Felt left out and ignored with group of "friends"-why?

LegacyUser · 04-01-2011 7:31pm #1

I was out over Christmas and New Years with a group of friends that I have been friends with for some time. We have all been away to uni and done a bit of growing up in the mean time. I went to uni in England for my masters. Only one out of my group of so-called "friends" asked me how I got on. Another girl ignored me after it. I wasnt looking for any big celebrations, but a simple "hello, welcome back, how did you get on" would have been perfect. It would have been manners to do so.

However, I went out over the weekend with these group of girls. I spoke to all of them and eventually they all drifted away from me to another group. In the end I was left with two girls who whispered into one anothers ears the whole time I was with them. Now, the music wasn't that loud as I could hear what they were saying!

I tried initiating conversation- to which their eyes just glazed over.
I tried bringing someone else into the conversation when they walked over and again their eyes just glazed over.
Then I heard them bitching about me, in front of me. They then walked over to the other group of girls and bitched and laughed some more. I was completely left out of the conversation/joke.

I have no problem in holding a conversation or making friends as I have had to while in uni. I have never experienced people behaving the way they are!

What I want to know is-why are they acting like this?

Chuchoter · 04-01-2011 8:43pm

Because they are assholes and resent you for going off to England to do something interesting while they were stuck here. Don't even bother with the girls, drop them completely.

squishykins · 04-01-2011 9:22pm

I agree with Crayolastereo. I didn't go to England, but you really do find out who your true friends are when you don't see them every day like in school and you're even just a little bit out of the way (like an hour on the bus, come on!)

LegacyUser · 04-01-2011 9:55pm

It's strange tho because all these girls have good qualifications too. Only difference being I have lived further away from home. Although in all fairness, who cares if I did! I don't understand it! TBH if a friend went away to England/ somewhere different I would find them more interesting to talk to! I can't believe their lack of manners. Their behaviour is so stupid!

astra2000 · 04-01-2011 9:57pm

lonely123 wrote: »

.
Then I heard them bitching about me, in front of me. They then walked over to the other group of girls and bitched and laughed some more. I was completely left out of the conversation/joke.

I have no problem in holding a conversation or making friends as I have had to while in uni. I have never experienced people behaving the way they are!

What I want to know is-why are they acting like this?

Dont worry about why they acted like that walk away, friends dont treat each other this way actually nice people dont treat anyone this way.

VinnyTGM · 05-01-2011 1:40am

I don't mean to sound harsh but those girls are not your friends if they treat you like that.

poisonated · 05-01-2011 3:34am

I agree. There are times when I felt that I am all alone but you have 2 realise that sometimes people are closer than u think.

johnnyvega86 · 05-01-2011 5:58pm

lonely123 wrote: »

I was out over Christmas and New Years with a group of friends that I have been friends with for some time. We have all been away to uni and done a bit of growing up in the mean time. I went to uni in England for my masters. Only one out of my group of so-called "friends" asked me how I got on. Another girl ignored me after it. I wasnt looking for any big celebrations, but a simple "hello, welcome back, how did you get on" would have been perfect. It would have been manners to do so.

However, I went out over the weekend with these group of girls. I spoke to all of them and eventually they all drifted away from me to another group. In the end I was left with two girls who whispered into one anothers ears the whole time I was with them. Now, the music wasn't that loud as I could hear what they were saying!

I tried initiating conversation- to which their eyes just glazed over.
I tried bringing someone else into the conversation when they walked over and again their eyes just glazed over.
Then I heard them bitching about me, in front of me. They then walked over to the other group of girls and bitched and laughed some more. I was completely left out of the conversation/joke.

I have no problem in holding a conversation or making friends as I have had to while in uni. I have never experienced people behaving the way they are!

What I want to know is-why are they acting like this?

Hi OP

I just want to play Devil's Advocate here just to be clear about a few points if that's ok with you?
Because when a group of people all behave the same way around somebody it probably has something to do with the person rather than the group.
It is highly unlikely that there is a conspiracy among them and that they have all decided to be mean to you before you returned from England.

