I am damaged goods

LegacyUser

Apologies if this post rambles I'm suffering flu and kinda rambling.

I'm a female in my early 30's. I'm very attractive looking, outgoing, a good friend, sociable, confident. I'm the type of girl men always describe as sexy.

I've been single for two years and in that time I've bedded a huge number of men. The sex is becoming more and more extreme. Inevitably men who are completely smitten with me seem vaguely repulsed afterwards.

I've always been a bit like this - pushing the boundaries sexually. I have started to wonder if I am purposely sabotaging any chance of a relationship.

I have had two longterm relationships, the first very happy and in truth I am still in love with him.

I drink heavily and I make myself available to men in a way that repulses me.

I've had a string of disappointments recently with things just not getting off the ground. I'm
starting to wonder if I am actually giving out a signal that I am a piece of garbage because even the occasional man I've met but not been intimate with has just seemed to go cold on me.

My friends would be shocked if they knew I felt like this. I've been making jokes recently that I've rethought my plans for motherhood / marriage I no longer want to meet someone and I'm gonna be promiscuous permanently instead. But I've started to believe it.

I know this post isn't very clear so I'll give some examples of crazy secret things I've done recently -

I was in bar and met this seriously seriously cute guy who was bit younger than me. I couldn't believe he was chatting me up but he stuck his number in my phone and said call him if I ever needed help with something (don't wanna give too much away here). As soon as I got home I texted him my address and told him to come over.

I was on date last week with friend of friend, all going great, very promising, he told me he was falling for me and thought we should take things slow. I insisted otherwise and we went back to his and had really ****edup sex. He wanted see me tonight but I
have completely gone off him.

A couple of months ago I was dating this exceptionally handsome guy who was a blatant womaniser and dabbled in photography. I went back to his and posed for an xrated photoshoot. A few dates later he dumped me.

Nobody wants me and it's very obvious why, I let them treat me like garbage.

I always had this tendency but I seem to have gotten ridiculous recently, I've just given up hope of it being nice or normal or romantic with anyone.

I feel really sad and really miserable.

Professional Griefer

Sounds like you're just going through a bit of a party stage, like people in college.

I honestly wouldn't worry about not finding a man that you'll settle with, don't even let that cross your mind.

I don't really know what kind of advice to give it, it seems right to say lay off the drink a bit, but that makes you sound like a alcoholic, and I'm not suggesting that, just seems you go wild when you're drunk, and I hope i haven't offended you there, I might be completely in the wrong, and other posters will see this.

It sounds like you know these people will take advantage of you and as you said, treat you like garbage, don't let anyone ever do that, never good for your own mental well being.

I'm really not trying to be a d**k here or anything, but I dunno, drink less or just say no to these people if you know it won't end well, but you never know, one of those men you might fall for.

Hope everything works out alright:)

girl2

When I read the first few lines of your post I thought you were describing me! I too am in my early 30s, I am a confident, intelligent, somewhat attractive woman.

However, I was shocked at the rest of your post to be honest.

You know exactly what is wrong, you have said it yourself in your post. You can see how damaging your behaviour is, never mind the risk you are putting yourself at, both where your sexual health is concerned as well as your physical safety. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way, and in fact are responsible for instigating some of the situations. Im a bit baffled to be honest.

It seems you are setting yourself up for failure, that you have this preconceived idea that youre not worthy of a decent relationship.

In my honest to God opinion, I believe that no man want to be with a woman longterm who has been up to all sorts of antics and the behaviour you are describing.

I am not judging you at all, not in any sense, because, I myself am my own worst enemy too........but I would stress to you, please for your own safety, never mind any of the other things, like meeting someone for life, please take a look at your behaviour.

Cheap Thrills!

op just wondering if there are drugs involved?

Also the lad you still love, did you break it off with him by any chance are you now punishing yourself?

You know you have to stop this don't you. Not because of what others think but because it's hurting yourself.

If drugs are playing a part, think about whether it's worth it. If I got that wrong please disregard it.

Ickle Magoo

DamagedGoods wrote: »

I drink heavily and I make myself available to men in a way that repulses me.

This bit jumped out at me as being anything but a fun-time girl sowing her wild oats and more about hurt and anger. It's one thing knowingly being promiscuous and enjoying the sex without it affecting your self-esteem or self-worth but that doesn't sound like that is what you are doing.

