in a relationship when a boyfriend obviously states their unease about a relationship. OP might appear hasty about wanting to move in, but I sense it's just unease about boyf's feeling about their future and his ex. Enough said, good luck with whatever happens OP!

LegacyUser

Step back a little and look at things from his perspective. He made a massive commitment in the last relationship, so much so that he took on a joint mortgage. This didn't work out and now he's in a bizzare situation where his ex girlfriend has some ownership rights over his home. He's also covering the full cost of that joint mortgage himself. Don't you think that would make anyone nervous about making a commitment again?
He's tied up in legal issues with the ex, no doubt she'll ask for her capital to be released at some point and with negative equity he could potentially lose his home and still be left with a massive debt to maintain...it's not a good situation for him to be in.

You say you didn't plan to go out together, it just happened. Well it sounds to me that you met a guy and both of you are having loads of fun together, so much so that he loves your company and wants you to stay over a few nights a week. But there's a big difference between dating a girl and moving in with a girl. Just because you stay over and there's nobody else sharing the house doesn't automatically mean that you should assume that it's time to move in. He has a lot on his mind regarding the house, I'm sure he doesn't want to complicate it any further. Yes, the ex has a hold over him. If she wants a refund of her share at this point he either has to come up with the money or sell the house. You wanting to moving in could be enough to make her want to pull the trigger on her demands. I'd assume she's entitled to whatever she contributed towards the deposit plus what mortgage contributions she made, if that's a sizeable figure then he's up to his neck in manure!

It sounds like your boyfriend is hiding a lot from you, but what he's hiding is the daily financial stress and worry that goes with the cloud that's hanging over him. So back to you, your silver bullet solution is to share the mortgage, alternatively you could buy your way into the mortgage by refunding the ex the money due to her via a solicitor, but is that what he really wants. He's been hurt before, after only 12 months you're looking to live together whereas he may feel he doesn't know you fully yet...and you have threatened to leave him already so that's not a stable situation to take on owning a home together is it?

neveah

Hi OP, we haven't heard much about why your boyfriend and his ex broke up in the first place, it sounds like a bad break up. Did she break his heart and is that why he now hates her and has no contact with her?
If his ex broke his heart he may be afraid that you will do that to him too so he is putting up barriers and protecting himself, do you understand what I mean? He may not even realise that he is doing it but he could be more wary about getting into another serious committed relationship. Moving in together is a big step. In his last relationship he was obviously planning for the future since they bought a house together, now things are messy with solicitors etc. Do you think he may be afraid that you moving in may turn out 'messy' as well and this is his reason for hesitating?

Josh_Calvert

first of all you say he has his own house and you're madly in love with him...makes sense so far....and then it turns out his ex still has her claws in...if she doesn't pay any mortgage why does she still have any ties to the house? Is she on the title?

In any respect it's as obvious to him that you moving in and helping with the mortgage is a win win situation and for him to suggest otherwise means he's happy with his own space and maybe doesn't actually feel too strongly about you...If he was a real man who loved you back he'd tell his ex to **** off if she complained about you moving in.

Caitlinn

What has this got to do with his ex if she doesn't help pay the mortgage and isn't living there?

LegacyUser

Hi,

It would be very interesting to see what his ex has to say....then you can compare notes,
you deserve truth, you may be disapointed to find out that you have wasted all this time. I am sure he could get in contact with the ex if he wanted to....through her family perhaps.
I think he does not want his ex filling you in on her side of the story. What about his family.

I recommend looking to other sources for information, not just him.

As Miss Fluff said recently "this does not just add up"

confused21

Hey guys,
Sorry only getting back now. I had no internet access for the weekend. It has been over-whelming to read all your replies this morning. Thank you all for being so supportive, honest and welcoming. Some of your replies were hard to read because they were so truthful and I appreciate them all.

I was thinking about your comments over the weekend and realised what is the rush? It is me with the problem! I love him so much that I want more and to move things a bit quicker, but what’s the point in rushing and ruining a great thing? Yes I have a problem with the way his situation is with his house and his ex because if we are all honest with ourselves, none of us like an ex still being part of our partners lives. But I just have to learn to deal with it. I am understanding about it, I know some of you may not believe that. But I have supported my boyfriend even though his ex still says she loves him and wants to be with him, however he has told her there is no hope that he is in a new relationship and is happy.

So stepping back and thinking about it, him saying that to her was a big step for him. Their relationship ended as she slept with someone else. It broke his heart as he thought she was his future. He tried to give her another chance but he couldn’t get over it. Yes I’m sure he feels that I may do the same and I’ll tell you it’s hard work trying to reassure him but I do all the time. I have asked him to stop comparing our relationship to theirs as I am completely different to her.

