dying sex life

LegacyUser

We always had different types of sex drive. Me pretty high her not so but she did try and accomodate me and my urges.
We got married after only a year dating but I noticed that she was beinging to show a lack of interest in sex leading up to the wedding. We have talked on numerous occasions about putting in the effort but that is all that happens, we talk.
Ok so we are both in our mid to late 30s I work evenings and her days plus most weekends, so it wasnt exactly matching cause she would be in bed asleep when I would come home so nothing would happen.
In the 3 years together I think she instigated sex once. Its been 4 months since we got married and that was probably the best time sexually since we did it quiet a lot on honeymoon ie once every second day.
But since we came home from the honeymoon we have done it 4 times.
I have asked her whats the problem but all she keeps saying is that she is either to tired or its her time of the month which I can understand.
She is onto me about starting a family but to be honest unless an arc angel comes to visit that is highly unlikely.
I am not looking for to have sex everyday but all she wants is to cuddle and sleep.
I always had a healthy interest in porn but now its starting to overcome me as I tend to spend a couple of hours a week watching it to keep me feeling like a "man".
I do love my wife very very much but I dont honestly know how much longer I can take this.
Its not like I am a bad husband either as I do a lot for her ie shopping,cleaning,cooking etc. because I am off work during the day. And I treat her to dinner out and cinema or other things.
Its like since we got married a light has gone out in her and I cant seem to switch it back on.
The sex we had/have isnt the same as before either. I understand that in the beginning its all "cant keep your hands off eachother" sex and as time goes on that can go away. But the only place we ever have it is in the bedroom and in the missionary position me on top. If I try and suggest something different I get a look of distain from her as if I was a perv.
Oral for me is out as she hates giving head but loves receiving it, something that I love doing but would occasionally like to receive. Anal is not something that interests me but its got to the stage I cant even get a hand job of her.
I just dont know what to do. There isnt another person I want to be with but this is driving me around the bend. When we talk about it she says we should go away for a weekend to a fancy place and enjoy ourselves but thats all forgotten about an hour later and it just sits there festering away until it causes us to argue about something.
Is there any advice out there that can help us? How much is normal for newlyweds?
I am at the end of my rope, if this continues I cant see us lasting the year.
Thanks

LegacyUser

You need to take control of your relationship, She seems to be the one in control. You need to be frank and explain how you feel to her. you seem like a decent fella, most other men would just have an affair. Some women would then tend to blame the man for having the affair even though he was pushed into it.

Talk to her and mention going to see a relationship/sex therapist. i'm married 8 years, we ran into similar problems about 3 years ago. we went to counselling and it worked and we got our spark back. I had let her walk all over me and she only started responding sexually when I regained some of my confidence and a little more of a say in our lives. Try it, and keep the head up!!

IrishEyes19

Id actually show her this post, OP, not obviously the post as it is now, but re-write it in your own words on paper as if you were writing it to her. Its very balanced in my opinion and it might just make it easier for you to talk to her about it. All the best!!

Sleepy

Whatever you do, don't give into the demands to start a family, ye're relationship is clearly in no fit state to be bringing children into it and if she thinks she's too tired for kids now, what'll it be like with a baby keeping ye up half the night and the high probability of her having issues with her post-baby birth body?

ElleEm

I second the recommendation to see a sex therapist.
Why not take the initiative and book a nice weekend away?!
You sound like you really love her, but women often need attention and to be SHOWN how you feel.
Be romantic, pamper her, run her a bubble bath, give her a massage, maybe introduce sex toys (female friendly ones to start, not really scary lookin ones!), cook a candlelit dinner etc. I notice that the mood in my bedroom changes if I have scented candles lit, soft music on etc. Mix it up a bit.
Women rarely enjoy sex if they have other things on their mind so if you help her de- stress, she may be more open to it.
And sex is like a magic potion- the more you have, the more you want!

Good luck!

Neyite

If she wants to start a family, then as you say, some divine intervention will be required. Trying to concieve is incredibly stressful for a couple anyway, even the couples with a really good sex life can find all the trying to be draining and mechanical. Then that adds to the stress of it all, which does a couple no favours in the baby making dept. and if you already find it mechanical starting off it could be a nightmare.

If she agrees to counselling, dont just talk about it, book someone and start attending. Its a problem in your marriage, which needs to be addressed.

Best of luck.

Emme

OP, if you love your wife and are willing to put the effort into improving things a relationship counsellor might help. You can't go on the way you're going. What worries me is that she is so keen to start a family but isn't willing to do what's necessary - sleep with you more often! Once a month is a bit infrequent for newlyweds but your working hours might not be conducive to romance. Once every 2nd day on a honeymoon is skimpy as well - I remember going on holidays with an ex and we were at it at least 3 times a day, morning, noon, night and mid-afternoon if the mood took him! But it's different strokes for different folks. Maybe you both need to compromise and adjust your working hours a bit to work on your relationship.

Despite your ages , I wouldn't start a family until other issues have been sorted out. As another poster said, if you're not having a good physical relationship now, what will it be like with the distraction of newborn, childcare and other surrounding issues? If you're not happy now how will you feel if a baby comes along? Does your wife feel unhappy as well and thinks that starting a family might solve your problems?

What I'm really saying is that you married after only a year of dating, you need to figure out how compatible you really are before you think of starting a family. Is your wife more into the idea of marriage and kids than the practicalities of it?