Are you absolutely sure it's not your fault?
Perhaps you have poor social skills and unintentionally irritate people?
What I mean is do you talk too much and not let anyone get a word in?
Do you talk about only yourself all the time or are you a poor listener?
Do you try to dominate a conversation or try to cling on to people or try to force them to be your friend?
Do you talk too loud or too rapidly or do you gesticulate wildly?
Do you have an annoying sounding voice or a braying laugh?
Are you indiscreet or do you tell people what you are thinking too readily?
Are you really really sure you are not unintentionally annoying people without even knowing what you are doing?
I know lots of people who put their foot in it or are a figure of fun and don't actually know that people are really just laughing at them.

When a group of people have complete contempt for someone they don't necessarily voice it directly to their face.
There's a kind of a nod and a wink when he/she is around because they don't actually know how to get rid of them.

It's possible these are the most despicable people on earth and they have decided to exclude you for no reason whatsoever but that is not a logical explanation so there must be something you have done or are doing to annoy them.

Cheap Thrills! · 05-01-2011 6:08pm

^^ Maybe this.

Do you just begin every sentance with 'In England...blah blah blah' or talk about yourself incessantly?

If that's not the case then the are just a pack of jealous b!tches.

mgmt · 05-01-2011 7:13pm

Did you keep in contact with your friends while you were away? Lots of people get irritated by a person who left and then no contact and then suddenly wants to be best pals again.

Also the last two posts might have some merit.

Monkey Allen · 06-01-2011 8:39am

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Hi OP

I just want to play Devil's Advocate here just to be clear about a few points if that's ok with you?
Because when a group of people all behave the same way around somebody it probably has something to do with the person rather than the group.
It is highly unlikely that there is a conspiracy among them and that they have all decided to be mean to you before you returned from England.

Are you absolutely sure it's not your fault?
Perhaps you have poor social skills and unintentionally irritate people?
What I mean is do you talk too much and not let anyone get a word in?
Do you talk about only yourself all the time or are you a poor listener?
Do you try to dominate a conversation or try to cling on to people or try to force them to be your friend?
Do you talk too loud or too rapidly or do you gesticulate wildly?
Do you have an annoying sounding voice or a braying laugh?
Are you indiscreet or do you tell people what you are thinking too readily?
Are you really really sure you are not unintentionally annoying people without even knowing what you are doing?
I know lots of people who put their foot in it or are a figure of fun and don't actually know that people are really just laughing at them.

When a group of people have complete contempt for someone they don't necessarily voice it directly to their face.
There's a kind of a nod and a wink when he/she is around because they don't actually know how to get rid of them.

It's possible these are the most despicable people on earth and they have decided to exclude you for no reason whatsoever but that is not a logical explanation so there must be something you have done or are doing to annoy them.

Regardless if the above is true, if you are happy being who you are, dont compromise. If you are intentionally annoying people, then obviously you'd have to change. But if you are being a nice person in your eyes, giving everyone a chance, stick to your guns. If you have an annoying laugh, find friends who will tell you its annoying and then tell them to deal with it as its probably impossible to change your laugh if you want to laugh naturally.

Be yourself, to hell with anyone who doesnt like it.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 10:50am

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Hi OP

I just want to play Devil's Advocate here just to be clear about a few points if that's ok with you?
Because when a group of people all behave the same way around somebody it probably has something to do with the person rather than the group.
It is highly unlikely that there is a conspiracy among them and that they have all decided to be mean to you before you returned from England.

Are you absolutely sure it's not your fault?
Perhaps you have poor social skills and unintentionally irritate people?
What I mean is do you talk too much and not let anyone get a word in?
Do you talk about only yourself all the time or are you a poor listener?
Do you try to dominate a conversation or try to cling on to people or try to force them to be your friend?
Do you talk too loud or too rapidly or do you gesticulate wildly?
Do you have an annoying sounding voice or a braying laugh?
Are you indiscreet or do you tell people what you are thinking too readily?
Are you really really sure you are not unintentionally annoying people without even knowing what you are doing?
I know lots of people who put their foot in it or are a figure of fun and don't actually know that people are really just laughing at them.

When a group of people have complete contempt for someone they don't necessarily voice it directly to their face.
There's a kind of a nod and a wink when he/she is around because they don't actually know how to get rid of them.