Over the weekend we spoke about it, I wasn’t going to bring it up. He went on talking about marrying me again and we were laughing and having fun about it. I spoke to him about how I felt. I said to him that I don’t want to be strung along and asked him to be honest with me. I said please not to use his ex as an excuse but what does he want. He said he loves me, wants a future with me but to give him time to sort the crap out with the house. I said I don’t want to move in straight away that I know it’s going to take a long time to get the house sorted, that he just needs to get the ball rolling. That even though the ex isn’t on the scene I feel like she still has a hold over our relationship. Both of us are happy, he didn’t realise it was upsetting and hurting me. He loves what we have right now as do I. I just need to relax a little.

Thanks again and hopefully I can help some of you with advice in the future

confused21

Distorted wrote: »

Sorry, but finding the inconvenience of renting a room annoying isn't a reason to move in with your boyfriend. You have only been going out for a year, its not that long. Why not just live with it for a year or two more and see how you feel then? I would say this whether or not he owned his own place. Why not wait to move in until you get engaged, for example?

If you don't like renting, do something about it! Rent a better place, buy your own place (I scrimped and saved to buy my first tiny flat at 25, so I know its possible).

It sounds as if his ex has either paid part of the deposit for the house and/or the mortgage when she lived there too, so has some claim on it. You, on the other hand, have contributed nothing. I've seen this with my fiance's brother's girlfriend - she met him, moved in after a year, made about 9 months of contributions to the mortgage, got pregnant, gave up work, they sold his flat for a big profit and now live in a 400,000 house, mainly from the proceeds and the mortgage he first got in his name transferred to the new house. So she has now done well for herself, living in such a house having made no contributions whatsoever, and I'm sorry, but I see her as a bit of a golddigger, always having paid my way. Being female is no excuse for not sorting out your own accommodation.

I'm sorry to tell you that you have painted a completely WRONG picture of me. I am not a golddigger! I have been renting since I was 18 and I'm actually living in a lovely house right now, so I definitely do not have a problem. Just because my boyfriend owns his house doesn't mean I want to live there. If I was honest I wouldn't like to live with him there at all, I'd love a fresh start and to get our own place but with the economy the way it is right now it's not possible.
I don't want any financial gain from his house. Like you I always pay my way and still do and always will even if I was living with him. You totally missed the point and that is that I love my boyfriend, I thought and felt it was time to move in with him. We had spoken about it before so it's not like I'm trying to force my way in. If the same thing happened as with your fiances brother...we wouldn't sell the house as it's in negative equity but again I don't want financial gain. The ex said she doesn't want anything from the house. He actually paid the deposit on the house and she only paid hlf the mortgage for the first 3years as she was out of work then. No I haven't contributed anything yet but I am willing to!
Thank you for your opinion though and well done on buying your own place!

confused21

Caitlinn wrote: »

What has this got to do with his ex if she doesn't help pay the mortgage and isn't living there?

I said that to him. I asked why is he so worried about what she thinks if he is moving on with his life. That she doesn't live there, or pay towards the mortgage? I understand her name is still on the deeds of the house so yes she is entitled to half the house. But I don't see why he should be worried about what she thinks if she sees my car outside his house every night.

I asked him that if the boot was on the other foot and she was living in the house and paying the full mortgage and she was moving on with her life and and her new boyfriend living there and my boyfriend had nothing to do with her or the house - would he be annoyed? He said no! :rolleyes:

Distorted

confused21 wrote: »

I'm sorry to tell you that you have painted a completely WRONG picture of me. I am not a golddigger! I have been renting since I was 18 and I'm actually living in a lovely house right now, so I definitely do not have a problem. Just because my boyfriend owns his house doesn't mean I want to live there. If I was honest I wouldn't like to live with him there at all, I'd love a fresh start and to get our own place but with the economy the way it is right now it's not possible.
I don't want any financial gain from his house. Like you I always pay my way and still do and always will even if I was living with him. You totally missed the point and that is that I love my boyfriend, I thought and felt it was time to move in with him. We had spoken about it before so it's not like I'm trying to force my way in. If the same thing happened as with your fiances brother...we wouldn't sell the house as it's in negative equity but again I don't want financial gain. The ex said she doesn't want anything from the house. He actually paid the deposit on the house and she only paid hlf the mortgage for the first 3years as she was out of work then. No I haven't contributed anything yet but I am willing to!
Thank you for your opinion though and well done on buying your own place!

Fair enough. I still think you're rushing into it a little bit and it makes sense to consider the things that might go wrong before you get involved. These sort of situations are notorious for causing problems if they do go wrong so the least you should do is go into it fully conversant with all the facts.

