What is best thing to do?

LegacyUser

I am married 2 years. 27 year old female. Was with him since I was 19. In hindsight we got married too young. There were a couple of times during the relationship when we almost broke up and in hindsight we should have. He was right for me when I was 19/20 but not now.
The thing is I have fallen in love with someone else who is also married but is like me, got married too young and is unhappy in his marriage. I know this was wrong to do and before it happened I would have judged anyone who had an affair.
But that is the situation I am in. I have gone through so much heartache over it all and have been very depressed and have had suicidal thoughts.
I feel so trapped. I don't want to hurt anyone and let my family and my husbands family down but I know in my heart I would be so much happier with the man I have fallen in love with. What should I do? Is it better to just try and stay in my marriage and live my life always knowing I could have been much happier so that I don't hurt my husband and because of what everyone will think or should I go with my heart? If my husband is not right for me then I am not right for him either and surely he will be better off in the long term as he can find someone who really loves him and is right for him? He is young too, the same age as me.
Thanks and any advice would be much appreciated.

LegacyUser

You'd be leaving them down far more by staying in this marriage when your head and your heart are elsewhere.
Had you thought of leaving the marriage prior to meeting this other guy? Would you consider counselling?
If new guy ended up NOT leaving his wife for you, after you leaving your husband, would you be ok on your own? Or if he changed his mind& decided to return to his wife, again, would you be ok? You must consider the risk that you may end up alone. Is that better than what you have now?

Milkmaid

You were very young when you got married. You don't mention children for either you or your affair partner.
If there are no children involved I would say you would best to move out and give yourself time to yourself. I got tied into a relationship in my teens and I really don't think those relationships work out long term. I changed into a different person between the ages of 20 and 30. I have gone through a separation/divorce and it isn't easy but we are much better apart.
Once you have kids it gets much harder to split up, I am sorry I didn't leave the first year, although I wouldn't be without my kids.
Anyone I ever met who separated said they knew within months of the wedding they should never have married.
It takes time to get over a marriage split and I think the other man is just adding to your confusion. Take time away from your husband and get counselling together. You need to tell him that you are unhappy and if you do decide to split then a counsellor can help you do this.
If you have kids then the counselling is even more important. Kids lives are very upset by divorce and life as a single parent can very lonely and financially difficult for everyone. If this other man has kids and you don't then take stock of what you are doing to his wife and his children's lives.
A separation is much much harder when kids are involved and either way you are being very cruel to her...a woman who has done nothing to you.
Take time to think about your marriage, if you do decide to split then do it because your marriage isn't working NOT for this other man....you don't even know if he will be around 6months from now!
The reality is that some people cheat on their spouses and never intend to have anything serious with their affair partner..even if they say they love you etc etc.
He might be cheating for a variety of reasons and never really want to be with you..your affair is not like a normal relationship, it is in a bubble away from reality and has started out on the backs of lies and hurt of other people.
Do you really want to be with a man who cheats, has told lies to the woman he lives with?
Your marriage is in trouble and you owe it to your husband to either make it work or leave. Then after a time of getting used to being single you would be ready emotionally to date someone else.
Don't be under any illusions..when you divorce and you are back out in the dating world then the next guy who comes along won't be husband no.2..you will be back in the tough world of dating again, and the other guy might decide to stay with his wife or dump you even if he leaves her.
I say these things because I had no choice but to go the divorce route, but I have met people who left their marriages because they felt tied down, only to find that the dating world is full of sharks and they walked away from the best thing they ever had.
I am sorry for sounding harsh, but I have been amazed to see women leave a good husband for Mills and Boon ideas about a cheating cad.
When I separated I was prepared to live by myself, to divorce because it was the best thing for me to do for my kids....and I did it with a clear conscience.
Take a huge step back from the other man, don't bank on him being around and then ask yourself do you still want a divorce?And remember he is a liar and a cheat.

Carpe_Diem

You should never leave a marriage for another relationship. You should leave for you and you alone. As has been said, what if this guy doesn't leave his wife? What if you find out after you've left your husband that he's not what you think he is?

Relationships change you. Like you said, you though you were choosing the right person when you married your husband. You found out you were wrong. You need time to be with you (no relationship) to get to know who you are now, what you want now, and you need to learn again that you are an independent, strong woman. Jumping from man to man doesn't let you touch base with yourself and doesn't let you get firm on yourself, it has you jumping into something that you'll be even further changed in, without knowing what's changed so far! How can you make good decisions for yourself when you aren't in touch with yourself? Getting back to YOU means knowing who you are and thereby knowing what's right for you. Until then, you're compounding your problem.

"Disappointing family" shouldn't be a consideration. You live in your life, they don't. Your happiness is what matters.

D rog

Are you leaving him because it's not right, or for the other guy?

If the former, and you're 100% sure, then you should sit down as soon as possible and have a frank discussion with him. Why would you want to stay in a relationship you're not happy in, and why should he have to unknowningly have a relationship where the other persons heart isn't in it? You have to be honest with him.

If the latter, then think about what you're considering. Do you have 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrome? Is it likely this other person will leave their partner? Have you already been unfaithful? Are there children involved in either relationship?

You really should think about why you've decided your husband isn't right for you, it does sound to me like you've decided this other person is more 'you'. What happens when that relationship also changes? Have you considered telling your husband how you feel about your relationship and considering marriage counselling?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for your replies everyone. Much appreciated.
Before this happened I would be the first to condemn someone who had an affair and call them every name under the sun. But it happened to me - I fell in love with some one else and the heartache and guilt I feel is unbelievable.
It is not infatuation or lust though. I know this man inside out and know in my heart I would have a happier life with him. He feels the same about me. I think that we were both unhappy in our marriages and didn't realise just how happy we could be until we got to know each other. Unfortunately he has a toddler and that makes me feel even worse. But on the other hand would that child be happy growing up with unhappily married parents? I know that these things can work out and the children can be happy. I don't have children.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just such a mess. We both wish we had met eachother before we had got married.

Milkmaid

I really do think you need to step out of this situation with this other man.
You are in a much better position to pick up and recover from a divorce than his wife. I also don't buy the "I didn't mean it to happen" ....you are an adult and you are knowingly wrecking a family.
Karma has a nasty way of biting people on the toosh.. You have none of the stresses his wife has , how do you know he won't go off you when you have baby spit-up on you and have been up all night with a teething baby?
Also if this man does leave his wife he will have to pay maintenance and possible spousal maintenance...he will have a serious drop in income, are you going to help him pay the maintenance and rent/mortgage on 2 homes?
I think you are really being unrealistic...the fact is that a lot of men who go through divorce get into rebound relationships.
You are in a fantasy with a man who is going to get caught and the crap will hit the fan when he has to sort out access to his child because his wife will feel very hurt and betrayed.
What you're doing is wrong and will end in tears.

Oryx

I understand that your marriage may not be the right thing for you, but dont let that get tangled up with your feelings for this other man. You say you know him inside out, but think about it. Right now, I imagine you spend furtive, exciting, happy (if guiltridden) time with him. Its snatched time, and there is never enough of it, so its probably a bit emotional and overheated. Then you go home and your life with your husband is the part that is mundane and dull, its where you actually get on with the ordinariness of living.