It's possible these are the most despicable people on earth and they have decided to exclude you for no reason whatsoever but that is not a logical explanation so there must be something you have done or are doing to annoy them.

Regardless of the OPs possible faults she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, no one does. If they were decent human beings or real friends they should talk to her about problems they have, rather than shun her and bitch about her where she can hear them. That's just plain nasty.

None of us are perfect and yes it's good to be aware of social skills, but people who can treat an old friend this way, without trying to actually communicate that they have a real problem, are just not worth her time.

In the town where I grew up I saw girls do this kind of thing countless times to each other, and it was usually the people who were kind of different or had ideas & dreams that were outside the norm of the group that were treated so unkindly. The reasons were usually petty and ridiculous. I saw one girl shunned because she was quite friendly, loved being social and meeting/chatting to new people outside of her normal group of friends. Some people took umbridge to this and decided it was reason enough to ostracise her from the group and make her feel bad without her knowing why. So it's not beyond the group of girls the OP is talking about to act the same way.

OP I know it's hard, but I say cut your losses and hang out with people who you know are real friends. Anyone who makes you feel bad is not worth your time. Even if you've done something wrong that you're unaware of, a decent human being will take the time to at least try to communicate a problem - anyone who goes out of their way to bitch about you, give you the cold shoulder and make you feel horrible, instead of talking about their difficulties, is not worth wasting your time on.

Life is too short to waste our time hanging out with people who go to such efforts to make us feel bad, I persoanlly think it's much better to have fewer friends you know will treat you right rather than keeping lots of people in your life who you know can be so unkind.

johnnyvega86 · 06-01-2011 11:52am

Worthiness wrote: »

Regardless of the OPs possible faults she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, no one does. If they were decent human beings or real friends they should talk to her about problems they have, rather than shun her and bitch about her where she can hear them. That's just plain nasty.

In the real world people do treat people this way.
There is no point in wishing it wasn't so. Instead a person has to learn to play the game and navigate through the social minefield. The world is a war of all against all and it's been that way since the beginning of time.
Everybody says this shouldn't be but we all play our little games keep a iron fist inside a velvet glove.
If you wear your heart on your sleeve it gets pecked.

None of us are perfect and yes it's good to be aware of social skills, but people who can treat an old friend this way, without trying to actually communicate that they have a real problem, are just not worth her time.

People don't tell you what they are thinking. They just see to it that you don't advance in life.

In the town where I grew up I saw girls do this kind of thing countless times to each other, and it was usually the people who were kind of different or had ideas & dreams that were outside the norm of the group that were treated so unkindly. The reasons were usually petty and ridiculous. I saw one girl shunned because she was quite friendly, loved being social and meeting/chatting to new people outside of her normal group of friends. Some people took umbridge to this and decided it was reason enough to ostracise her from the group and make her feel bad without her knowing why. So it's not beyond the group of girls the OP is talking about to act the same way.

Whether she intended to or not, she irritated everyone by shining too brightly.
People don't like to feel inferior to other people and this unfortunate girl made everyone feel inferior by being nicer than everyone else.

OP I know it's hard, but I say cut your losses and hang out with people who you know are real friends.

You will never be absolutely sure who your real friends are. If you keep cutting your losses you will have no friends. Half the time people have to pretend to be nice to be nice to other people and never tell anyone what they are really thinking.

Anyone who makes you feel bad is not worth your time.

It is worth your time finding out why they are behaving the way they are toward you and recognizing what you are doing that arouses that reaction so you can avoid it happening when you meet other people.

Even if you've done something wrong that you're unaware of, a decent human being will take the time to at least try to communicate a problem - anyone who goes out of their way to bitch about you, give you the cold shoulder and make you feel horrible, instead of talking about their difficulties, is not worth wasting your time on.

Sorry but the world is full of people like that and always will be. If you want to be successfully socially and in work you have to be able to read people like this and find out how to win them over.

Life is too short to waste our time hanging out with people who go to such efforts to make us feel bad, I persoanlly think it's much better to have fewer friends you know will treat you right rather than keeping lots of people in your life who you know can be so unkind.

