How to overcome constant reassurance from GF?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

I have been seeing a great girl for a few months now. all going well, been out with all of her mates practically and even met her folks. she has spoke about events we can go to with each other 6 months down the line as well for example. My problem is I feel like i need constant assurances from her that she likes me. Small things like tonight we spoke on the phone and she suggested we head out to the cinema on thursday and maybe a drink in town after. All good but the text she sent me earlier didnt have an "x" at the end which for some reason is bothering me!! I'm a confident guy, quite active as well doing my own thing and I have a lot of friends, dont know why I feel like this with this girl. Anyone have any advice on how to get over this?

LegacyUser

I feel like this too op! In my case though I think it has to do with past relationship failures. I was cheated on by a girlfriend of 6 years, and later fell for someone who neglected to tell me she had a bf, so nothing happened. I think I'm now afraid to just go with the flow in case I get messed up again, maybe your issue could be something similar?
Even lately I've been chatting to a girl I really fancy, hooked up with her on new years, had a bit of a fumble and fun. All the signs from her, looking from an external point of view, are good- yet I can't stop analysing and criticising all my actions around her, or getting anxious when she doesn't reply to texts or the like!
I don't know what advice to give you, but I hope others can, and I might borrow from them too!

Professional Griefer

Jokingly ask ''do you want to break up?'', or something like that, but don't be all serious about it(obviously:p), which is why its easier to say on the phone or in person, as opposed to doing so by text.

Used to do that, worked out, put my mind to rest.

Dunno if it'll work for you, hopefully it will!

Sanjuro

No offense to the previous poster, but that idea is madness. I cant see the benefit of jokingly asking someone if they want to break up as a method of reassurance. It seems more like the first step down a path you really don't want to go down.

OP, constant reassurance is not going to help you. It's just going to make you more and more needy of reassurance. This girl likes you. You seem to have a good thing going with her. But she cant make you feel secure all the time. There comes a point where you're going to have to take charge of your own insecurities. She's given you no reason to doubt the relationship (from what you've described). Just tell yourself, whenever you get niggling doubts, 'this is just me, it's irrational thought. I'm taking control of these doubts and not letting them get the better of me.' Only by taking ownership of these insecurities will you get past them.

And don't mind things like not putting an x at the end of a message. Sure, it's a nice thing to get! But not getting one once in a while isn't bad news. It's just lazy texting!

Professional Griefer

Sanjuro wrote: »

No offense to the previous poster, but that idea is madness. I cant see the benefit of jokingly asking someone if they want to break up as a method of reassurance. It seems more like the first step down a path you really don't want to go down.

OP, constant reassurance is not going to help you. It's just going to make you more and more needy of reassurance. This girl likes you. You seem to have a good thing going with her. But she cant make you feel secure all the time. There comes a point where you're going to have to take charge of your own insecurities. She's given you no reason to doubt the relationship (from what you've described). Just tell yourself, whenever you get niggling doubts, 'this is just me, it's irrational thought. I'm taking control of these doubts and not letting them get the better of me.' Only by taking ownership of these insecurities will you get past them.

And don't mind things like not putting an x at the end of a message. Sure, it's a nice thing to get! But not getting one once in a while isn't bad news. It's just lazy texting!

Ah none taken.
Might have just been me, went out with a girl for the bones of 3 years and used to do that, got on really well with her so I guess it worked for me, probably(more than likely:p) not the best thing to do at all.

Back to the ops question again, I would try to not worry about it, especially considering she has made plans for Thursday night with you, instead of nothing. Just the 2 of ye, seems all good man.

And, I wish you all the best with it.

Brown Eyed Girl 2011

Ix Deadmau5 wrote: »

Jokingly ask ''do you want to break up?'', or something like that, but don't be all serious about it(obviously:p), which is why its easier to say on the phone or in person, as opposed to doing so by text.

Used to do that, worked out, put my mind to rest.

Dunno if it'll work for you, hopefully it will!

Eeek, with respect, if that was said to me, I would see that as either a thinly veiled attempt to break up with me or an attempt on the other persons behalf to gain the balance of power. In short, don't do that OP!

OP, you're just gonna have to get yourself out of the habit. Not sure how, but try and look at the bigger picture- met her friends, her parents and talk of future activities- organising cinema and drinks on Thursday. This girl likes you.

Now, the lack of x at the end of a text, you know what its like when you're firing off a text and you're busy, tired, rushing, whatever.

Seriously, think of the bigger picture everytime you find yourself worrying, otherwise you will drive yourself doolally sweating the small stuff!

Take care, OP

Taltos

I am with Sanjuro and BEG2011 here.
From what you have described this is all about you and nothing about her.
There can be so many causes of this kind of attention seeking - one being your own self-esteem... Do you not feel good enough for this girl???

You really do have to nip this in the bud.
Just for a moment put yourself in her position and imagine you constantly looking for that extra bit of affection... Bloody exhausting and eventually boring - I do not mean to insult you here - but no-one likes being followed around by a whiney puppy - and that is how you will come across.

So - take a step back, a deep breath and promise yourself that you will not be that person. If you really want you can let her know that you are like this but that you are trying to change. However - it is NOT her job to help you change - only you can do this. Do some of the exercises Sanjuro mentioned above - you need to get in the habit of positive re-inforcement so that when these thoughts start to rise which will lead to the death of your relationship - your mind automatically kicks in with a different way of looking at it.