So you have two half lives going on. One boring, one exciting. Now, if you leave your husband, and make a go of it with the new man, do remember that youll have to do the dull stuff with him, and that might make all the difference. An affair is a bit of a fairytale, it only has the good bits of another person. In order to truly know someone, you need to know them as a fully rounded person. You cant do that within an affair.

I wish you luck with your situation, I hope you make the right choices for you. Life is definitely too short to spend your life with someone who is incompatible. Just step back from the emotion of where you are right now, and look at the situation with a big dose of reality. Dont make decisions based on your heart alone.

I have met very few people who regret a separation once it is done, but all describe complete carnage while its ongoing.

LegacyUser

anon so sad wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for your replies everyone. Much appreciated.
Before this happened I would be the first to condemn someone who had an affair and call them every name under the sun. But it happened to me - I fell in love with some one else and the heartache and guilt I feel is unbelievable.
It is not infatuation or lust though. I know this man inside out and know in my heart I would have a happier life with him. He feels the same about me. I think that we were both unhappy in our marriages and didn't realise just how happy we could be until we got to know each other. Unfortunately he has a toddler and that makes me feel even worse. But on the other hand would that child be happy growing up with unhappily married parents? I know that these things can work out and the children can be happy. I don't have children.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just such a mess. We both wish we had met eachother before we had got married.

I think you should talk to your husband and explain that you are leaving and have no interest in relationship counseling or solving the issues.
Then you should leave and set yourself up happily in your own life.

You haven't answered whether you have already been unfaithful?
When you are out of the relationship and have your own place and everything else, then you can continue with whatever the relationship you have with the second man in.
You shouldn't expect or put pressure on him to leave his family. It is up to him what he does in his relationship.

At least then when everything goes wrong- one innocent party (your husband) will be well clear.

johnnyvega86

anon so sad wrote: »

I am married 2 years. 27 year old female. Was with him since I was 19. In hindsight we got married too young. There were a couple of times during the relationship when we almost broke up and in hindsight we should have. He was right for me when I was 19/20 but not now.
The thing is I have fallen in love with someone else who is also married but is like me, got married too young and is unhappy in his marriage. I know this was wrong to do and before it happened I would have judged anyone who had an affair.
But that is the situation I am in. I have gone through so much heartache over it all and have been very depressed and have had suicidal thoughts.
I feel so trapped. I don't want to hurt anyone and let my family and my husbands family down but I know in my heart I would be so much happier with the man I have fallen in love with. What should I do? Is it better to just try and stay in my marriage and live my life always knowing I could have been much happier so that I don't hurt my husband and because of what everyone will think or should I go with my heart? If my husband is not right for me then I am not right for him either and surely he will be better off in the long term as he can find someone who really loves him and is right for him? He is young too, the same age as me.
Thanks and any advice would be much appreciated.

There is no garantee that if you leave your husband that this other guy will leave his wife if that is what you are looking for and you have to consider her feelings if she is unaware of your affair.

But that is not as important as how you feel about your own marriage.

If you are absolutely sure it's over, tell you husband and leave him.
Living a lie, if you are absolutely sure your marriage is can't be saved, would not be fair on your or your husband and because you haven't mentioned kids, I'll presume you haven't got any, it's not much worse that bf/gf break-up tbh.
Breaking up is not the end of the world, your husband won't be happy but he'll just have to get over it if you are not happy being married to him any more.
It's your life and not anybody else's.
If you change your mind and stick with the marriage that's your business and if you go with what your heart tells you right now that's your business too.
Just be sure you do what you want to do.
Trust your instincts and go with them.

LegacyUser

Op a relative of mine is in this situation, except she's not married. But the man in question is, with a child.

Your marriage is your problem, and you need to think a lot about what you want.

BUT...leave the other guy out of this. If you chose to leave, and expect him to, you are affecting so many more lives than just yours. His wife.His kid. Will his friends and family ever accept you? What about your OH? What happens to him? What about your family??How will they feel, is there a chance any of them might chose to cut you out of their lives? (harsh, but has happened)

I know when you read books, and even forums like this, people give loads of conflicting advice, and it all seems "simple". Break up, and a paragraph covers the agony of the next 6 months, year, whatever, and then the next bit is about how great everything has worked out for you.

What it omits to focus on is the heartbreak this causes for the parties involved, and their extended families and aquaintances.

If you feel there is no hope at all for your marriage, then you need to sort that out for yourself and your OH. But don't factor this other guy into your thinking. It has to be an independent decision, separate from him.

LegacyUser

plastic bag wrote: »

Op a relative of mine is in this situation, except she's not married. But the man in question is, with a child.

Your marriage is your problem, and you need to think a lot about what you want.

BUT...leave the other guy out of this. If you chose to leave, and expect him to, you are affecting so many more lives than just yours. His wife.His kid. Will his friends and family ever accept you? What about your OH? What happens to him? What about your family??How will they feel, is there a chance any of them might chose to cut you out of their lives? (harsh, but has happened)

I know when you read books, and even forums like this, people give loads of conflicting advice, and it all seems "simple". Break up, and a paragraph covers the agony of the next 6 months, year, whatever, and then the next bit is about how great everything has worked out for you.

What it omits to focus on is the heartbreak this causes for the parties involved, and their extended families and aquaintances.

If you feel there is no hope at all for your marriage, then you need to sort that out for yourself and your OH. But don't factor this other guy into your thinking. It has to be an independent decision, separate from him.

A thoughtful post.

I had a similar situation, though my other man wasn't married. I stayed with my husband because of fondness and guilt, but realised after the other man was gone, that it was my guilt about being unfaithful that had kept my marriage afloat. We're still together, because we have issues holding us together for now.

You're younger however. At 27 your life can still take lots of different turns. I wish I had been braver.

Unfortunately there is no painless way though this, and no one here can give an answer either, although I would like to scream at you to leave him and be brave. That would be my experience talking, which is different from yours.
I don't think you should feel too much guilt over the married man's responsibilities. They're his not yours. But you should back off until you're single. Take time for you. If you do choose to leave your husband, presume that you are going it alone, as you don't know if this man will follow through and waiting for him would be torture, with no guarantees.
But it might all work out, I've seen it work for people in your situation.

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thanks for all the replies.
Sorry for the delay in getting back to ye.
I totally understand the posts saying that life would be different if I was actually together with the man I love because we would have all the hard bits. I would have thought the same until I ended up in this situation. However it is not at all like that. The time we have together is not all great and exciting etc. etc. We are both often stressed and upset and down because both of us are in agony being trapped in unhappy marriages. At this stage we have both seen the worst of each other so it definitely not a case that if we got together we wouldn't be happy!
In both our marriages we were the ones who did everything and looked after our spouses in every way. If I'm honest both my husband and his wife are selfish and lazy people. Now I know that does not excuse what we've done but I suppose it may explain why we ended up having an affair with each other.
I am really in bits over this, not sleeping, have lost weight, am generally very sad. I have told no one about this and the man I love is the only one I can talk to about this. Obviously though in evenings and weekends I can't contact him much so it is very hard. I feel so guilty and always worry if my husband would be ok without me and what his family and my family would think if we split up. I know that he, and they, are expecting us to build a house and have babies soon and the thought of that fills me with dread fear and panic!!