I disagree. If you limit yourself to only a small group of people you limit your ability to progress in life. You have to network and get to know as many people as you possibly can, do them favors and get favors in return.

People are often motivated by self-interest and they will be unkind to you or indifferent to you if you have nothing to offer them.

coconut5 · 06-01-2011 5:27pm

I don't really agree with the Business 101 Social Networking post above. What a depressing outlook on life!

There is absolutely no reason why these people would all of a sudden find you annoying and unbearable to be around if you were good friends in the past. It's all to do with not seeing you, them getting closer as a group, and probably not knowing how to react now that you're back, cos you've been out of the loop for a while. Personally, I wouldn't bother trying to get back in with them again, unless you feel like you're really losing out. Sometimes it takes time, and probably the next time you meet them, it will be a lot better. But I wouldn't let it get you down. This has happened to me countless times, and while I could break every 'rule' in Johnny's list, I know that there are lots of people who like hanging out with me, and I guarantee it is the same for you.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 8:00pm

OP here, Thanks for all the posts so far..

First of all, the girls have always been like this. Except, they have gotten worse since we all moved away from home. I tried to keep in touch with them- they only replied the odd time.

One of the girls bullied someone when she was in primary school. Two other girls in the group stood by and let the bully do their worst to the victim. This happened in primary school before I met them.

They bitch about one another constantly- so it's not just me they are bitching about. They are very two-faced. I don't join in on it even though they try to get me to. I hate all of that. To be honest, if I knew another group of girls in my area I would have ditched them long ago.

When I came back from England none of them asked me how I got on! So, no I never spoke about being over there as I knew they didn't want to hear about it.

With regards to the questions jonnyvvegas asked- whether I am like that or not. It's no way to treat someone. But...
It's a "no" to all of the questions! I have many different groups of friends away from home. It's just a pity that they are so far away!
I sense their non-verbal cues (body language) they are sending out. Sometimes, verbal too (when they bitch about me). They don't really seem to want to involve me in the conversation- so most of the time I stay quiet. I hate that too- as I am a friendly, chatty person.

I remember one night we were out and the girls were being quite loud as we all had had a few drinks at that stage. At the time, I was left out of the circle of girls because their shoulders kinda built a barrier. Two guys walked by, looked at me and one of them said-"you are the best looking one of the lot of them (gesturing to my friends) yet you are the quietest of them all!" To which his friend agreed. It was a nice thing to say. I probably looked fed up because I was left out! Before anyway says it, I try to initiate conversation but their eyes just glaze over! I have never felt like this with other groups of friends!

Are you indiscreet or do you tell people what you are thinking too readily?
I'm an honest person, but I am capable of keeping my mouth shut so that I don't hurt someone.

Are you really really sure you are not unintentionally annoying people without even knowing what you are doing?
I have thought about it- is it me that is the problem. I don't think so, I wouldn't have friends away from home either then would I!

johnnyvega86 · 06-01-2011 8:32pm

lonely123 wrote: »

OP here, Thanks for all the posts so far..

First of all, the girls have always been like this. Except, they have gotten worse since we all moved away from home. I tried to keep in touch with them- they only replied the odd time.

Why did you feel the need to do all the work? That definitely sounds like you are running after people trying to force them to like you. Why do you still do that when they don't respond?

One of the girls bullied someone when she was in primary school. Two other girls in the group stood by and let the bully do their worst to the victim. This happened in primary school before I met them.

Why are you trying to make friends with bullies? They seem to be bullying you now and you are letting them do it.

They bitch about one another constantly- so it's not just me they are bitching about. They are very two-faced. I don't join in on it even though they try to get me to. I hate all of that. To be honest, if I knew another group of girls in my area I would have ditched them long ago.

So why haven't you tried to make friends with another group of girls? What are you waiting for?

When I came back from England none of them asked me how I got on! So, no I never spoke about being over there as I knew they didn't want to hear about it.

If you knew already why are you surprised when they didn't ask you?

whether I am like that or not. It's no way to treat someone. But...

Perhaps when you behave in particular ways you will invite this kind of behavior?