I think you should take a step back and work out what your motivation really is.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

op just wondering if there are drugs involved?

Also the lad you still love, did you break it off with him by any chance are you now punishing yourself?

You know you have to stop this don't you. Not because of what others think but because it's hurting yourself.

If drugs are playing a part, think about whether it's worth it. If I got that wrong please disregard it.

Hi thx for all the replies.

I used to take drugs years ago but have stopped. In truth though my behaviour seems to have regressed back to the height of my drug-taking days. It's like ihave a selfdestruct button that I hit at various stages in my life.

The worst thing about all this behaviour is that it's all so secret. I'm always being asked out and as I said before none of my friends would believe if any of this stuff came to light. It's like I lead a double life.

Yeah I ended things with my ex. It was years ago and we are friends now but I would do anything for another shot.

Spirited54321

DamagedGoods wrote: »

I feel really sad and really miserable.

HI OP, hope your okay. I note your original post doesn't specifically pose any questions, rather you seem to be upset and getting this off your chest.

Look I have done things I regret, and maybe I will in the future. But IMO you are at a place where eveyone (including myself) who has done things that afterwards they feel regret or messed up about can be.

I think you know you want more for youself. It all sums it up in the last line of your post.. 'I feel really sad and really miserable', the thrills are thrills, but they are short term highs and overall , in every day life your are feeing low. I think you know you need to change your behaviour if it makes you feel like this, and maybe question what is going on at a deeper level, which is obviously hard in itself.

Best of luck, and chin up

LegacyUser

Thanks so much to everyone who replied.

I don't know why I feel so devastated. Maybe it's the fact I spent yet another new years with all my couple friends.

I don't know what it is with me and sex. It's like I see some romance unfolding and a light goes off in my head to purposely annihilate it and this cold detached porn star appears.

The rest of the time I'm regarded as a warm, kind, caring person. It's like I save that privilege for my friends but not myself.

The crap thing is I recognise the selfdestruct pattern from one I had years ago. I suspect I have just given up any optimism attitude toward finding someone and decided to make it completely impossible to even be hopeful.

Cheap Thrills!

Damagedgoods wrote: »

Hi thx for all the replies.

I used to take drugs years ago but have stopped. In truth though my behaviour seems to have regressed back to the height of my drug-taking days. It's like ihave a selfdestruct button that I hit at various stages in my life.

Well dont beat yourself up too much OP. Many people go through this stuff. They also keep it to themselves. The last people you would expext too.

The self sabotage and self destruct tendancies. I would guess that might stem from some self esteem issues. Have you thought about maybe seeking some counselling to tease all that out...

Damagedgoods wrote: »

The worst thing about all this behaviour is that it's all so secret. I'm always being asked out and as I said before none of my friends would believe if any of this stuff came to light. It's like I lead a double life.

In a way it's good that it's secret. You don't want people knowing your business, especially when you are at a weak point in your life. However while it's good to protect yourself and your reputation you do have to disclose it to someone and I think a professional is the most trustworthy. Friends are too risky.

The double life thing. I understand what you mean. I think some people are just like that, they can compartmentalise things. It's a coping strategy.

Damagedgoods wrote: »

Yeah I ended things with my ex. It was years ago and we are friends now but I would do anything for another shot.

You are friends now. That is good. Is he attached, how much does he know about the other stuff?

If he saw you straighten up without anyone prompting you he might just look at you with new eyes.

Spirited54321

Be hopeful, if you are regarded as a warm, kind, caring person, than you are. Of course your not flawless and believe me I have messed up numerous times, but as above poster said don't beat yourself up too much. be pro-active, i know easier said then done, but even coming on here writing this tonight is something therapeutic for you and taking a step.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

DamagedGoods wrote: »

I was on date last week with friend of friend, all going great, very promising, he told me he was falling for me and thought we should take things slow. I insisted otherwise and we went back to his and had really ****edup sex. He wanted see me tonight but I
have completely gone off him.

Hi OP,

This bit jumped out at me- You say no guys want you, yet this guy said he was falling for you and wanted to see you after the sex, yet you had gone off him- Do you think that was because he'd shown an interest?