LegacyUser

OP, I posted here before.

Firstly you need to talk to someone. I am saying this from watching the experience of my own relative. As with you, the only person who knew for months on end, was the other person in this "relationship", though in her case, she refused to have an affair with him.

From your perspective now, both of your spouses seem awful. If one of you leaves their relationship, and starts pushing the other to do the same - this perspective of the spouse may change. Suddenly, the spouse may become a safe haven, and the desire to leave may reduce.

I know I'm playing devil's advocate here. I'm just trying to get it across to you that this idea of leaving is something that you've obviously both thought/discussed/analysed about endlessly, from the "comfort" of your secret relationship. The actual reality of it may be something very,very different.

In my case, I guessed what was going on with my relative and this man. And they have both put themselves through hell for over a year now, until she finally broke and asked someone (more qualified than me!!) for help. There's been endless tears, panic attacks, stopped eating, she's been very ill, she's practically cut herself off from everyone else in her misery at how she's feeling.....but where's it all going? And for what? She's now in a position where she's trying to rebuild her life, as is he.

Don't let this go on any longer. You need to take yourself to a counsellor.Someone who is an independent, fresh pair of eyes on this situation. I'm not going to tell you to leave your husband, because right now, you're far too blinded, emotional and up close to the situation to have any sort of perspective to make a balanced judgement. You need to get away from this other man, seperate yourself from him long enough to try and figure out what you really want. And to give him the space to see if what you want is what he wants, and vice versa.

Either way OP, this is not going to be pretty. You have to get yourself some help, to talk to someone. And if you want to, bring your husband along. Humans are funny creatures; our brains can play very strange tricks on us sometimes, as can our emotions and thoughts. Don't ever underestimate them. I just think we can get ourselves into very intense situations sometimes and make decisions we regret. And unfortunately, I'm also old-fashioned enough (though very close in age to yourself) to believe that when you marry someone, a certain level of commitment is required, that you owe it to yourself and your partner to do everything possible to make things work before writing off your marriage. Something that means very little to many people in today's world. Just remember that it's not just you here.

In answer to the question of your thread title OP, I'm saying the best thing to do is go and find some form of counselling for yourself. I'm not saying it's the right answer, or the only answer, I'm just saying that, given the state you're in right now and from my own experience of watching someone else in this state, talking to an unbiased listener is your best option.

LegacyUser

Thanks Plastic Bag.
I know you're right, I do really need to talk to someone. I often decide to do so but then chicken out. I go through phases of coping "ok" with it all and phases of complete meltdown (usually when there's a significant period where I can't talk to him). Did your relation and the man she was in love with end up cutting contact with eachother and going back to their own lives?

When this whole thing first started we both said that our spouses would have to leave us as neither of us wanted to leave them (didn't want to hurt them and our families). We didn't think that it would take long for them to leave us as both our marriages were in a mess. Now though, I would be prepared to leave my husband as I just can't go on any longer. However, as the man I love has a child, and his wife is "difficult" he still wants her to leave him. I understand and agree with this as if he leaves her we both know that she will make things very difficult for him in terms of his child, his house, everything. She contributed nothing to their house, he worked very hard for it and she appreciated none of it. In the long term it's better if she leaves him. However it's going to take time and that is the hard part.

Carpe_Diem

anon so sad wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for your replies everyone. Much appreciated.
Before this happened I would be the first to condemn someone who had an affair and call them every name under the sun. But it happened to me - I fell in love with some one else and the heartache and guilt I feel is unbelievable.
It is not infatuation or lust though. I know this man inside out and know in my heart I would have a happier life with him. He feels the same about me. I think that we were both unhappy in our marriages and didn't realise just how happy we could be until we got to know each other. Unfortunately he has a toddler and that makes me feel even worse. But on the other hand would that child be happy growing up with unhappily married parents? I know that these things can work out and the children can be happy. I don't have children.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just such a mess. We both wish we had met eachother before we had got married.

Look, I'm not judging you for having an affair and I know you think you know this guy inside out but you don't. You know those wonder, intense feelings you have in a new relationship, you know that chemical rush you get from it, the electric feeling you get from a touch and all that? Affairs stay in that early stage because you don't get the kind of time it takes to move on from it. You're getting stolen moments and secret times, not days and weeks of relaxed time together, not the months and months of being together that it takes for a relationship to move on past that beginning stage to a more stable, real stage, to where you know each other better. Even affairs that have been going on for years are still in this early stage and when you hear people in these affairs say they're strong, deep relationships because they still feel so strong and electric, it's because they're still in that baby stage. You and this guy are in that stage.

Another thing you have to stop and put some thought into is this:

You're saying this guy is wonderful for you and you've been with him for how long? And how long did you know your husband before you married him? Did you learn from your marriage that what you see early on in the relationship doesn't mean that's what you'll end up with? Do you recognize that while you may know some things about this guy, there's a much longer list of what you don't know? Until you've been with a guy for a full year (not stolen moments on the sly) you don't know who he is or if he's right because you haven't had time to observe him in all the situations that will come up to know how he acts, what he really thinks, what he really does. Sure. you know what he says he'll do, but until you've seen it, you don't know.

If he's unhappy in his marriage, then he should leave for himself and he should spend a good amount of time working on himself. You should do the same. Leaving one relationship for another is always a mistake, always ends up in a second divorce. You already feel guilt for his daughter, don't be the reason he left. Make sure he does it for himself and make sure if he moves into a relationship with you it's after he's spent time on himself, not jumping from his wife to you, screwing up his daughter in the process. You need to do the same for yourself. You're worth enough to spend the time on yourself to know you're making a good decision for yourself.

beks101

anon so sad wrote: »

When this whole thing first started we both said that our spouses would have to leave us as neither of us wanted to leave them (didn't want to hurt them and our families). We didn't think that it would take long for them to leave us as both our marriages were in a mess. Now though, I would be prepared to leave my husband as I just can't go on any longer. However, as the man I love has a child, and his wife is "difficult" he still wants her to leave him. I understand and agree with this as if he leaves her we both know that she will make things very difficult for him in terms of his child, his house, everything. She contributed nothing to their house, he worked very hard for it and she appreciated none of it. In the long term it's better if she leaves him. However it's going to take time and that is the hard part.

This is a very messed up way of thinking OP. It means you're basically waiting in purgatory until the day that his 'difficult' wife decides that she's had enough, so that you too can bolt out the door and you can finally be together. And what if that day never arrives? What if his wife is just 'difficult' enough to stick by him and ruin your and his plans? What if leaving him is the last thing on her mind, and in her books her marriage is no better or worse than anyone else's...what if, God forbid, she's not really as horrible a person as her husband paints her to be and instead she's just a woman trying to raise a child with an unsupportive husband?

I think you need to seriously consider the strong common denominator here and think about how that may be affecting your feelings for one another. You are both in unhappy marriages, you both want out, badly. To have someone empathise, sympathise and fully understand your marriage situation at a time when presumably you have no-one else to confide in, may have been a factor in your feelings for one another, and an element that is going to disappear down the line if you both decide to leave your marriages. There's a chance that both your desires to leave your partners are stronger than the love you have for one another, but you serve as respective scape goats for one another.

