upset friend

gillian1983

ok so i was reading through a thread on here about a woman who loaned €50 to her friend and then got awful grief over it and it sparked me to write about my issue i am currently having with my friend.
my friend is the same age as myself (27) and every single time we have a night together, she gets me to pay for most things in a cunning way.
i actualy never gave it a second thought until i read a post on here and now i realise maybe i am being used.
this friend is my best and she means a lot to me but im very hurt wondering if she is using me.
so heres the story. my friend who we'll call sarah has been borrowing from me every weekend that we go out. it all started a few months back when she was at my place and we wanted to go to the cinema but she had no money. i gave her €50 and off we went. i told her before i gave it to her that it was a loan but i have an inability to ask people for money back so i never saw it again. at the time i was studying a post grad so all i had was €200 to my name.
i actualy forgot about that €50 but we've been going out every weekend for the last 5 weekends. i am only working part time, earning very little a week at the moment. im working in woodies and due to the rare hours, it isnt very much. the 1st time she told me her atm card wasnt working (now she had a part time job at the time) so i paid for about 6 drinks for her and paid her taxi home to swords. she thanked me and told me she owed me. the very next night after that, she only told me she had no money when i literally had no choice but to pay for her. we were drinking in my place (right in the city centre) so we then walked to a club and a the door, the entrance fee was €15. she took out a €2 coin and told me it was all she had so i paid her in. i felt a bit upset about it and probably got in a bad mood over it but didnt say anything. i cant understand how she came out with only €2? i just cant get my head around it.
so i bought her a drink and then told her i had no money left which was true as i needed to keep money for her taxi to swords then..

so i obviously never added up how much she had taken from me. but when she left then the 3rd night, she said "i probably owe you €25 or something" but i had spent well over €100 on her. i just nodded and said dont worry about it but now im completely broke.
she wants to go out tomorrow night and i do too. i just dont want to be expected to pay any more.
what can i do? i find it so difficult to say anything in these situations. i feel mean saying anything but i just cant keep funding her. i feel hurt over it

we'llallhavetea_old

you should text her and tell her you have no money for going out, and could you get what she owes you off her? do not go out with her until you are sure she has money!

pretty crappy situation tbh, you don't wanna lose your friend but you can't keep throwing money at her.

OS119

if you just don't feel that you could cope with a 'you're taking the piss, you must think i'm a complete moron' conversation, then you have two options: pay for her 'friendship' and no confrontation by just going along with it, or find some convenient excuse for not being able to go out with her.

the first thing for you to do - imo - is to make some decisions:

a) if you did confront her/mention it, do you think that either she'd give you a wedge of cash, pay up for nights out, ignore it and carry on as before, or ditch you?

b) does the enjoyment you get out of her company exceed the anger/humiliation you feel at being taken for a ride?

c) do you think that even if she changed her ways, apologised, and stumped up some cash, your trust in her as a friend is so badly damaged that the relationship is now fataly compromised?

personally, and everyone is different, i'd make the decision that anyone cold enough to turn up to a €15 club with €2 in their possesion and not say anything until we got to the cashier (thereby deliberately putting me in an impossible situation), is sufficiently cold and calculating that i won't be getting any of my money back, and sufficiently contemptuous of me to chose 'keep the money' when faced by a 'give me my money or i'll never speak to you again' ultimatum.

sorry OP, but i think you've been taken for a mug, and i don't think you'll get any of your money back regardless of how much you scream, shout and seek to embarrass her. if you want out but want to avoid a confrontation just stop answering her calls, get slower and more evasive/non-committal at answering text messages and emails, and just slowly phase yourself out of her life - if you do it in one big bang she may confront you over it, do it slowly and she'll just get bored and move on to someone else...

Ainekav

Why would you lend someone 50 quid and leave yourself with two hundred to your name to go to the cinema?! A cinema ticket costs like 10 euro...!!

You are opening yourself up to pure unadulterated using!

I understand that you dont want to ask for anything back but When she said she owes you 25 and brought the issue up herself, you dismissed it again? even though she owes you so much already!?

Oh my god you are going to end up bankrupt if you don't get away from this person and start standing up for yourself...

Katgurl

Sadly I have a friend who treated me and the rest of our friends like an ATM for years. At first I genuinely didn't mind, I was earning good money and it was nice to be able to treat people sometimes. But it was the lack of acknowledgement, gratitude or knowledge that it wnet twoways that started to irk. Plus, there were often situations enginerrred like how you described with a sort of shrug and I've only two quid attitude. What really hurt was one day when she was pretty out of it she casually referred to fact in passing it was ok to scab off me because I'd loads of money. Plus after letting me pay for everything on a night out she referred the following day to her vast savings. Me, the total mug had no savings. My advice op is to deal with this sooner rather than later. Ask her either by text or phone for the money back and ask her for the full amount, not what she deems the full amount.