I sense their non-verbal cues (body language) they are sending out. Sometimes, verbal too (when they bitch about me). They don't really seem to want to involve me in the conversation- so most of the time I stay quiet. I hate that too- as I am a friendly, chatty person.

So why don't you just up and leave?

I remember one night we were out and the girls were being quite loud as we all had had a few drinks at that stage. At the time, I was left out of the circle of girls because their shoulders kinda built a barrier.

Perhaps they don't want you in their group and they are waiting for you to take the hint and go away?
Perhaps the more they try to ease you out the more you try to tag along with them?

Two guys walked by, looked at me and one of them said-"you are the best looking one of the lot of them (gesturing to my friends) yet you are the quietest of them all!" To which his friend agreed. It was a nice thing to say

Perhaps the guys only said it because they were too shy to try and chat up the group of girls together but they found you were separate from them?
Perhaps they might have said the same thing to dozens of girls in the same position as you were?

I probably looked fed up because I was left out!

Maybe your problem is you know you are fed up and left out but you persisting in hanging around with these people?

Before anyway says it, I try to initiate conversation but their eyes just glaze over! I have never felt like this with other groups of friends!

You keep trying to initiate conversations with people who have no interested in having a conversation?

Are you indiscreet or do you tell people what you are thinking too readily?
I'm an honest person, but I am capable of keeping my mouth shut so that I don't hurt someone.

You said in the previous sentence that you try to initiate a conversation only to see peoples' eyes glazing over. Perhaps you are not able to 'keep your mouth' and the result is that only person you hurt is yourself.

I have thought about it- is it me that is the problem. I don't think so, I wouldn't have friends away from home either then would I!

Are you positive that your actions did not alienate your so-called friends?

Are you sure that your new friends will not turn against you if you start repeating the same behavior with them?

Monkey Allen · 06-01-2011 9:11pm

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

lonely123 wrote: »

OP here, Thanks for all the posts so far..

Why did you feel the need to do all the work? That definitely sounds like you are running after people trying to force them to like you. Why do you still do that when they don't respond?

Why are you trying to make friends with bullies? They seem to be bullying you now and you are letting them do it.

So why haven't you tried to make friends with another group of girls? What are you waiting for?

If you knew already why are you surprised when they didn't ask you?

Perhaps when you behave in particular ways you will invite this kind of behavior?

So why don't you just up and leave?

Perhaps they don't want you in their group and they are waiting for you to take the hint and go away?
Perhaps the more they try to ease you out the more you try to tag along with them?

Perhaps the guys only said it because they were too shy to try and chat up the group of girls together but they found you were separate from them?
Perhaps they might have said the same thing to dozens of girls in the same position as you were?

Maybe your problem is you know you are fed up and left out but you persisting in hanging around with these people?

You keep trying to initiate conversations with people who have no interested in having a conversation?

You said in the previous sentence that you try to initiate a conversation only to see peoples' eyes glazing over. Perhaps you are not able to 'keep your mouth' and the result is that only person you hurt is yourself.

Are you positive that your actions did not alienate your so-called friends?

Are you sure that your new friends will not turn against you if you start repeating the same behavior with them?

This is very immature. This isnt a school playground she's talking about. People need to respect those who want to hang out with them. You dont have to invite them out but you do have to respect their company when they are around you. Ok, there is no law. But anyone who thinks its ok to behave like that needs to grow the hell up.

The OP needs to take action though and move on.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 9:14pm

Why are they acting like this?
Well you said they've always being like this so you shouldn't be too surprised.
For probably a number of reasons, you are just not at all compatible with this group of girls.
You said that they bitch constantly,even about each other and that you don't get involved with that kind of crap-so even that fact alone will separate you from them.

I get the impression that you may unintentionally make them feel inferior to you, whether they realise it themselves or not.
Have they always stuck around in their own small group through school/college and never seem to do anything individual outside "the group" ?
Have you usually achieved higher grades than them throughout school/college?
Do you usually get more male attention or are you significantly more attractive?
Have any of them had desires to do what you did and travel from the small town, but never had the guts/abilities to do it themselves?
These are only possibilities-could be something different.

