Cold people

LegacyUser

History: longterm relationship, got engaged, engagement broken off by ex due to cold feet/commitment issues/him not seeing marriage in his "5year plan" until mid 30's. Workaholic. No third party involvement either side.
Friends have asked, have you had any word from his parents/siblings since? And I haven't. Not a whisper. They're not especially open as a family, but one sibling in particular I always had great banter with when we met, and now- nothing. Would a once-off text to say "Sorry how things ended up, hope you're doing ok" really be out of order? It feels like I've wasted years of my life on not only a phantom relationship with my ex, but also one with his family....do they even give a damn?

OS119

rivercrytears wrote: »

....do they even give a damn?

probably, yes. however they almost certainly think that however 'about you' any communication starts, it will soon involve some kind of 'rights and wrongs' of the break-up - and thats just not territory they want to go near.

they may also think that whats best for you is a clean break - and you aren't going to acheive that by having any contact with them.

been there, done it - it didn't work, it was probably counter-productive and it put me/my family in an uncomfortable position with regards to someone who, with the best will in the world, we were never going to see again.

it feels harsh and cold, but its probably the least worst option for all concerned - and as you've probably noticed since the break-up, least worst is about as good as it gets....

LegacyUser

When you break up with a long term boyfriend/girlfriend, you break up with their family too. It doesn't matter how close you were with them, it's just a sad fact of life. Sometimes people manage to stay in contact. But generally most don't. His/her family are trying to do the right thing by them, by avoiding you. I wouldn't take it personally.
But I think that's why long term breakups are so painful - you break up with a boyfriend who's also your best friend and break up with his family who may have become as close as your own.

MissOphelia

This is horrible for you especially after such a long relationship. Maybe your ex asked them not to contact you? But you're right of course, a simple message wishing you well would be the least you should get

Distorted

I agree that it would have been good manners to send a card with a brief message in it perhaps reflecting that they knew the relationship was over but still wishing the OP a happy Christmas and New Year. I do think it is cold and quite rude to completely ignore the OP if she spent a lot of time with them previously, but that is probably why they have a committment phobic son who compartmentalises his life in this way.

Miss Fluff

I can understand how it may be hurtful for you but from their prespective they probably feel you just want to move on from it all and are giving you the space to do so. They are also probably loyal to their son/brother so he may have expressed a wish that contact is severed. I think that's fair enough tbh.

Judes

I went through similar as you with my ex recently - 6 year relationship - but he was 45 and although we were never engaged, I got as far as booking the wedding venue for just the 2 of us to go off privately - cold feet? 7 months later, I never got a proper explanation - neither of us in another relationship - (mind you at 45 he is still living at home with his mother). But his family - were vile towards me and totally unsupportive - I was always viewed as a threat to their secure life - so I'm so pleased I never ever have to see any of them ever again. You will get through this pain- better to get on with your life now.

Re. the ex's family - I would not make contact - you did nothing wrong - you owe no explanation nor apologies - it is they who should make contact with you. I lived with an ex in the UK years ago, went across with him - me a new life but him returning home. I got on great with his family, infact lived with them the first few months we went to the UK. Then when we split up, considering I was in a diff country and away from my family - I never heard from his parents again. Again, I had done nothing wrong - the ex did the dirty on me - BUT - I was very close to his sister Sue - and she made contact with me, as she was concerned about me - and 20 years later, Sue and I are still close friends. We rarely if ever discuss the ex we have much more fun/interesting stuff to talk about.

So if they really care about you - knowing the background that their brother was the one to cause you pain and let you down - it is up to them to see how you are - not you to contact them. But that's just my views. Sometimes at 46 I really do feel like the "elder lemon".

confused21

OP something similar happend with my brother and his girlfriend. She was my best friend. But their relationship failed as my brother is an alcoholic. I was there for her and gave her all the support I could and insisted on several occassions she left my brother as he was treating her so badly. Yes I know it was terrible to turn against my brother but he caused me and my family years of hurt that you just grow immune to them.
Anyway they broke up for good, she was getting really strong and I was encouraging her. My brother didn't like the fact we were friends. My family loved her but as time went on they started to believe the lies he told them about her. It got to the stage that I was defending her, then my family turned on me. It's a vicious circle.
Then last June the worst thing happened she started getting really angry, said that her friends etc said to be careful of me that blood is thicker than water. But she knew how I felt about my brother. I said I will not let it ruin our friendship. One day she snapped and said that my family don't care about her that they never contact her (remember they were broken up) but they did, my dad rang her on several occasions, one time coz we were worried about her safety. She ended up getting nasty and that ended our friendship.
My advice, it's horrible what happened to you, I feel terrible for you but your best bet is to try get over what happened. It's going to take time. Don't bother staying in contact with the family. Yes you are going to miss what they are doing with their lives, but if you do you will always know what your ex is doing whether you like it or not. This will also make the moving on process harder for you.
Chin up girl! And the best of luck in the future. You deserve better;)

Katgurl

Hi op I've gone through a similar experience when I broke up with my ex a few years ago. It wasn't just his immediate family (including his mother who had frequently told me she loved me) it was also his sister-in-law who had asked me to be her bridesmaid overseas prior to the split. I had bought the tickets etc. I didn't expect obviously to still be bridesmaid but I wasn't prepared for the very cold email informing me that she would now only be having two bridesmaids. What hurt further was that this girl had run to me with every single problem throughout her relationship and burdened me with every thing that entered her head. It was a harsh lesson to learn that I was no longer of any use to her. As well as her was the wife of a couple we had been friends with, we'd been out various nights without the boys and had all holidayed together.

Like you no third parties and while I didn't expect things stay the same I did expect a text email or phonecall saying sorry things ended and hope you're doing ok.

It made things very clear however that I was only of interest while it was convenient and not as an individual. It's been fortunate though as I have zero interest in any contact with my ex I can guiltfree ignore any relatives of his when I see them in the supermarket.

undertheboardwalks

undertheboardwalks wrote: »

When you break up with a long term boyfriend/girlfriend, you break up with their family too. It doesn't matter how close you were with them, it's just a sad fact of life. Sometimes people manage to stay in contact. But generally most don't. His/her family are trying to do the right thing by them, by avoiding you. I wouldn't take it personally.
But I think that's why long term breakups are so painful - you break up with a boyfriend who's also your best friend and break up with his family who may have become as close as your own.

Totally agree with this. It would actually be quite weird to stay in contact with the family, unless you particularly good friends with his siblings or something like that. The family are in quite an awkward position. They might have liked the ex-girlfriend, but ultimately they're loyal to their son. As they should be. I was in the same position - went to the family house every week for dinner, sometimes called over 2 or 3 times a week, got Christmas presents from them, the works. But I knew I couldn't expect to ever see them again once it was over with the ex. It was quite awful and I did really miss them, but there was no choice really. I do have his sister on Facebook, as we were quite close (I tutored her for college and often met her for coffee and things) but we talk rarely and it's just not the same. Just one of those things in life.