If you decide to leave your husband, you need to do it for yourself, not for this man. You need to make the decision with the expectation of being alone, a single woman, once you leave and not jumping into the little safety net you both seem to have created for each other. Because feelings may change and disappear as the dynamic of the relationship changes. Things will get nasty, his wife will get a hell of a lot more difficult, there will be side-taking, gossiping, b1tching, a potential loss of family members or friends from all sides and you need to decide if you are unhappy enough if your marriage to risk all this, without the promise of a loving relationship that ultimately is not based remotely in reality as it currently stands.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
I totally understand that ye think I am fooling myself. If a friend came to me and told me the same stuff I have written here I would tell him to get a grip and cut all contact with the guy.
But I know in my heart that we would be so happy together. We think the same way, have the same point of view and opinions on things, want the same things out of life. I know how it looks, but the fact of the matter is that we both got married too young to the wrong people and would be much better suited to each other. Believe me, I wish this wasn't the case, I wish it was my husband I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, because I am going through hell and I don't think I would do that for a man that wasn't worth it. I trust him 100% and I know people will say, how can I, he is a cheat. But the only reason he is a cheat is because he is in an unhappy marriage and made a mistake by marrying the wrong person. I am also "a cheat" now. I hate that I am and I don't want to be. I know I would never cheat on the man I have met as we would be happy and have no need.
Does anyone out there have experience of an affair working out? I'm sure it must have happened someone.....
Am so devastated over all this.
Thanks for everyones posts.

RealistSpy

Hi OP.

"Nothing easy is worth fighting for!". Relationship goes through different phase and it seems you are in the Reality stage. As everyone as been saying you need time alone by yourself for yourself.

If you leave for another relationship, what happens after the honeymoon period is over? You get sad and fall for the next man that pays you attention and compliments your every move?

At the end of the day, you will make your decision regardless of what anyone says. You and your Partner need to talk. You got married for a reason right.

GL.

LegacyUser

Anyone know of an affair that worked out?
I just can't imagine my life without him, I know I'll always regret it if I let him go. I won't be happy with my husband and I am so scared

I am a friend

If you know you cant be happy with your husband why cant you leave him without having to leave him for this guy? Its the fairest and most decent thing to do, your husband deserves that at least. He deserves the chance to meet someone else and now that you know you dont want him you need to leave. Its not right to stay and use him until you have the other fella as a safety net and are ready to scoot off.

I know a couple who left partners for each other and got married. He is having flings all over the place now on wife no 2.

The late Sir James Goldsmith on marrying his mistress Lady Annabel Birley declared "When one marries one's mistress, one creates a vacancy".

Carpe_Diem

anon so sad wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
I totally understand that ye think I am fooling myself. If a friend came to me and told me the same stuff I have written here I would tell him to get a grip and cut all contact with the guy.
But I know in my heart that we would be so happy together. We think the same way, have the same point of view and opinions on things, want the same things out of life. I know how it looks, but the fact of the matter is that we both got married too young to the wrong people and would be much better suited to each other. Believe me, I wish this wasn't the case, I wish it was my husband I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, because I am going through hell and I don't think I would do that for a man that wasn't worth it. I trust him 100% and I know people will say, how can I, he is a cheat. But the only reason he is a cheat is because he is in an unhappy marriage and made a mistake by marrying the wrong person. I am also "a cheat" now. I hate that I am and I don't want to be. I know I would never cheat on the man I have met as we would be happy and have no need.
Does anyone out there have experience of an affair working out? I'm sure it must have happened someone.....
Am so devastated over all this.
Thanks for everyones posts.

It's not so dire. You're not happy with your husband whether new guy is in the picture or not, right? You'll want out of your marriage regardless, right? So end it - move out, get that divorce and get on with your life. Tell the guy you're having an affair with that you're very much looking forward to a relationship with him, but you need time for yourself first, as does he. You spend that good chunk of time working on you and he can leave his wife and do the same. After you've spent this time, each of you working on yourselves, you can get together and from there figure out if a relationship between the two of you is what is best for you, based on all the fog you've been able to clear out of your heads and the new you that you've each now discovered. Nothing lost there - if it's still right, you're together and all is good. If it's not right, you're still out of that bad marriage and you'll thank your stars that you didn't attach yourself to another relationship that was headed for disaster. Time to yourself doesn't mean you can't ultimately be with this guy. It just means you have to give yourself time first. If a relationship between you is really right, it'll still be right. If it's not, you'll be glad you didn't dive in and trade one bad place for another.

Taltos

Hi OP.
Normally I would be on the offensive right about now so rarely respond to these threads. However, your posts are painting a picture of someone of so many conflicting thoughts and fears that I felt I had to respond.

Beks & the anon are totally on the ball here in their advice to you.
You really, 100% need to take the time and get the support you need to figure out what it is you want and how to ultimately be happy - hence the counseling.

I now your head is melting on the what-if's - what-if she leaves him... Next will come - what-if she finds out, will she leave him there? What-if I just tell her.. Now maybe you won't but you can see the risk. You need to stop wondering about how both of you can be together.
I know this is counter-intuitive - but you need to focus on you.
What can you do to make yourself stronger, not only physically but mentally and psychologically. Clearly, no matter if you and this new guy do end up together your marriage is over and you need to work on ending that causing minimal pain to your husband. Whether or not he is as lazy as you now think, he does not deserve to be hurt for you falling out of love with him.

Ideally like the others I would also suggest you spend some time apart from the new guy in order to get your head straight but I am not sure you will do this. Instead do all you can not to focus on blaming his wife or dreaming of a happily ever after, you need instead to work on the here and now, and do all you can to try to move your life forward again. Whatever you may think of her - he clearly cared enough to have sex at least once and have a child with this woman. (Just wondering internally did he start looking when her attention was split from just him to care for their newborn...)

In answer to your question - can these work?
Yes they can - but only if both parties don't bring emotional baggage into the new relationship - hence the recommendation to work on sorting out your separation/divorce and not spending time with him now. Otherwise your new relationship runs the huge risk of being poisoned by the end of the old. Either way - you need some time alone right now with an unbiased 3rd party to work through what is going on in your head (& heart).

LegacyUser

OP you keep asking will this new relationship work? You don't seem prepared to spend any time on your own. You've been in a long term relationship since you were 19, that's almost 10 years. Yes it's scary going from always being with someone to being on your own but it's healthy.

A friend of mine went from one relationship to the next. In fact she told me she always had another guy lined up! That girl went from an engagement to another relationship. After 6 months of a whirlwind romance and declaring that she never felt this way before, she got
married. Needless to say she is seperated now.

But she always defined herself by her relationship. If I was to ask her about her job or something she would always twist it around to talking about her boyfriend. It felt like her personality wasn't fully rounded or something. People need time on their own to know themselves. To develop independence, their own interests, resilience. If you're a full person on your own then you have so much to offer someone else.

If you are only half a person (belonging to someone else) then you can't offer them an awful lot. What happens if you split up with this person - you'll be only half a person again.

