Lusting for other women

LegacyUser · 05-01-2011 10:27pm #1

More a question for the lads.

Basically I lust for other women so much. I would never cheat on my girlfriend because I love her so thats not a problem but I am just wondering if its normal? Basically the only thing stopping me is I love my girlfriend and never would want to hurt her like that. The reason I am asking for mens opinions is because I feel men are very different to women on this issue. Is there anyone in the same position that can offer me some advice to distract myself? Its gotten to the stage where when I **** I think for ****ing other women. I had a woman that looked like Penelope Cruz come onto me the other night in city centre. It was so hard to get myself out of situation but because I love my girlfriend I did but I literally cant stop thinking about her now and feel really bad...

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 1:50pm

Anyone?

Emme · 06-01-2011 3:07pm

Try to avoid these situations OP. If you go out on the town and you're half decent looking you're going to get women coming onto you. I don't know how old you are, but what you're describing seems to be a guy thing and hardwired into the DNA. As long as you don't act on it you're doing nothing wrong, you have to decide what's right for you in your relationship.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 3:30pm

I fell into this trap, broke off with my gf and now she won't take me back.
I had the same problem as you. If I had a second chance, I'd avoid or at least cut down on the lads nights out as you'll always get offers...the grass is always greener on the other side type of offers.

Don't get balubas drunk and you should be able to control yourself.

I used to feel guilty w%^king off to others aswell.

One other thing to consider, if the sex isn't satisfying you, what do you do!
Looking back now, I feel that sex isn't the be all and end all. I just what the old situation back :-(

prinz · 06-01-2011 4:50pm

It happens from time to time, that's natural on one level. You are deliberately going further than that.

The only person who can control your thoughts is you, so I don't know what advice you want. If you want to stop, you can can help yourself to focus on something else.

johnnyvega86 · 06-01-2011 6:19pm

If a guy sees a hot women he is going to get turned on.
That is true of single men in their early twenties or men in old age who have been married for 50 years.
There is no 'off' switch.
Nature has just programmed us all that way.

xXxkorixXx · 06-01-2011 7:12pm

If you love your girlfriend with all your heart - then you shouldnt think about other women while having a ****. My fiancé would never do that to me, because he is 100% completely devoted to me so he has no reason to **** and think about other women. You should talk to your girlfriend about how you feel

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 7:13pm

Op, you cant to an extent try and control your thoughts.
But what you can DEFINITELY control are your actions.
You do not have to act on these thoughts.And to try and stop it, you should try really hard stop yourself when you feel yourself thinking about other women.
Actions speak louder than words, OP.

raven136 · 06-01-2011 10:19pm

You dont know what your fiance thinks about when he is ****.Is it not totally naturally to think of other people i.e fantasise about others when doing that?even in a committed relationship?

Virgil° · 06-01-2011 11:05pm

Its natural to be turned on by other women OP. Masturbating to other women is something i'm sure plenty of other people do too(women included) even when in completely loving monogamous relationships.
You're not doing anything wrong, in fact i'd wager your girlfriend thinks of other guys from time to time. It's not nice to think about but its just the way we work.

What you describe is almost certainly not what goes on in your partners head. He's hardly going to tell you if he jerks off to other women now is he? He probably does love you with all his heart but what you describe is naive thinking. You'd do well to accept your partner does love you and probably wont ever cheat on you but does think of other women from time to time.

S23 · 06-01-2011 11:34pm

Honestly some of the answers on here are wonderfully naive. You don't have to think of other women when you masturbate but it's no crime do so. Women think of people other than their partners, men do too. It's not any act of being unfaithful or hurtful it's just a bit of fantasy.

What your OH doesn't know about who you think about while you do it can't hurt her. I mean if you were telling her 'I had a **** last night and thought about Cheryl Cole, your sister and our next door neighbour' it would be very hurtful. But what she doesn't know about what you think doesn't have an effect.