So - instead of feeling so anxious that she didn't send you and x - smile and think that she must be storing them up for you in person... We all have our off days and sometimes a text is just a text - makes the lovey ones all the more sweet...

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for all your replies. No self esteem issues or been bured badly in past relationships. As I said I am normally quite confident. A friend thinks that because I really like thsi girl I'm afraid now of losing her which is making me act this way.

Thanks for all the advice above, I know I'm going to just have to relax a bit about it and not over analyse or think about things too much.

Sanjuro

Sure we all worry about losing people we really like! But the ironic thing of working really hard to keep them is that sometimes that can push them away. Try not to focus on the negative aspect of being with someone (ie: losing them) and instead focus on things you can do to show you care. Even the little things like opening a door for em. It may seem silly reading that, but I believe it makes a difference. Focus on the positive, and you'll get positive results!

dudara

Bizarrely - I'd prefer to go out with someone who didn't put an "x" at the end of a text. I find that quite offputting.

So you see, different strokes for different folks. What's really important is what she does. Her actions seem to indicate she really likes you and your relationship. So this seems to indicate that you need to get a grip on your insecurities.

Wompa1

Is this possibly your first "serious" relationship? First time meeting her folks? Have you been in a loving relationship before where your partner was planning things down the line?

Maybe if it's new to you it's just an adjustment that's making you overanalyse things because you love her?

LegacyUser

Hey,

No its not my first serious relationship, 2 previous to this, been a good 3 years though since my last so maybe thats it.

yes love did cross my mind although only been a few months so thought it was too soon to be thinking that!

I'd be more physical affection or letting her know I like her where as her way of showing it would be getting me to meet her friends, parents and planning future events. Last 2 serious relationships I had they talked about their feelings more so maybe its an adjustment I have to make myself.

Wompa1

I'd go out on a limb and say you love her.

Timing doesn't really matter have been with girls for much longer than that and didn't feel it and have been with a couple of girls much, much shorter and felt it.

Maybe no harm pulling back if your not sure about the relationship though...up to you OP!

[-0-]

I'd say you love her too... I've fallen in love with my current girlfriend and it's only been a couple of months. It happens!

LegacyUser

Feck I may well love her so, thats going to make things worse for me and my over thinking until I know she loves me back!

Ah sure we'll see how it pans out, emailed her earlier a funny link she was speaking about last week, no reply back from her but Im not going to let it bother me, I know she will eventually get back!

[-0-]

constantreassurance wrote: »

Feck I may well love her so, thats going to make things worse for me and my over thinking until I know she loves me back!

Ah sure we'll see how it pans out, emailed her earlier a funny link she was speaking about last week, no reply back from her but Im not going to let it bother me, I know she will eventually get back!

Try to relax if you can, and take it easy. I waited until the moment was right to tell my girlfriend I loved her (and until I was sure she did too). You'll be able to tell when she does... she'll get a look in her eye, they always do!

It's perfectly normal to be over thinking a late reply - trust me. Just try not to be one of those boyfriends who needs to check in on his girlfriend the whole time. I've been with girls who had ex boyfriends like that... they were constantly texting me and all that, because they were just so used to doing it when they were going out with a psycho. When you're over thinking things it's important to take a step back, a deep breath, and relax.

My gf is back home until next week, and she usually sends me a mail on facebook like twice a day... and I had not heard from her in about a day and a half. While this was odd, I did not reach out to her to see what was up because I knew that she's at home, seeing people she hasn't seen in months, and will be back here next week. I wanted to give her space. She mailed me this evening apologising for the lack of communication and explained that herself and her mother have a nasty bug, and have been puking for the last day or so. Now imagine if I had sent a few mails asking if she was OK, where she was, etc.

Relax and go with the flow my man, and see where it takes you.

All the best!

SirDelboy18

I agree with the last poster, theres no need for getting so bothered. It could well come off as bad or off-putting. You can't act like its the be all and end all if she replies to a link, because you have other people to hang out with, other things to do.

At the end of the day, or whenever you see her, whats comforting is being able to talk about what each of ye did, so don't negatively obsess over a good thing. Ye have a good relationship, and over analysing things always leads to doubt. So just don't do it.

Best of luck, stop looking to her for constant support, you should be the one giving it if ever it is needed!

LegacyUser

OP here, cheers for all the replies, nice to hear other people going through the same thing as well as being told from outside sources I need to calm down. I got an email or two from her earlier, no "x" at the end but bloody hell I cant let little things like that bother me, it was all grand coming from her. Just keep having to tell myself that as well until I stop worrying about it. Will cool off emailing her until she drops me a mail about Thursday, dont want to have nothing to talk about when I do see her!

As far as telling her I love her, no defo wont be doing that yet. I dont believe in time limits or anything but i know she isnt there yet so no need to scare her off.

Thanks again for all the replies, here's hoping I wont start another thread in a few weeks saying "I hate women, I just got dumped" or something :P

LegacyUser

Just got a text from her with an "x" at the end. LOl what a difference one bloody letter can make!

Right I'll ask to close this thread, thanks again for the replies.

Ickle Magoo

Do you want the thread closed OP? Just shout if you do.

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here, yep you may as well close it now cheers.