OP work on yourself before jumping into another long term relationship.

astra2000

Hi op I feel for you and what you are going through I really do, but I do not understand what you are doing. You are with a man you dont love any more, you love someone else, you have no children, appear not to have a house binding you together either, and you are still with him. Tbh that is really unfair you are hedging your bets. You day he is selfish but you did choose to marry him after knowing him a long time so even though you may have married young it is not like you went into the marriage with your eyes closed.
Stop blaming your husband, you are the one having an affair, you no longer love him and you are not happy in your marriage, I am not critising you just stating facts. Sure his family will be upset so may yours but this is your life aside from your husband, whom you dont love you anyway, no one else in either family needs to be dramatically affected long term. I think your husband deserves better than a wife who doesnt love him and is seeing another man, move out and allow him to move on with his life and hopefully meet someone he loves.
Now as for your new man it sounds as if you love him very much, but remember you once though you loved your husband enough to stay with him forever, dont use age as an excuse, you were a grown adult when you got married not a kid. I agree with every body else you should be on your own for a while you need to give yourself time to get a clear head and some new perspective.

LegacyUser

OP....I'm not sure what the 2 that I know have done exactly. I know they are not trying for a relationship together;the problem is on his side, and he has to work out what he wants to do with his marriage.I think he's similar to you in that he has been with his wife since he was young, although they only got married in recent years. My relative is doing her best right now to get on with her life...every day has it's ups and downs.

I'm going to repeat myself here.....you need to talk to someone, a counsellor or something. I don't think you should leave your marriage quite yet - I know a bit about drowning in my own fears, insecurities and tears, and it's not the place to be making big decisions from. It places a massive amount of stress on your body and mind to be worrying all the time like this (I know, I'm there at the moment about other stuff), and your thoughts tend to be wholly and completely irrational....you don't know what you feel from one moment to the next.

So as I said, talk to someone. If the conclusion you draw is that you are better off leaving your husband, then that's what you do.But don't make your decision based on the current situation you now find yourself in. Deal with one thing at a time, and the first thing on your list should be your marriage and yourself.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I really appreciate your advice.
I can understand those who tell me I need time on my own. I have tried to break from the man I love but it is just so hard and I miss him terribly. Also we have had times (up to two weeks) when we didn't see eachother and have had very little contact (due to circumstances outside our control) and these times have given me time to think and I always come up with the same answer - that I would have a much happier life with him.
I'm not sure I concur with all the opinions about needing time on my own after leaving my husband to get over it by myself - I don't think starting a new relationship straight away would have a bad effect on me. In fact I know that the man I love would really help me get over it all and would understand and I would help him too. I have never been one to lose myself in relationships and have always had a strong sense of myself as a separate person in my own right.
I know this is all ifs and buts because I might never get to be with him properly :-(
I often get overcome with the guilt and pressure and decide that what I will do is just live my life with my husband and try and accept things. But it terrifies me as I don't want to move on in my life with him. I want to set up a home and have babies but not with my husband - with someone else :-(

Missgoggles

OP could you imagine how your husband would feel knowing that the women he is spending his life with, doesn't want him. Yes you married young, and now you have found someone else.
Why the heck are you stringing your husband along? Do you not think he deserves to find someone that makes him feel the same way you feel with your new guy? If you truly dont love your husband anymore then leave him. Stop wasting any more of his time and let him go and find someone that will love him. Do you think if your husband found this thread, that you would have a chance to think about what you want?
You know what you want, you want your new man, so start the proceedings. You cant predict the future, so it may work out with your new guy, it may not, but at least your husband will have a chance to move on like you have. Your going to hurt him, no matter if you stay or leave him, because you will be living a lie. People grow apart, but I personally think people shouldn't stay in marriages if there is no love left. Goodluck with whatever you do.

IrishEyes19

Carpe_Diem wrote: »

You should never leave a marriage for another relationship. You should leave for you and you alone. As has been said, what if this guy doesn't leave his wife? What if you find out after you've left your husband that he's not what you think he is?

Relationships change you. Like you said, you though you were choosing the right person when you married your husband. You found out you were wrong. You need time to be with you (no relationship) to get to know who you are now, what you want now, and you need to learn again that you are an independent, strong woman. Jumping from man to man doesn't let you touch base with yourself and doesn't let you get firm on yourself, it has you jumping into something that you'll be even further changed in, without knowing what's changed so far! How can you make good decisions for yourself when you aren't in touch with yourself? Getting back to YOU means knowing who you are and thereby knowing what's right for you. Until then, you're compounding your problem.

"Disappointing family" shouldn't be a consideration. You live in your life, they don't. Your happiness is what matters.

Exactly what I think. Getting into another relationship after one is just hazzardous, especially since you are married, you'll be carrying the burden of seperation and possible divorce down the road with you, and you're going to be stressed enough without the added stress of a new relationship. Furthermore, just because you are brave enough to leave your relationship, doesnt mean the other man will and you could be facing heart break again. Also you need some you time just like "Carpe Diem" has said here. You got into a committed relationship very young, and throwing yourself back into one wont help that. You are lucky enough to be young enough to be happy single, and go out and enjoy yourself. I would take advantage of that before committing to anything else.

Cheeky_gal

anon so sad wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for your replies everyone. Much appreciated.
Before this happened I would be the first to condemn someone who had an affair and call them every name under the sun. But it happened to me - I fell in love with some one else and the heartache and guilt I feel is unbelievable.
It is not infatuation or lust though. I know this man inside out and know in my heart I would have a happier life with him. He feels the same about me. I think that we were both unhappy in our marriages and didn't realise just how happy we could be until we got to know each other. Unfortunately he has a toddler and that makes me feel even worse. But on the other hand would that child be happy growing up with unhappily married parents? I know that these things can work out and the children can be happy. I don't have children.
I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just such a mess. We both wish we had met eachother before we had got married.

Jesus people amaze me. Enough of the self pitying. You did a horrible thing on your husband. What's the point in saying "I feel bad" etc. You cheated on him, end of. You should have left him the minute this affair started.

You say "we got married too young, how I felt for him when I was 19/20 is different to how I feel for him now". Well who's to say you won't fall out of love with this guy when you're 35/40?

You need to be honest with your hubbie and tell him about the affair, he DESERVES to know that much at least. And as another poster said you should be leaving the relationship for you, not for this other man (who by the sounds of it sounds another bad egg considering he's been cheating on his wife with you while he has a child). Unbelievable. It's disgusting.

I am a friend

It's very clear from your last post that you are not interested in either doing right by your husband or listening to the advice you are getting here. You have made up your mind so you need to leave NOW and then see if your boyfriend does the same?

What happens if he doesn't?

Oryx

anon so sad wrote: »

I want to set up a home and have babies but not with my husband - with someone else :-(

Then sit down with your husband, take a deep breath, and tell him that. You probably wont tell him that you already have that someone else lined up, but the only way out of this is to do something. Otherwise you will be stuck in a paralysis of indecision. (It sounds to me like youre unsure of your feelings either way, or are afraid of the fallout in terms of your lifestyle).

You want a new life? Then you have to do the hard bit to create it. It wont happen by wringing your hands and wishing.