She's the very same for all you know. This notion of 'oh my BF/GF would never do that' is ridiculous. Maybe your OH thinks about you exclusively or maybe your OH thinks about 200 different people. Who knows? It doesn't mean she finds you (or you find her) any less attractive. Better to have a **** fantasy than bottle it all up and try and resist finding other women attractive only to end up doing something stupid one day.

The main thing is that you remain faithful to your GF and treat her well and don't cheat on her. Finding other women attractive and thinking of them is no biggie.

If there are other underlying issues then there could be a problem but you don't mention any so I'll take the post as it is. No harm, no foul. Stop worrying OP.

Oroel · 07-01-2011 12:16am

someone else said something about men being 'hardwired' as well.
This is a myth, it has been disproven. Unfortunately i don't have the relevant backing up stuff here with me, but ill do an internet scavenge and find some links about it. Both men and women are multi faceted, and multi layered. saying that they are 'hardwired' to lust after every woman is taking the simple, easy way out of looking at the truth. I guess women are 'hardwired' to stay home and create babies, if thats the truth.

There is obviously something unexpressed in your relationship, something you are missing, if taking an appreciative look at women is going too far, there is something wrong. you need to look at your relationship, thats where the problem lies.

AJG · 07-01-2011 12:52am

Welcome to the wonderful world of possessing testicles and having an imagination. As long as you confine your fantasies to fantasy land then no harm done. Lusting after other women in a relationship is not something that will go away (once the honeymoon period has dissipated). But as long as it's kept to the fantasy realm then no harm done. If your try to act out on these fantasies then your relationship is done.

If in fact you want to take things with your Penelope Cruz look alike further then by all means do. But do the honourble thing and break up with your current girl first.

You do not do a disservice to anyone by having fantasies about other women when your having your 'alone time'. But if you have to get yourself off by pretending the woman your with is someone else then there's trouble afoot.

Any woman who thinks their beau is being unfaithful by having the occasional swift one by the wrist and is thinking only of them is being incredibly disingenuous. They may never admit it to you but I'd think it quite rare if they did. I would ask do women always think of their partner when they masturbate?

Trouble may be afoot if you can't get this other woman out of your head. But if it's a harmless fantasy and in other words your completely loyal, show your girlfriend proper respect, treat her well and in all other ways are attentive to her well being then I wouldn't worry.

Eliot Rosewater · 07-01-2011 2:06am

During the summer I had an experience in which my loyalty to my girlfriend was tested to its absolute extreme. Nothing happened, but I did discover that humbling thing about us human beings: we are fallible.

Lusting after other women isn't bad. **** about them isn't bad. I would go as far as to say that minor transgressions of relationship loyalty aren't really that bad if you're under external influences (hormones, alcohol, etc.) and have a solid relationship. The strictness advocated by some posters here is purism, and such purism fails to take account of human fallibility, in my opinion. I think the best thing to do is to embrace your fallibility as a fundamental part of your person (it is!) and learn to live with.

There are, of course, steps to be taken to minimise such lustfulness. Finding some means of discharge before nights out comes highly recommend.

Butterflylove · 07-01-2011 9:34am

OP how would you feel if your GF was here saying the same as yourself ?

To be honest when it boils down to things like this and other things like taking flirting the bit to far etc, if it was the other way round and you found you GF admitting to such things how would you feel about it?

If someone doesnt have a problem with their OH doing it on them then they shouldnt have an issue or feel like its 'wrong' to do it themselves and while your OH may have different boundries, these are things that should be throw out at the start of a relationship or when things get serious, so everyone is on the same page.

Do you feel like there is a reason why you feel the need to satisfy yourself to these girls rather then your gf? Is your sex life going a bit down hill? These are things that just need to be worked on,

sbsquarepants · 07-01-2011 10:30am

My god kori, you are one very naive girl!