What you do know is that the ex is some kind of joint owner - she is on the title deeds. Is she on the mortgage papers as well? As joint owner, she does of course have rights, whether or not she is currently paying the mortgage or whether or not there is negative equity.

If you go in and make a contribution, you will effectively be a tenant. Even if you say you are not. His mortgage lender should give their authority for a tenant to move in. Now obviously many people don't bother, but if she wanted, the ex could make trouble here.

And the reason she might do so is that she has ownership rights in the property and if you pay to live there, you might get some rights somehow too if you stayed long enough and made some contributions.

Also, do you really want to effectively contribute to someone else's mortgage without getting anything in return? You could be using that money to buy your own place right now, instead of paying off his mortgage.

In fact, why not consider buying your own place, renting out his and having him move in there? Or just keeping your own two places until the market picks up? Its a great time to buy just now.

I'd also echo double checking that he is representing the facts re his ex correctly. It would seem wise in the circumstances.

astra2000

Distorted wrote: »

I'd also echo double checking that he is representing the facts re his ex correctly. It would seem wise in the circumstances.

I really dont understand that bit of advice sorry but i dont see the point in contacting his ex to get her side of the story. What would it achieve? Lets say ex tells the same story her bf has given as to why they broke up, then ex who still loves the bf goes back and tells him, what would be the consequences of that on their relationship? On the other hand say the ex gives a whole other side to the relationship break up, who does confused believe? Sometimes you need to trust your own judgements and those of close friends. I cant imagine there are many people who go around contacting their partners exs to make sure stories add up!
Btw op nevahs theory sounds spot on given what your earlier post said.
The more I think of it the more this advice doesnt make sense, he hasnt been accused of a crime/wifebeating. Relationships break up for lots of reasons it doesnt make her bf a dubious caracter.

Distorted

astra2000 wrote: »

I really dont understand that bit of advice sorry but i dont see the point in contacting his ex to get her side of the story. What would it achieve? Lets say ex tells the same story her bf has given as to why they broke up, then ex who still loves the bf goes back and tells him, what would be the consequences of that on their relationship? On the other hand say the ex gives a whole other side to the relationship break up, who does confused believe? Sometimes you need to trust your own judgements and those of close friends. I cant imagine there are many people who go around contacting their partners exs to make sure stories add up!
Btw op nevahs theory sounds spot on given what your earlier post said.
The more I think of it the more this advice doesnt make sense, he hasnt been accused of a crime/wifebeating. Relationships break up for lots of reasons it doesnt make her bf a dubious caracter.

I didn't suggest contacting the ex. I suggested checking the facts so the situation becomes a bit clearer. You can do that without contacting the ex. Unless the ex were in the same friendship group, contacting her would be a bit wierd! I don't think theres anything suspicous about it at all, people break up who own houses together all the time. Just that the OP should be armed with all the correct facts before moving in with someone. And indeed before giving up her independence in relation to where she lives.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think moving in with someone is something you should take too casually and there should be more reasons for it than sheer convenience.

Peanut2011

Well I have to say from the point of someone who went trough all that. I would have been in the position where me and my ex broke up and have had the house together.

All I can say is once I got the house on my own it was nice to know that I can have someone over any time I want to but at the same time have my own space when I need to.

To me it sounds like he is very comfortable where he is. He is having his cake and eating it too.

Sorry don't mean to be nasty but to me, he does not sound like someone who is at the stage of his life where he wants to settle down. One thing I did not see is how long you two are together? When did he split up form the ex?

You say he is paying for the mortgage on his own for last 3 years, that may very well be, however legally if she is on the house papers she could move in tomorrow and there would be nothing he could do about it so if she is the way you are lead to believe than she could do that.

On the other hand, if she does not live there and they do not keep in touch, only trough solicitor, how would she know there is anyone else living there. Why would she care if she did not care about the house all this time?

Honestly, to me this sounds to be just an excuse not to commit and not to have to live up to a proper relationship.

Sorry to say it like that but I do hope you work the things out.

astra2000

guestbear wrote: »

Hi,

It would be very interesting to see what his ex has to say....then you can compare notes,
you deserve truth, "

Distorted
This was the post you agreed with so I presumed you meant the same. Sorry about that. I agree with you re moving in with someone, personally it would not be something I would advise unless both sides believed the relationship to be long term ie marriage! I am probably old fashioned:) In fairness though it doesnt sound as if the op was opting for convenience, what she appeared to be upset about initally was that her bf told her he could not see himself commiting to her long term and that she felt he was using and would continue to use the house situation as a reason to not move in together.