Sick of being abroad

LegacyUser

This might be a long and rambling one so apologies but I'l try to be coherent. Basically I am a twenty something female who has been living abroad for the last few years. I initially went to work in Spain and study Spanish, and it turned into year after year in various countries. It arose both out of my interest in travel and also out of necessity as there weren't many jobs in my area when I finished college in Ireland. Living abroad has always been my dream but the reality isn't so sweet and I'm finding myself more and more homesick, miserable and bitter. When I first moved abroad I was 21 and full of enthusiasm, loved the new experiences and strange food and foreign language but now these are the things I've begun to hate. I find that every time I go back home, I love it - the people are friendly, I don't need to worry about the language, I have family, friends, familiar places. Each time it gets harder and harder to leave.

Another issue is that I haven't really had the chance to stay in one place for long and the constant moving has worn me right down. Everyone says I'm so lucky and acts like I'm ungrateful if I complain but they dont really understand. It feels like I'm constantly opening bank accounts, buying SIM cards, flathunting, looking for clothes which are light and easily packed and spending all my money on flights. Not to mention having to find a job and set myself up from scratch every time. I do make friends wherever I go but it's always quite fickle and short term because I know (and they know) I'll be gone within 6 months.

Also I just can't fit in anywhere like I can in Ireland. I'm not an ignorant buffoon or anything, I'm well aware of cultural differences, but I just miss the way Irish people talk to each other, the smiles, the friendliness. Here where I live now everyone is so sullen and humourless. It's like they think being polite and pleasant means you're a weak and pathetic person. In fact, I've had people tell me as much. It actually feels like nobody likes me here and nobody gets me. I'm so sick of not being able to be myself (cos I can't express myself well in the local language, and the locals don't understand English well), not being able to make jokes and just have banter. The place is getting on my nerves more and more, even silly things are getting to me like the fact you can smoke in bars (ugh, smoke stink all over clothes and hair) and the supermarkets closed super early every day.

My issue is that when I try to voice these opinions to my parents or friends, they always just act like I'm being a spoiled brat and tell me other people would kill to be in my position. They don't understand how difficult it is to move to a new country, especially several times in a few years. They don't understand the sinking feeling you get when you arrive somewhere and you're completely alone - I always hate the first week, walking around random streets, thinking, if anything happens, I've nobody here to help me. It's not easy. And I resent people thinking it is. Of course living abroad has its good points but for me the negatives are getting too much. I've brought up returning to Ireland and everyone acts like I'm mental. They say there are no jobs because of the recession and that I'll be many times worse off. Perhaps they're right, I'd hate to be on the dole. But I'm not happy here. I feel like I've been forced to emigrate rather than doing it from my own free will, as I did initially. The parents reckon I have an idealised view of Ireland cos I dont live there, and don't see the bad stuff. Perhaps that's true. I do only go home for a few days at a time and it's not normal life, as I'm visiting people, going to parties and things like that. What should I do?

Jenneke87

Ignore what everyone else is saying: What do YOU really want? If you are unhappy, why prolong that by staying a place you don't wanna be. Yes, Ireland is in a recession and it is difficult, but the recession is worldwide and it's difficult everywhere at the moment(albeit in some countries more difficult than others but you get the point)

It sounds like you're done with the travelling, you did want you wanted to do and now want to go home. So if that's what you want, off you go!

jimmycrackcorm

Your biggest problem is the constant moving to new countries. You have never settled anywhere so you only identify with the one place that you were settled before which is home. You could be happy if you committed to staying in one place and establishing long term ties.

LegacyUser

I almost ended up feeling exactly like you do OP. From the years of 1997 to 2002, I was abroad lots, and like you, never really settled anywhere.
I lived in Italy for a few years, and like you, people said I was "mad" to come home.
There are lots of things wrong with Ireland right now, but there are lots of great things about it too.
Maybe you should make a plan. Maybe right now wouldn't be the best time to come home, but if you decide "ok, in 2 years I am going to come back and settle in Ireland", you can plan it, and plan what you want to do, and where you want to do it.
Don't mind what anyone else tells you, do what YOU want to do.
I know the feeling you mention about walking around a new place on your own, just walking the streets. I did it myself.
When I came home, it was also only for a few days at a time, and I felt out of the loop at home as I was out of the gang of friends I used to know, but when I went back to where I was working abroad, I was always out of the loop there, as I never really hung around with many Italians. After 2 years, I began to think if I could do another 2 years of it there, or someone else, but I felt like I was just drifting. I could have done it indefinitely I suppose..
Funny though, now that I have been back in Ireland for years, I still feel like I can't settle. It's almost like I don't want to settle, and it does cause problems for me, I'll admit...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can totally relate. I've not been abroad as long as you, but about six months ago I moved to Canada for a year, landed a great job and am set up pretty well here - I pretty much nose-dived into the dark coming over here so all family and friends back home are thrilled I'm doing so well.

However, I haven't at all adjusted to the cultural and social differences, which are subtle and not immediately apparent, but more and more evident over time. Like you I miss the banter, the friendliness, sense of humour, and general familiarity and 'closeness' we have in Ireland that is apparently quite rare. Everyone fully expects me to get a second year visa and make my situation more long-term, but in truth I'm not sure at all that's what I want. In a sense I feel a huge pressure to stay, ungrateful for wanting to go home and not make the best of this situation and scared about the reality of going home and ending up unemployed...but it's about what makes you happy at the end of the day, isn't it?

Another thing to consider is that when you go abroad you do tend to get a bit sentimental about your home country, especially when you haven't settled or adjusted abroad and that plays a part too. I know that I left Ireland because I was bored with my life there and wanted something more, so it would be rash of me to rush back and end up right in the same situation I was in...I don't want to end up regretting that.

