How to get in touch again?

LegacyUser

I dont have an account here actually I dont have home internet! so I am going to have to be an unregistered for this. I dont know if this is exactly the right forum because its not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship issue but an issue with the relationship with an old friend.

I dont know really where to start so I guess the chances are this could be a pretty long post. Something was said to me recently that made me feel pretty bad and I havent been able to shake it since and I dont know what to do or think so I thought I could come on here and ask for advice.

It all comes from me thinking of getting back in touch with a friend that I havent spoken to in a while but the other day someone said to me "why would he want anything to do with you again" when I mentioned it. Now they didn't mean it in a bad way but this has caused me to feel bad and uncertain lately. I guess I should give some background.


About 8 years ago I developed a serious gambling problem that caused me to run up a lot of debts. I was in my mid 20s then and I didnt have a great deal of responsibility so the burden of the debt fell on me mostly. My family suffered with my behaviour too and it caused me to break up with my GF at the time who I know I hurt.I cleaned myself up and went to GA and managed to get another well paid job to start repaying what I owed. I cut all contacts with the friends I had at the time. Some because they were a bad influence on me and some because I couldnt face them. I just wanted a clean slate to start with so thats the way I went

Anyway this was going fine and I got my life back on track and kept up the GA meetings. I joined a sports club and this is where I met the friend in question I was talking about getting in contact with again.

We became good friends over time and had the same interests and outlook etc... I told him about my gambling problem after a while and he just said fair play for sorting yourself out and never passed any judgement or anything like that or questioned my motives the odd time Id ask him for a lend of a few quid for a couple of days and over 4 or 5 years we became very good friends.

We were both getting on well in the club and were involved with the running of the place and all was going grand. I met a girl I fell for and we started going out and everything was rosey. Then at the start of 2009 I was told I was being made redundant but I thought it was okay because I was going to get paid off and I'd get another job no problem.

Then my problems started as I fell off the wagon with the gambling and started at it again. Sometimes Id win and sometimes Id lose but I had the redundancy money to fall back on. However as it always happens over time I started to lose money hand over fist and become really stuck for it. This is where the friend comes in. We had been talking about going away to see a sporting event and I told him Id sort it out if he gave me the money because Id be able to get tickets and a hotel and all that sorted for us. In the end he gave me nearly €1000 for the trip but I knew it wasnt going to happen because I needed the money for gambling. He also lent me some other money to fix my car too. Then on top of that I stole money from the club we were both involved with and I got him implicated in having it taken because no one thought it would be me.

Of course in the end I got caught out but the head lad at the club said he would give me a chance to pay the money back and he would keep it on the quiet until I did so. I said I needed sometime to sort myself out and he head lad said fine. I used this chance to disappear and cut off all contact with the friends I had and people I knew who might find out about this and I never paid back any of the money.

Now things have moved along and I am back on my feet in a job and have moved in with my girlfriend and we have just had our first child recently. It had been in my mind to get back in contact with my friend because I know he lives near me but Im not sure where. You see at the time I took the money he was about to buy a place which is part of the same overall estate I live in now. I know he lives around here somewhere but dont know exactly where. I didnt really know how to go about contacting him and I didnt know how to do it because I just never answered his texts or calls after I was caught gambling and taking money. To make it worse it turns out that when him, and another couple of people at the club I took the money from, found out they tried for ages to get in contact with me to offer their support and stick by me but I was in the process of disappearing off the radar so I never took any calls or texts from them.

Anyway back to the first point I made. I was thinking seriously about trying to contact my friend again with the new year coming round and all but it came up in a conversation and I got the "sure why would he want anything to do with you again" remark and it made me feel very down. I guess Im just asking how would I go about contacting this person again. It's been 18 months since all of this happend and Ive had no contact with him. What would be the best way to get in touch with him again is what I want to know I guess.

I'm not here for a lecture on gambling eitehr I know all about that at this stage. I just want to know what the best way to go about getting back in touch with him is. I dont want to feel this bad and like he wouldnt want to know me anymore. The comment made to me wasnt malicious but I guess its hurt me a lot.

Cheap Thrills!

I'm not really sure OP why you are 'hurt' -I mean put yourself in his shoes. You borrowed money from him, allowed him to be implicated in thieving from a club you are both members of and then blanked him never paying the money back.

Surely you can see you've burned your bridges here?

I'm not trying to lecture you or make you feel worse but just explain reality really.

dub_3

I don't think that you should contact him, unless you have both the money you owe him and the club.

If he's still involved with the club they will have his contact details.

Giblet

Simple. Give him back his money, then say sorry and you would like to talk. Most importantly give him his money back.

LegacyUser

I can't afford to give him back the money with the new baby so thats out of the question.

I guess it never dawned on me that this wasnt something I could fix. I havent ever attempted to make contact with anyone after cutting contact before. It seems the consensus is that he probably wont speak to me then

dub_3

Without the money I don't see how you could even begin to fix things.

Work out a plan to save the money.
You say you have a job so it shouldn't be impossible.

merlie

He was your friend and you used him to get money for your gambling habit. You also stole from the club and got him blamed for it. He was being a friend to you and you pay him back by getting him blamed!!!