I think you also need to check if this is about her as a person or a reflection of your friendship. I know with my friend she was indiscriminative and would spend the night going to any lengths to avoid paying for anything. Seriously I'd witness her walking us to restaurant to keep company then coming in for 'chats' then 'i'll just try bit of the tapas' and it would put a strain on everyone to resist saying just join in we'll cover you.

I'm probably rambling a bit but what I'm saying is I've lived and resented this nightmare for fifteen years and you should nip it in the bud now. Also, if you are only person she treats like this then your friendship isn't worth a damn so you should cut her off. If she's like this to everyone then make it clear she won't be getting handouts from you any longer.

Sardonicat

I had a friend similar to this. He never seemed to have enough money on him when we went out together. now, he never would ask for an amount as high as 50 euro, but was always instigating coffees, meals trips to the cinema etc ("please, ah go on, ..." that I somehow seemed to end up paying for (if not his full share always some of it) and very rarely got anything back. Now, I didn't really resent this, as i could afford it and he couldn't at the time, and he was my friend after all.

Circumstances changed and money grew very tight for me. Guess who was never available to meet up with after that? You've got it! When I couldn't pay for him He didn't want to know. Needlees to say, he is not on my xmas card list.

Some people are just out for what they can get and are very good at getting it. Sounds like your friend is one of them. Just tell her you can't afford to go out next time she asks. You'll find she still manages to make it out, but without you.

LegacyUser

Gillian, Katgurl... you guys are singing my song here

Here's my experience on it Gillian, I put up with the situation your in.. I knew what was happening.. I could see it at the time.. my friend mainly asked for 'loans' when I'd had a few drinks.. but I chose to ignore it as we'd been friends for 20+ years, fast forward and after I lose my job she comes and stays for a month saying she would pay her way etc.. as you can guess I never saw the money, or any money, ever.. I sent her an email (I know, passive aggressive, but like you Gillian I am awful at confrontation) laying out how I felt upset about it, how I felt she had taken advantage, but was not even willing to help me out, or even pay her own way, now that I was struggling quite badly (I was having noodles for breakfast, dinner and tea to afford to pay my rent!)..

I haven't heard from her in two years, not once, even after my Dad passed away. The friendship was fine while it was on her terms, as soon as I stopped being her meal ticket the friendship ended. The reason I'm telling you this is I know my view point here is tainted by this, but Gillian it started out exactly as you described, maybe you guys have a better friendship than we did, but at the time she was my best friend in the world, the one person I counted on, all that changed in the blink of an eye.

TL;DR:
Save yourself some heartache, either ask her for the money back now before it goes too far, as in text her saying 'I have no money for tomorrow night, could you pay this time?' Or cut your losses hun, and increase your circle of friends, go out with other friends tomorrow night, and leave the sponge at home.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck hun, I get the feeling your a people pleaser, like me, but remember, you are the most important person here, look after your own feelings first. Take Care.

ManOfMystery

Look, no-one likes asking their friends for money back. I've had to do it before and it makes you almost feel like a bit of a Scrooge, even though there's no discernible reason for that - after all, if you lend someone money, are you fully entitled to be paid back.

But there are really two problems here.

One is your 'friend' who is making a bit of a mockery of your friendship, it seems more to me that the friend simply views you as a walking ATM.

The other problem is you. You need to be more assertive. You have had opportunities to correct this friend, ask for your money back and state how you're feeling .................... but you haven't taken any of them. You also continue to lend to this friend even though there is a bad track record there.

Trust me when I say, you have to look after number one. There's no Knight on shining armour out there who will suddenly appear to reclaim any money you've lost to this friend - or others. It's up to YOU.

The next time you see your friend, ask them when they will repay the €100 they owe you. I know it sounds difficult, but it's a mental hurdle I also had to get over once, and once I did it ...................... I found it wasn't actually that difficult. You shouldn't feel embarassed - they owe you the money, so if there's any embarassment it will be on their part.

And the next time you end up in a nightclub and your friend asks for some money for drinks? Put your coat on, finish you drink and tell them you had both better go home then, as you don't have enough money to be buying drinks for everyone ever time you go out. I guarantee they won't ask you again.

Pebbles68

Asking a friend to repay a loan doesn't have to be difficult. If they become defensive or aggressive don't take the bait. Simply say "look, I'm really stuck for money right now any chance you can give me some of what you owe me".

As for paying for her taxi? Give her the fare for the night link and buy yourself another drink.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Im broke. I would not suggest a night out to friends if I knew I could not pay,
the max I would ask for is a price of a cup of tea when would meet up with them and I would let them know beforehand, before we got to the cafe. Your friend is taking the mick.

I have asked for loans of friends for important things like food and transport and would alway to make sure to pay them back, and if there was a delay, I would keep in touch with them to tell them this.

I think you would be surprised at how much a sense of entitlement people have.
You would also be surprised at how wealthy people do this as well (see another posters story about her friend having savings).

I would say this is difficult.....but just do exactly the same as shew does with you....(take two quid out of your pocket at the door of the night club, after she has paid in....and when she says she cant pay for you.....just leave.....I would not be surprised if some money magically appears out of her purse.

Good luck Soft touch!!