addict girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,
After getting some great advice here a few years ago on my cheating girlfriend Im back.

Im seeing a girl now for 5 months Ive really fallen for her but she is addicted to Zimmovane codeine and alcohol. Im really at my wits end with her turning into a monster and us having a fight.
She says after a bad fight that she wants to quit but then like any addict its always with another excuse she was prescribed them by a doctor some years ago and has gone down from a crazy amount to maybe one or two zimmovane and around 8 - 12 nurofen plus per day but she says she is ok with them, then she would have a bottle of wine or maybe two and after about 3 hours she turns into a different person she just wants a fight

This doesnt happen every night (the fight that is ) but the drinking and pill taking does.
Now Ill admit Im no angel here either I drink a lot too we would have the wine together and days shes not around I would go to the pub.
I see her when she changes and even on the phone you can tell when shes taken one as it usually takes 20 mins for the "change" to happen.

Im really at the end here with all the fights theres other pressures on us too but hopefully that will be sorted in a few weeks. Ive suggested we both go to addiction counselling together and at the start it was fine we agreed but the second time I brought it up the focus was put on me and my problems. Now while I admited hands down that I do go very heavy on booze it turned into her screaming at me she wouldnt believe I hadnt had a drink tonight.

ok I know that a lot of that is my fault as I have let our routine become come down to mine and we will have a glass or two ( which always ends up being 2 bottles minimum )
but even if I didnt suggest it she would have one in the car and we would end up getting more.

I really need someones help on how to take the next steps delicatly so not to start a fight and get us the help we need I feel she is running from it when shes on her buzz but when shes sober she is the most amazing girl so bueatyful and funny I dont want to lose her.

Her family dont know the full extent and to be honost I cant tell them as that would drive her away from me.

Thanks for reading Boardsies.

Carpe_Diem

I know this hard and I know it sound cold, but you've got to stop trying to manage her and your relationship and take care of yourself. You can't *make* her get treatment, and as you've noted, while she's agreeable when it's abstract, when it gets closer, she turns the focus on you to avoid dealing with it herself.

So what do you do? You say, "Look babe, I'm going to get treatment. You do it as well or you can stay where you are, but I'm getting help for myself." Then do it. If she's ready she'll follow you, but it's likely she won't. However, the fact that she'll be on her own full in the knowledge that her boyfriend got help for himself will cut out some of the denial she's been allowed to live in and will force her to see more reality than she has to face right now. If her family's not fully aware, they'll soon be more aware as she'll have a harder time hiding it with you not being there to help her.

Remember that addicts are in denial and "helping" means helping them deny it's a big problem. When the "help" goes away, the issues that are taken care of and hidden by the "helper" are right there and have to be faced. When the "helper" leaves it's actually the first step in making the addict truly face their addiction and truly see how much it is affecting their life.

Go get help for yourself. Take care of you, set an example and let her deal with her own life and the consequences of her actions.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice Carpe.
We had a good long talk about it tonight while both sober and her low on pills were both being totally honost as we both want children together and know we cant while in this situation.
I didnt want to push her to say that her problems are slightly more than mine but she said that anyway.
I really think we have a great chance here as long as we follow through with finding our own demons and putting them to bed.
Then we can work on being the happy couple we are from when we wake up till the booze really hits home and knocks things sideways.
Ive told her my fears for the future and she told me hers and togehter on paper the seem small while we both know its a long hard road ahead, Ive been googling addiction counsellors and we plan on seeing one next week.

Now thats where one of my concerns are Ive been to a couples counceller before and all that happened was I talked they listened would going to a psyciatrist (sp) be more of a help as they would be able to give me answers and feedback?

LegacyUser

I think a good GP would be a good first port of call, tell him the story and he can give you a physical check up first for some things that might help recover (eg, you might be malnourished, e.g low on thiamin) then he might refer you to a psychiatrist, then you will probably be assessed and then have the option of medication to help you through withdrawl etc.

A tip....before you go to the doc or psy, write down on paper what you want ot get out of the meeting and any questions you may have for them (e.g what can I expect from medication, how will I know it is working , what do I do if it doesnt work etc), and the more honest you can
be the better....and try and find out a bit about family medical history before you go, so you can help them piece together an appropriate plan.

Well done for making this a priority. Fair dues.

LegacyUser

Carpe_Diem wrote: »

I know this hard and I know it sound cold, but you've got to stop trying to manage her and your relationship and take care of yourself. You can't *make* her get treatment, and as you've noted, while she's agreeable when it's abstract, when it gets closer, she turns the focus on you to avoid dealing with it herself.