I am sorry that you have this gambling addiction, but doing this to someone who trusted you and not re paying or even making an attempt to repay him the money is really bad.

To sort this out, you need a good reason to contact him, and that would be to sort out re paying the money back to him. Your friendship with him will not be the same, lets face it, he must know what you did and what you did it for.

I would try and get some help with regards saving a bit, perhaps putting a couple of euros in the credit union per week, and start by making some effort to re pay this man and start to get your life back on track.

I wish you all the best

Stu

Your feeling hurt by your friends comment, OH Poor You OP. You are a Parasite and a pure Scumbag for doing what you did but now you want to contact the guy you ripped off to the Tune of over €1000 even though you still haven't got the money to pay him back.

Get a €1000 loan from the bank and only then should you contact your "good Friend" and hand over the money with a grovelling apology. But something tells me you won't do this. You want to contact him to see if hes willing to let the money go and forgive you and become friends with you again. You'll trot out the excuse that you weren't in control of your actions at the time and are a recovering gambling addict who is now on the straight and narrow but can't afford to pay him back. What utter Bull****.

Take your self pitying bull**** somewhere else. You are a conniving lowlife who doesn't deserve friends. Actually do contact him and tell him you don't have his money and with a bit of luck he'll put your head through the wall.

IT'S STILL ALL ABOUT YOU OP !!!

Darlughda

God, if this was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation where one or the other had cheate, d and 5 or however many years later, then felt bad and wanted to get in touch, everybody would be saying leave well alone-you had your chance, you are only thinking about yourself, tough-you lost that person in your life for good.

I cannot believe how sympathetic people are being with you.

Tough, if you were/are feeling bad.
What you did was just awful. Betrayal and quite possibly, criminal.
People giving you the benefit of the doubt, and you betray them like that and then act as if your gambling addiction is something you are not responsible for?

Sickening. So, things are rosy again for you now. What's to say you won't act in exactly the same way again?
You were so lucky to have friendships and be priveleged with trust and you blew it big time, fully aware of what you were doing. You feel bad? Well, diddums. Do this guy a favour, and stay well out of his life. Do not contact him!

Sickening for you to say you can't afford to pay him back because of your baby. Your first priority should have been to repay every cent you stole, cheated and embezzled, before embarking on any kind of bringing children into the world.

You sound utterly self absorbed yet, somehow convinced that your gambling problem is some kind of terrible affliction that overcomes poor helpless you at the worst of times.

You should make it a priority to repay all this money, and keep well away of assuming you could ever attempt at resuming friendships, or even make things better with these people.

Monkey Allen

Why tell us the story if you just want advice on how to find someone? We could have said try facebook, the club, phone directory etc.

I'm guessing you want to get this off your chest. Well you'll only feel better about this when you've paid this money back. Sounds to me like you expect to be kept by people and you deserve sympathy.

Did you have a good Christmas?

Cheap Thrills!

ODND wrote: »

I can't afford to give him back the money with the new baby so thats out of the question.

I guess it never dawned on me that this wasnt something I could fix. I havent ever attempted to make contact with anyone after cutting contact before. It seems the consensus is that he probably wont speak to me then

OP, there is something very strange about that statement. It would probably do you good to think about it a bit. Ask yourself, what did you think would happen to the people you cut off?

You said the first time you went to GA;

I cleaned myself up and went to GA and managed to get another well paid job to start repaying what I owed. I cut all contacts with the friends I had at the time. Some because they were a bad influence on me and some because I couldnt face them. I just wanted a clean slate to start with so thats the way I went

But that's not really following the programme is it? You can't make up your own programme.

You were supposed to:

1. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
2. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

You can't just cherry pick the parts of recovery that suit you. It's all very well that you feel better and have a new life going on BUT unless you learn to FIRSTLY admit to yourself and then to others the harm you've caused then you will keep backsliding.

The fact that it never occurred to you the harm you'd caused and thought you could contact the man again hoping for forgiveness but with no notion of paying him back is childish.

It's a childish thought. Why would you want to wear his goodwill out any more? Is it that you are lonely and miss him, he was a good friend. Now you have a new baby you want to share your joy and you look around and your good friend is gone because of what you did?

You have to grow up, accept when you do things wrong. Not minimise and deny and justify your actions. You need to learn real empathy. It's uncomfortable and shameful and embarassing but unless you do that you will be churning friends for the rest of your life.

Wagon

An old mate got in touch with me after disappearing from the radar for a few years. Welcomed back with open arms and we took off pretty much where we left off. Mates do that.

Mates don't implicate their best friend in a theft, cut them out of their lives and then refuse to pay back the money they stole. If you get in contact, one of two things will happen.

1. Your old mate will ask you for the cash you stole and cash he loaned you. You can pay it back and he will trust you again.

2. He'll punch the face off you, then ask for the money you stole and the money you owe him.

However, seeing as how you don't want to pay the cash back at all, i would't recommend getting in touch. Leave him be, he will more than likely kick the shít out of you if you try and make contact. And sorry about this, but I can't blame him.