Can't get girl out of my head.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm sure this is a regular topic here, and I'm not the first person to experience these feelings, but I am at a wits end, and I think even just talking about it here will help me.

Basically I have 2 issues.

The first one is that I have serious commitment/intamcy/trust problems. I consider myself a reasonably attractive, interesting, and stable 24 year old guy. I look fairly decent, I have a good job, I am fit, I'm no slouch academically either. However I have only ever had one girlfriend, and even at that, it wasn't too serious. I've never had too much troubling being with girls, and have probably slept with about 40 or so women. But not a single one of them meant anything to me bar 1 (possibly 2***). I've never been able to be honest with girls, I just say what I think they'd like me to say. I've never been comfortable enough to be honest with girls. Its always ok at first, I seem normal enough, but after a week or two the girls normally cop that I am not very open, and start to ask questions and try and get me to open up, which makes me feel uncomfortable to the point that I start to resent them and dread having to be around them. At that point I usually make excuses as to why I can't meet up, and the "relationship" ends.

I've always had problems relating to girls, and I am much more comfortable and at ease around my male friends. In fact, I don't think I can truly call any of my female acquaintances 'friends'. Its like they are just females that I happen to know. I also seem to gauge them on their potential to be a sexual partner, and its when they are fairly good looking I'm nervous around them, but if they are unattractive, or one of my friends partners, I am much more at ease and treat them more like a male friend.

So thats the first problem. For that I'd really like to hear from other males who feel the same, or used to feel like that, but have somehow solved the problem.

The second problem is probably a lot more common.

So I'd went through my teens and early twenties as above, never ever caring about a girl (actually I forgot to mention how I never had any remorse or compunctions about cheating. In fact, on occasion I would feel compelled to cheat. Often I would go out with the person I was dating, and while she was occupied chatting to a friend or gone to the bathroom, I would go to another part of the nightclub and score another girl and then return to my date. I have no idea why I did that, or what forces were at play, and its not something I am in anyway proud of)

....anyway, while I was studying abroad I met a girl who, in the usual way I ended up sleeping with, and not really caring about, and it was a mutual sort of one night stand. But we stayed friends, spent a lot of time together, had sex occasionally, even went on holidays together. We really clicked, we spent about 6 months together, and became probably best friends. She often made advances which I rejected (probably out of some fear of falling for her) We confided everything with each other, there was no awkwardness like I normally experience, and no resentment etc. So after our 6 months I returned to Ireland and she returned home. We still stayed in touch and chatted online for hours at a time. She told me stuff she hadn't told anyone and visa versa. It was the first person I had ever met that I could really feel truly honest with. That for the last about 2 years. I never had strong feelings for her, other than thinking she was a great friend at the time. We still kept in touch, but much less frequently.

During the 2 years she started a relationship with a French guy, and ended up doing 6 months in university in France living with him. We still chatted, and I felt no jealousy or any strong feelings of any kind. She came and visited me in Ireland, and we had a ball of a time, slept in the same bed without any sex, and just had a great time.

Then back in November of this year I found myself with a week off work and the holiday I had planned had fallen through. So I decided to go and visit her (back in US now). I had a great time. However, she confided in me that she still really really liked me, and that back in Ireland earlier that year, sleeping with me was really hard for her because she really wanted to be with me. We ended up having sex and having and awesome week together. Although it was only 7 days, for those 7 days I developed an unbelievable bond with her and I think, if its even possible, I fell in love over those few days. After I returned home she broke up with her boyfriend and we phoned each other most nights for about two weeks. Then it became less frequent. Unfortunately I am contractually obliged to my job, and she is just starting college again after a break working to pay her fees, so for the next few years there is no real possibility for the two of us being together.

So this week she went to see her ex as they are still friends and she's decided to get back with him. I can understand why. I live a couple of thousand miles away, while he lives a few hundred. But I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. I constantly think about her, dream about her, and it makes me depressed to know that she is slipping through my fingers. I consider breaking my contract, which would mean I could never come home again without facing serious financial penalties, so that is not an option. When she told me she got back with her ex, I knew it was the end of hope, it made me feel physically ill.

We have planned to meet up in March, and she says she thinks it can still go ahead. I know for a fact that when we meet up for a holiday in march that I will want to be with her, and that I will be able to be with her. But whats the point, all it will serve is to break up her relationship for a week of my own satisfaction. I love this girl and I want to remain friends, but I don't know if I can. I wonder am I just best to gradually break contact for my sanity?

Sorry for the long post, but its been brewing in me for the last few months and there is no one I can talk to about it.

TL;DR :

Issue 1: I cannot be honest with girls or maintain a relationship
Issue 2: I found a girl I can be honest with and love, but she lives in the US and has a boyfriend.


***Thats a whole other post, so I'll not mention it.

peoplepie

I'm no expert and to be honest men baffle me but as for your first problem i really wouldn't worry to much. You are still quite young and commiting to another person and learning to open up is something that comes with age and to be honest most girls your age are still trying to figure themselves out anyway and perhaps aren't really capable of making a guy feel at ease enough to open themselves up to them. I really wouldn't worry about that. That is really a case of timing and the right person.


As to your second problem. again you are young and have time. Lots of it! So you can't be together for now. Who knows in a couple of years your situations might sort themselves out and things will happen for you. You say you want her to be happy.Than do whatever makes her happy. If being with her in march is what she wants then be with her. If being her friend is what she wants, then be that. If she was happy with him she wouldn't cheat on him anyway. However, you need to be ready to let her go. Tell her how you feel, but at the end of the day you need to know that if it's not meant to happen, it won't. I'm not saying you should wait, but go with the flow. Accept the situation for what it is. You may very well meet someone else. Your first love is always perfect until you experience the perfection of your second.