Now for real friends, these things wouldn't really bother people too much, but for some people it will just bring out all their insecurities,
and for the people who don't realise they that they are just feeling insecure about something about themselves, it just manifests itself into bitchiness, that is usually just explained by, "I just don't like her", or "she's full of herself".
If they discover that their fellow insecure group of friends feel the same way about you, then they use this as confirmation and justification "see,I was right to feel this way about her"

then you will get "the group" ostracizing that individual for no other reason than that person highlights something that they don't like in or feels is lacking in themselves.

You have made several other good friends with no problem, so I don't think you need to be worrying that their is some major issue wrong with you.
I agree with JohnnyVega that you ARE doing something or possess some element of personality that does irritate them and make them dislike you, but taking your word that you don't tick any of that list of annoying things, then I think that all that is bothering them about you is the fact that you are either more successful, more attractive, have a more interesting life or perhaps all 3.

If they are also attractive and successful ladies, and you don't feel this is the reason for their bitchiness, then I think the fact that you aren't bitchy yourself is one of the biggest things here.
I've experienced this myself before. If you don't join in with bitching, then the bitching will turn on you. People who bitch constantly like to have their friends agree with them, and anybody who doesn't join in makes that person question and look at themselves, so they look for reassurance from their other friends and turn their bitching on you.

Again, speaking from experience if you want social acceptance from these girls, then downplay your intelligence and your education/career success. Downplay your confidence in how you look, and laugh at their "funny" bitchy comments about others, maybe even throw in a few yourself. Show more comradeship, and try to spend as much time as possible with "the group" and don't venture far from it with your "big ideas about yourself"
Do all this and you will be accepted, they will finally feel like you are "one of them" ............
But you won't be you,and will end up hating yourself for it.

JohnnyVega,I agree people may occasionally have to kiss ass in their careers, but I don't believe the same is so in social friendships. She doesn't need any "favors" from these people, and she owes them nothing.

Op, don't change any good things about yourself, just so the less than good people will accept you. You don't have to have a big fall out, could keep them as casual acquaintances, but find some real friends who accept you for who you are. Otherwise you will live a lie, pretending to be someone you're not.

Best of luck.

LA

johnnyvega86 · 06-01-2011 9:37pm

Monkey Allen wrote: »

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

This is very immature. This isnt a school playground she's talking about.

Unfortunately many people are very immature and continue to act like they are on the playground as adults. They are not going to change.

People need to respect those who want to hang out with them.

But they don't always do that and there are particular reasons why they don't. It often is a two-way problem.

You dont have to invite them out but you do have to respect their company when they are around you. Ok, there is no law. But anyone who thinks its ok to behave like that needs to grow the hell up.

Everybody knows somebody they don't like and who they give the cold shoulder. Everybody does it and most of us only do it when nothing else has worked. I suspect the OP knows these so-called friends were not real friends for a very long time now and had refused to accept it and continued to hang around with them pretending nothing was going wrong.

The OP needs to take action though and move on.

I absolutely agree 100%.

Monkey Allen · 06-01-2011 9:43pm

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Monkey Allen wrote: »

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Unfortunately many people are very immature and continue to act like they are on the playground as adults. They are not going to change.

But they don't always do that and there are particular reasons why they don't. It often is a two-way problem.

Everybody knows somebody they don't like and who they give the cold shoulder. Everybody does it and most of us only do it when nothing else has worked. I suspect the OP knows these so-called friends were not real friends for a very long time now and had refused to accept it and continued to hang around with them pretending nothing was going wrong.

I absolutely agree 100%.

SOME people are this immature, we know that. The OP doesnt have to change them. It sounds like she is looking for a reason to it. You're suggesting she could be the problem. She is for sticking around with them. But it doesnt excuse their behaviour. You suggested she 'play the game'. Thats whats immature. It condones this behaviour which means she either becomes the sheep or gets involved with the bitching. Neither of those things are in the OP's favour.

