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Struggling moving on

  • 07-01-2011 2:29am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all,

    I'm posting here cos I feel a bit at a loss. I was dating my boyfriend for 3 years and I just broke up with him because I ended up with someone else on a night out. The reason I think I ended up with someone else is because I felt the chemistry was gone between me and my boyfriend, I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore, even though I feel like I love him with all of my heart. It's been 2 months, and I can't stop thinking about him, even though I still don't feel physically attracted to him. He's been seeing a new girl and I'm devastated, but trust me I know this is all down to me.

    Basically I'm just looking for some advice on how to cope with the massive change? I'm struggling, especially since things can be tough at home. My dad isn't around and I spend a lot of time alone as my mom, sister and brother all have partners. I'm 19. I'm incredibly low, I don't feel like myself anymore and that's scary

    Thanks for listening


Comments

  • #2
    Partizan
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 629 ✭✭✭Partizan


    ataloss wrote: »
    Hi all,

    I'm posting here cos I feel a bit at a loss. I was dating my boyfriend for 3 years and I just broke up with him because I ended up with someone else on a night out. The reason I think I ended up with someone else is because I felt the chemistry was gone between me and my boyfriend, I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore, even though I feel like I love him with all of my heart. It's been 2 months, and I can't stop thinking about him, even though I still don't feel physically attracted to him. He's been seeing a new girl and I'm devastated, but trust me I know this is all down to me.

    Basically I'm just looking for some advice on how to cope with the massive change? I'm struggling, especially since things can be tough at home. My dad isn't around and I spend a lot of time alone as my mom, sister and brother all have partners. I'm 19. I'm incredibly low, I don't feel like myself anymore and that's scary

    Thanks for listening

    Well OP there is not much you can do. You were the one who did the cheating and breaking up so you cant blame your ex for moving on which he has. You are now behaving in a jealous and selfish manner in that you ditched your ex yet you still want control of his life. It's over, let him go and move on.


  • #3
    dub_3
    Closed Accounts Posts: 116 ✭✭dub_3


    Partizan wrote: »
    Well OP there is not much you can do. You were the one who did the cheating and breaking up so you cant blame your ex for moving on which he has. You are now behaving in a jealous and selfish manner in that you ditched your ex yet you still want control of his life. It's over, let him go and move on.

    Thats a bit harsh, she's not trying to control him, she's asking for help on how to move on.

    OP, main thing to bear in mind is that you know the chemistry was gone and ending the relationship was the right thing to do.

    Having said that, it doesn't mean it won't still hurt.

    You're only 19 and 3 years in a relationship is a really long time, it will take time to adjust.

    Have you got any mates that are single, if so organise to do some stuff with them.


  • #4
    Milkmaid
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 61 ✭✭Milkmaid


    Hi ataloss, no matter how unhealthy or how fizzled out a relationship has got there is nearly always some sense of loss when it ends..you are only 19 so you basically have grown up with your ex boyfriend, and spent a lot of time together
    Try to remember the good times you had without looking back through rose-coloured glasses too much.
    You have enough sense to know that you had out-grown each other and needed to part ways, you are so young that you both will change so much in the next few years. Very rarely is it a good idea to get tied down so young.
    I did and I missed out on a lot of fun and we held each other back.
    I have a son your age and I would hate to see him tied down to one person instead of meeting lots of people, learning more about himself. Then when you are ready to settle you have a better idea of what is a good healthy relationship.

    Perhaps you feel a little badly at the way things ended with your ex? If so when the dust settles perhaps you could say sorry by letter or email. Even if he doesn't respond at least you will have some closure.
    Don't beat yourself up too badly about what happened, you are very young and maybe this will be a learning experience so that in future you would know to be honest and break up before you get with someone else. Hugs to you


  • #5
    whatsamsn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭whatsamsn


    Whats done is done op. You cheated and it caused the end of the relationship. Thats the past now.

    As for feeling at a loss?
    Pay no attention to that. You feel at a loss because he has someone new and you dont. He has gained more, you have less. Its a selfish mind-screwing-effect we can have.

    For example, I've seen girls just use guys. A 'better than nothing boyfriend' - but yet when he was out of the picture, and no one else was in, they felt regret. Missing him. etc etc :rolleyes:

    I am not being harsh but you brought this on yourself. Thats life. But you made your bed and now have to lie in it. As you say you are not attracted to him no more.


  • #6
    Zen65
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭Zen65


    ataloss wrote: »
    I'm 19. I'm incredibly low, I don't feel like myself anymore and that's scary

    Who are you, do you know what should you feel like? You were dating this guy for 3 years since you were about 16, so you probably have not had enough time to yourself to ever really find out who you were. This is the first thing to work on. Unless you know who you are, and what you like & don't like, you won't find happiness in a relationship.

    You say you don't feel like yourself anymore, maybe because you're comparing yourself now (as a singleton) to the person you were at 16 (last experience as a singleton) and of course you are not that girl. You are probably also a little surprised at your recent actions, but in reality this was possibly your sub-conscious self looking for a change, looking to explore the world that you have not yet explored properly.

    Don't plan to have any "special relationships" for a while. Instead think about what you want to do with your life... education, travel, work?

    What about hobbies?

    Spend a couple of days just writing down what you want from life, and how you are going to achieve those goals. After that, set yourself short-term goals that will help you achieve your aims. Then get up and start making it happen. You're very young, but time is too precious to waste dwelling on the past.

    Be at peace,

    Z


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