It may very well be that this situation has presented itself to teach you that you are indeed able to open up to girls. They just have to be the right ones.



Sorry for calling you young. I've a few years on you and come out the other side of what you are going through. Be patient

Josh_Calvert

your issues are the same issue...not being able to relate to women and then conveniently longing after an unavailable woman.

You're young.Before you turn 30 you should find out if you're gay or bisexual.If you're not and you just find women difficult- welcome to the club.get rich and successful and women will come to you and believe me if you're distant and hard to read they will go bat**** crazy after your sperm.

Or you could just be someone who doesn't require women in your life.Thats ok too.

johnnyvega86

Regarding your first point you learned to open with this ex-girlfriend so now you know how to open up with other women too.
Regarding your second point you can fall in love every day of the week if you want.
Stop putting women on a pedestal.
Move on, forget about her, date a few dozen more women and then see if you can still remember her name.
While you are daydreaming and feeling miserable you are ignoring all the other women around you everywhere you go who would fall in love with you if you got talking to them.

Distorted

Issue 1: Try just being friends with one or two girls. Try having sex with less women and only those you like. (FWIW I find 40 different sexual partners at the age of 24 a huge number and I personally avoid guys who have had so many partners). Maybe think in terms of what interests and personality traits you could have in common with a woman, rather than how soon you can have sex with them. Do you have any interests, out of work and sex life? Or is having sex your hobby?

Issue 2: I suspect part of the attraction of this girl for you is that she lives in the US and has a boyfriend, and is therefore unlikely to threaten your lifestyle.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the thoughts and advice folks.

I hope that what you say is true and that I am just perhaps subconciously using this girl as a convenient excuse. However that still leaves me in the position of never having loved someone, which is my major concern. I feel incapable of making connections and to put it bluntly ever giving a **** about a partner. I generally feel no loving emotion towards any partners I've had, and find myself basically mimicking emotion, which is fine at the start, but becomes quite obvious after the initial 2/3 week period, and when it starts to get more emotionally serious, and the girl begins to fall for me, I freak a bit and just gradually cut ties. I can't help doing it for some reason.

As for finding out if I am gay or bi, I would have no problem with that, and would make relationships easier, but I have no physical attraction to other males. In fact, the thought repulses me, but each to their own.

Also, having in excess of 40 sexual partners does seem a little bit high, but when you consider about half of those are one nights stands and a good chunk of the rest wouldn't have lasted more than 2 weeks, it puts it in perspective.

Also, someone mentioned that if I could just chat to a few girls I'd realise that girls would fall in love with me if I would just give them a chance. Thats not the problem. Plenty of girls in the past have had very strong feelings for me, and I hurt them through my inability to reciprocate and care about them, and through my selfishness. I need to find a way so that I can care about someone like I do about the American girl.

I think the best advice is to try and just befriend a few girls, and not just befriend them with the goal of bedding them, then I can start to work on just understanding and getting to enjoy female company, rather than just sex.

If anyone else ever experienced anything like this and got over it or found the root cause of the problem, I'd love to hear from them. Also thank you for the replies so far.... and reading that essay at the start!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Its the OP back here again. I just want to update on whats happened in the last couple of months and sound off a bit as well.

The girl has been with her boyfriend since I last updated in January. They had a long distance relationship, and only saw each other once since January. Although she had her reservations she agreed for me to come visit her as a friend in March. Although I was still crazy about her I was going with the intention of just being friends, as I do really care about her, and wouldn't want to stop being friends just because I really wanted to be with her.

So we spent an amazing week together. I didn't push it at all, and we ended up sleeping together on the third night I was day. We spent the rest of the week just like a couple. It was fantastic. I finally got to tell her how I felt, and it felt great to finally open up. She reciprocated and we had an unbelievable time together. Saying goodbye at the airport was one of the hardest things I ever did. I cried thinking about it on the plane on the way back. She told me she was the same and couldn't sleep at night thinking about it.

However, we had agreed I was going to take a career break and come live out there for a year. We talked about it online and that day she was going to break it to her boyfriend and I was so excited looking up job opportunities and applying for my visa. I was absolutely delighted to be getting a fresh start with the only girl I've ever loved.

That night I spoke to her again, and her mood had changed. She said she had spoken to her boyfriend but they hadn't broke up. She said she told him that she couldn't be just friends with me, and that she couldn't give up me for him. She said it really upset him, and he was shaking and told her he loved her. She was obviously very upset too, as she cares about him too. She said the whole situation of having to choose one of us was really stressing her out and she was feeling guilty for not being able to decide. She said that she can't focus on college. So she told both of us that she needs time to think and to leave her alone for a week so she can think.

I can understand what she's going through, and I respect that she needs time to think. But not being able to contact her is driving me nuts. I've gone from looking forward to a new start, to now not knowing where I stand. I'm terrified that she is going to slip through my fingers like when I got back from Miami.

As well, I'm worried that she is trying to stop herself from being with me because she's scared I'll hurt her. She knows about my history of sleeping with lots of girls and generally not really caring about any of them, as I used to talk to her about it.

I'm going through such powerful emotions at the moment, and I'm not used to it. The lack of contact is really killing me aswell, but I don't want to be a d1ck as she's made it clear she wants some space.