In any case, I would definitely echo the other posters here who have recommended counselling. Don't forget you seem to have loads going for you, and counselling would help the self destructive patterns.

Best of luck OP

Emme

Damagedgoods wrote: »

I don't know what it is with me and sex. It's like I see some romance unfolding and a light goes off in my head to purposely annihilate it and this cold detached porn star appears.

Sometimes people who behave this way have been sexually assaulted in the past or aren't at ease with their sexuality. I'm not saying this is you OP, but maybe you need some counselling to get over any residual issues you have from the past such as drugs even if you don't use them now.

Damagedgoods wrote: »

The rest of the time I'm regarded as a warm, kind, caring person. It's like I save that privilege for my friends but not myself.

You don't seem to save that privilege for men either. Do you have any men who are genuinely friends that you treat well?

Damagedgoods wrote: »

The crap thing is I recognise the selfdestruct pattern from one I had years ago.

Maybe counselling now will help you get to the bottom of why you behave the way you do. You have to address the selfdestructiveness and don't let it go on much longer.

Damagedgoods wrote: »

I suspect I have just given up any optimism attitude toward finding someone and decided to make it completely impossible to even be hopeful.

You are relatively young, in your early 30s. Why shouldn't you find someone? Why do you act like you're not worthy of being treated well?

What about the romantic guy who wanted to take things slowly? Believe me, these guys don't come along very often, and they get more rare the older you get. If you don't address your self-destructive patterns now you WILL find yourself alone when you're older and it will be much harder to find somebody who's romantically interested in you then. Get help.

LegacyUser

op, i am currently reading a book 'Women who loved too much'.

maybe it's good for you to read it.

At first, i did not think this is a book for me 'cos cases in the book are not the same as mine, but then i read and i learned a lot from it. Go buy it and read.

Also counselling would do you good.

Stop bedding men for awhile if you can, you know it's damaging you.

Chheers

dudara

You probably need to lay off the alcohol for a bit. Alcohol alters your mood and may make you more susceptible to this self-punishing behaviour.

This isn't the fix-it-all solution, but it may help you clear your head and avoid this spiral for a while, thus giving you a chance.

LegacyUser

The thing is nice romantic guys DO come along very often, I can think off the top of my head of three over the last year who I really liked, told me they were crazy about me an then tried to slow down physical
side insisting we should wait, it should be special. It's not even just that we have sex, it's the throwaway comments in the bedroom seemingly innocuous but designed to push them away like "I'm really not cut out for relationships, I always cheat" or casually mention I've a date the following night.

Yes I've got lots of guy friends who the lines would never get blurred with.

I've even done three years therapy and looked at all his behaviour from my early 20s. I think that's why I'm feeling so disappointed with myself because I know that for whatever reason I am purposely ****ing things up for myself.

Writing this thread has really helped tbh. It's starting to dawn on me that despite pressure from all sides to settle down I just don't want distraction of a man at present. There is a lot of other stuff going on in my life that I'm very focused on and excited about but it has thrown a lot of upheaval into my life.

I'm gonna take the advice here, lay off the booze and absolutely no
casual encounters with men. If someone comes along in the form of a friend which then becomes a romantic interest then great. If not, well that's the way it goes.

Emme

OK, OP, it's up to you. But from the viewpoint of somebody in the late 30s, I passed up the romances in my early 30s because I was studying. When I qualified the romantic opportunities had all but dried up and I was barely 35! I'm 38 now and from my experience and observation there are few romantic options for women once they get past 35. Most guys want one night stands or FBuddy arrangements with women over 35 and that's it, if they want a relationship they'll go for somebody younger and that applies to guys in their 40s and early 50s as well as guys in their late 30s.

So if don't want to be alone you need to get this sorted in your head. I'm not putting pressure on you to settle down, but the opportunities won't always be so plentiful and it's best to take them when the options are there and they're fairly good. The best guys get snapped up quickly. Also, as guys get older their options improve (more women to choose from) whereas for women the opposite happens. But you've got to get yourself sorted first.

If you don't mind being single forever that's fine, but it would be tragic for you to finally get your head sorted around 36 or 37 and find that there's nobody out there who wants a romantic relationship when you had so many opportunities before but weren't able to take them up.

Good luck.

