Still not over Boyfriend

LegacyUser

Well where to start. I met my ex boyfriend nearly 3 years ago. We were both at college and neither of us had been in a proper relationship before. We started dating and the relationship quickly developed. We went through a lot together, coming out to friends and family and learning about love and what its like to be in a relationship.

Of course things weren't perfect and we did have some bad times but over all the relationship was manly one of joy and love. A year and a half later I had to move to the UK for college in order to get a job. Something I had planed on and which my ex knew about form the start.

It was difficult to leave him because we were so in love but he had planned on moving over too, to try and find work so we said we'd do the whole long distance thing. However being apart and the whole jealousy factor which had played a part previously in our relationship, got too much and we ended up breaking up. He also got a job back home which I encouraged him to take especially the way the economy had gone. I also knew that i had to stay at least another year in the UK if not longer before I could come home so it didn't seem practical to continue the relationship. Also the stress of being in different countries put a real strain on things and caused a lot of arguments (most of them my fault and due to my own insecurities)

I went through the usual post break up agnst in the months after, especially when I discovered he had quickly moved on and was seeing another guy. I found this really hard to take as even though I knew we had broken up I always hoped we would get back together at some point. I went on a good few dates to try and move on and meet people but every time I did i just kept comparing them to my ex and the thing is they could never compare. I would admit that i am a picky person but its only now that were not together that I realise how perfect my ex was for me. He is everything that I am looking for.

Its almost a year later and I still haven't moved on, I cant. Everything reminds me of him and even if i'm doing something new I always think to myself this would be so much better if he was around. Its got to the stage that i've given up looking for anyone else. Im fed up with the scene and guys just looking for one night stands. All I want is my ex and that loving relationship we once had. He is now very serious with his new partner and has told me that we will never get back together again, and even though I know this I still cant move on. I go to bed thinking bout him every night and wake up thinking about him every morning.

I know this is a really long post (my apologies) and I know if you have read this far your thinking and you point is.... I guess I'd just like to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and if so how did u move on? I recon if I was straight it would be some what easier to move on simply because there is more choice out there. I feel I am limited with the choice of guys out there and am becoming more and more disheartened with the gay life style.

Cheers for reading and any advice you can give is greatly appreciated.

Doop

Well theres not alot anyone can say, which will 'fix' this for you. But i just wanted to come at it from a slightly different angle.

Your relationship sounds great, and should try to be happy for the good times you had together. Having never had a proper long term relationship myself, im a little jealous!
Better to have loved and lost then ........

lionchild

sounds cliché blady blah blah...but just get on out there and you'll meet someone new....even better. don't go looking for it either, it'll happen when it happens....now get out there on the dance floor next saturday and move to the beat!!!:pac:

flashhill

One of my friends was in a great relationship but his boyfriend had to move over seas for work. He said it was like bereavement as they were so happy together and then it just ended. He is still getting over it sum years later!

LegacyUser

OP, sorry to hear your story, I can imagine how hard this must be for you.

I'm experiencing something similar but different in that I just got (what I think is) my dream job in London and I also have to leave in a few months. I can empathise with your situation because I have to leave my friends, one friend in particular. He is straight, I'm gay so I had to accept we would only ever be friends. We have been through so much together and since I have accepted the position I have had sleepless nights thinking about leaving. It actually hurts!

He has a gf now and they are great together. This was initially quite hard for me but I realised that nothing would take the good memories away from me. I really care for him so I am genuinely happy for his happiness, although I can't be as much of a part of it as I might like. It does hurt but I have just been dealing with it day to day and trying to distance myself from him, find new friends and diversify my social circle. The times we do get to meet up are as good as ever, if not better.

My advice to you would be to read this link, try and be happy for him, appreciate the good times and memories you have and move on. It will get easier, although it probably doesn't seem like it now. You can help yourself by trying to get out there and having some fun.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the support guys. Flashhill hit the nail on the head there, it really is like a bereavement only id argue that it's nearly worse because you don't have that sense of closer. I live in hope thinking we might one day get back together but I know from what he said that will probably never happen.

And its not a case that i'm not going out, i've been out loads since we broke up but I think thats also playing a part in getting me down because i'm so fed up with the whole scene. Living in London you might think that oh you have it all at your feet but its all about one night stands over here and near impossible to meet a sound decent down to earth lad. Which only reminds me more of how good I had it with my ex. Its like a vicious circle.

wayfarers

Perhaps the problem in part is you don't want to move on and are genuinely pining for him. There is very little advice anyone can offer, the majority of us have been in that position and the only solution is to actually meet someone or anyone to take your mind off your ex. I think the one consolation you can take is that though it may feel like a bereavement it thankfully isn't, he's still alive, he's happy and there's no reason why you shouldn't be. I think coming out to family and friends while you were with him was a huge step to take, it was the beginning of a relationship, and if you're strong enough to come out in IRELAND...then you sound like a pretty strong guy and you need to use the strength you had then for now.