Personally, I don't want to go home until I know that I've given Canada everything and thrown myself 100% into my new environment...something which, if I'm truthful, I definitely haven't done yet. It's sort of hard to when you're so consumed by homesickness and what's going on back home. The clock on my computer is still set to Irish time, for God's sake!

My advice to you would be to follow your heart. But not to the detriment of your head - the reality is that the situation is pretty grim back home job-wise and you need to think about exactly what it means to you. Think about exactly what would happen if you went home, and commit yourself to giving your life abroad 100% for the next few months. Maybe even give yourself a deadline. If nothing changes, you'll know what the right decision is.

Best of luck x

ellie1

What about going home and giving it six months to a year to see if you can be happier at home. ( acknowledge that getting a job etc may be difficult..) Then if after that you realsie you are happier abroad, pick a place where english is the main langauge and go and live there and get a job. Maybe in a place where there is a strong irish community ie canada etc..

killerking

Of course living abroad has its good points but for me the negatives are getting too much. I've brought up returning to Ireland and everyone acts like I'm mental. They say there are no jobs because of the recession and that I'll be many times worse off. Perhaps they're right, I'd hate to be on the dole. But I'm not happy here. I feel like I've been forced to emigrate rather than doing it from my own free will, as I did initially. The parents reckon I have an idealised view of Ireland cos I dont live there, and don't see the bad stuff. Perhaps that's true. I do only go home for a few days at a time and it's not normal life, as I'm visiting people, going to parties and things like that. What should I do?

You would be absolutely crazy to come back to Ireland.
There are NO jobs, the country is run into the ground and is collapsing around our ears.
Do you really want to end up living on 196 euro a week?
Even that miserly amount of money is being cut.
Thousands of people are leaving this godforsaken country because the worst isn't over yet.
You don't want to come back here.
You really don't if you know what is good for you.

FerrisBueller

Hi OP,

Don't worry, I think most people who abroad get these feelings after a while. The novelty of being abroad starts to wear off a bit alright.

I was abroad last year and I have to admit I loved it for the most part, but I really didn't like the moving around, especially after just getting to know people, etc. I didn't have the routine which I could have in Ireland, and bank a/cs, etc were a pain alright!

Now I'm back in Ireland and it's fine, but I know myself I won't stay here forever, I'm itching to get away as it is However, if you are really unhappy, it would be no harm for you to go home and then you can make a decision in the future. How long are you staying in these places? Are you even giving yourself time to get used to a place? Think about that too. Also look up Irish associations in the area, that might help you as well, not even to get to know Irish people, but locals who have an interest in the Irish culture

killerking

killerking wrote: »

You would be absolutely crazy to come back to Ireland.
There are NO jobs, the country is run into the ground and is collapsing around our ears.
Do you really want to end up living on 196 euro a week?
Even that miserly amount of money is being cut.
Thousands of people are leaving this godforsaken country because the worst isn't over yet.
You don't want to come back here.
You really don't if you know what is good for you.

196 euro a week for doing nothing seems pretty sweet to me. That's almost 800 euro a month, and (correct me if I'm wrong) aren't most people also eligible for rent allowance and medical cards? I'm living off just over 900 euro a month for working 40 hours a week and pay my rent and everything out of that. OK, I'm officially an intern but I have friends in Madrid who are making the same money for long hours of teaching and paying similar rent to what you'd pay in Dublin. If we're talking about money, what you get in Ireland is far from miserly. Talk about the grass being greener. Most salaries in Europe are very low. Add to that that people abroad don't have the comfort of friends and family, being able to speak their own language (in some cases), go to the doctor without worrying if you'll understand, the list goes on. It really annoys me the amount of people who think emigrating is a piece of cake. It really bloody isn't. I'm living abroad because I think it's worth it, to have a decent internship on my CV instead of being on the dole, but it's a big sacrifice. Some people might be able to go and live the high life in Dubai or Florida but for most people it's just the daily grind in another country.

I'm not saying Ireland is a good place to live or that it isn't in a state right now. I just think some people look at working abroad through rose tinted glasses, usually people who never do it. I'm sick of hearing 'oh you're so lucky gallavanting around over there'. I'm here posting on Boards because I can't afford to go out for a drink or do anything. I am almost positive that my life would be easier on the dole in Ireland except for that I'd get sick of having nothing to do all the time. Try to see the other side of the coin. I'd never call anyone crazy for returning to Ireland, even in times like these. Leaving your whole life behind isn't to be taken lightly.

R.D. aka MR.D

As some one who has returned from living abroad the grass not being greener works the other way too.

Its great having the food and the craic.

But on the downside, it's totally crap having people complain about totally trivial things and the limited amount of things to do. I'm saving to move again.

So i'd agree with other posters and say, try to settle somewhere for a long while if you can.
Or come home and get a job and see how it goes for a while. It truly is great to come back to all the stuff you miss.

Honestly, things aren't that bad in Ireland. BUT absolutely EVERYONE will go on and on and on about it all the bloody time!!! I don't qualify for the dole but I got a job after a month of being home.

So basically what I am saying is that being home is great but all those people telling you things are bad are only a small selection of the wider collection of people who will moan at you and say things like- oh why did you come home, its terrible here.

LegacyUser

hi, OP I crossed the line about 6 yrs ago where Im now so settled abroad ,the thought of being in Ireland other than a holiday for less than a week is more than enough. However on other side I had a hell of a time with language and culture difficulties and it took a lot of courage to sort things here. All I can offer is I have been in your shoes wondering wtf to do and so on.
Grass in my case is greener in central europe. Ireland for my mates now is a real struggle and I only hope things get better for them.
When I left in 95 I was almost laughed at,now its the opposite. Be strong and think carefully going back will solve this?
It may be from inside that your struggling with. Take Care.. .)