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Sex life help

  • 04-01-2011 12:59pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Guys,

    I'm married two years and we have been trying to have a baby. We get on brilliantly but our sex life is well, quite boring. As far as I can see, my wife holds the cards in terms of when we have sex. I find her very attractive and would have sex at almost anytime. She has been stressed lately over work and has been down over things etc. and I can sense her mood and don't push for sex but would just leave it if I sense she is not up for it. I know that ladies are very much mood driven whereas guys just about have it at any stage! But in terms of trying to have a baby, if I think about ejaculating too much, I can't and I know that is down to me and I'm giving myself performance anxiety. There is very little spontaniety between us and my wife prefers to have sex in the bedroom. It is normally me that instigates sex between us and if we were cuddling up watching TV I would have a "feel" if you know what I mean. My wife has never, ever done this in all the time we are together - not even if we were in bed together would she start playing with me to instigate sex. I have bought vibrators and sex toys - she is just not into them. When we have sex, it is great for both of us but we are just not having sex often enough to have a baby and I don't want to push her because I know that she is just not in the mood sometimes.

    Has anyone got any ideas as to how I can spice things up and help us along? I try my best to listen to her and understand her as best I can. I'm beginning to get really worried now. Are we just not sexually compatible? Is this a major flaw in our relationship?
    Cheers.


Comments

  • #2
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Have you talked to her about it? I mean, away from the bedroom had a good heart to heart about what does it for you, what you'd like to try, what you don't like so much and so on? It sounds like you are working entirely on reading her "moods" and there is little to no open and honest communication about both of your needs being met.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think it's possible that your wife is just shy in the bedroom. We live in a society where for many years women were lambasted for having 'fun sex' rather than 'procreative sex'. Another problem could be that you always took the lead, she's used to that and would feel weird if she took the lead. Have you ever told her what you would like her to do to you/for you? Sometimes when you're immersed in a relationship, it's hard to see the wood for the trees. Your wife probably thinks everything's hunky dory and doesn't realise you have this need you want met.

    Try showing her what you want her to do. It mightn't go well the first time (does any sexual encounter go well the first time!!! : )), but try it a few times and hopefully your wife will become more comfortable expressing herself.


  • #4
    Squiggler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Squiggler


    Two things stood out from your post for me
    Alittlebitlost wrote: »
    She has been stressed lately over work and has been down over things etc.

    Stress is a real libido killer for a woman. You could try helping out more around the house, if you don't already, giving her a few nights off, letting her have time to herself to read or soak in a bath... When you do have children she will need you to help out and getting a start on it now might help to not only reduce her daily stress levels and increase her libido but also to help her feel more secure about the future.

    It is also possible that she is feeling stressed/distressed/under pressure or anxious in other ways about the fact that you are trying for a baby. Before I got pregnant I went through a whole range of additional emotions ever month. Hoping I was, then afraid that I was (how would we afford it etc) and then feeling like a failure when I wasn't - and worrying that there was something wrong with me.
    Alittlebitlost wrote: »
    we are just not having sex often enough to have a baby

    As far as baby making goes it's not the quanitity, it's the quality and the timing. Once at the right time in the cycle can be all it takes.

    Talk to her about it. Discuss your feelings and ask about hers, or maybe start by asking her. Ask what you can do to help out. Pregnancy is rough, the first three months are exhausting and the last three can be extremely uncomfortable. And then the fun really starts after the baby is born. Going through all of that while working full-time and then having to go home and take care of all the housework and childcare alone isn't an appealing prospect for anyone.

    As a good friend described it, you suddenly find that you're a single working Mom with a lazy (adult) roommate that you can't get rid of. Wouldn't do any harm to make sure she knows that's not how things are going to end up for you two, with consistent examples.


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