LegacyUser

Hey, this is my first time posting on this site! I came on just for a nose around the topics, but when I read your one, I was thinking 'I can relate to that'. My scenario is different, but at the end of it all I still compared new guys I met to a guy from the past. I can tell ya this, it takes time. Surrounding yourself with friends who you have no romantic connections can be good, it takes your mind off things for a while! I know this might sound insane (but because anonymity is guarenteed here, I reckon I'm osafe) positively assuring yourself that you're gonna be fine, and things will work themselves out helps. Factualise things... he is in a relationship - you cannt have it! End of! I know it's blunt though! I've found fairly difficult to go out and neet someone nice (as nice as that guy) someone who I used to get on really well with. It's hard when you're out on the scene! You kinda half expect to meet the right guy, get his life history and have the same comforts as you had with the other guy... all in the space of one night, which I realised wasnt doing me any good! Learn to expect the unexpected! Just say to yourself before going out 'Look, I'm going out tonight, I know I may not meet someone like him, but who know's who I'll meet, or what conenctions I will make tonight...' It gets easier, you fall sometimes, and you get a bit down, but you get up again eventually and you fight back! So when you're down, just knwo that you are gonna get back up again! Now, I've spun some insane yarn here, it's probably mostly bull, and very badly worded, but it's 1am and I'm pretty bate! Thsi may sound a lilttle inappropriate, but it's good to knwo that there's someone else in the same boat!!

wallis27

Hey, this is my first time posting on this site! I came on just for a nose around the topics, but when I read your one, I was thinking 'I can relate to that'. My scenario is different, but at the end of it all I still compared new guys I met to a guy from the past. I can tell ya this, it takes time. Surrounding yourself with friends who you have no romantic connections can be good, it takes your mind off things for a while, gets you back to feeling some bit normal! I know this might sound insane (but because anonymity is guarenteed here, I reckon I'm osafe) positively assuring yourself that you're gonna be fine, and things will work themselves out helps. Factualise things... he is in a relationship - you can't have it! End of! I know it's blunt though! I've found fairly difficult to go out and neet someone nice (as nice as that guy) someone who I used to get on really well with. It's hard when you're out on the scene! You kinda half expect to meet the right guy, get his life history and have the same comforts as you had with the other guy... all in the space of one night, which isnt a great expectation!! Learn to expect the unexpected! Just say to yourself before going out 'Look, I'm going out tonight, I know I may not meet someone like him, but who know's who I'll meet, or what connections I will make tonight...' The whole this gets easier, you fall sometimes, and you get a bit down, but you get up again eventually and you fight back! So when you're down, just know that you are gonna get back up again! Now, I've spun some insane yarn here, it's probably mostly bull, and very badly worded, but it's 1am and I'm pretty bate! Thsi may sound a lilttle inappropriate, but it's good to know that there's someone else in the same boat!!

Jay89

I think alot of us knwow what yu mean! Again I have been in a similar situation where I always compared any other men to my ex!! its been nearly 4 years but it does get easier! I was also told by my ex about a year and a half ago that he didnt love me any more and that really hurt but I needed t hear it and it has helped me make myself move on! Still have my bad days but not very many now!! although like you I am also sick of the men on the scene but I havent given up! Just think positive.

SparkyTech

Sorry to hear of your break up OP. Try the little things to keep your spirits up, Reading a book, jamming on the iPod or forcing myself to watch a DVD boxset/go for nice walk on the pier usually helps me when I'm in a bad place. Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved. Take care of yourself

rosy barb

I can definitely empathise with you- split up with bf last year. Everyone handles these things differently but I know I found this book really helpful- bought it on amazon and was the best €10 I ever spent.
Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

Susan J. Elliott JD MEd (Author)

LegacyUser

Hi Op.

Again I can empathise with your situation, I broke up with my fella last year and have since had to move on. It's hard even after a long time but slowy but surely it gets better. Here's a couple of things I did to try move on:

You need to rid yourself of all the things that remind you of him, first step is to put them all in a box and then when your feeling stronger throw away the box.

Next step is to get out and about with friends. nights out, cinema etc. try fill up your time as any free time will allow your mind to wonder. Even if it's once or twice a week, it's a start!

Finally although you say you have gone on dates and they are only interested in one thing, relax when on dates or organising them and be firm in what YOU want. Good things come to those who wait.

Best of luck OP, I still get moments where I think about the ex and wonder what he is up to but I realise now that my life has moved on now and things are getting better slowly but surely.

Keep us updated as i'm sure there a more people reading this with similar situations.

Spark Boy

just to agree with happier lad, they key is to keep yourself active both in body and mind...youve had plenty time to ponder and "grieve", now its YOU and YOU only that can move on...you need to start getting on with your life... you have to be happy with yourself first and formost, NOBODY else is responsible for your hapiness...i would advise to talk up a new sport or activity, meet new people..dating mightnt have been the best when your head was in a different space...as you start to take control of your life (and you think of him less and less), your confidence will grow in yourself and this is what attracts other people. for now you should enjoy YOURSELF...