Advice Needed

LegacyUser

Hi.
I don't normally post here, so please go easy on me, as I could use some advice.

Firstly, I'm a girl in a long term relationship, thinking about marriage and kids and all that stuff. I love my OH very dearly and I know he loves me just as much.

I don't want to go into details, but something happened recently that shook my trust in my OH a bit. He didn't cheat or anything - but I found something out that really cut me fairly deep and hurt me. I had it out with him, he apologised and promised faithfully it would never,ever happen again.

We have been talking a lot, and working on it.I want to work on this, I don't want anybody else. I thought I had got over it a bit, and was feeling better about myself and us. Things were going well. Then a couple of days ago, I started getting these obsessive worrying thoughts about our future, and wondering will everything be ok, and will my life be "perfect".

Obviously these are things that I cannot get answers to. But they are circling around and around and around in my head.

I just want to know can anyone give me advice on how to get your relationship past a hard patch. Because that's what it is. I know people will want the details of what happened, and think I should break up if everything's not "perfect". That's not what I'm looking for.I'm looking for advice on how to work on a relationship, how to get past this irrational feeling I have that the only way for me to feel "safe" is for neither of us to ever meet other people again, or not to leave the house every day!!! I know this is a completely irrational thing, and impossible. I just feel like my heart has been hurt, and I'm struggling a bit to get over it.

I'm going to finish by saying I love this man so much and he feels the same way. That he has never ever ever given me reason not to trust him, or to doubt how he feels about me.He's reliable, loves me, looks after me, and puts me first all the time. I'll also add that I am unemployed and so have the entire day to sit at home worrying about how I feel, and how we're doing.It's ridiculous, because when he comes home from work, I'm absolutely fine.But when I'm on my own my insecurities and worries just completely get the better of me.

Can someone please give me some advice before I ruin something that is fairly perfect, due to my own obsessive thinking???

AJG

First of all I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you but your life with this person will never be 'perfect'. All relationships take work and over the long term if you can keep it 'pretty good' to 'really good' you'll be doing well.

I think your right in saying that you have too much time on your hands to conjure up various scenarios and obsess over what ever the incident was that led to your doubts. The past is the past and what's done is done.

So my advice would be to draw a line in the sand under whatever it was that happened. Take him at his word that it won't happen again. Finally, consider yourself lucky that you've found someone you love, that the feeling is mutual and he treats you well.

LegacyUser

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and your replies are exactly what I needed to hear.
I know this in my head, but as you say, I've got a lot of time on my hands and I think I'm currently proving the statement "the devil makes work for idle hands", in a weird sort of way.

I'll take your advice and work on trying to leave my fears where they are and allow myself to get on with enjoying my life again.

Thanks again.

Cheap Thrills!

Yes, got to agree; life will never be perfect.

You have a certain amount of anxiety now after the incident that shocked you. And anxiety is often not rational. But that doesn't make it any easier to manage!

Maybe the best thing is to go for a bit of couples counselling. A counsellor can give you some techniques for coping with the anxiety.

LegacyUser

OP, I honestly could have written your post. In fact, I'm kinda hoping my OH doesn't read it and think it's me!

Like you, I found out something that hurt me and made me question a lot of things including our future together. I'm not sure if I'm completely past it yet but I'm working on it and will get there eventually.

I'm very familiar with the obsessive thinking about different scenarios and wondering if everything is ok and the only thing that works for me is keeping busy. If I find myself obsessing about our relationship I will make myself do something that will take my mind off it even for half an hour- phone/meet up with a friend, go to gym, read, watch tv, even cleaning the house, anything that will just change the focus of your attention for a little while. And you can't force yourself to feel everything is ok again, you will in your own time. If it really gets too much for you, maybe have a conversation with your OH to reassure yourself?

And like everyone has already mentioned no relationship is perfect because people aren't perfect.

Anyway hope this helps a little, and that everything works out for you!

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone, I'm a lot better today. Had a huge speed wobble with the whole thing over the weekend though!!!

Thanks for all your advice, and sameas, I hope everything works out for you too.

LegacyUser

This posting is not as harsh as the title sounds.

Both of you are human, and are prone to mistakes,
You cannot guarantee he will not cheat, if you guard
too closely you will end up crushing the relationship.

You have more control over yourself than you do him.

If you operate within your area of influence you will be more effective.
What I mean is, that if you get some sort of job, charity work, hobby
you can focus on and develop your sense of strength and resilience,
you will feel a lot better and wont be anticipating his cheating....because...
in the event (unlikely) he does cheat....it will not completely devastate you.
And hey, maybe you might cheat someday...think about it. (actually don't).

So....get a job....and by the way....I don't have a lot of experience in
longterm relationships or even longterm jobs!!!....so, these are just ideas Im throwing out....but it is what I would go about doing if I was in your situation.
It comes down to a sense of control...I think.

Good luck