Go get help for yourself. Take care of you, set an example and let her deal with her own life and the consequences of her actions.

You can't stop her if she is an addict. She has to stop herself.

Get yourself to an Al-anon meeting. Just go and listen to how it affects peoples lives and how they cope and survive an addicts behaviour.

Addicts are devious and manipulative. They will drag you down if they can.

You are in a co-dependant relationship. You will drink with her for a lot of reasons perhaps but in the end it facilitates her drinking.

Break the cycle. I have been there and was driven mad for years (decades if the truth be told) where the kids were used as a weapon against me if I tried to stop the drinking.

My own marraige teeters on the brink... this is after a 30 year association with this woman. I was never a saint but could stop (or should have stopped) when I wanted. Gradually an addictive lifestyle becomes the norm and you can find yourself bereft of friends, family and hope.

Look out for yourself. Get yourself well. Support her if you want to in her recovery... be warned it can be a long road. My own 7 month separation tears at me and the longing for her is sometimes overwhelming but I know it is for the best and that there are issues which need resolving that go deeper than the drinking alone.

LegacyUser

Well here was to our first night together not drinking
she still had a few pills in her but at least there was no alcoho; I cant wait to enjoy the morning now!!
Thanks for the advice so far Im going to the doctor on wed to have a chat ith him.
Also I went to an al anon meeting before it wasnt really for me so Ill try one of the other groups out there.
Thanks again

Carpe_Diem

A couples councellor won't be helpful and isn't what you need, going this alone isn't going to be successful either. You need support and real help -- a treatment centre, AA or both. Trying to do it alone or "with just a few pills left" isn't going to be successful. Why are you guys afraid of getting the kind of help you really need?

LegacyUser

I think ou read that wrong Carpe I was at a couples councellor years ago with an ex.
Thats why I dont think it would be right. were going to an addiction councellor but Id like to go to a psyciatrist.

iguana

Carpe_Diem wrote: »

A couples councellor won't be helpful and isn't what you need, going this alone isn't going to be successful either. You need support and real help -- a treatment centre, AA or both. Trying to do it alone or "with just a few pills left" isn't going to be successful. Why are you guys afraid of getting the kind of help you really need?

Actually some studies show that relationship counselling is one of the more effective treatments when it comes to addiction. http://www.behaviortherapy.com/whatworks.htm It's just very important to make sure the relationship counsellor is actually good and properly trained, as there are a huge amount of deeply unqualified people who work as counsellors. And little is more harmful than a bad counsellor.

On the whole the most successful type of of treatment for addiction is "whatever works for that person, personally." There are a range of reasons for substance abuse and a range of problems that arise due to that abuse, so there is no; one size fits all treatment. Luckily there are also a range of treatments. http://www.mywayout.org/community/ is a good place to start. It's a web forum where people talk about the different ways they have found to get through their addictions and put together their own programme.

Fittle

O lord OP. 5 months, and you are already having these issues

Why oh why oh why, would you have let yourself get into this relationship?

I'm not saying that your other half doesn't deserve love and support - but ask yourself, what it is you actually love about her? From your post, all I can see is that you are supporting her through her addiction, you are facilitating her.

You don't have to do that OP.

You deserve to be loved, and to love, in return. We all do.

You are not her carer. You are a person in your own right, who deserves love and respect from another person. You do not have to live your life supporting her through her addiction. What about YOU??

littlefriend

Where does she get the tablets from? Does she have a regular doctor or does she buy them from someone (ie not the chemist)..I guess though that she could have a few different doctors she goes to...

Taking sleeping tablets while drinking is very dangerous. When you are fighting she will have no idea what is going on. As with any addict she must have serious issues which she is masking by getting so wasted all of the time so she definitely needs help.

Whatever about the nurofen - I doubt they are really doing anything to her but the sleeping tablets before drinking is extremely worrying.

After just 5 months are you sure you want to take this on?

Corkgirl210

There is codeine anon in dublin 2 as well as AA meetings in most areas & addiction counsellors.. but she has to want to give up.. wish you both the best and lets hope that she comes out of denial.. you can only support her - she has to make the decision to get help herself... ill say a prayer for her..

LegacyUser

Thanks Rayanne
we had a booze free weekend and things are going great. shes only taking a third of wwhat she would normally, I know thats not the end Im not naieve but it is a positive start.
I have to say with the sleeping pills she would take maybe 3 a day broken in half and used to take over twelve codene.
There was something in her past as well as a medica misdiagnosis thats why she was prescribed the sleepers. that went on for about a year with a high dosage.
Im going to find that codeine anon cheers for that never knew about them.