Katgurl

. Wrong thread

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Your message struck a cord with me as I know I'm prone to the same self-destructive behaviour at times myself (and it usually always follows a break-up or tragedy). I'm okay at the minute but I do understand your pain.

The first thing I think to say is you are okay - what you are going through is normal and part of being a human being. There is no actually no real need to feel guilty about it.. everyone you see on the street, every friend you have has a 'shadow side'.. And if they don't, well chance are they could be a bit boring! I'm not saying everyone does the same things but just that we all have different sides of our personality that different scenarios take out. However if you are feeling bad about your behaviour then you have to change it for your own mental well-being..

You are obviously a well-liked individual and very smart as your head can see what's going on - you're just in a bit of a limbo in trying to stop this behaviour.. Drink is a depressant unfortunately and I'd say there are plenty feeling low this week after the excesses of the last few weeks. You sound though like you are reaching a point where you know you have to stop this behaviour and concentrate on yourself - that is really positive. Only you can really know what to do that's best for you but like other posters here I would recommend kicking the booze for a while (and what better excuse - it is January!) and avoiding men sexually anyhow for the next while.

Taking up a sport or even just going out jogging by yourself could help and would help you feel better too. Therapy is also an idea though to be honest, from my own experience in that there is a lot of divergence in quality of therapy out there and it can be difficult to speak honestly one to one about the sort of issues that hurt the most. But again you know yourself if this is the right thing to do.

If you do meet a guy who seems genuinely interested then you could also try the honest tactic - say you want to go slow as you've a lot going on at the minute and you're sorting a few things out. If a guy is worth his salt I don't think this would put anyone off (also the going slow thing would also add to your attractiveness - not that I think you should do this for this reason!).

Regards to poster emme - I don't think that is very helpful though I appreciate you are just giving your honest opinion. There are plenty of men out there and I don't think all can be tarred with the same brush. Also i don't think OP you need to worry about that at all - you really need to concentrate on yourself and your own peace of mind and happiness so you can live a healthy happy life into the future. And you can do that.

Emme

usermane 79 wrote: »

Regards to poster emme - I don't think that is very helpful though I appreciate you are just giving your honest opinion. There are plenty of men out there and I don't think all can be tarred with the same brush. Also i don't think OP you need to worry about that at all - you really need to concentrate on yourself and your own peace of mind and happiness so you can live a healthy happy life into the future. And you can do that.

Thanks but I'm trying to help the OP. I know not all men can be tarred with the same brush but if the OP helps herself when she's relatively young in a position to attract guys who want a romantic relationship she'll have a better chance of staying on the right road, whereas if she leaves it too late then she might fall back into self-destructive behaviour again, enabled by men who aren't interested in attractive thirty something women beyond a one-night-stand, or worse again, if she meets some guy who turns out to be married. I know it isn't a nice scenario but it's reality. Life isn't "nice".

As for not being helpful, I'm not trying to get at the OP, lord knows I went through a similar phase myself - I think most people do. It's just easier to recover your self-esteem and self-respect when there's more hope of love and support. Thankfully the OP seems to have that right now, she just has to believe she's worth it and embrace it.

The OP said she had counselling for self-destructive behaviour in her 20s and in my opinion the sooner she addresses it this time round the better. If you cut yourself you don't leave a wound to bleed and if the wound gets infected after a while you don't leave it to fester. You sort it ASAP. Likewise with your emotional health. The self-destructive behaviour is a symptom of a deeper trouble, as you said, the OP's shadow side showing itself and bringing something to the her attention. Having a shadow side is nothing to be ashamed of, but if you don't acknowledge it or try to push it down it will manifest itself and the longer you push it down the more it will come back to bite you in the butt.

The idea of taking up jogging or some sport is good.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I actually seem to be following all the advice here already - I'm marathon training, I dance as a hobby and I've been through three hard years of therapy. The only way I can equate what's happening to me at the moment is when a nutrition expert suddenly realises they have been purposefully poisioning their body. I know this stuff is terrible for me, I've just let it sneak back into my life. Like an exjunkie who thinks they can start having occasional hit and before they know it they are back on the gear.

