Too self conscious to be in a relationship..?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Looking for a bit of advice or maybe just reassurance in a bit of an issue I have! Im 19 years old, female, virgin. Never really been in a relationship before because nobodys really ever been interested in me. I'll save the melodramatic speech about my issues and problems but basically will stick to one main issue and admit I have low self esteem, low confidence, am quite ugly etc.

I've recently starting going out with this girl (Im bisexual) whos the first person whos really been interested in me. We get on great, have plenty of common interest and theres def a physical attraction there too. It's complicated, but I think it's going to turn into a serious relationship so while I'm delighted and really excited about this, I'm also terrified!

Having not been in a relationship before, I don't know...what am I supposed to try fix about myself or try hide about myself from my OH? I never really know what the boundaries are :S

Ok maybe a few examples will clear my issue up. 1) I have a bit of acne which I'm doing my best to sort out. 2) I have dry skin 3) I get eczema on my arms and legs and a bit of dermatitis around my scalp. 4) I have asthma 5) I have braces 6) I'm not the best looking girl; I try with makeup but Im not exactly talented in that area. I dont like my hair but its hard to manage and Ive tried 6) In the mornings I get a sort of white substance on the inside of my lips and roof of mouth (need to go to doc about this)

I mean - none of these things are the kind of thing you want to wake up to in the morning, especially the last one. I'm terrified of spending the night with her, waking up and she going to kiss me when I have that.

I know this sounds strange, and a lot of the above examples are things I cant help, but what Im asking is this - am I supposed to hide these things in a relationship? e.g. with the last problem, get up early before she wakes and wash out my mouth brush my teeth so that she doesnt know, or with my eczema and dry skin should I go overboard with makeup trying to cover it (makeup tends to make my skin worse so i try not to wear it too much)

I know this is bizaare and I dont know myself where Im going with this! I guess I just want basic pointers on how to do relationships. Cos i really havent a clue and im terrified of losing her before we even begin

merlie

I noticed you pointed out all the stuff you consider the bad stuff about yourself. When you think of the bad stuff it brings you down. So think of your positive ones, the stuff you do like about yourself. You know that your OH is not going to be bothered about how you look in the morning, simply because they are with you because they love you and you may be building yourself up and worrying over nothing at all. She has accepted you. We all have faults and things we would like to change about ourselves.

If you start by rushing out to the bathroom to wash your mouth and brush your teeth before she wakes, then it is something that you will have to keep doing every time you are with her, so it becomes a chore and you are hiding your real self. If make up affects your skin then don't wear it.

You could perhaps talk with a counsellor to help you with your self esteem or if you didn't want to go an see one, perhaps a self help book may be of assistance.

Just be yourself and have fun.

LegacyUser

hey op, i don't normally respond to threads like this but i will tell you a story about myself and my husband. before we met we were both single for a while. i had lots of relationships long and short, while he'd had one long termer when he was about your age and then nothing for years. about a year before we met i'd decided to change myself. i lost a load of weight, sorted out my skin, (acne and psoriasis) started paying more attention to my hair, etc. at the same time he was off somewhere loosing weight, sorting out his psoriasis, and getting contact lenses. why? cause we both thought that's what we needed to do to find a partner. so fast forward to when we meet - i didn't notice any of the things he put so much effort into changing, cause i liked HIM. he now says he thought the same thing about me. a few months into things and he finds the steroid cream for my psoriasis in my bathroom and we have this wonderful ''no way me too'' moment. a few days later we're watching something on tell and i joke ''you know you're the first guy for years i fancied that doesn't wear glasses'' and we have another lovely moment. turns out the contacts were making him miserable. lol. another day when we were a little more serious he's looking at photos of me in college and remarks how cute i was when i wasn't as skinny. was i insulted? hell it was music to my ears!! i'd been so miserable starving myself! he admits that since we started going out he's been miserable eating nothing but salalds too. eureka - we went straight out and bought chips!!

ok i'm rambling here so i'll wrap it up.

