tricky inlaws situation

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
I've been going out with my girlfriend a little over a year now and we are very happy together, we're very committed to one another, we frequently talk about our future together, we have met and socialised often with respective families, friends, etc... so, all in all, things are great I even spent a couple of days at her folks place over xmas and they made me feel very welcome, all good.

So, where's the problem?! Well... my history isn't completely straightforward. I am separated, following a relatively short marriage, albeit it was a very long term relationship overall, not exactly a quickie marriage, far from it. I should also add that my marriage broke down against my wishes and that there were no 3rd parties involved on either side - so, it wasn't your typical soap-opera breakup and in the end was quite amicable. I was only seperated about 6 months prior to meeting my current GF. Obviously I have been honest with her about it from day one and she has been very understanding and supportive and has never made a big issue about it.

So my (or should I say our) dillema is, how do we ever broach this issue with her parents. The difficulty is, they are very conservative, even by Irish mammy standards (daily mass goers, etc). My own parents are relatively conservative and found my situation hard, but this is another level altogether.

Neither of us are kids, but at the same time, families are important to both of us and I don't want to alienate them, lie to them or make them worry about their daughter, etc. I'm used to people making assumptions about me at this stage and its mostly water off a ducks back , but I'd prefer not to upset my GF's family and their opinion of me would matter a lot to both of us.

So should we tell them (I think we should) and how do we approach it? It's not exactly a topic to bring up over dinner, and I feel the longer its left, with me visiting occasionally and "with-holding information", the worse it will be! I guess I just fear that telling them could cause serious problems for us, but not telling them and risking them finding out by other means (unlikely, but still...) is probably worse...

ABajaninCork

TBH - it's no-one else's business but your own. The only person this should matter to is your partner. If she's cool with it, then that's all you need to worry about.

If your in-laws haven't asked about your marital situation, then why bring it up? The situation would only arise if your relationship moves on to the next level. There's also the small matter of a divorce if it comes down to it.

I personally feel that by bringing it up before time, you're only storing up trouble for yourself.

If, when you bring up the subject, they react badly, stay cool. Say something like : I'm sorry if this upsets you, but this is something that happened a long time ago. I can't do anything to change it.

On the other hand, you might be pleasantly surprised!:D

Hope this helps!

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here,
Thanks for the reply, everything you say makes sense

No, they've never asked and they never would - they're not the type of people who would ask anything of a personal nature like that... in truth, my GF tells her family very little about her own day to day personal life, whereas maybe I'm more used to my family knowing far too much about mine!

I suppose I feel a little guilty in accepting their hospitality, pretending to be someone I'm not, etc, and I'm concerned that it would be viewed negatively the longer they are kept in the dark- that it would be perceived that I have deceived them, when in reality I just don't know how to mention the elephant in the room.

But I do see what you mean when you say it's not really anyone else's business either.

Sleepy

You are not your marital status and your past relationships are of no concern to her parents. Speaking as a father (albeit one of a 2 year old), a man's past relationships (assuming no violence etc.) will be of no concern to me when it comes to his relationship with my daughter. It'll be how he treats her that I'll judge him by.

astra2000

Personally speaking I would be of the opinion that it is up to your gf if she feels she needs to tell them or not, they are her parents not yours, however if they ever posed the question you should be honest with them.

SirDelboy18

Its in the past.

Its none of the parents business.

If they have a problem then they need to stop trying to manipulate their daughter to conform to old societies practices, e.g, frowning upon divorce and seperation.

All in all, as other posters have pointed out, the only person that this should matter to is your girlfriend. If she is okay with the situation then everything is fine

Fittle

My only concern for you OP, is if you see yourself marrying this girl at all in the future - you obviously can't marry her in a church and you say her parents are daily mass-goers?

This could cause untold problems should it only come out a few years down the line...I believe in honesty in every situation - it's none of their business, agreed, but why cause more problems for yourself than are required?

I'd leave it up to your girlfriend, but make it clear that you have no problem if they know you're separated, and let her decide whether she should tell them or not. Secrets and lies have a horrible way of coming back to haunt us, and while it's really nothing to do with them, I don't think you should hide it from them.

A very long time ago, a family member of mine got married in a registry office in england, because her partner was divorced and had 2 kids. Only in the past five years, have we all 'found out' that this guy has grown children from a previous relationship and that her wedding photos never surfaced because they were in a registry office, and not because they were burnt in a fire (as she told us). While it's none of our business, they've caused themselves alot of heartache over the years, trying to 'hide' the situation....

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,

Fittle, you pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Yeah, you never know, perhaps our relationship will not last the distance, but yes, right now I do see myself marrying this girl one day - if I'm lucky enough for her to say yes! However, due to divorce/separation legislation in this country, it isn't even legally possible for me to do so for a few more years and of course a church wedding is impossible... which I'm sure will be a difficult issue, yes.

I know that in an ideal world, my GF would love the traditional big day too, but she understands that there's not much I can do about that.

I guess we have plenty of time to think about it

dollydishmop

My hubby was married/seperated when we first got together. Same as you, no major breakdown, and an amicable seperation between the two of them.

But I do remember *I* was the one who told my parents, not him - he wasn't even there at the time...they were my parents and at the time he didn't know them very well, so it didn't seem fair for him to bring it to the table so to speak.

I don't remember really how I told my parents at the time...but I do remember it wasn't a big deal. It was early on in our relationship, and I think mum and I were chatting about him one evening and I casually slipped it into the conversation. Personally I wouldn't have waited a year before bringing the subject up...can't imagine how my parents would have reacted to that to be honest, they were aware almost from the get-go.

Hardest thing for me was meeting *his* parents/siblings for the first time....they were lovely and welcoming, but I couldn't help spending the whole weekend feeling as I was being constantly compared to the wife....oh, and staring at *the* obligatory wedding photo of the happy couple on the dresser everytime we sat down for a meal ha ha (the wedding photo had disappeared the next time I visited :pac: - and has since been replaced by *our* wedding photo :cool: )