Emme I really get what you're saying but I suppose my view is that until I remember how to respond to romance again I'm better off staying away. There is a guy in work I like and I'd like to see if a friendship might lead to something else. If it did with him or with anyone though it would need to be excruciatingly slow. I think I need desire my view of myself / sex / men and feel wholesome again.

This thread is really helping though, so nice to hear I'm not totally alone in this.

SirDelboy18

"I drink heavily and I make myself available to men in a way that repulses me."

That sums it up. You have De-valued yourself, greatly. With no reason to. Start giving yourself more value by rejecting approaches, being more difficult to get to. Make them work for it, if it comes easy it usually isn't worth as much.

2011, new year, new start. Start right now.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I went through a similar phase to you last year. In January last year I broke up with an ex. I was very upset and depressed about it. Over the next 6 months in order to put this behind me I went off the rails. I went out, partied and had a number of one night stands with different men (7 in all). I had never done anything like it before and I had previously only had 2 partners. In the end I finally realised that I was on a path to self destruction so I saw a counsellor who put me straight. She diagnosed that I had self esteem issues and that I was leaving myself down with my behaviour. I finally resolved to clean up my act in which I did. It sounds OP very similar to what I went through. Be strong and turn over a new leaf for 2011. I have and I have met a very nice man. I could not be more happier.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Thanks but I'm trying to help the OP. I know not all men can be tarred with the same brush but if the OP helps herself when she's relatively young in a position to attract guys who want a romantic relationship she'll have a better chance of staying on the right road, whereas if she leaves it too late then she might fall back into self-destructive behaviour again, enabled by men who aren't interested in attractive thirty something women beyond a one-night-stand, or worse again, if she meets some guy who turns out to be married. I know it isn't a nice scenario but it's reality. Life isn't "nice".

As for not being helpful, I'm not trying to get at the OP, lord knows I went through a similar phase myself - I think most people do. It's just easier to recover your self-esteem and self-respect when there's more hope of love and support. Thankfully the OP seems to have that right now, she just has to believe she's worth it and embrace it.

The OP said she had counselling for self-destructive behaviour in her 20s and in my opinion the sooner she addresses it this time round the better. If you cut yourself you don't leave a wound to bleed and if the wound gets infected after a while you don't leave it to fester. You sort it ASAP. Likewise with your emotional health. The self-destructive behaviour is a symptom of a deeper trouble, as you said, the OP's shadow side showing itself and bringing something to the her attention. Having a shadow side is nothing to be ashamed of, but if you don't acknowledge it or try to push it down it will manifest itself and the longer you push it down the more it will come back to bite you in the butt.

The idea of taking up jogging or some sport is good.

Emme,

Sorry I didn't mean any offence to you - I know you were trying to be helpful and apologies if my post sounded like I was overly critical as it wasn't meant like that. My point was solely that the OP needs to concentrate on herself before she can even think about having a partner. And any time pressure on this isn't good for her because she really has to be ready to be able to accept love properly before having a sustainable relationship. But I do take your point and know you are right also.

LegacyUser

Hi, read your thread and I have genuine empathy for you. I know what it's liked to be locked into a cycle of doing something, then regretting it, then doing the same thing again. The best thing I found was to change the scenery to avoid being in the places where patterns of behaviour had developed. New town = New start. I know this might not be possible but it worked for me.

Out of curiosity what's the story with boyfriend No.1? You said your still in love with him and would like to give it another shot, why not do so?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Just another unreg guest here to let you know that I can totally identify with you. I broke up with my boyfriend when I was 28 and seven years later I still hadn't let any body else into my life. Like wise I told men after sleeping with them that I couldn't see them again because I had a boyfriend at home when I didn't!!! To this day I still don't know why I behaved like that. I'm not a dramatic person so all the (fantastic lol!) one night stands were completely hush hush. Not even my best friends knew what I was doing. I reckon I just had a massive guard up and was afraid to admit it. This was all happening while my friends were settling down, getting engaged, getting married and having children. It shouldn't matter but I didn't want to tell them that I was moving from one guy to the next and that none of the men were interested in me long term. ( while another friend would tell me all about her the new diamond necklace her boyfriend had bought her). I wasn't jealous but I did feel there was something wrong with me for a very long time.