MissFlitworth

Have you considered at all that their marriage is going through what is recognised by many to be the toughest part of any marriage, the first few years after a child is born, and that they may both be finding it incredibly tough going at the moment? Causing her to be 'difficult' (and you only have his word for that) or possibly still going through PND and him to seek comfort elsewhere? Many, many people have marital difficulties after the birth of a child and it takes a while to easy into a what is essentially a totally new relationship with eachother. I'm not saying this man doesn't love you but he has a child, he's part of a family and he may well turn around and decide he owes it to that family to try and save his marriage.

It's not a terrible thing to grow out of a relationship you started in when you were young and it doesn't make you a bad person but you're an adult now and you are an adult who will potentially ruin the lives of 3 different people if you don't cop onto yourself.

If you don't want to be with your husband any more you need to leave him. I would assume your husband loves you so sticking with him, whilst cheating on him and thinking that he's 'selfish', just because you're afraid of being alone is horrible. You kinda sound like you think it'd be the good & honourable thing to do to half-arsedly go through life in a relationship with your husband if this other man won't leave his wife to be with you and it just would not be, there's nothing good about being a martyr! You're hardly going to be able to prevent how sad you feel at being with him to drift over into how you act around him and how you conduct your relationship. Seriously, if your heart isn't in your marriage anymore then end it, you'll be fine on your own while you work out if this other relationship is right or not for you

Carpe_Diem

So you know you need to talk to someone, when are you going to make the appointment? You need help today, stalling at making the call doesn't improve your lot.

LegacyUser

You say you don't want to leave your husband because it might hurt him but you can have an affair..you don't think that it hurtful to your husband? It sounds like you are fine with hurting him as long as you can do it passively. Your husband deserves to know what kind of marriage he is in and that you don't love or respect him and are cheating on him. Telling him that can let him decide if a divorce would be too hurtful. He may decide that what you are doing is far more hurtful than a divorce. As others have said your rose-coloured glasses outlook about Mr. Perfect and riding off into the sunset with him shows a lack of maturity and understanding of relationships. Did you expect your marriage to always be butterflies and excitement? Of course a secret affair is exciting but it is in no way any indication of what life with him would be like...if he even leaves his wife. If you want to leave your husband - then have that conversation and set the ball in motion, and you should do it regardless of what happens with the new guy.

LegacyUser

I'm gonna pop back in here because I can see you're in agony... and also because you've made your feelings about your husband known.

It looks like this isn't so much of a choice if you feel this way about him. I understand the paralysis of indecision, I spent a few years that way, torturing myself over two men, but you actually seem quite clear about your husband.

I can't help wondering if maybe what's stopping you is actually FEAR of the NEW RELATIONSHIP.
(and of course the threat of being alone).

So fear of your new relationship... well it will only be the second adult relationship you've ever known, right? And the man is married to someone else. And, shockingly, he says he'd prefer to wait for his wife to leave him while he ... encourages her to leave? Gives her reason to leave through bad behaviour? Waits for her to give up trying to save them? He's the father of her child; waiting for her to give up hope could take twenty years, and meantime he's playing a passive aggressive role? So what role do you play in this - their relationship?

... I'll just share a little of my story, because it's all that I have.... I fell madly in love with another man, but during that time I never saw my husband as 'lazy and selfish' - though he is - but I felt too guilty to see the wood for the trees. My guilt put him on a pedastal way above me. Meantime, the other man, (the one I should have gone to) waited and waited for me to sort out my ****... and the pressure of my added guilt towards HIM actually made me RESENT HIM, so I painfully (and passive aggressively) held the other man at a distance... even though he was the one I really wanted... sound complex? That's only the first layer of complexity. My feelings got more and more confused.... and in that hurt and confusion, my husband appeared to be a safe harbour, mostly because I'd known him for years. During my (long) affair, I kept telling the other man about how I didn't want to hurt my husband, but deep down I didn't want to leave my husband because I was scared... even though leaving him would have been the right thing to do and a better relationship was waiting for me....

Unlike me, you seem clear about your husband.

Something tells me that the person who's most confused here is actually the man you're having this affair with. He has more to leave and more to loose. I've told you my story to give some kind of indication of how HE may be feeling... towards his wife.

Also you're scared because he is still unknown to you in many ways. You have never been alone in your adult life. Saying you very independent now is not the same as the shock of being really alone. Right now you and your lover are almost equal because you both have partners. But if you leave your man, you become a point on a classic love triangle, and the whole dynamic changes, at least for a short while. You have every reason to be scared, and you have my sympathy.

It's easy for all of us (myself included back on page 1) to say to take some you time, but that's not realistic when you are deeply love in a complex and painful situation and don't have personal resources of experience/independence to fall back on - I'm not judging you, it's just a fact, you're young and you've never really been alone...

Here's my advice:

You don't want your husband. Leave him.

Tell the other man that you want to be with him, full time. Tell him you want marriage. You have a right to say that; he's played a big a part in the wrecking of your marriage as you have in his.

Spend a lovely few days with him, or whatever you guys can manage. Enjoy it, have a great time.
Then (and this is crucial), tell him you won't see him again until he has left his wife, or can prove that he has begun the process e.g. spending nights with you. Meantime, tell him he can call you occasionally, but no meeting, no sex.

I'm sure he loves you... but even with the best of intentions we can destroy each other's lives... and are not a sucker for anyone, right? The more available you are to him, the less incentive he will have to leave the missus.

Get a good counsellor. You are going to need a lot of support during this time. It's going to be tough. Remember, in all of this, you're primary responsibility in all this is not to your husband or him or his baby but to you. You can offer everything to anyone else unless you're in a good place.

You are 27. No matter what happens here, you still have time to have another marriage and a family, with this man or someone else. If you were even three years old I might not give this advice.

Just do it.

LegacyUser

Thanks just a name.
I REALLY appreciate your post.
It feels like you understand my situation. I don't blame the people who posted saying I was a disgrace or that maybe the other couple are just having difficulties due to their young child. Before I got myself into this mess I would have judged someone having an affair too.
I, despite what I am doing, am not stupid and I know that if we get together we are not going to "ride off into the sunset". It would be very hard and no fairytale. But I know that if we were together we would be ok because we would look after eachother.

I know the fact that he wants his wife to leave him sounds ridiculous. But I completely understand why he feels this. It is because of his child. If he leaves her she would be very angry and would use their child to hurt him i.e. making it hard to see him etc. Neither of us want the child to get caught up in a mess like that. Because of his child I don't think he would ever leave her. So if she decides she is going nowhere there isn't much hope for me and that makes me pretty stupid to be waiting! But I just love him and can't let him go.

He has told me everything about their marriage and it is totally empty and was before I got involved. I'm not making excuses or saying that what I have done is ok but that's the reality. He feels very very trapped in his marriage and he loves his child very much.

I know I need to talk to someone and will try to pluck up the courage to do that soon.

Neyite

anon so sad wrote: »

I know the fact that he wants his wife to leave him sounds ridiculous. But I completely understand why he feels this. It is because of his child. If he leaves her she would be very angry and would use their child to hurt him i.e. making it hard to see him etc. Neither of us want the child to get caught up in a mess like that. Because of his child I don't think he would ever leave her. So if she decides she is going nowhere there isn't much hope for me and that makes me pretty stupid to be waiting! But I just love him and can't let him go.