You have to live your life by your principles, not someone elses.

johnnyvega86 · 06-01-2011 9:58pm

Monkey Allen wrote: »

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Monkey Allen wrote: »

SOME people are this immature, we know that. The OP doesnt have to change them. It sounds like she is looking for a reason to it. You're suggesting she could be the problem. She is for sticking around with them. But it doesnt excuse their behaviour. You suggested she 'play the game'. Thats whats immature. It condones this behaviour which means she either becomes the sheep or gets involved with the bitching. Neither of those things are in the OP's favour

Everybody plays games at some level with everybody we encounter, we change the tone of our voices, we imitate some of their mannerism, we might wear the same type of clothes and do the same activities together in order to build a bond. We try to keep people onside who might not necessarily see as friends and we have close friends we keep confide in and acquaintances we keep at a distance.

The OP needs to learn how to differentiate 'friends' and friends, how to read people and how to know when to move on.

You have to live your life by your principles, not someone elses.

I agree 100% but we have to camouflage ourselves for the sake of harmony.

Monkey Allen · 06-01-2011 10:06pm

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Monkey Allen wrote: »

johnnyvega86 wrote: »

Monkey Allen wrote: »

Everybody plays games at some level with everybody we encounter, we change the tone of our voices, we imitate some of their mannerism, we might wear the same type of clothes and do the same activities together in order to build a bond. We try to keep people onside who might not necessarily see as friends and we have close friends we keep confide in and acquaintances we keep at a distance.

The OP needs to learn how to differentiate 'friends' and friends, how to read people and how to know when to move on.

I agree 100% but we have to camouflage ourselves for the sake of harmony.

Firstly, I think this is incredibly negative. If the OP moves on, she should be looking to find like minded people who she can be herself around. Not more people she has to conform to.

Can you explain your last statement? Are you suggesting we have to pretend to be something else in order to be successful socially? Life isnt a competition, work can be but thats where it should end.

LegacyUser · 06-01-2011 10:30pm

Johnnyvegas,

I didn't know that these girls were bullies until after I met them. I heard through someone else that this was what they were doing in her primary school.

When I came back home from England-I expected a bit of a catch up with "friends". They did not ask me how I got on. THEN, I realised it was because they didn't want to hear about it. So I didn't speak about it.

I don't tag along- they invite me out for meals, coffee, nights out, etc. Which I find strange, as when I am there they just ignore me! I also try to arrange things aswel-same outcome. If they don't want me there, then why do they invite me out?

I sometimes think- that maybe it's because I am quiet when I am out with them is the reason they ignore me/ forget about the quieter person. So that's why I try to initiate conversation/ make an effort. I tend to be quieter when I am out with them as opposed to uni friends. I guess it's because I don't feel comfortable in their company (friends from home). If I speak they sometimes don't want to listen to me. If I don't speak then I feel like I am not making an effort.

I have already made new friends in uni but they live a good bit away from me now. Really enjoyed meeting up with them. Couldn't believe the difference in the flow in conversation between friends from home and uni friends!

I found their (friends at home) behaviour immature- even with one another.

76543

Have they always stuck around in their own small group through school/college and never seem to do anything individual outside "the group" ?
yes.

Have you usually achieved higher grades than them throughout school/college?
Either the same or sometimes slightly above

Do you usually get more male attention or are you significantly more attractive?
About the same..

Have any of them had desires to do what you did and travel from the small town, but never had the guts/abilities to do it themselves?
Yes

Katgurl · 07-01-2011 2:27am

Op I sympathise I went to an extraordinarily bitchy girls school and really there is nothing more unpleasant than being subjected to it.

I'd say there are a number of things at play here:

you are now seeing them with new eyes and having made new friends and therefore frame of refererence it's much clearer how bad their behaviour is.

As a previous poster commented on, bitches hate when one person doesn't embrace the bitching because it exposes them as the petty pointless characters they are. I've a good few years on you but I always refused get involved in bitching in offices and from time to time i felt the brunt of it. It always always went in my favour longterm though so stick with it.

Also there is the big fish little pond syndrome. You said they were bullies in school. Within their tiny world I'm sure they feel respected and feared. But believe me these type characters lose all their power when they are flushed out into real world. I'm sure they sense this - you've made new friends- and they resent it

I wouldn't bother confronting them. Just decide they are not worth the bother and get on with your own life, keep them as friendly acquaintances. You never know one or two might change and a new friendship could evolve in the future.

Felt left out and ignored with group of "friends"-why?

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