Anyhow two years ago I started running, doing yoga, travelling, language classes, reading more .....all for myself. I stayed in regular contact with my friends (a lot of them were marrying or getting married so that was hard, even though I would never have admitted it) but I began meeting people from my new hobbies, of all ages and backgrounds. It was really good for my confidence and I began to realise that people just like me for me and my company. I toned down on the alcohol. I was just happy being me and counting up all my little personal achievements.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You're not hurting anybody so don't feel guilty. I also don't agree with the poster who is telling you to watch out as the man pool gets smaller once you hit 35!!! Life is not about being a girlfriend or a wife. People who talk like that make me feel depressed for them. There are a million things you can do in life and still feel wonder and love every day with or without a partner. And despite what anybody tells you its never too late to meet somebody who you really connect with.

... I met a wonderful man a few months ago who just accepts me for what I am and I was finally ready to let somebody into my life because I was just happy being me! I'm 36 now and he is 38. ....(and all the adventurous things I did throughout my wild years paid off too because the sex is amazing. ) He says he loves my quiet confidence and independence as well as my ability to just fit in anywhere. I wouldn't change the whole challenging learning curve that it took to get me to be this place. My boyfriend is a bonus but not the be all and end all. An unhappy person is unhappy whether they're in a relationship or not.

Don't panic OP. You will be alright. You're just finding yourself.....You probably didn't expect life to turn out this way. But thats ok......I know its such a cliche but it will make you stronger. you're on the right track taking up running ....there's a huge buzz to reaching your goals in running. I found yoga also helped me to be more positive about myself.

I hope you're feeling better knowing that you're most definitely not alone.

xxx

fungun

Id kinda agree with the last poster. You are not hurting anyone else so dont feel guilty about it.
Also am not sure from your posts whether you actually dislike the sex, or just feel bad/guilty about it afterwards...maybe from childhood/Catholic feelings of what you should be like.

Might be worth figuring this out for yourself.

Ur nor damaged goods!

Ur nor damaged goods! wrote: »

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You're not hurting anybody so don't feel guilty. I also don't agree with the poster who is telling you to watch out as the man pool gets smaller once you hit 35!!! Life is not about being a girlfriend or a wife. People who talk like that make me feel depressed for them. There are a million things you can do in life and still feel wonder and love every day with or without a partner. And despite what anybody tells you its never too late to meet somebody who you really connect with.

Unfortunately, a lot of people do seem do get burned by that. As in, when you're an attractive girl in your twenties, you get a lot of attention and it's easy to take it for granted, push people away thinking there will be plenty more men. A good friend of mine used to do that, she admits now that she got a kick out of all the different guys chasing her and telling them she didn't want anything serious. Now, she's 34 and wants to settle down and guess what? She gets almost no attention anymore. The people she used to mess around with have moved on and are married with kids. She is very regretful now that she dismissed so many lovely guys, as she'd love to have kids but has yet to find anyone. It sounds crazy but it happens.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this is allowed - sorry mods if not.

I'm not really asking any direct questions but wanted to give an update.

Writing the original thread was hard because I hadn't admitted to myself before that or even realised I wasn't happy with my situation.

I took all the advice on board and I also sat down and thought about what I wanted. I want to be with someone who likes me for all of me, my entire personality.

In the meantime I met a guy, well I'd already met him and liked him but decided give some signals. We've been dating and kissing and I'm crazy about him and he really does seem a lovely guy.

Of course for the first time in my life I'm nervous about prospect of having sex. (But nervous in a good way). Of course everyone is lecturing me about how to play it, when to give it up etc etc and for the first time in my life I don't care, I'm just gonna let things develop in a way that feels right.

It's early days with this guy and I don't wanna imply that he's the main triumph - what I'm thrilled about is the change in my own attitude.

So a big thank you to all for the well thought out and helpful replies.

Partizan

Damagedgoods wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this is allowed - sorry mods if not.

I'm not really asking any direct questions but wanted to give an update.

Writing the original thread was hard because I hadn't admitted to myself before that or even realised I wasn't happy with my situation.

I took all the advice on board and I also sat down and thought about what I wanted. I want to be with someone who likes me for all of me, my entire personality.

In the meantime I met a guy, well I'd already met him and liked him but decided give some signals. We've been dating and kissing and I'm crazy about him and he really does seem a lovely guy.