He has told me everything about their marriage and it is totally empty and was before I got involved. I'm not making excuses or saying that what I have done is ok but that's the reality. He feels very very trapped in his marriage and he loves his child very much.

I know I need to talk to someone and will try to pluck up the courage to do that soon.

Do you really think its a 'better' break up if he just has utter apathy towards his wife, and marraige, wearing her down to the point that she hates him for not giving a f**k about it? Or that she will be ok with you two moving in together so soon after he moves out? Or when she realises that you two have been carrying on behind her back all this time?

He is really, really stupid if he thinks that any way this marriage ends is a 'better' one. If she walks in this situation, its because his behaviour has left her no option - not because she necessarily wants to. She will hate him for not trying just as much as finding out he is a cheating scumbag. At least knowing he is a cheat helps her heal and know she is making the right choice to end it. I think it shows the measure of the man that he would rather be cruel to her long term making her be the one to break up the family, making it her fault it ended, rather than growing a pair and being honest to the woman he made his vows to and leaving in an adult and civil manner. It stinks of BS.

He is not prepared to rock the boat at home or be a decent man for your 'love' whatever excuse he gives. But then, neither are you. You dont fully trust that if you leave what you have for him, that he will do the same. Thats the real issue here. Waiting until the wife leaves is stalling, bringing the child into it is stalling.

I am a friend

And what are you going to do about the man who is trapped in your own empty marriage?

This level of selfshness ruins people for life you know...

Taltos

anon so sad wrote: »

I know the fact that he wants his wife to leave him sounds ridiculous. But I completely understand why he feels this. It is because of his child.

Great excuse to keep you hanging on and not putting pressure on his horrible wife....

anon so sad wrote: »

Neither of us want the child to get caught up in a mess like that.

Oh wake the F up - this child is ALREADY caught up in this mess. Well done OP.

anon so sad wrote: »

But I just love him and can't let him go.

And he is banking on that - guess we will see you back here in 20 yrs complaining that you wasted your life waiting for him all the while hating your hapless husband more and more for not seeing the truth...

anon so sad wrote: »

He has told me everything about their marriage and it is totally empty and was before I got involved.

Common in most cons - this was the hook - makes you feel terribly sorry for this poor guy - so trapped in a loveless marriage - unable to escape. How did he explain how his horrible wife got pregnant so?

anon so sad wrote: »

I'm not making excuses or saying that what I have done is ok but that's the reality.

Yes you ARE.

anon so sad wrote: »

He feels very very trapped in his marriage and he loves his child very much.

I am sure he does love his child. As to trapped - whatever you need to tell yourself to justify being the bit on the side.

OP - read back thru your posts - this is almost picture-perfect what all bits on the side think. Have you no self-respect? Do you care so little about your husband. Keep reassuring yourself that you think the same as the rest of us and we don't understand cause your situation is so different from all those nasty mistresses breaking up marriages. Well smell the coffee - there is nothing and I mean nothing different between you and those women you despised. It is clear you are not going to heed any advice given here - go talking to someone? What about talking to your husband and letting him have a chance to find genuine happiness. Poor sod.

LegacyUser

anon so sad wrote: »

Thanks just a name.


I know the fact that he wants his wife to leave him sounds ridiculous. But I completely understand why he feels this. It is because of his child. If he leaves her she would be very angry and would use their child to hurt him i.e. making it hard to see him etc. Neither of us want the child to get caught up in a mess like that. Because of his child I don't think he would ever leave her. So if she decides she is going nowhere there isn't much hope for me and that makes me pretty stupid to be waiting! But I just love him and can't let him go.

He has told me everything about their marriage and it is totally empty and was before I got involved. I'm not making excuses or saying that what I have done is ok but that's the reality. He feels very very trapped in his marriage and he loves his child very much.

I know I need to talk to someone and will try to pluck up the courage to do that soon.

Ok, OP, I'm glad we're closer to the root of the problem here.

But all this is a lot about HIS problems, with his wife, his kid... get it? HIS kid. His issue.

Let's focus on you. Your life is important. Right now, you could have YOUR kids with your current husband, or you could be out meeting the man you'll have kids with. Or maybe your lover is that man. My point is that things have to be 50-50 in a relationship. It seems like everything is weighted his end, with you worrying about his situation (unhappy marriage) that he got himself into. Forget all that. Your life matters as much as his wife's or his child's for that matter. So you need to look after you, and listening to a load of dithering and procrastination and 'ah but the poor baby...' is not looking after yourself.

Anyone with any sense will tell you that if the marriage is as bad as he makes it out to be then all concerned are better out of it. Expecting her to use the child against him - well that's conjecture isn't it? But if she is that kind of person then is he going to let that make him a slave to her?

I suspect that your lover either doesn't want to leave his wife (deep down), or is not yet ready. Its anybody's guess if when he'll be ready, but that's his situation to resolve. I'm not saying that he's not genuine but he's talking nonsense. He should be talking to a counsellor, alone, because right now, his thinking seems quite confused and immature.

So where does that leave you? I can only repeat advice given above. If you leave your husband, then you need to be firm with your lover. You need CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Get a pen and paper. Write down what you want from your life, this year, next year & in ten years.... don't settle for being his mistress. Just don't.

BTW, yes affairs can work out. In my circle there's quite a few people who've lost partners to new lovers and those new relationships have lasted. There's lots of old marrieds around who nicked their life partners off someone else, but they don't tend to talk about it for obvious reasons. So anything is possible, though it seems the successful outcomes are not the majority.

And as for this 'can't leave him' - pull yourself together girl! Nobody wants a wimp. Get out of your marriage, make your position clear with lover boy and start going out and getting the things you want for your life. If you hang on and make his life too comfortable then that's how it will be. Things will drag on, and if relationships don't move forward they fall flat - so all this 'I can't leave him' could actually end in him leaving you. Seriously, give him a good reason to leave her i.e. BY MAKING HIM MISS YOU. And if that's not enough then nothing ever will be.

You need to start talking straight. To your husband, to your lover and to yourself.

Trust me, I lost years in love triangle confusion, but actually, if everyone involved is given the facts and respects themselves, it's very simple.

LegacyUser

Hi op, my Fiance and I are an example of an affair that worked out, but we both did the leaving. We didn't wait on our other halves to do the dumping, this is the biggest issue I see in your case.

All of the usual points made by others are relevant, but perhaps I can mention a couple of different issues once you get past the 'what if he doesn't leave his wife, etc', the aftermath..

My partner and I are now together openly for three years and for us as a couple, it's been plain sailing but other people certainly haven't made it easy.

I am now convinced that the only way for a couple who started out as an affair to live truly happily is to start a fresh life in another country full of new people.

I feel we will never be taken seriously by family friends and neighbours, we will never be respected as an honest decent couple even though no one but us knows the truth of our previous relationships.

I've come out the worse, with all of the females in his circle of friends choosing to whisper and make nasty comments about me, Spread false rumours, men in general are less likely to judge. My partner and I both wronged our exes but for whatever reason women tend to place all the blame on the woman and overlook the man's wrongdoings.