Op, i would say it depends on what you mean by lust. It is perfectly natural to be attracted to attractive people! If Penelope Cruze is your type of girl then of course you are going to be attracted to her, or to someone who looks like her, she doesn't look any different because you now have a girlfriend for god sake! That is perfectly fine and will not stop no matter how much anyone else tells you it "should" Seeing someone and thinking they are hot is absolutely harmless.
If on the other hand you mean you are actually longing to be with other women, or actively seeking out opportunities to be with other women, then that is simply indicative of the fact that either you are not ready for a monogamous relationship right now, or perhaps you are not with the right person.
Here's 2 cliches, but both are true. Men DO think differently to women, frankly anyone that can't see that is deluding themselves! Secondly, you CAN'T choose who you love, you can't make yourself love someone anymore than you could make them love you. Be honest, with yourself most importantly, and with your girlfriend, and don't beat yourself up over what you want out of life!

Ellen33 · 07-01-2011 10:53am

That is so naive kori I am sorry - you don't know what your fiance thinks at every moment. Being engaged and devoted doesn't mean a man stops thinking!

prinz · 07-01-2011 11:03am

I don't think kori was attempting to claim she knows what ther fiancé is thinking 24/7 but moreso that he doesn't put time and effort into getting himself off over other women. I don't do that either, and I am male.

Fittle · 07-01-2011 11:15am

I'm sorry, but this made me laugh out loud!

You have no clue what or who your boyfriend thinks about when he is doing that!!! He obviously tells you it's you he's thinking about you only, but there are very few, if any men or women who ONLY think of their partner while they are 'seeing' to themselves:rolleyes:. It reminds me of a friend of mine who told me her husband accidently logged onto a porn website a while back and was too embarrassed to tell her about it, until she found it...he is (of course) appalled by porn websites:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Anyway OP, you are not unlike any man in the universe. Once you don't act upon your lust for other women, there is no reason to feel bad about how you feel - it's perfectly normal.

Pebbles68 · 07-01-2011 12:47pm

I'm with my partner ten years and I can guarantee you neither of us have gone blind nor lost our imagination. Having experienced hypnosis I know how powerful the mind can be and it is possible to create extremely vivid mental pictures. But they are only in the imagination. Stop beating yourself up over it. As long as you don't cheat or allow your imagination distort your relationship I say good luck to you.

As for being chatted up by an attractive girl, fair play. We all enjoy an ego boost from time to time. Just don't go out looking for it and remember there's a girl waiting at home to chat you up. Just don't let the relationship go stale or fall into a routine. If your sex life has become routine take some initiative, remember you have a responsibility to keep the reelationship interesting and exciting too. And communicate, talk to her, you just never know she may have stuff she would like to try;)

johnr1 · 07-01-2011 3:03pm

Utterly ridiculous ! Read up a bit on the subject, - for example in the thread here last week.....

OP, Most people, women and men, are attracted to others beyond their partners. Many of us fantasize to some extent or think about work colleagues, randomers we met, or celebs(Il never understand that one) while mastrubating.
Whenever I have really loved the person Im with, I've noticed that while I still notice really attractive women, the need to do something about it is lessened and its easier to pass by. Are you sure of how you feel about your OH ? It will occasionally be hard to look the other way when an attractive woman comes on to you, but it shouldn't be hellishly difficult all the time.

fungun · 07-01-2011 4:25pm

Agree with post above. I talk to my partner about this....I definitely find more other women attractive than she finds other men....but we both do see other attractive people. And both of us have fantasised about them. Some light flirting is also ok, makes you feel good to be attractive to others. But if it gets to the point where you feel you wouldnt want your partner seeing the way you act then it probably means you have gone too far.
And as said above, i dont think it should be that difficult if you have a happy sex life with your partner....might be cyclical a bit, but shouldnt be that hard all the time.

Would your partner be receptive to talking about this? Its great if yes, makes for a great reln if you can talk openly & honestly about this stuff

Lusting for other women

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