Of course for the first time in my life I'm nervous about prospect of having sex. (But nervous in a good way). Of course everyone is lecturing me about how to play it, when to give it up etc etc and for the first time in my life I don't care, I'm just gonna let things develop in a way that feels right.

It's early days with this guy and I don't wanna imply that he's the main triumph - what I'm thrilled about is the change in my own attitude.

So a big thank you to all for the well thought out and helpful replies.

You'll be grand OP, just relax and go with the flow. One thing though, dont tell you new man about shagging all those different blokes in the last 2 years. It is in the past and it should be left there.

johnr1

Partizan wrote: »

You'll be grand OP, just relax and go with the flow. One thing though, dont tell you new man about shagging all those different blokes in the last 2 years. It is in the past and it should be left there.

+1million.... not ever. He doesent need to know you're not trying all these wonderful new things out for the first time with him. No matter how open or emancipated he may be, it will bite him sometimes.
Best of luck, enjoyed hearing of your newfound hopefulness.. its all any of us have.

Wagon

Have to just support in how important it is to never ever tell him about your past. You might have a romantic notion that he will just accept you for who you are. And he will, but he doesn't need to know who you were. I have to stress this because it's what ended a relationship for me recently. Never ever tell. Ever. It bears no relevance.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies.

You can all relax, i'd no intention of telling him anything, it hadn't even occurred to me. Why would I? I've nothing to apologize for or confess to anyone. If I thought he was the kind of guy who would judge me then he wouldn't be a guy that I'd be interested in anyway, but i've no intention of wrecking his head just to prove myself right. He's lovely, he likes me, I like him. I dont' need him feeling insecure or doubtful about my ability to be faithful.

I don't agree with whoever said its not who i am, the past made up who I am now and led me to the decisions I make today about how I want to live my life.

There were some really long and personal replies to my original thread. I appreciate the effort and read them many times over the last few weeks.

kerryman12

damagedgoods wrote: »

the past made up who I am now and led me to the decisions I make today about how I want to live my life.

Words to live ones life by I reckon.

Everyone deserves a shot at happiness.

Best of luck

Partizan

OP, have you had a STI check?

LegacyUser

Partizan wrote: »

OP, have you had a STI check?

Of course. I've done so every year since I became active. Full bill of health. I always play safe anyway, well as safe as protection allows.

Peanut2011

Sorry OP, but I have a different view. If I was ever in the position your OH would be I would want to know your past. And if I chose to stay with you that there would be nothing to interfere.

However, if I never knew anything about your past (obviously I would not expect you to just come out and say it, but if I asked) and found out one day, that would be it, for me.

Don't want to insult you and everyone has the right to live their life the way they want to, however in my eyes there would be no way that relationship could continue.

Now consider if he is like that. Do you know something like that would bother him? Has he ever asked?? If you know it does, than the relationship is based on a lie and is doomed to fail.

If it does not bother him than all well and good and I wish you two all the happiness.

LegacyUser

Peanut2011 wrote: »

Sorry OP, but I have a different view. If I was ever in the position your OH would be I would want to know your past. And if I chose to stay with you that there would be nothing to interfere.

However, if I never knew anything about your past (obviously I would not expect you to just come out and say it, but if I asked) and found out one day, that would be it, for me.

Don't want to insult you and everyone has the right to live their life the way they want to, however in my eyes there would be no way that relationship could continue.

Now consider if he is like that. Do you know something like that would bother him? Has he ever asked?? If you know it does, than the relationship is based on a lie and is doomed to fail.

If it does not bother him than all well and good and I wish you two all the happiness.

well if I was with someone who demanded details I'd be saying goodbye to him. I'd have no problem saying I'd had a number of encounters of various lengths but beyond that it's my business. I wouldn't be giving every detail of why my two previous relationships ended either.

I'm a very trustworthy loyal girlfriend but that doesn't equate to providing an access all areas pass to my previous life experiences.

If that's a dealbreaker well then I guess he's not the guy for me.

LegacyUser

Hi, I forgot this forum was for advice and not updates on how things have progressed or thank yous.

I am happy with everything now and not looking for advice from posters on what to tell or not tell my new boyfriend, I'm confident things will work out whichever way they are supposed to.

Thanks again everyone and mods perhaps you could lock the thread now.