This bitchiness has resulted in both of us spending very little time now with people we knew in the past. His family always view me with a hint of venom and regularly sympathize with his ex, my family care less and are more open and loving to us as a couple.

Co workers will judge you, often unfairly.

People you never thought would care will give you dirty looks on the street when you and your partner take a Sunday afternoon stroll.

For us, we've finally had enough and are currenly in the process of emigrating to start a new life in a place where no one conducts calulations when they hear you're celebrating an anniversary or make snide smirks when someone asks 'so where did you first meet?'.

Our affair could be seen as quite minor in the greater scale of things, neither of us have children and our affair was brief, we both quickly left our respective relationships.

It has directly affected my partner's job, he has been overlooked for promotions as his boss was less than impressed by his actions even though it was none of his business.

In Ireland, people will interfere and judge you on issues that are none of their business and people have long memories.

If he does make the effort to be with you be prepared to never be taken seriously by family, friends or people you thought you knew and trusted. Prepare to be bypassed when the invites get sent around for friends and co-workers weddings. Prepare to feel completely unwanted when in the hospital relative waiting room on his mother's deathbed.

It doesn't get magically easy overnight. In my opinion, things will never improve if you continue to live in the same place. My partner and I plan to marry this year (abroad, just us to avoid problems) and start a family soon. I won't bring children into the cold unloving environment we live in here, hence the emigrating. I would expect female members of his family (inlaws etc) to Make remarks to our children about where mammy and daddy met and generally make us feel uncomfortable.

Good luck but don't be naive!

LegacyUser

justanaame wrote: »

Ok, OP, I'm glad we're closer to the root of the problem here.

But all this is a lot about HIS problems, with his wife, his kid... get it? HIS kid. His issue.

Let's focus on you. Your life is important. Right now, you could have YOUR kids with your current husband, or you could be out meeting the man you'll have kids with. Or maybe your lover is that man. My point is that things have to be 50-50 in a relationship. It seems like everything is weighted his end, with you worrying about his situation (unhappy marriage) that he got himself into. Forget all that. Your life matters as much as his wife's or his child's for that matter. So you need to look after you, and listening to a load of dithering and procrastination and 'ah but the poor baby...' is not looking after yourself.

Anyone with any sense will tell you that if the marriage is as bad as he makes it out to be then all concerned are better out of it. Expecting her to use the child against him - well that's conjecture isn't it? But if she is that kind of person then is he going to let that make him a slave to her?

I suspect that your lover either doesn't want to leave his wife (deep down), or is not yet ready. Its anybody's guess if when he'll be ready, but that's his situation to resolve. I'm not saying that he's not genuine but he's talking nonsense. He should be talking to a counsellor, alone, because right now, his thinking seems quite confused and immature.

So where does that leave you? I can only repeat advice given above. If you leave your husband, then you need to be firm with your lover. You need CLEAR BOUNDARIES. Get a pen and paper. Write down what you want from your life, this year, next year & in ten years.... don't settle for being his mistress. Just don't.

BTW, yes affairs can work out. In my circle there's quite a few people who've lost partners to new lovers and those new relationships have lasted. There's lots of old marrieds around who nicked their life partners off someone else, but they don't tend to talk about it for obvious reasons. So anything is possible, though it seems the successful outcomes are not the majority.

And as for this 'can't leave him' - pull yourself together girl! Nobody wants a wimp. Get out of your marriage, make your position clear with lover boy and start going out and getting the things you want for your life. If you hang on and make his life too comfortable then that's how it will be. Things will drag on, and if relationships don't move forward they fall flat - so all this 'I can't leave him' could actually end in him leaving you. Seriously, give him a good reason to leave her i.e. BY MAKING HIM MISS YOU. And if that's not enough then nothing ever will be.

You need to start talking straight. To your husband, to your lover and to yourself.

Trust me, I lost years in love triangle confusion, but actually, if everyone involved is given the facts and respects themselves, it's very simple.

Thank you so much for your post. I really appreciate all your posts.You make a lot of sense. We are currently trying to work out what to do as the stress of it all is getting the better of us. We are talking about taking time apart to sort ourselves out. Although we did try this already and just couldn't do it as we missed eachother so much. He is definitely genuine, I know him inside out and he hates what the whole thing is doing to me. He is also finding it very hard. He can't leave his wife and the reason is that he doesn't want to be the one to walk out on their child. I know that no matter who leaves who the child will no longer live with his father but he doesn't want his child growing up thinking he walked out on the family. I really don't think that me cutting contact and letting him miss me will make any difference to this. He does really love me so it is not that I need to cut contact with him to make him see that. Although maybe you are right - I definitely need to do something. I know alot of people on here think I'm an idiot and I don't blame them but he is not conning me or anything like that. It's not like he's using me for sex as we rarely stay together and lately I have been very stressed over everything and taking it all out on him and he just takes it all and tries to help me out. I know it is him that won't leave his wife for us but I do understand why. It would be better for both of us in the future if she leaves him.

Thank you to the last poster - I am glad it's working out for you although sorry to hear you had to emigrate. That wouldn't be an option for me though. Were you both married when you had an affair?

I am a friend

YOu still are not talking about what YOU are doing to YOUR husband....

LegacyUser

anon so sad wrote: »

Thank you to the last poster - I am glad it's working out for you although sorry to hear you had to emigrate. That wouldn't be an option for me though. Were you both married when you had an affair?

Hi there, yes we were both married and in a very similar situation to you. We both married young to childhood sweethearts, outgrew our lovers. My relationship was very unhappy and had turned almost abusive before the affair began. I desperately wanted out but never had the courage to leave. His relationship was more complicated and very clearly over to him, though that was not so clear to his wife.

For us, the problems associated with mortgages and divorces all worked out quite straightforward, those parts just fall into place, they're not worth stressing about.

But the other factors I mentioned, human factors, I assumed would die down after a few months but are still ongoing issues.

If you are planning on someday living with this man in the same area you currently live in, surrounded by the same people you both now know, be prepared for the backlash. Be prepared to be painted as a homewrecker and husband-stealer and father-stealer and other unfair titles.

Sure, you're doing wrong by having an affair, but the guilt of that will put you through enough hell that you will have paid your penance, trust me. It's the years of dirty looks after that may have you questioning if it was all worth it.

For me, I know it was. I am with the love of my life and we will be happy together forever. I don't need female friends or relations or neighbours to make me complete. If he was the only person in the world ever to speak to me again, I would be perfectly happy and not feel as though I was missing out as what we have is extremely strong and deep.

But for someone who values other's opinions highly, the aftermath of an affair could be devastating.

After a while it begins to just get a bit old, when you're always being viewed as a bad person even years after your ex-husband has forgotten the bad deeds! But with a very strong relationship and a dedicated loving partner, you will get through all of that too.

LegacyUser

Thanks been there8. Do you mind me asking - you say his wife did not realise their relationship was over (this is similar in my case, well she realises I think but doesn't seem to care in a way). What happened when he said he was leaving her? Did it come as a total shock to her? Did it not drag on, with her wanting to work on the marriage etc? Was she very bitter about it? Did she know that you had an affair with him?
Thanks