Driving myself CRAZY!

LegacyUser

Background: I traveled to Dublin from Australia to undertake an exchange program at UCD. First night I went out in Dubs I met LOVELY boy who wooed me, swept me off my feet, etc. Had a pretty intense relationship - told each other we loved each other after a month, spent every second together, etc. After 4 months, when it came time for me to leave Ireland and travel Europe, our relationship basically broke down because I told him that I needed time to figure things out (I had originally fled Aus because of a bad breakup after a long relationship and needed time to learn how to be by myself again) and I couldn't do that if I was in a relationship with him. Nevertheless, he still flew over to visit me in various places while I was traveling and it was great to see him. During this time, I came to the conclusion that I was in love with my OLD boyfriend back home and I told Irish boy this was so. Said he understood, wished me the best of luck, stay in contact, etc. Spent a week with him before I went home and confused myself even further - here was this amazing boy, everything I could ever have wanted but I wasn't sure about it. And because I wasn't sure about it, I couldn't bring myself to be with him because I thought I would hurt him, and I would be wasting his time (he's 6 years older than me).

Anyway, I got home and re-discovered what I already knew - that Aus boy was a complete douche and did not have a tender bone in his body. I got swept away by the image - he is very VERY popular with the ladies and the fact that he wanted to give it a go with me again gave me an ego boost. And he's so damn hot. Once I figured out what a predicament I had found myself in, I became extremely sad and spent hours upon hours talking to Irish boy. In retrospect this was an awful thing to do, but he never once let me down, and he was always there for me. I sent Irish boy an email saying that I would always have problems with my ex, he was my first love afterall, and I would always have doubts about any relationship, including one with him (the first one ended because I thought that boyfriend wasn't right too). I don't know why this is, but I have been diagnosed with anxiety and so I think this has something to do with it - I worry that a relationship isn't perfect and thus it isn't 'right'.

Irish boy said that he loved me and I went back to visit him 2.5 months later after speaking/texting/skyping/emailing every day. I have never once doubted how he feels about me. Spent two weeks with him and it was absolutely perfect - everything between us felt natural and comfortable and lovely. It's been 2 months since then of constant talking and he is due to arrive here on a working holiday visa in 5 weeks.

What's the problem you ask? Here it is: do I love him? I feel like he is putting his whole life into plan based around me and that freaks me OUT. If I loved him, wouldn't I be glad of this? And I know there will be people out there who say "if you're questioning it, you don't love him", but honestly I don't think that applies to me because I overthink EVERYTHING, and I can't just let anything "happen". Also the fact that most of our relationship has been long-distance gives me lots of time to think about it. I worry constantly and I find myself taking it out on him - I pick stupid little fights over skype and I know I'm being a bitch, I'm just being indulgent. The poor boy having to put up with me. I think he is the best person I have ever met - kind, generous, loving, affectionate and above all, just a genuinely good person. He would never do wrong by anyone. I can see my future with him - married, a family, and we have talked about such. But I just find myself plagued with doubts at times and I don't know what to do to get rid of them. He tells me to just talk to him when I'm feeling like this, but sometimes I just can't because I feel terrible.

HELP?

Pebbles68

I used to be very like you, picking silly fights and creating problems with the relationship where they didn't exist. It was long distance at the start too. In my own head I was thinking of every reason there was as to why the relationship couldn't work. Stop thinking about "what if it doesn't work out". You are already looking for reasons for the relationship to fail and then blame yourself. He is an adult and is making his own choice to come to visit you. At some point in every relationship people have to take a chance or leap of faith. Just see how it goes. If it works out then great. But don't condemn yourself before you even had a chance to try it.

Miss Fluff

If you don't deal with your anxiety issues then you risk losing him altogether.

Rather than thinking "what if" and overanalysing everything to within an inch of its life, perhaps it is time once and for all to adopt the "lets wait and see" approach. I am not suggesting for a moment that you can seamlessly shift to this relaxed way of thinking but you can do some research on relaxation techniques or take up yoga to help you become less uptight. It won't happen overnight but there are definitely ways to help you calm down and stop the internal "chatter" that goes hand in hand with anxiety.

This guy that's coming to Australia to spend time with you is obviously really keen on you and if you accept that as a fact and see where this all leads (not putting pressure on yourself or on him) rather than being fatalistic and ruining it all before its even really had a chance to take off you have a much better chance of it working.

fungun

what age are you? If his planning his life freaks you out and you are 30 id say you need to cop on a bit and decide what is important to you....if you are 20, i could understand you being nervous....

What is love? Its different for everyone. I find it interesting that when you had time to yourself first you came to the conclusion you loved you old bf from Oz. Sounds to me that you really fancy your old bf and like the thought of the image of him but the Irish guy is someone you could settle down with. If so this is an age old problem....a reln with someone you find hot versus a reln with a best friend

Its different for everyone. Personally I went through relns that I had doubts over, but when I met my wife I had very few doubts. But thats just me....many people have doubts about their life partners.

So not much advice....take some time for yourself. And try to think long term. And whatever you do, you choose...because the right answer for someone else might not be the right answer for you.

LegacyUser

I get the impression you know that the Irish guy could very well be 'the one' but in your own mind it's all happened too soon in your life! You sound like you enjoy the spirit of adventure, such as the exchange program, travelling Europe and going back to the 'bad boy'. <snip>

So the question for you is not about him, it's about yourself. Are you ready to commit and if not then when do you think you will be. What do you want out of life, do you want to marry and have kids, do you want to travel more, do you want dozens of new relationships before settling? When you answer those questions then you'll know what you want to do and that could mean including the Irish guy or walking away even though you love him. 'The One' may very well have arrived on your doorstep too early in your life!

If I was in your situation I'd follow what I want to do but if it was just a dream to travel more then I'd include the Irish guy in those plans and not let him get away as it does sound as if he loves you with all his heart and you sound as if you love him!

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you everyone for your replies! I do love this man, and I am a little freaked out because I can see myself with him - freaked out that he is 'The One' as you say. Yes, I want to travel, I want adventure, I want to meet people VERSUS I want this guy but I guess I'll have to work on reconciling the two in my own mind. And I'm 21 by the way.

I have found that yoga really does help me, and I've been keeping myself busy with work, writing, friends, etc so as to try and not think too much about it. And you know what? I'm actually really excited to take the "let's see how it all pans out" approach and I've been trying to create this habit of thinking in my mind.

Anyway, truth be told I actually feel really terrible that I've posted on here - like somehow I've betrayed Irish boy and I've been dishonest or something. I'd just die if he ever found this on here because I'm always harping on about truth and honesty. Maybe there's a hypocrite in all of us eh? So Moderator - is there someway I can close or delete this forum off the face of the planet? Haha, thanks!

Josh_Calvert

this type of bat**** female behaviour is why gay was invented.

Zaph

Josh_Calvert banned for a week.

mariebeth

Your 21 OP, he's obviously young as well, who's to say what will happen, but it's worth giving it a try. It's better to go for it than spend your life regretting it. And just because you want to travel and see the world, doesn't mean that the two of ye can't do that together. Start off with having adventures in Australia, he's never been so you've a whole big continent there that you can show him.

Firetrap

I think you should give Irish guy a go and see what happens. You're lucky enough that you may have met "the one" and you're not tied down. Better to see what happens than to wonder what if. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. And if it does, happy days. You're over-analysing things I think. Nobody knows what the future holds for any of us.