Should I ask him back?

LegacyUser

I was with my partner seven years when we broke up last summer and I haven't stopped thinking of him since. We broke up in flamboyant style, plenty of screaming and dramatic slamming of doors. The big underlying problem was that I felt he was not paying enough attention to me or our relationship, whereas he felt that I was being over-zealous in my demands. (I wasn't)

This carry-on had been going on around six months when we eventually broke up. Since then there has been no contact whatsoever on either side. We are both stubborn people but I do love him and I know he loves me. (Though I've nothing to show me he'd like to try again) This December was without doubt the toughest period of my adult life and I am coming around to the feeling that I love him too much to move on.

I'd really appreciate some opinions on whether or not it'd be a good idea to contact him. My motives for contacting him would be purely to find out if he is happy to leave things as they are or if he thinks we might have made a mistake.

I am looking at this two ways: If he wanted to give it another go then great, if not then at least I'd have my answer and be in a better position to move on emotionally - but there is also that other voice telling me if he loved me as much as I need him to he'd have been at my door already, or, more importantly, he wouldn't have put me last in his life in the first place. He wasn't the only one at fault, we both made mistakes in the relationship and I just don't know what way to go with this. I am just so sad right now, that was some bloody holiday season I just passed, I can tell you. Please advise.

Wompa1

ShouldI? wrote: »

I was with my partner seven years when we broke up last summer and I haven't stopped thinking of him since. We broke up in flamboyant style, plenty of screaming and dramatic slamming of doors. The big underlying problem was that I felt he was not paying enough attention to me or our relationship, whereas he felt that I was being over-zealous in my demands. (I wasn't)

This carry-on had been going on around six months when we eventually broke up. Since then there has been no contact whatsoever on either side. We are both stubborn people but I do love him and I know he loves me. (Though I've nothing to show me he'd like to try again) This December was without doubt the toughest period of my adult life and I am coming around to the feeling that I love him too much to move on.

I'd really appreciate some opinions on whether or not it'd be a good idea to contact him. My motives for contacting him would be purely to find out if he is happy to leave things as they are or if he thinks we might have made a mistake.

I am looking at this two ways: If he wanted to give it another go then great, if not then at least I'd have my answer and be in a better position to move on emotionally - but there is also that other voice telling me if he loved me as much as I need him to he'd have been at my door already, or, more importantly, he wouldn't have put me last in his life in the first place. He wasn't the only one at fault, we both made mistakes in the relationship and I just don't know what way to go with this. I am just so sad right now, that was some bloody holiday season I just passed, I can tell you. Please advise.

Usually I'd say look forward, don't look back but 7 years is a long time! If you feel like it's good for you, I'd say go for it. Just becareful you don't get hurt...maybe he's moved on..

Giblet

ShouldI? wrote: »

I was with my partner seven years when we broke up last summer and I haven't stopped thinking of him since. We broke up in flamboyant style, plenty of screaming and dramatic slamming of doors. The big underlying problem was that I felt he was not paying enough attention to me or our relationship, whereas he felt that I was being over-zealous in my demands. (I wasn't)
.

Bolded part stands out. So you don't accept his problems with the relationship? How do you expect things to be different?

LegacyUser

Giblet wrote: »

Bolded part stands out. So you don't accept his problems with the relationship? How do you expect things to be different?

As I said, I made mistakes in the relationship also, but expecting to spend a reasonable amount of time with my partner of seven years wasnt one of them. We had always spent a healthy amount of time together, but for personal reasons of his (which I won't go into here) his head was wreaked and he began escaping reality, which involved spending more and more time away from me.

I don't know where he's at now in his head. I don't know if he's resolved his issues and I don't know if he's moved on, as Wompa1 warned, or if he's exactly where I'm at - still in love with someone who made a dramatic and very sudden exit out of his life.

S23

7 years is a long time so if you do still have feelings for him then it's best not to let things drift and end up wondering what might have been.

However, it's very hard to gauge if anything has changed since your break up that would suggest you can actually make it work. Your post shows a reluctance to accept that there may have been two sides to the relationship issues.

You wanted more from him and he felt you were too demanding. You do not accept that you were. Without knowing the actual details (which I'm sure are quite in depth) it's impossible to say if a breakup was the right thing.

He hasn't contacted you since nor you him. I know you say he loves you (and there is no doubt that he did love you as he was with you for 7 years) but it is also possible he has spent the last 6 months trying to get his life together and move on from a very painful breakup.

but there is also that other voice telling me if he loved me as much as I need him to he'd have been at my door already

On top of what seems to be a reluctance to accept any major fault in the breakdown of the relationship this quote jumped out at me. If he loved you as much as you need him to (?) then he should be the one beating down your door?

Why is the onus on him? There has been nothing stopping you from going to him. It's just as easy to claim you don't love him as much as he needs you to because you haven't been at his door. You're not taking any great deal of responsibilty for what happend or what you think should be happening if you are to reconcile. That could be a major stumbling block if you do approach him.

Now I've no idea who did what so maybe he is the one that was totally out of order or maybe not. Just leave your mind open to the possibility you were as much to blame as him

One final thing this 'love me as much as I need him to'. IMO there are different types of love and I think most people would agree. However, when it comes to romantic, lets spend forever together, love I don't think there are levels. You either love someone enough to be with them forever or you don't. I don't get this 'as much as I need him to'.

Give getting in touch with him a go but go in with an open mind and a clean slate.

LegacyUser

Thank you for that very balanced and considered post S23. I would really like to spell out every last detail as I feel I'd get more rounded responses as a result, but there is just a deep reluctance on my part to talk about his business on the internet.

I get what you are saying about it being as easy for me to have contacted him, but basically I had done more than my fair share of patching things up during arguments in the run up to the break-up, which was why I felt if he loved me or wanted the relationship it was about time he took responsibility for making the first move towards making things better between us.

LegacyUser

Don't mind the mad 'index pription' headline, lol, that was the image verification typed in the wrong box!