my point in amonngst the drivel here is that most people are the same. most people have the same hangups about aspects of themselves that you do. if they're the right person for you they'll love you no matter what. if you feel more confident going to the bathroom before any morning kissing then just do that. ''oh, wait, i need to brush my teeth, back in a mo'' isn't going to turn anyone off you. she sees that you have braces, she's not turned off by that. she can see your skin and she's not turned off by that. don't sweat it. is she into makeup? get her to do yours! go see your GP and make sure you're doing all you can to sort out your skin and make sure the mouth thing is looked at, then relax. and enjoy each other's company :-)

i wish you well xx

LegacyUser

dontsweatit! wrote: »

hey op, i don't normally respond to threads like this but i will tell you a story about myself and my husband. before we met we were both single for a while. i had lots of relationships long and short, while he'd had one long termer when he was about your age and then nothing for years. about a year before we met i'd decided to change myself. i lost a load of weight, sorted out my skin, (acne and psoriasis) started paying more attention to my hair, etc. at the same time he was off somewhere loosing weight, sorting out his psoriasis, and getting contact lenses. why? cause we both thought that's what we needed to do to find a partner. so fast forward to when we meet - i didn't notice any of the things he put so much effort into changing, cause i liked HIM. he now says he thought the same thing about me. a few months into things and he finds the steroid cream for my psoriasis in my bathroom and we have this wonderful ''no way me too'' moment. a few days later we're watching something on tell and i joke ''you know you're the first guy for years i fancied that doesn't wear glasses'' and we have another lovely moment. turns out the contacts were making him miserable. lol. another day when we were a little more serious he's looking at photos of me in college and remarks how cute i was when i wasn't as skinny. was i insulted? hell it was music to my ears!! i'd been so miserable starving myself! he admits that since we started going out he's been miserable eating nothing but salalds too. eureka - we went straight out and bought chips!!

ok i'm rambling here so i'll wrap it up.

my point in amonngst the drivel here is that most people are the same. most people have the same hangups about aspects of themselves that you do. if they're the right person for you they'll love you no matter what. if you feel more confident going to the bathroom before any morning kissing then just do that. ''oh, wait, i need to brush my teeth, back in a mo'' isn't going to turn anyone off you. she sees that you have braces, she's not turned off by that. she can see your skin and she's not turned off by that. don't sweat it. is she into makeup? get her to do yours! go see your GP and make sure you're doing all you can to sort out your skin and make sure the mouth thing is looked at, then relax. and enjoy each other's company :-)

i wish you well xx

Hi there. Thanks for sharing such a great story.

The thing is, while nobodys perfect, she's pretty damn close. She's beautiful, has a great body (she's really fit, into sports etc.) and shes got perfect skin, doesnt have any medical/physical appearance problems whatsoever. In fact, she's a part time model.

All of this would be fine if she wasnt so feckin amazing personality-wise too It sounds odd but it's actually getting me down that she's so perfect because I dont feel good enough for her.

I really dont want to have to get up everyone morning to have to run to the bathroom, spoiling the moment. Besides she's most likely going to wake up before me cos I'm awful at getting up in the mornings.

I will talk to the doc about it but I actually think I know the problem already. Along with asthma, for years I suffer from getting a blocked nose. So when Im relaxed i.e. sleeping, I think I fell into a bad habit of breathing through my mouth. I only really do this when sleeping but I cant help it! Im sure it's got something to do with my breathing, so it's hardly something I can go to the doc and get a prescription for and its magically fixed

Katgurl

Op, nobody is perfect, she is only perfect in your eyes and I am sure you are perfect in hers. Believe me everyone has their hangups and nobody not even celebrities feel beautiful first thing in the morning. Really, relax and enjoy.

dory

I really wouldn't worry about it - I have asthma, braces, glasses and a broken nose and a fair few people have said I'm ever so slightly cute. I also suck my thumb when I sleep which is a bit of a mood killer.

And don't go calling her perfect til you know her for another while. I remember one girl who people thought was perfect, for the same reasons as you, and she turned out to be very insecure. You never know, everyone has hang ups.

Just remember, she wouldn't be seeing you if she didn't fancy you.

LegacyUser

Ok. Thank you all for the replies! I guess I should just relax and try be a bit more confident. I wish there was a quick way just to change things about me!!!! lol